I really don't know what brought it on, and blaming the 'mones seems too simple because this was so beyond anything of the natural world.
A little background.. DH is a special education teacher and he knows that at the end of this school year his position is going to be eliminated. We've known this since the beginning of the school year, before I was pregnant, so it's not a shock. His director has done what he could, doesn't want to lose him, but alas, tis what it tis. We've been kicking around possibilities for him and he's job hunting, blahdity blah, but now he's been offered a part-time opportunity that would be phenomenal for the direction he wants to go. Obvious problems are part-time and the pay that comes with part-time, but he could in theory supplement with tutoring or special needs assistant type stuff.. or be a SAHD for a little while, something he's totally open to should that be necessary, and the baby can go to the daycare at his school when he has to be there.
Financially we'd be ok if he worked part-time. I have always planned to go back to my work after maternity leave, I love my job, it provides a good, stable income. We have savings, we can afford life, we can afford this baby.
Well. Last night I was researching childcare options and DH comes in the office to see what I'm up to. He's looking over my shoulder at the laptop, I'm showing him this and that, all is well.. and then he says, "Babe, let's not even worry about this. I should just take the job, be home this summer with you and the baby, and then we won't have to worry about daycare until the baby's a year old."
I swear if you listened closely you could have heard the sound of flame traveling down the wick about to set off dynamite.
I felt myself turn bright red, spun around in my chair, tears already flowing every which way, and accused DH of being selfish and pig-headed and the worst of most untrue thing of all... lazy.
"So you think it's ok to just accept a part-time position so you can sit at home with the baby and NOT WORRY about daycare??? Is that all you think about what's most convenient for YOUOOUOU!!?!?!?"
It got ugly, so so ugly. And much to his credit, DH did not fire back. I'm sure he could sense the crazy, but omg omg omg, I was so horrible. Every last little thing came out... morning sickness, fatigue, challenges at work being tired all the time, money concerns, his job situation, his mother, my mother, moving to a new house, the dogs, the laundry, my boobs, his gym membership...
At one point I asked how am I supposed to trust him to raise this baby with me if I can't even trust him not to eat junk when I'm out of town. Something like, "You don't even take care of yourself and you will have a heart attack and leave me alone and you don't even care!!" came spewing out of my mouth.
I hysterically cried myself into exhaustion and passed out in our bed. I woke up this morning and heard DH telling the dogs to be quiet while he got their leashes on, saying "Let's not wake mommy." I felt him kiss my forehead, but I was mortified so I "stayed asleep". When I went downstairs this morning everything we had not done the night before thanks to my manic episode had been done - dishes done, kitchen cleaned, living room clutter put away. There was even a note on the coffee maker that said, "Coffee's set but didn't turn on - didn't want to wake you. Love you still."
I mean.. I just.. I can't even...
I feel like Mommy Dearest.