Babies: 3 - 6 Months

I feel like I'm losing myself. (Very Long)

Husband and I just had a little girl, she just turning four months in a few days.

I would just like to say, before I begin, I love my dughter and DH more than I can describe. I honestly feel guilty writing this post. I just need some help here.

DH was doing an optional year of school on top of the degree he already has to make him more appealing as an applicant. I asked him over and over if he was sure he could follow it through and he was sure he could stay dedicated and he was confident in doing this since school started around the time our baby was due. I told him that if he didn't he could work and apply next year, or start putting out his resumes now and I could maybe go to school next year (something I desperately would like to do).

He insisted he could do this, so we took out a student loan (living off student loans and maternity leave) and budgetted things out.

On top of our student loans falling way short of our original assessment, DH failed a lot of classes, leaving us in a lot of debt and unable to finish the year. To be fair, he did stay home a lot for the first month to help me, so I don't fault him completely, however I also had to nag him to study and do the work he actually did do.

Now DH stays at home all day. He's working on finding a "good job"... while we are starting to wonder where our rent and grocery money is going to come from.

This all is stressful enough, especially with a 4 month old at home, but I've started to resent DH a little bit now. I feel so horrible about this, and have honestly just been able to admit this to myself, please don't flame me.

I don't want to feel this way towards DH. I don't want to think that he put us in this situation and I hate feeling like he took away my chance to go to school (at least for quite some time).

I was already dealing with the usual new-mom problems... Having no time for myself, giving up me time and friend time and I was actually quite happy spending my days with DD... I was happy to put all my time into her. 

 But now I'm overwhelmed with finances and DH is just like another child at home that I have to beg to help me out or I do it all myself. I've talked to him time and time again about please just giving me a hand... he will for a few days and then I'm all alone again.

 Don't get me wrong, DH is an amazing dad, he's so in love with our daughter and I'm really in love with him. I just feel really hopeless and I've never felt like this before. I can't sleep, I'm eating terribly, I'm having trouble getting everything done...

I suppose all in all this is just so I feel like I have someone who will listen to me. I know there's probably not a lot of advise to be given. I'm just so overwhelmed and tired...

 

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Re: I feel like I'm losing myself. (Very Long)

  • This might be long, heads up.

    First thing, while I'm not in your exact position, I understand where you're coming from. I think every new mom resents her DH at some point to some extent, and honestly, if I were in your shoes, heck yes I'd resent him for it. It does put your family's welfare at risk, and while it was great he helped out during the fist month, it's still kinda bs. It puts a lot of stress on you in a time you're bound to be stressed during anyway. What you're feeling is, I think, justified.

     Now, you need to plan. Consider talking to DH about all this. If you don't tell him how you're feeling, you're only going to resent him more. And maybe talking about how this is affecting you will motivate him to put out more applications, etc. Also, try talking to a financial adviser and a therapist, if possible. A religious leader might be able to help you emotionally, too.

    You can see about applying for food stamps or even cash assistance. I know it's difficult to do so emotionally, but if you qualify, it will make sure your little one has food (if you're FF), diapers, and so on, and will be one less thing for you to stress out about. Try removing unnecessary expenses, too. Downgrade on phone, internet, and cable. Coupon. Do whatever you can to save money. 

    I'm sure you thought of this already, but I can't think of anything else. Just know eventually, things get better. I'll be thinking of your family. :) 

  • I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Being a FTM is ridiculously hard without all of those other stresses. I agree with PP that we all, at some point, resent DH for one thing or another (even if it's just hormone induced).  In your case, you are completely justified in the way you are feeling. It sounds like your husband has some growing up to do IMO.  I thought it was interesting that you referred to DH as "an amazing dad" because he is "so in love with his daughter." While he may love his daughter, I wouldn't call him an amazing dad for that reason alone. He seems to love himself a little bit more because he's acting incredibly selfish and has put you and your daughter in a very unstable situation.  Please don't apologize or feel guilty for being upset or disappointed in him.  He's acting irresponsible (and that's an understatement).  Your family has now gone into debt so he could go to school which he did not take seriously. And now instead of finding a job--any job--he's using the same excuse that every other unemployed slacker is using--that he's waiting for a "good" job to come along.

    I'm not sure what advice to offer you. I think you definitely need to talk with him and please don't let him off the hook! Hang in there and stay strong momma!

     ETA: I should clarify that I do not at all believe that all people that are unemployed are slackers. Quite the opposite. However, I get frustrated with people that are unemployed and use the "I'm waiting for a 'good job' or that say certain jobs are beneath them. That just irks me, especially when they have a wife and family to be responsible for.  
     

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  • So to be clear -- are you both now home and not working? Are you both looking for jobs? Because I think at this point that is what needs to be done. It doesn't matter if the plan was for you to stay home while he worked/went to school. At this point someone in your home needs to be earning money.

    As to the rest of it -- I have no idea what your back story is.. If historically your DH was a hard working individual then I'd say we was depressed and that he should seek help from your family practitioner.

    However there is the possibility that he is just an unfocused person. I can't really tell from your post. If you're both home however you should both be highly involved in the care of your child. If you aren't getting me time or help with things then I think you need to have a hard look at your life and see if it really the one you want. If you don't want this then I'd fight to change it -- do counseling if you think it will help, but don't be afraid to leave. Kids are stressful and hard on a marriage, but my husband has never done anything other than step up in the last 2 years.

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  • image shortie2008:

     I think every new mom resents her DH at some point to some extent, and honestly, if I were in your shoes, heck yes I'd resent him for it.  

    Definitely! My GF, who had a baby a few days before me, said that it's hard b/c dads can pretty much continue with their lives and ours have been turned upside down (in a good, tiring way).

    Could your H suffer from depression?  He sounds very textbook depressed.

    If I were you, I would tell him that I am going to look for a job and he can stay home with DD as the caregiver. It may either kick his butt to do something or maybe you will find a job and be able to provide the needed income.

     

    I am sorry you are going through this and wish you all the best : )

     

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  • I hate to sound hopeless but after living with my husband for 8 years and having our share of relationship issues, the only thing we've "fixed" is my perspective on them. I've learned exactly one thing in all this time... You can't change people... You can't, ever, no matter how hard you try or ask them to. They can change if they want to, but it will have absolutely nothing to do with you or your requests.

    So you need to look at your husband and ask yourself if his current participation and actions are something he's going to change on his own. If not, then you have to live with it and control the only thing you can, yourself.

    If he's not going to do what it takes to get a job, you get one. If he's not going to work hard enough to get more education, then tell him you won't support further attempts. Be honest, tell him exactly what you need from him and then if he can't meet your needs; take care of yourself.

     

    That's my soapbox about relationships and it is very heavily distorted by my personal experience. 

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