Hello. I'm new to this website so not exactly sure where I should be posting this. I'm hoping this is an OK spot and I'm also hoping to get some sort of input or feedback or SOMETHING from it. I've been struggling with my infertility problems, the personal blame, and some marital issues because of it. Perhaps this would give some insight if I just began from the beginning....
My name is Amy. I'm 21 years old, I weigh 320 pounds, and I've been TTC for about 2 years now. Maybe a little longer. My cycles have NEVER, ever been normal and my gyne has insisted that this is due to my weight (which is where the personal blame comes in). I have never had a regular cycle. In fact, the only time I DID have somewhat of a normal cycle was while on BC. When I started TTC, going off of the BC put me back at having a cycle once ever couple of months or a few times a YEAR, and never "normal." I understand that being 320 pounds is not healthy but I also don't believe it should be the "cure all" in the doctors' eyes. It shouldn't be the root of ALL of my problems, which is exactly what EVERY doctor I've been to has suggested. Anyways, let me just tell the whole story. My husband and I met our Junior year of high school and we hit it off immediately. The year we graduated we tied The Knot on August 1. That would've been 2009. I went off of my BC the fall of 2010 and have been TTC since then. My gyne prescribed me a combo of Provera and Metformin (a diabetes medicine) to try and get my cycles regulated and to help me to get that BFP I've been praying for. A year went by and no BFP. Another year rounded off. Nothing. Then 5 months ago, I started getting my cycle regularly. I got my cycle 4 months in a row and while I do admit, I did no testing as far as basal temps. or anything like that goes. Then this past month when I was scheduled to get my period, I didn't. I took a pregnancy test and it was...well, to be honest, kind of unclear. My husband and I both saw a second line indicating positive test. Then I tested again and he did not see the second line and to be quite honest, I'm not sure if I just wanted it so badly to be there or if it actually was. I took a third test yesterday morning and to my dismay, it was a definite negative. As so many of the other tests I have taken HAVE been. I want to be a mother more than anything in this world. Now that we've been through all of this, the stress is wearing on both he and I. He's having second thoughts about having children and I don't want to miss my opportunity. I feel so unlike a woman. Like less of a human being. I'm trying to stay faithful and positive but seeing everyone I know being pregnant or having children of their own, it's so hard. Most people say if you quit trying, it'll happen when you least exect it. I don't want to quit. I don't want to lose that chance, if it even exists. And I'm lost as far as whether or not I'd be able to get testing done to see whether or not I'm able to have children. I have insurance but it's limited and my husband has NONE so as far as getting HIM tested, it's probably not in our budget. I want more than anything to be a mother. I feel like it's what I was meant to do and I definitely don't feel like waiting is an option. I just feel so guilty, like maybe if I had tried harder to lose weight and tried harder not to put so much pressure on my husband, we'd be parents already and he wouldn't be having second thoughts about a new baby. I'm scared. And he's scared. But for very, very different reasons. It's gotten to the point that he doesn't hardly ever have sex with me because he's afraid. I'm even more afraid that another disappointing BFN is going to make me lose even more hope.
Does anyone have any insight? Suggestions? Oh, on a side note, I never took the Metformin and Provera combo. I'm terrified to use Metformin. It's not MEANT for my condition, and therefore I don't feel I was accurately prescribed medicine. So that option is still sitting on my livingroom table. Just waiting. Thoughts on that???
Anything would be a wonderful help
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