July 2012 Moms

I don't think I want my mom to be in the room

My mom is one of those very VERY excited grandmothers, in that I'm a little afraid she's not going to understand that the baby is going home with me and not her. She has pressured me to name the baby after her (we're not) and is setting up an entire nursery in her own house for the times when we come over (we live over 2 hours away, and wouldn't be staying there anyway, because she's turning the guest room into...a nursery...)

I always knew that she'd insist on being in the delivery room, and I never thought about not having there. Except now that I'm pregnant, I kind of want DH and I to go through the delivery together and have a few minutes alone with our baby before my mom goes all crazy. She will make those first few moments about herself, I absolutely know she will.

Now the hard part is telling her, ick. I'm sort of wanting take the coward's way out and leave it to my laboring hormonal self and the nurses to kick her out...

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Re: I don't think I want my mom to be in the room

  • Eeek!  No advice, but I wanted to wish you luck.  That sounds like a tough situation and I don't envy you!  Its hard to tell an excited grandparent "no", but its also important that you get what you want, too.  Good luck!
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  • I feel like I could have written this.  I keep reading that having 2 people in the room is beneficial, so I may allow that, but she knows DH gets the baby first and gets to show him/her off when that time comes.
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  • From what I have experienced with my previous two, when the baby comes, it is like no one else is in the room except you, the baby and daddy. It is such a surge of emotions, you won't even notice she is there or anyone for that matter...

     For me I compare it to our first dance at our wedding. Despite the many friends and family surrounding us  it felt like it was just me and him in the room. The same will go for when you deliver... that's my opinion and experience...

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  • You've got some time to plan this out. Start thinking about how you're going to say it now, but don't just bring it up. Maybe wait for her to say something unless you start to get really far along and it starts looking like she's just assuming that she'll get to be there.

    As for how to have that conversation...yuck. I don't know. I'm starting to think about that myself because I really don't want my sister there and I'm sure she'll want to be, especially since I was at her most recent. But I've got some excuses with her--she'll be 6 weeks behind me and have two other little ones to deal with.

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  • My mother in law is being this way and its making me crazy. She keeps talking about how she is going to watch the baby on her days off and im thinking excuse me did we ask. We are planning on me being a SAHM so what would make her think we would need a babysitter 2x a week, she also is buying everything to have at her house for when we come over mind you she leave 2 minutes away. And the name thing OMG she is making me crazy with all her demands. I keep telling hubby this is our child not hers she had her turn and she needs to let us have ours especially since we have been trying for what seems like forever we are very excited ourselves, plus she has a daughter so when she has kids that's who she should make demands too and plans for lol. Sorry i don't have any advice but after reading yours i needed to vent lol . How do we deal with these very excited grandma's in a nice way that wont hurt their feelings before its get to be something we cant take anymore of ??????
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  • image apollonia10:

    Now the hard part is telling her, ick. I'm sort of wanting take the coward's way out and leave it to my laboring hormonal self and the nurses to kick her out...

    I wouldn't do this. As hard as it might be, you've gotta talk to her now. Otherwise she will be there, in the hospital, waiting to see you and the baby, and that itself is going to stress you out bigtime. 

    You're entitled to share the birth of your child as an intimate time with just you and H. It's OK. 

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  • Honestly, tell her that you and DH really want to experience the delivery by yourself. Of course she'll be hurt but it's probably better to tell her when she brings it up now instead of when you're in labor. Tough situation. Good Luck! 


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  • I had my mom in the delivery room with DS (along with DH), but this time I only want it to be DH and I. I know my mom is probably assuming that she'll be able to be in there again, so I am dreading having the conversation telling her that she'll just be in the waiting room.
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  • If you weren't there during conception, you're not invited to be there during birth.  I heard that somewhere, and I think it's funny and appropriate.  It's an extremely private, personal time, and I don't blame you for wanting just you, DH, and medical staff there.

    If it would make it easier, tell your mom the hospital only allows one person with you in delivery.  Then tell the nurses you only want you and DH.  They will run interference and make sure no one else is allowed in there.

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  • I had the talk with my mom and the hospital and my doctor and my husband...and guess who got to hold the baby before me??? yup my mother, I held my cool but it still really bothers me.
  • My MIL or mom might think that they will be allowed in the room.  Neither one of us really have a problem telling either one of them they are not.  My mom won't ask to be, she would wait to be asked (she has been in the room for 3 of my 6 nieces/nephews).  I don't know if MIL expects to or not, but either way it is our moment so we are just telling her she is not and while she might be disappointed, she is rational so she will understand.  (This is her first grandchild so she is uber excited, it's not a been there done that thing like it is in my family).

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  • Talk to her and let her know.  She will have her turn to hold & see your baby.  But you and your DH deserve your time alone as a family.

    Last week after I had my dr appointment we found out when we are finding out if its a boy or girl and i told my mom.  She then text me if she could come w/ DH & I when we find out.  I felt guilty for saying no but DH reminded me that I have to just tell her how I feel and hope she'll respect and understand my decision.  She didn't say much when I told her no, I suspect she was a little let down but she will know soon enough.  DH & I also had the conversation if my mom would ask to be in the room w/ us.  I told him there is no way, unless there is some reason DH can't be there I will ask her, but it's just DH & me.

    Stand your ground now and don't be afraid to let people know what you want.  It's your child and it doesn't happen often so have it be the way you and your DH want it. 

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  • My mom was a crappy mom (I was raised by my grandma) and because her BFF was in the room w/ her daughter my mom suddenly decided to be mom and grandma of the year and want to be there for me and DD when I was in labor. I let her come up while I was in labor and then told her to go home when DH got there (I was induced and it was a last min. decision by my dr. so DH had to run home, get our bag & take care of the dogs after taking me to the hosp.) Then when I was at like 8 or 9cm DH called my mom just to keep her in the loop & she came back up! I told the nurses she wasn't to come in, she could wait down the hall. And she did. And I don't regret it. Do what makes you happy because this is something you'll remember for the rest of your life :-)
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  • My mom knows she's not invited to the delivery, and she's great about it. Honestly, I am super blessed in the mom department. That said, I've been stressed about having her, my grandma, and the rest of my extended family in the waiting room. I don't want everyone descending on my room and wanting to hold the new baby before dh and I have even had bonding time.

    Thankfully, dh is a very logical problem solver. He simply said that we won't call anyone until the baby is born. That will buy us a couple hours, minimum, of bonding time before everyone shows up. Why couldn't my hormonal self have come up with that simple solution? While this might not me an option for everyone, it's something to consider. :)

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  • My mom, MIL, FIL and SIL kept DH and I company off and on while I was in labor however once it came time to push, everyone left out so it could be just DH and I (magically I didn't have to say anything about it). My MIL was in the room for my neices however I knew that wasn't how I wanted it to be and they all respected it.

    Your labor, your way.

  • WELL my MIL is acting like this is going to be hers also... she normally doesn't say too much but the other night at supper she completely caught us off guard when we were telling her that we had found daycare... Her response " I had better get to watch the child at least 1 day a week" I sat there with my mouth wide open... and so did my husband... we sort of stumbled over the fact that we are paying for 5 days, the baby will be going 5 days... Later on she again said, I had better get to watch the baby at least 1 day a week... Hmm NO sorry we are paying 5 days the baby is going for 5 days as there will be plenty of times that daycare will be closed... I just was so shocked that she said something and was so demanding... and she seriously lives 3 blocks away... I am fearing for what it will be like when I go into labor or have the baby... I am very very private and they just don't understand that one bit...

    My own mom would never want to be in the room... and we have talked that maybe my sister will be in the room with us but she will just be there to support me and then she will quietly retreat to let us have time alone... I sure hope my MIL doesn't think that she will be joining us... :) 

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  • I feel like I could have written this as well.... My mom is very excited about her first grandchild.  Her excitement is quite overwhelming for me.  If I have my mom in the room I would like to give her the job of taking the first pictures of the baby.  That way my husband and I and just take the whole experience in.  My mom wants to set up a whole nursery at her house and I live 2 hours away from my mom too.  I don?t think she assumes that the baby is going to spend a ton of time in it; I think she is trying to make it easier for us to visit with the baby. Good luck when the time comes!

  • This was never even a conversation brought up between my mom and I, she would never assume she would be in the room. I guess it helps my sister already had 3 kids that she wasn't there for.  Just don't tell her when you go into labor and she won't even know:)
  • we didn't have anyone in the room except DH and I. We didn't even call our family till after we had DD, b/c we didn't want everyone to wait around in the waiting for hours on end. Plus all of our family is close to the hospital. My mom was the 1st one to come visit DD, it took her 30 mins to get there from the time we called. By that time I was in a room and DD was back from the nursery.

    I was afraid to tell my mom too. She totally understood where DH and I were coming from and was not upset at all. 

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  • image jenosbo:
    My mother in law is being this way and its making me crazy. She keeps talking about how she is going to watch the baby on her days off and im thinking excuse me did we ask. We are planning on me being a SAHM so what would make her think we would need a babysitter 2x a week...?

    I'm just gonna say . . . don't burn your bridges!  Even as a SAHM, it is VERY NICE to have someone else take the kiddo for a while and give you some uninterrupted personal/errand/shopping/shower/etc time.  My FIL took DsS to a "Mommy and Me" class a few days a week when he was pre-school age and I appreciated it very much. You might be annoyed that she presumed before you asked . . . but trust me, you're going to want to take advantage of that once in a while.

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  • My labor literally stopped when my mom showed up last time (I was having a homebirth and she thankfully came to pick up my DD).  But just having her there during labor clearly stressed me out a little.  I definitely wouldn't want my mom in the room during labor, she's not the quiet type.  I think you have every right to tell your mother that you want it to be just you and DH during the birth, and also to not notify her when you're in labor, just call once the baby arrives.
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  • Good luck.  I know that is hard.  My mom was in the room for my first (22 years ago!) because she helped during my labor and she was given the job of taking the first pictures after the baby was out.  As PPs have stated, this is your labor and your experience and they may be upset at first, they'll get over it when they do see the bundle of joy!!!  :)
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  • I swore I didn't want my mom in the room with DS, but she ended up being there and was terrific!  She is a nurse and was a coach to several of her sisters.  She was a great support to DH and in the end we both agreed that we were so glad we didn't ask her to leave.  We had told her that we thought we wanted it to be just us in advance, but she waited for us to tell her to go (which we never did).  Your mom sounds a little more overboard than mine, but things may change in the moment.  I'd say make your intentions clear, but leave your options open.

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  • I'm lurking from the July 2011 board, but I had to do this with my mom. I told her that DH and I wanted to be alone during the delivery, and that I didn't want a waiting room full of people while I was in labor. She absolutely freaked out when I told her and she said some really hurtful things, but after a week she got over it, and I don't regret not having anybody else there. DS was born at 5:01 am, and we called family and told them they were welcome to come at about 7 although they didn't actually start arriving until 9. I needed that time to establish breast feeding basics, get some rest and bond with DS before all the craziness began. Whatever you decide, tell your mom early on so that she doesn't get her hopes up and then have them crushed right before you deliver, and stand by your decision 100%.
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  • I would say something along the lines of "setting up your birth plan" and how you and DH decided it would just be the 2 of you in the room. Give yourself a couple of  hours to be alone with the baby. Be matter of fact and unapologetic.
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  • I requested that only my DH was in the room when DD was born & once the drugs kicked in they started letting people in & my bored DH started inviting people in & out.  I was beyond pissed that my wishes weren't kept & I was too busy being in labor to say anything.  Good luck with your situation.  I had to tell my Mom the first time just because I didn't want her in the room all emotional. 
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