1st Trimester

Help and advice needed

Hello all,

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and recently started talking about having children. He was ready to start trying, but I was a little hesitant and felt like I wanted to wait another year. We decided to switch over to condoms as our primary method of birth control and I stopped taking my pill. Well I recently found out I was pregnant and I was pretty shocked even though I know condoms aren't 100% effective.

Here is where I really need help though. My husband admitted the other night that he had been tampering with the condoms in order to get me pregnant. I am so hurt and shocked and feel betrayed! How could he do that to me? We are supposed to be a partnership and make these decisions together, but he thought that if I got pregnant now I would realize that I really didn't want to wait that year. I honestly don't know what to do. I am living in the guest room right now because I can't stand to be near him. 

What would you do? Any advice is appreciated. 

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Re: Help and advice needed

  • Not sure what I would do but some counseling might not be a bad idea. GL!
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  • I would start counseling immediately! Take DH with you. This is not something to take lightly or to push to the back of your mind and try to get over. Call places today to see when you can both get in together.
  • Counseling is fine. But that can't change what he did. Can you move past that?
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  • I don't know if I can move past it. What I really want to do is get rid of it to spite him, but I don't think I could ever do that.
  • I agree are you going to able to accept what he did? Or will you constantly be resenting him and/or the baby? 

    I in no way agree with his tactics, I think a baby needs to be a joint decision - especially if you are the one having to carry a baby. But I don't necessarily think your husband did it to be mean or hurt you. 

    Biggest thing though is the communication and trust that has been destroyed - counseling may help, maybe he'll learn his lesson but I'm sure it'll take time.

    Sorry and gl. 



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  • If my H did that to me, I don't think I could forgive. This is a huge thing and he tricked you. My SIL did that to get a guy to marry her. I think its low. Your H sounds like an azzhole to me.
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  • Speaking professionally (I'm a marriage and family therapist), I would highly recommend you both go in to see a therapist together.  Based on your statements alone, you have been manipulated and deceived by your husband.  This is absolutely not something that should be easily discarded or swept under the rug.

    I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple but if this is a pattern of his (lying, manipulation, etc), then there is high chance he will continue these behaviors if they are not addressed and worked on as a couple.  It might even be helpful for him to have individual therapy in addition to marital therapy.  

    GL to you and your DH.  I hope you are both able to work this out.   

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  • image babyike:

    Speaking professionally (I'm a marriage and family therapist), I would highly recommend you both go in to see a therapist together.  Based on your statements alone, you have been manipulated and deceived by your husband.  This is absolutely not something that should be easily discarded or swept under the rug.

    I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple but if this is a pattern of his (lying, manipulation, etc), then there is high chance he will continue these behaviors if they are not addressed and worked on as a couple.  It might even be helpful for him to have individual therapy in addition to marital therapy.  

    GL to you and your DH.  I hope you are both able to work this out.   

    Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me. 

  • The two of you should definitely seek marriage counseling. This incident will most likely lead to serious resentment, deep trust issues, and conflict if it's not handled appropriately. Assuming you choose to have/keep this child, those are issues that will only get even worse and compromise your ability to parent effectively together, and compromise your child's sense of security and safety in his/her family.

    This by no means has to be a fatal blow to your marriage. By working hard on your communication, trust, values and goal setting, etc. I'm positive you guys can overcome this in a way that puts you on a more solid ground than ever before. But, your DH is going to have to come to understand what he did and why, and work hard to overcome his own issues. A quality marriage counselor should be able to help.

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  • 1. This sounds like MUD

    2. If not, get yourselves to counseling stat. Deception and an affair do not seem like a fortuitous start to a new baby's life...

    "Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies. God damn it, you've got to be kind." - Kurt Vonnegut
  • image WendalinD:
    image babyike:

    Speaking professionally (I'm a marriage and family therapist), I would highly recommend you both go in to see a therapist together.  Based on your statements alone, you have been manipulated and deceived by your husband.  This is absolutely not something that should be easily discarded or swept under the rug.

    I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple but if this is a pattern of his (lying, manipulation, etc), then there is high chance he will continue these behaviors if they are not addressed and worked on as a couple.  It might even be helpful for him to have individual therapy in addition to marital therapy.  

    GL to you and your DH.  I hope you are both able to work this out.   

    Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me. 



    Soooo......what happened to that baby??
    image

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  • image WendalinD:
    image babyike:

    Speaking professionally (I'm a marriage and family therapist), I would highly recommend you both go in to see a therapist together.  Based on your statements alone, you have been manipulated and deceived by your husband.  This is absolutely not something that should be easily discarded or swept under the rug.

    I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple but if this is a pattern of his (lying, manipulation, etc), then there is high chance he will continue these behaviors if they are not addressed and worked on as a couple.  It might even be helpful for him to have individual therapy in addition to marital therapy.  

    GL to you and your DH.  I hope you are both able to work this out.   

    Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me. 

    This is precisely what I was referring to when I said, "I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple..."  If your statements are true, then you have a choice to make:  Either get counseling/professional help, or get out of the relationship. 

    ~Sweet Girl *8/18/08* c-section ~ Sweet Boy *12/2/10* VBAC ~ Sweet Boy *8/14/12* VBAC~ 

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  • image ImThisBabysMom:
    image WendalinD:
    image babyike:

    Speaking professionally (I'm a marriage and family therapist), I would highly recommend you both go in to see a therapist together.  Based on your statements alone, you have been manipulated and deceived by your husband.  This is absolutely not something that should be easily discarded or swept under the rug.

    I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple but if this is a pattern of his (lying, manipulation, etc), then there is high chance he will continue these behaviors if they are not addressed and worked on as a couple.  It might even be helpful for him to have individual therapy in addition to marital therapy.  

    GL to you and your DH.  I hope you are both able to work this out.   

    Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me. 



    Soooo......what happened to that baby??

    Good question

    i wish i could be joking but my dad is the music teacher at a church so he owuld be mad. we had sex, all the time how bad i know but we dont want to wait and he said GREAT OH KAY! and I was really feeling the wets? down there- too embarsed to say- but he acted like man.
  • image ImThisBabysMom:
    image WendalinD:
    image babyike:

    Speaking professionally (I'm a marriage and family therapist), I would highly recommend you both go in to see a therapist together.  Based on your statements alone, you have been manipulated and deceived by your husband.  This is absolutely not something that should be easily discarded or swept under the rug.

    I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple but if this is a pattern of his (lying, manipulation, etc), then there is high chance he will continue these behaviors if they are not addressed and worked on as a couple.  It might even be helpful for him to have individual therapy in addition to marital therapy.  

    GL to you and your DH.  I hope you are both able to work this out.   

    Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me. 



    Soooo......what happened to that baby??

    I had an abortion then too. My husband said he couldn't raise a child that wasn't his.

    I wish it were bs. People make mistakes and I really didn't realize that he was so upset about it still.

  • Counselling ASAP. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. He completely betrayed you and made a life-altering decision without regard for your wishes. That lack of trust or consideration for you is very alarming.
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  • image WendalinD:
    image ImThisBabysMom:
    image WendalinD:

    Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me. 



    Soooo......what happened to that baby??

    I had an abortion then too. My husband said he couldn't raise a child that wasn't his.

    I wish it were bs. People make mistakes and I really didn't realize that he was so upset about it still.

    Having an affair causes serious damage to the betrayed spouse. The effects of that can last a very, very long time -- especially if the situation is not handled properly.

    I'd suggest you both read "Not 'Just Friends'" by Dr. Shirley Glass. And I'd also recommend you both get joint and individual counseling. Both your affair and his deception are issues that need to be resolved carefully and fully, or they will continue to have damaging effects on each of you and your marriage (and even future relationships, if you split up).

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  • wow, a tough situation to be in. Definitely talking about it with an expert that can guide you both to working this out might be the best solution. The best of luck to you.
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  • image WendalinD:

    Hello all,

    My husband and I have been married for 5 years and recently started talking about having children. He was ready to start trying, but I was a little hesitant and felt like I wanted to wait another year. We decided to switch over to condoms as our primary method of birth control and I stopped taking my pill. Well I recently found out I was pregnant and I was pretty shocked even though I know condoms aren't 100% effective.

    Here is where I really need help though. My husband admitted the other night that he had been tampering with the condoms in order to get me pregnant. I am so hurt and shocked and feel betrayed! How could he do that to me? We are supposed to be a partnership and make these decisions together, but he thought that if I got pregnant now I would realize that I really didn't want to wait that year. I honestly don't know what to do. I am living in the guest room right now because I can't stand to be near him. 

    What would you do? Any advice is appreciated. 

     

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  • I would get into counseling ASAP. I would be LIVID if MH did that
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  • I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I would deffinatly get into counseling together and seperatly. Good luck with what ever you decide.
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  • Oh my God. Your poor baby. This makes me so sad. What you did last year, now how your husband deceived you in such a cruel way... and this innocent baby's life is on the line because of two selfish, immature as$holes who seem to stay together in order to repeatedly hurt each other. I usually don't get so emotional over random posts and people's drama, but this situation breaks my heart. ETA - I'm pro-choice, too. But WOW your situation really tests the limits of my stance in that position.
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  • image dani2480:
    image WendalinD:
    image ImThisBabysMom:
    image WendalinD:

    Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me. 



    Soooo......what happened to that baby??

    I had an abortion then too. My husband said he couldn't raise a child that wasn't his.

    I wish it were bs. People make mistakes and I really didn't realize that he was so upset about it still.

    Having an affair causes serious damage to the betrayed spouse. The effects of that can last a very, very long time -- especially if the situation is not handled properly.

    I'd suggest you both read "Not 'Just Friends'" by Dr. Shirley Glass. And I'd also recommend you both get joint and individual counseling. Both your affair and his deception are issues that need to be resolved carefully and fully, or they will continue to have damaging effects on each of you and your marriage (and even future relationships, if you split up).

     I agree 100%

     

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  • Screw counseling....divorce his shady ass.  And shame on you for getting KU by some other man while married.  Both you two are winners.
  • image robinsokj:
    You're both fvcked

    yup


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  • image WendalinD:
    image babyike:

    Speaking professionally (I'm a marriage and family therapist), I would highly recommend you both go in to see a therapist together.  Based on your statements alone, you have been manipulated and deceived by your husband.  This is absolutely not something that should be easily discarded or swept under the rug.

    I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple but if this is a pattern of his (lying, manipulation, etc), then there is high chance he will continue these behaviors if they are not addressed and worked on as a couple.  It might even be helpful for him to have individual therapy in addition to marital therapy.  

    GL to you and your DH.  I hope you are both able to work this out.   

    Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me. 

    I believed your story until you added this.

    now I call mud

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  • image HappyAardvark:
    Oh my God. Your poor baby. This makes me so sad. What you did last year, now how your husband deceived you in such a cruel way... and this innocent baby's life is on the line because of two selfish, immature as$holes who seem to stay together in order to repeatedly hurt each other. I usually don't get so emotional over random posts and people's drama, but this situation breaks my heart. ETA - I'm pro-choice, too. But WOW your situation really tests the limits of my stance in that position.

    and in the event that its actually true.. I agree with pretty much all of this. WHY the would your H think that causing you to get pregnant would be some way of getting back at you?!? now a poor child is going to be brought up in a screwed up household and was never REALLY wanted (for the right reasons) in the first place

    photo 22e3a93e-8933-4ed0-acf4-72665341621b_zpsd73ca8f6.jpgp>

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  • Seriously, get a divorce.
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