3rd Trimester
If everything your mother does annoys you...
do you worry about how that will translate to your future relationship(s) with your children?
I've never gotten along with my mother. We were never close and ironically spoke more often when I lived 1200 miles away. Now that we are back in the area I am prego with #2 (a daughter) and DS is about to turn 2 I have to say everything she does rubs me the wrong way. I know part of it is just pregnancy but another part of me realizes that this is nothing new for us.
Now I worry what my relationship with my future DD will be like. As much as the logical part of me wants to believe that the cycle doesn't have to continue, the emotional part of me worries that it will. Does anyone else struggle with this and how do you keep yourself on track?
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Re: If everything your mother does annoys you...
I get along with my mother, but I definitely understand your concern. Here's the thing...the beauty of having your own child (your daughter in this case) is that you can break the cycle.Whatever you and your mom have (or don't), you have the power to change that with your daughter.
YOU can break that cycle...and it sounds like you will!
Positive thinking always!
While I get along great with my mom, it wasn't always like that and even now still isnt always. However, with that said once I became a mother, I found my voice and realized that if I am old enough to have a baby it's my right as an adult to speak up for myself regarding things I do or don't agree with. That realization alone allowed me to gain a voice in regards to my relationship with my mother- and honestly=me speaking up telling her what I do and dont agree with allowed her to see me as an adult and our relationship grew.
Now- with that said- I often times find myself doing things my mother did- things I hated and I remind myself to cut it out. Only I have the power to change things and to make things a thousand times better. Just because history was written doesnt mean the future is.
The mind is a powerful thing and you can definitley change the way the future is handled with your mom, yourself and your daughter.
I agree 100%. I get along pretty well with my mom, too, but our relationship is NOT without it's problems. DH has had issues with his parents and family in general. We have talked quite a bit about how our relationships with our parents might affect our relationship with our child. The good thing is that you can learn from your relationship with your parents and try to make things different for you and your kids.
I really like this!
Me and my mom do not have the best relationship either... My mom is exceptionally manipulative, dramatic, and selfish. And not, I am not making it up. I just take her in small doses. Sometimes, if I am at her house and she is being ridiculous -- I will simply leave. Recently, I have voiced what she does when she is making me crazy.
Example #1 - If people ask her if this is her first grandchild (its not -- my brother has two kids). She sighs and says "no.... pause... but its different when its your daughter." People get awkward because of the creepy way she says it and they don't know what to say. Almost like the first two grandkids didn't count.
Example #2 - She bought us a stroller/carseat combo on her own demise. Not the one that we registered for and wanted. While a generous gift she threw a fit when we took it back and got the one that we had researched and decided upon. It wasn't pretty...
So, those are a few of the things that I deal with on a daily basis. Along with multiple phone calls about nothing and if I don't answer she calls multiple times in a row till I pick up.
She has also started parenting my future child... Using things like babysitting as black mail... and breaking down and crying for absolutely no reason because I am having a kid. It drives me insane and I can't stand her.
I could keep going and tell you about the Baby Shower battle between her and my MIL -- but you can only imagine.
Yep, I can relate.
Everything my mom does irritates me to no end. And I mean everything. I moved out of my parents house at 17 because of it. I didn't move out to rebel or go off and party. I moved out to be successful in university (in the same city I grew up in and my parents still live in - it wasn't a case of moving away to school). I knew there was no way I could live with my nagging, irritating, and often crazy mother, go to school full-time, and work full-time. Surprisingly, a few days before I moved out, my dad said he completely understood where I was coming from and supported my decision 100%.
SO. Our relationship has been better since I left and never came back, but only because I found ways to keep my distance from my mom. If I don't have the time or energy to "deal" with her phone calls, I don't answer the phone and I return the call when I feel ready to listen and engage with her. One of my own personal rules, is that if I answer when she calls me, I tell her right away that I am just getting ready to eat, go to bed, doing laundry, go out, etc. to give myself an out if I find I'm struggling talking to her (as in, so I don't bite her head off about something she says). I mostly try to communicate through text, now, though.
I also have just come to accept that she is crazy and does crazy things, she is rude, inconsiderate, selfish, hypocritical, insensitive, disrespectful, and just plain annoying. I call her out on her actions one time, and beyond that I don't get into it. I tell her not to feed my dogs from her plate, not let them up on her lap/furniture, she does it - I say to stop or else they'll bug her all night. She doesn't stop, I don't stop them. I specifically told her I didn't have a mobile because I didn't want one (and gave her a list of reasons why we CHOSE not to purchase one). She bought one for me. I reminded her that we decided not to use one. She said she knew, and basically that I don't know what I'm doing. To me, it was completely disrespectful. I told her I wouldn't be using the mobile she bought - she could either keep it herself, otherwise, I would be exchanging it. She might be hurt by that, but she was the one who chose not to listen to me.
I feel like I'm completely aware of why she bothers me so much - she is overbearing, she is too controlling, she hovers, she thinks she knows best, she thinks that overprotecting and smothering equate to good parenting, she is judgemental, and she only thinks about herself. These things bother me particularly because I am painfully independent. My dad knows that it's just how I am and has always give me lots of space and never pushed an offer for help. My mom ignores that. I think if you're in tune to your own child, recognize their needs, and act in a way that they appreciate, you'll be fine!
No, because I'm not crazy. At least I don't think I am.
No, seriously, I really do believe that I will have a much better relationship with my kids than I have with my mom, because I am a much better mom than she was/is. She's a great mom now, but she wasn't when I was growing up.
I am very aware of all my mother's flaws and I am making a point to not be that way with DD. It's not really anything you can do wrong with a toddler though, so it would be more when she's older. But I really don't think it will be an issue. My mother is very overbearing, manipulative, always feeling sorry for herself, extremely co-dependant, and needs to be the center of attention. I don't have these traits (not saying I don't have flaws, but those are not mine) so I think we will be okay in that aspect.
Another thing is I am my mom's only child. I have half-siblings but I was raised by just my mom. She has been divorced three times and doesn't have much family, just one living sister. She always smothered me and wanted me to be her best friend, and would get jealous if I wanted to spend time with my dad or half-siblings. She is still like that to this day- very jealous of my in-laws and my dad's side of the family, and gets pissed if one of them is coming to visit or is spending time with DD, etc. I know that I won't be that way because to me it's very important for DD to have a good relationship with all of her family members. Even if (God forbid) DH and I ever got divorced, I know I would still want DD to love him and spend a lot of time with him and my in-laws. I wouldn't try to turn her against him the way my mother did with me and my dad. I don't want to be my daughter's best friend, I want her to have a sane and supportive mother.
Wow! These posts definitely resonate with me!! I have also had a strained relationship with my mother. Gotten better last two years or so, but I can never forget the pain she put me through. Ruined the first 7 years of my marriage completely... Drama, jealousy, narcissism, hating my husband... You name it. It was there...
Anyways, even I am glad I am having a boy. Because originally, my mom would always say "If its a girl, wouldnt it be GREAT if she looked just like ME??!!" and "I will dress her just like ME!" and let's see... a few months ago, "Watch, my grandchild will take ME to all her parent teacher conferences because I look so young and great, and he/she will be so proud to show me off." Ohhhh and the recent one, "I will teach my grandson to wink at me when he is 2, because I will look even hotter than I do now." She is 60 BTW. And yes, a very pretty lady, but humble...um no. She would rather have the baby love her more than my husband or me... Seriously. Very competititve.And my MIL is coming two months after my delivery from India to help with the baby too, and i KNOW my mom will be super jealous...
SO yes, I get it, and I also know I need to draw boundaries early on. I already told her that the first week is for me and hubby since he will be home. She can come help the next week when he is back at work. But she still plans to visit every day even when hubby is home, even though she wont stay to "help." I am so glad my hospital has the rule that from 2-4pm, absolutely NO visitors...Only mommy/daddy/baby time. I think that's fantastic!