Preemies

RSV and the holidays

I need to vent big time!

My twin girls were born at 28 weeks gestation.They were on O2 for a month. We did qualify for snyagis and they started it on Thursday (11/10). The holidays are typically spent with my DH's family. With the girls being preemies and so young, I want to have a low key holiday season.

Well apparently me wanting to have a low key holiday season has REALLY upset his family including DH.  I've pretty much pissed everyone off. My DH hasn't made this any easier, because he's telling everyone what they want to hear (thus pissing me off!). He has 2 neices that are 8 and 6 and have been sick every.freaking.year during Thanksgiving or Christmas. And every.freaking.year I get whatever they have (including when I was pregnant and we asked if they were sick and the response was no, however they were...4 days after being home I was sick). 

 I have explained until I'm blue in the face about RSV and now bad it can be for preemies...multiple times. 

We agreed (or at least I thought we agreed) to have Thanksgiving at his parents home with us staying in a hotel so everyone could be together. The following week, change of plans. Then it was we were going to his parents, and his sister & her family) would come to us with them staying elsewhere. Well surprise, change of plans again. Everyone is pushing to stay at our home.  The momma bear in me gets angry...

I sent a rather nice email to his mom and sister letting them know I wanted to minimize the girls risk of getting sick and once again explained RSV. Said my intent was not to keep anyone away from the girls, but I wanted to keep them safe.

Fast forward to tonight, my DH and I have a disagreement about this entire ordeal. They are saying I sent a hurtful email and they will never get to see the girls; that I hate them; that I made his mom and sister cry, that I'm never going to allow them to go see their grandparents, that we will never spend a holiday season together again, etc. etc. etc. Seriously...

I just don't understand why they cant understand I'm trying to keep my girls healthy! My family (both parents are deceased) is rather large. My sister & BIL have 5 boys and my brother and SIL have 5 boys. They are not freaking out by any means. In fact they understand! 

 Please tell me I'm not crazy, or tell me I am. 

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Re: RSV and the holidays

  • Same situation here except my boys are 14 months now.  They were also born at 28 weeks. DS2 was on oxygen for 6 months after he was discharged. I have gotten to the point where I just don't care what anyone thinks anymore.  You are doing what is best for your children who cares if other people think you are paranoid.  We are still staying home this thanksgiving then tonight my dh comes home saying his mother asked if we can come there before his sister with the kids comes over.  Sigh... it's like if you make one exception they step all over you.  I've also explained about RSV til I was blue and a year later here we are.  

    Keep in mind this is the same MIL who showed up to the NICU last year telling me how everyone at her work is sick except her after I explained the NICU rules.  

     

    You are not crazy if you are then I am too. :) 

  • <<hugs>>   It hard this time of year, I can't believe your families (in law) don't understand the importance of keeping everything low key for the cold and flu season.  WTH  I think it would make me even more angry if DH is not on the same team, obviously he was there for the good and the bad with the babies...he of all people should be doing whats in the best interest of the babies....sigh...stay strong, you all are doing the right thing :)
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  • I say, from what you explained-- THEY are crazy, not. you.  Hold your ground.  
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  • Maybe you can suggest your MIL speaks to your pediatrician? It seems like they think you are overreacting/making up excuses (I get this all the time too so I understand). It could possibly help if they hear it directly from your doctor. 

    And at the end of the day, if they don't get it, too bad for them. It sounds like your MIL and SIL are ganging up on you and over dramatizing this.  You are the mama bear and need to do what is right for your kids. 

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  • I am going to be mean but your husband is being kind of an ass. Maybe take him to see your peditrician (or call) so he can hear just how bad RSV can be/get; This is not a time for thinking that nothing bad will happen. As far as your ILs, stand your ground this is not about them...get the Dr to explain RSV to them whether through litature or a letter. if they still can not see the seriousines than maybe they do not deserve to see the kids. One missed T-day and Xmas in a lifetime of them is not a big deal.
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  • I think you've made a lot of reasonable concessions so that they CAN see the girls. I don't think your requests are unreasonable in the slightest and I'm so sorry your in-laws just can't understand. Usually I'd say to try and explain the risks of them getting sick, but you already have and all they can think of is how this affects them.

    I know it's hard to go against what your family is pushing for, but you'll regret not putting your foot down if the girls get sick. Now is the time to put the girls first and everyone else second and to helll with everything else. If anyone brings it up again, don't even bother explaining things out again. I would just say, "This is how it's going to be and if you guys have a problem with it, then I will make sure the girls are not there on Thanksgiving so there's NO chance they'll get sick."


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  • the march of dimes has a great RSV letter about preemies & their risks..show it to your husband..then make copies (change the wording to your liking) & then share it with your MIL & SIL..if they still dont get it..tough poop for them.. the reality is you have twin girls that dont need any extra exposure to be sick..

    You are their mom..GL

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  • My preemie did get RSV and its been a long, sucky year dealing with the consequences of the RSV. Compound that with just preemie stress. Hold your ground. They dont know what they are talking about. 
  • Thank you all for backing me up! I was so upset last night because obviously it was never my intent to hurt anyone, but to protect my girls. And as someone mentioned, missing one year isn't going to do ANYONE harm. I thought about that late into the night.

    My MIL was at one of the appts with me and heard all about RSV, but hey did you know it doesn't apply to family..grrr. Even in the NICU she completely ignored guidance by the nurses. She rocked one of the girls until she had a brady. Of course the entire time I'm telling her to stop rocking; then she would twist..stop twisting. Thank goodness the nurses we also watching her like a hawk. Oh I could go on and on about this stuff. 

    Chicken - I completely agree he is being an arse. 

     I'm not backing down. They are very much trying to manipulate/guilt me; its not working to achieve their goal. Don't get me wrong it hurts me to think I'm hurting someone else, but my girls are my first priority. 

    TTC since August 2008 09/10 IVF#1 - 2 xfred, 3 frosties - BFP!!! Beta #1 477, Beta #2 1318, Beta #3 2703 Our twin girls were born at 28 weeks 1 day due to severe Pre-E. Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • image ChickensFive:
    I am going to be mean but your husband is being kind of an ass. Maybe take him to see your peditrician (or call) so he can hear just how bad RSV can be/get; This is not a time for thinking that nothing bad will happen. As far as your ILs, stand your ground this is not about them...get the Dr to explain RSV to them whether through litature or a letter. if they still can not see the seriousines than maybe they do not deserve to see the kids. One missed T-day and Xmas in a lifetime of them is not a big deal.

    I completely agree with this.  No snark to you OP - I'm reserving that for your H and your ILs, since they're being giant assholes about the entire thing.  Stand your ground!  It's their issue if they refuse to understand why you need to do this (but I do hope they come around for you).  GL, and do whatever you need to to keep your LOs healthy! 

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  • image ronatxtx:

    Thank you all for backing me up! I was so upset last night because obviously it was never my intent to hurt anyone, but to protect my girls. And as someone mentioned, missing one year isn't going to do ANYONE harm. I thought about that late into the night.

    My MIL was at one of the appts with me and heard all about RSV, but hey did you know it doesn't apply to family..grrr. Even in the NICU she completely ignored guidance by the nurses. She rocked one of the girls until she had a brady. Of course the entire time I'm telling her to stop rocking; then she would twist..stop twisting. Thank goodness the nurses we also watching her like a hawk. Oh I could go on and on about this stuff. 

    Chicken - I completely agree he is being an arse. 

     I'm not backing down. They are very much trying to manipulate/guilt me; its not working to achieve their goal. Don't get me wrong it hurts me to think I'm hurting someone else, but my girls are my first priority. 

    Geeze, I should've read further in the thread before responding earlier lol!  Good for you, hun - you are doing the best you possibly can for your girls!  Keep that up!  Big Smile

    I understand the feeling of hurt when hurting someone else with stuff like this - I'm dealing with some IL issues with the holidays too, and my MIL's a fvcking peds RN and STILL loses her shiit unnecessarily when I say we're not exposing J to my nephews during RSV season.  They'll get over their disappointment, and they'll be able to see her at other times throughout the season - without the kids in tow.

    Hopefully your ILs will get over their bullshitted whiney attitude about the whole thing, and they'll get over not spending the holidays with you guys this year.  ::hugs:: 

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  • You are not crazy. I'd be very equally ticked at DH. The only thing I can suggest is talking to your Ped and maybe having him explain to DH the risk etc.

    I will be real honest and say that I personally would stand my ground and stick to my guns, even if it made DH upset. But that's just me and my DH gets it so I am not in your shoes...

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  • DH's dad wants us to come to their (he and girlfriends) new place this year...Ain't gonna happen! They smoke a LOT in their house and I will not have DS there! DH's dad hasn't mentioned Thanksgiving to me yet, just DH, but I said no to DH (who didnt argue)and will the same to his dad if/when asked! DS has already been exposed to strep and RSV(my mom keeps him and my nephew- mom had a cold, nephew had RSV and older nephew had strep). Thankfully it is the beginning of the season and I am hoping there won't be anymore illness going aroung our family once this round ends...
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  • Oh I am so glad I am not the only one dealing with this. Not specific to the holidays, however, my entire family as well as my husbands entire family live in the area and they are all terrible about understanding my wishes concerning our daughter. Not only about seeing and holding her, etc. but also about other serious things like handwashing, smoking, being around her while sick, getting their flu shots, etc. 

     

    I AM GOING CRAZY....I do not want to upset them, but they do need to respect our wishes for our daughter's safety. 

  • You are not crazy.  You're a good mom doing what is best for your babies.  I think we're probably all in the same boat on this issue.  I do not care who I piss off.  We all have to do what is best for our babies and if others do not understand it, then they will get over it.  They will not be the ones up all night, out of work and possibly in the hospital with sick babies.  But I wish your H was backing you up on this.  GL!
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