Success after IF

back in the saddle

Hi guys-

I haven't been around in ages and I can't believe all the changes you all have gone through while I've been gone. Congrats where they're due and hugs to those who need them (Gypsy - I'm so sorry to learn of your news today.  You're in my thoughts.)  I hate to pop in only when you're needed, but..well, here I am!

We went today for an initial IVF consult and found out that I am going to be starting BCPs in 2 weeks.  :-/  And now that we're actually moving forward I am finding myself pretty terrified, and moving forward so quickly, while good for our schedule, has thrown me for a total loop.  I can't believe we're getting back on this roller coaster again.

Did any of you feel ambivalent/not enthusiastic about going back to try for another baby?  I've always wanted a lot of kids (and we haven't used birth control since Ollie was born) but now that another pregnancy is a real possibility I'm having second(ish) thoughts.  I only weaned in November and we started TTC in March '06, so over the past 6 years my body has only been my own for 3 months.  Ollie was a very high needs baby and the thought of doing that again with another (or two!) babies while caring for Oliver is terrifying.  We have such a great little family unit and I worry that I'm taking something from Ollie by trying to add to our family.  And this doesn't even begin to deal with the logistics of IVF (and pregnancy) with a toddler.

What do I tell him about all these doctors appointments?  He's so verbal and curious - he was so worried when I told him we were going to the doctor.  I don't want to lie to him, but what if I tell him the doctor is going to put a baby in my belly and it doesn't work?  And what if I wind up on bedrest or something - how can I be a SAHM who is laid up on the couch?

I know you guys don't have answers to these questions and for the most part I'm not even looking for answers.  I guess I just want to hear that it's normal not to be excited and to be unsure.  Help!

Sorry for the novel - you guys missed those, right?  ;)

xo,

Amber 

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Amber
TTC since March '06
MFI, LPD, possible PCOS
3 chem pgs * m/c identical twins at 9w 10.06
IVF w/ICSI #2 - beta - 187! (9dp5dt), beta - 367! (11dp5dt)
IVF w/ICSI #3 - it's a girl!
My IF Blog: Between the Lines
My Parenting Blog: Letters From Your Mama

Re: back in the saddle

  • hi! I dont have any advice as we are one and done due to finances but good to see u again. Glad to see a familiar face.
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  • No advice here unfortunately, as we are more than likely done, but wanted to say hi and that it was good to "see" you!
    After 20 months TTC with PCOS, we were blessed with twins!
    They arrived at 36 weeks after PTL and bedrest for 14 weeks. Lilypie Third Birthday tickers image
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  • Hey stranger!! It's so great to see you and that sweet siggy if of yours! And thank you for thinking of me/us but I can totally understand what you're saying. We started cycling again last August, had a miscarriage in September, took a break to wait for me to cycle again on my own and then had the follistim cycle that got us pregnant. And the entire time I was...unsure. Some days I had 100% certainty that we were doing exactly what we needed to do to grow our family but A LOT of days we wondered if we were crazy. And DD was an easy baby. But wow she's a spirited toddler. And well I love her so much. When we first found out about the triplets I cried and cried for what I was thinking I was taking away from her.  As we got comfortable with the idea I still had days where I worried for her. Not being able to hold her, pick her up, having to tell her no when I need to rest. It's been hard. And I guess now it will get harder. But in my heart of hearts I know it's the right thing. I know it. And I'm sure you do too. Giving us all the gift of a bigger family, her a gift of siblings, it's a good thing. For all of us. 

    Dx. annovulatory PCOS Cycle #3 - follistim, ovidrel trigger - TI
    BFP at 10DPO & 11DPO. Beta at 11DPO 27, 13DPO 85, 17DPO 510.
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    TTC#2

    Cycle #1 follistim, ovidrel and TI/IUI Sept. 2011 = c/p :(

    Cycle #2 repeat...BFP at 10DPO. Beta at 12DPO 65, 14DPO 179
    u/s 12/15 = three sacs, repeat u/s 12/20 = three heartbeats. Lost baby C between 12 and 16 weeks and welcomed our surviving twins on oldest daughter's third birthday!
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • hey!  this is exciting!  but i do understand your ambivalence.  i felt the same way, especially our 1st cycle, which is probably why i wasn't terribly upset by my m/c.  after that, i wanted it more & more!

    i hear you about not having your body back.  cal wasn't completely done nursing until literally a week before i got pg with finn (27 months).  so, you've had your body back for longer than i did!  but you'll have it for those 9 months too, don't forget that.  (although your body will be changing, but that will be exciting.)

    as for ollie...i think you're doing a wonderful thing for him by trying for a sibling.  certainly not a disservice.  but it's hard not to feel that way to an extent. 

    i doubt you'll end up with another high needs baby.  i rarely hear of that - usually one is easier than the other, or about the same.  in our case, cal was easy but finn is a little more demanding.  if you do, you'll handle it.  you just do what you have to do.  and in the grand scheme of things the extreme high needs period of time is pretty short.

    about the dr - since cal was around 2 when we were trying, he wasn't as verbal or inquisitive.  but he totally is now, and i can see why you're concerned about that.  is it possible to do the appts without him, so he doesn't know about them?  that might be best.

    anyway, i hope it all goes well!

    Childhood cancer (DH) + chemo + radiation = 0 sperm.
    LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
    LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
    Life is beautiful!

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  • I definitely had those feelings of ambivalence....especially considering how much moreinconvenient all those appointments are when you have to coordinate childcare too. But I know this is right for our family. G was younger during my ivf but even at this point I don't think I would tell her I was going to the doctor....she can't keep a secret.....and she just wouldn't need to know, I think. Good luck!!
    Susan

    BabyBintheHouse

    Garrison Elaine & Lucy and Ethel
    imageimage
    TTC since December 2005.
    Fibroids removed 10/05 and 3/07
    4 Failed IUIs
    IVF#1 ER 8/9/08, 2 embies transfered on 8/14/08, BFN

    IVF #2 ER 10/8/08, 3 embies transferred on 10/11/08 with Assisted Hatching, Beta 10/27/08: 1850 BFP!, Beta #2: 3991, Beta #3: 8337

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  • Amber, hi! What exciting news!

    I have been struggling with TTC#2 ambivalence for, well, almost three years now. Some days I desperately want another baby and some days I think we're good as a family of three. We're all over the place ? in December 2010 I asked my doctor for a referral to a new RE. Four months later I went back to ask for a prescription for BCP. I did have a consultation (one year ago today, actually) and started testing, but I chickened out before we got to the treatment part. At that time, the biggest concern was finances, not to fund treatments but to actually raise two children. Now we've waited long enough that we won't have to pay for daycare for two at the same time, we're feeling more comfortable with that aspect, but still...

    I haven't had a period in four months and I've been debating whether to call my GP or the new RE. I think I'm leaning towards the latter, but I haven't yet convinced myself to pick up the phone.

    I won't be doing IVF, so I know it's not quite the same, but I will not be telling Andrew about my doctor's appointments. If Ollie has to come with you, I'd think you should keep your explanations simple and reassuring ("Mommy's fine, it's just a checkup"), and don't mention a baby until you're well and truly knocked up!

    The great thing about waiting as long as you and I have to do this again ? or so I keep telling myself ? is that big brother will be old enough to be a bit more independent, a bit more understanding and patient, a bit more helpful. Far easier, I would think, to have a baby and a three- or four-year-old than a baby and a two-year-old. I'm feeling pretty okay about that part.

    Good luck and best wishes to you! Please keep us posted about your cycle. :)

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  • Hi!! Good to see you back & hear your update! I think it's exciting news. 

    Even though my pregnancy with Lydia was the surprise of a lifetime, I still had similar feelings to what you are describing. It was hard for me to admit it, too, because I felt like after everything I had no right to be anything but over the moon. And I was, but I was also scared & a little sad. I felt like I was taking away from Eliza's fleeting baby days, I felt guilty that I was sick & tired & short on patience, I was worried about all the changes & transitions for her. I was terrified that she might come out of her spinal surgery with health issues & that I would be totally overwhelmed & unable to care for her to the best of my ability...i was worried that i wouldnt be sble to bond with lydia as much because eliza needed me too.

    I could go on & on, but it was all 100% unfounded & 100% normal! I can't picture my family or my life any other way. Eliza loves Lydia fiercely & I am thrilled that they have each other. The transitions were far smoother (in most cases) than I anticipated. 

    Wishing you all the luck in the world as you step back on the roller coaster!   I hope you'll keep us in the loop! You've been missed!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker TTC since Dec '04 Severe MFI-diagnosed 12/06 3 failed Fresh IVFs FET #1 - BFP!! 2 blasts tx on day 6. Beta #1 8dp6dt = 56, Beta #2 = 600, Beta #3 = 5600 My Blog Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Hey Amber!  

    I'm so happy to hear that you're about to do IVF again.  Even though you're ambivalent about it, based on discussions in the past, I know that this is something you want, and I'm so hopeful that it will be successful, and you can add to your family.

    As for your feelings, I think they're very normal.  We started trying right away after Dylan was born and were very lucky to have it happen without treatment quickly the second time around.  I was pretty terrified by the thought of another child, taking away something from Dylan, and how we would possibly do it.  You figure it out.  Oliver's life will be even more amazing than it already is by having a sibling(s).  Watching your children laugh and play together is the most amazing gift, and having Braylon was the best thing we could have done for Dylan.  I also reminded myself a lot that Dylan had 14 months of one-on-one time with us, and Braylon had none of that.  Oliver has had all this time with you guys that your future children will have to share.  

    As for the doctor's appointments, I really don't know.  I hope you can figure out how best to handle that with him.  

    BTW - what dr are you seeing if you don't mind me asking?  Good luck!  I'm so hopeful and excited for you!!

    After 2 years and 6 IUIs, we did it with IVF w/ ICSI!
    BFP with no treatment!
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  • All I can tell you is that you find a way to make it work.

    I had a 15-18 month old to take care of full-time during the most excruciatingly painful months of my life (3rd tri with twins).  We just did the best we could.  Friends and family pitched in to help.  We hired help.  DH sacrificed having a life so he could be home when he wasn't working to help.

    Then life with an 18 month old and newborn twins?  I barely remember.  We just survived.

    But I am so blessed with these beautiful kids!!  SO blessed.  Wouldn't change a darn thing and I am very happy with the choices we made.

    Best of luck to you!!

     

    DX: PCOS * Success with IVF

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  • Hey Amber!  I don't really feel like you're too much of a stranger since I still see you on FB here and there, but welcome back!

    I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to the ambivelence of having a second.  I know that I wanted a second one, but we have such a great thing going with Jacob and our little family.  And I hate that its going to rock his world so much.  I know its going to be hard for him, but we're going to try to make his life look the same as it always has.  Of course, things will change.  I'm still a SAHM and am just now feeling like I have to slow down with him or I'm going to collapse at the end of the day.  I worry about dividing my time and energy for both boys.  I don't doubt for a second that I will love this one as much as I love Jacob, but I worry about the things that simply cannot be divided.  And in the end, I will miss the time that I do have to myself in the afternoon for naps and in the evening.  :)

    Just so you know...we intentionally only transferred 1 embie because we didn't want to risk twins.  We were afraid of a multiple pregnancy and bed rest, especially with me being a SAHM.  Additionally, I just couldn't think about raising 3 children.  It honestly terrified me...so we only transferred 1 and here we are about a month away.

    Just think about how you want your family to look in a few years.  What do you want your Thanksgiving table to look like?  How do you picture your family nights at home?  I knew that I pictured it with 2 children, so yes, I might have to go through some rough patches to get to the end result of what I want, but I'm willing to do that.

    Good luck with everything!  And keep us posted!

    Allison
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  • Thank you everyone for welcoming me back and giving me a bit of perspective.  I will say, that just 24 hours after the consult, I feel a little more at ease with everything.  I do wonder if part of my ambivalence is a coping mechanism in the event that this IVF fails.  :-/  And I also know that any baby(ies?) that would come of this would be wholeheartedly loved and cherished - it's just choosing to jump into such upheaval when I feel comfortable with where we are is difficult.  But you're right, Allison - when it comes down to it I want commotion and overflowing abundance at the Thanksgiving table, and that certainly means more children.  I know we'll survive it exactly how we did the first time - one day at a time.

    My RE did offer a SET when I expressed my nerves about the situation, but I don't know that we'll have another opportunity to try (monetarily) and nothing made it to the freeze in our first 2 IVFs, so we're willing to risk twins.  Here goes nothing, right?

    As for not telling Ollie at all about appointments - I'm a SAHM and I'm with him 24/7.  There's no way that daddy suddenly staying home in the mornings, or getting dropped off at grandma's nanny job for a few hours, or having the neighbor come by and stay while I do monitoring (45 minutes away from home) will go unnoticed.  I guess I'll just figure this out as I go too... 

    Anyway, thanks for listening and supporting.  I love knowing I always have a home here.  <3 

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    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Amber
    TTC since March '06
    MFI, LPD, possible PCOS
    3 chem pgs * m/c identical twins at 9w 10.06
    IVF w/ICSI #2 - beta - 187! (9dp5dt), beta - 367! (11dp5dt)
    IVF w/ICSI #3 - it's a girl!
    My IF Blog: Between the Lines
    My Parenting Blog: Letters From Your Mama
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