Pre-School

trouble with a boy at school

My daughter is the youngest in her preschool class.  She has been in the class since January.  I have noticed that she has been having more accidents lately at home & at preschool.  I thought that this change of behavior is due to DS starting to crawl and require alot more of our attention.  It turns out, her best friend in the class is a little boy who is very hyper, not really potty trained, disruptive, and very immature for his age.  I know that he has pushed DD down a couple times.   When I picked her up on Friday her teacher said that she was concerned about DD's behavior and that she has been regressing & letting this boy take toys (etc.) from her and kind of push her around.  The teacher said that she tells DD to "use her voice", put up her hands and tell the boy to "STOP" &/or "NO" but DD is not doing it.  The teacher told me to work on it at home - to do some role playing.  I did try it some this weekend (role-playing, making up stories where a boy comes to take a girl's toy and the girl says "NO").  DD says that she's not old enough to say those words.  

THe teacher also told us to tell her that we didn't want her to play with this little boy at school.  I am conflicted because I think that's mean but I want DD to stand up for herself.

I need some advice.  I want my daughter to stand up for herself.  She is being ostracized (like the little boy) because she's hanging out with him.  The other girls don't seem to include her very much.  If you're an early education teacher or have experience with this situation, please let me know some things that worked for you.  

FWIW - I think this boy will be leaving at the end of the school year.  I also asked (in the nicest way that I could) - "How many times will he push someone down before he's asked to leave?"  I don't think the teacher understood my question because she didn't answer it.  

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Re: trouble with a boy at school

  • I think it's odd that the teacher is asking you to deal with this issue at home rather than deal with it in the class. Your daughter is supposed to extrapolate learning from a role play? Why doesn't the teacher just encourage her to say 'no' in real life?

    I also find it odd that YOU are supposed to tell your DD not to play with this boy instead of them setting-up some boundaries between them. How does that work? Why are the children playing together if the teachers don't want them to?

    Odd all around. I'd be much more direct about asking questions about how they control the classroom and help the children interact. You have a legitimate question about the shoving and pushing - why be coy? Do they have a dismissal policy? How do they assist the cildren to meet their developmental milestones - epecially children who need help.

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  • image livinitup:

    I think it's odd that the teacher is asking you to deal with this issue at home rather than deal with it in the class. Your daughter is supposed to extrapolate learning from a role play? Why doesn't the teacher just encourage her to say 'no' in real life?

    I also find it odd that YOU are supposed to tell your DD not to play with this boy instead of them setting-up some boundaries between them. How does that work? Why are the children playing together if the teachers don't want them to?

    Odd all around. I'd be much more direct about asking questions about how they control the classroom and help the children interact. You have a legitimate question about the shoving and pushing - why be coy? Do they have a dismissal policy? How do they assist the cildren to meet their developmental milestones - epecially children who need help.

     

    I agree with all of this. 

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  • I have twins that are now 4, but my DS had some issues with a girl in his class when he was 3 (she was almost a full year older). Honestly, if I was in your situation I would ask that my DD be moved to a different class. I agree with the PP that the way they are asking you to handle it at home is not right. I assume you are paying for this preschool, they should solve this issue!!!!
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  • I don't know if I'd assume that the teacher is passing the buck and not working on it at school. I do think roleplaying is really helpful, particularly with knowing what to say in certain situations. I would think the teacher is working on it at school but thinks a wider approach involving home and school would be helpful and dialed you in. Something to be happy about, IMO. But yes, talk with the director about whether this little boy is a danger.

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  • Thanks for the input.  I did not mention in my original post that the teachers are trying to keep them apart.  The teacher that I talked to on Friday said that they are working with her to 'use her voice' to tell this boy to stop.  

    The director was on vacation last week & I will talk with her this week and ask to see their dismissal policy.  Unfortunately, the daycare is small & there is only 1 preschool room.   

    Thanks for the advice.  DD is my first so I dont' know if/when I'm being overly protective or if something is amiss.

    I do appreciate your input. 

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  • I think you are getting somewhat mixed messages from school, but I also think you need to worki on setting a positive, assertive message to your LO.  If you have questions about what's going at your LO's school, ask direct questions and stand up for yourself/your DD - you don't need to be coy or ask anything "in the nicest way possible" - ask direct questions.

    You should also encourage your DD to say no, defend herself, etc.  At school and at home, we talk about saying "I don't like that" or "Not nice" if someone pushes/shoves you and we talk about just walking away if DD doesn't like something/if someone isn't playing nicely.  And, we reinforce it - when we go to the playground or meet up w/ friends, I talk to DD about how to behave, what to say if somebody does something not nice, etc. 

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  • I would be talking to the director ASAP as it sounds to me like something is going on in the classroom if this has been happening over and over again.  You are not there, you can't tell your child to play with some kids and not play with others.  The teacher needs to handle this boy and yes, you can talk to your child at home but how you expect her to act while at school and at home but there is not a whole lot you can do about what is happeneing at school - things that you are not seeing yourself and are not there at the time to handle and address.
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  • PeskyPesky member
    I agree with the others about finding out what more the school is doing.  I do agree that there is a job here for you and your DH as well, to encourage more assertive behavior from your DD.  You said your DD says she's not old enough to say those words. You know someone who does say 'no' a lot when someone tries to take her stuff?  Dora.  ALL.THE.TIME.  Perhaps if you watch some of that and instead of pretending to be the boy, pretend to be Swiper, so she can get used to holding up her hand and saying 'No!' affirmatively.  Then talk about how the boy is like Swiper and needs to know it's not okay.  That might be a good path to use to make her feel more comfortable standing up for herself.  She also might be more comfortable with alternate words like "I'm not playing with you -- you're not nice." and having her go find other kids to play with.


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  • image KathrynMD:

    I think you are getting somewhat mixed messages from school, but I also think you need to worki on setting a positive, assertive message to your LO.  If you have questions about what's going at your LO's school, ask direct questions and stand up for yourself/your DD - you don't need to be coy or ask anything "in the nicest way possible" - ask direct questions.

    You should also encourage your DD to say no, defend herself, etc.  At school and at home, we talk about saying "I don't like that" or "Not nice" if someone pushes/shoves you and we talk about just walking away if DD doesn't like something/if someone isn't playing nicely.  And, we reinforce it - when we go to the playground or meet up w/ friends, I talk to DD about how to behave, what to say if somebody does something not nice, etc. 

    I agree with this. DD was having an issue at school with one little boy who seemed to be hell bent on bugging her-pulling hair,pushing, etc. I told DD at home that since Dylan can't play nicely to play with her other friends instead. 3 weeks ago he bit DD on the finger. I was pissed. His parents were called, he was punished and I again told DD to play with others instead and asked the teacher to keep them apart as much as possible. (She liked playing with him).Today DD gets bit AGAIN on the arm by the same boy. The teacher told me it was all handled. She went to the director and explained the situation. (This boy has trouble with several children). The director called in the parents and told them that he could not return to school until September. Hopefully this boy will outgrow his biting/aggression. (He'll be 3 in May)

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  • image Pesky:
    I agree with the others about finding out what more the school is doing.  I do agree that there is a job here for you and your DH as well, to encourage more assertive behavior from your DD.  You said your DD says she's not old enough to say those words. You know someone who does say 'no' a lot when someone tries to take her stuff?  Dora.  ALL.THE.TIME.  Perhaps if you watch some of that and instead of pretending to be the boy, pretend to be Swiper, so she can get used to holding up her hand and saying 'No!' affirmatively.  Then talk about how the boy is like Swiper and needs to know it's not okay.  That might be a good path to use to make her feel more comfortable standing up for herself.  She also might be more comfortable with alternate words like "I'm not playing with you -- you're not nice." and having her go find other kids to play with.

    I LOVE this. SWIPER, NO SWIPING!  The school has to act as well. They should have a policy on how much they will tolerate. Most elementary schools have anti-bullying policies so it should be some what similar for preschool. And I know kids push and whatever but at some point they should learn that it's not acceptable and if they don't get that then they'll just keep doing it and get worse.

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  • It doesn't sound as though the teacher is totally bailing on her responsibility here, only that she is asking mom to reinforce assertive behavior at home. That's reasonable.

    I think a big piece of this is the combination of being the youngest in the group, being enrolled midyear after the girls established their pecking or and being a paasive sort of kid. It's tempting to blame her isolation on her association with this boy, but probably the girls are less interested in her because she's behind them developmentally in terms of socialization having been together since the start of the year.

    You sound a little passive too. If you want to know the school's policy on expulsion for aggression, ask. But be aware that pushing, shoving and such are pretty typical of the age group and that you'll run into some version of this at every school. 

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