3rd Trimester

What's your take on people "waiting" around at the hospital?

  I am getting more and more uneasy with the fact that DH's family are just planning to "show up" They haven't once asked me if i'm comfortable with it or if I even have room for them to stay at my house. I feel like I should have some say, but because DH's family already have 3 grandkids, I feel like they think they know whats best.

   I do not have to worry about my family. My father lives in Ontario(we live about an hour from the BC border) and my mother will be flying up from Australia, and has been more then willing to listen to my requests. I feel communication should be important, and I don't know how I feel about family and friends just sitting around "waiting". I mean I guess if that's what they want to do, but I think I want to push this baby out on "My own time" and not have people waiting.

   I don't want that pressure, also I don't want to "entertain" people while in Labour.Maybe that's not the right word, but being vulnerable and cranky isn't something I want to pass on. Not even to my own mother! I would feel so much more at ease and at peace if it were just DH and I, with the nurses. And once baby is born and we've established BF, then family and friends could slowly take turns stopping by.

   My concern is, People waiting on me. I don't feel comfortable with that at all. And i'm afraid of coming off mean to DH's family. Communication with them is like talking to a brick wall. I wish my DH would not beat around the bush and just tell them! HELP! 

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Re: What's your take on people "waiting" around at the hospital?

  • If they want to sit in the waiting room for up to 24 hours, they can go for it. You don't own that. If they want to be in the room with you (I say NO), use your L & D nurses for crowd control.

    Now, coming to my house to stay for a week is a different story. You have to set boundaries, and rely on your DH to do that for you since it's his family.

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  • Honestly, I would just not worry about them! Let them wait if they want to. Take all the time that you need alone with your husband and baby. When you feel the time is right for visitors, then let them back. No one can get mad at you for wanting some alone time - you will have a new baby to bond with and will have just given birth. It's a day for the three of you, and that's all you need to worry about.

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  • Just tell the nurses not to let ANYONE back to see you until YOU (***NOT DH) say so.  They can be in the waiting room all they want...you don't even need to worry about them!  And, if anyone asks/implies about staying at your home, just politely direct them to a local hotel.
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  • DH and I had a discussion about that this morning because FIL wanted to wait at the hospital while I was in labor.  I told him that I didn't want to have to worry about having the baby in a timely manner because of someone waiting.  Hell, I don't even want anyone coming to visit for the first few hours so LO and I get the chance to practice breastfeeding without guests having to stare at my boobs.

    I would suggest talking to them about your concerns.  You could suggest that they get a hotel room and wait there until you or DH give them a call, then you can delay calling them until you're ready to have guests.  The hospital can help you out too.  They will only allow the people in the room during labor you authorize, and you can set a limit of number of visitors in the room that the hospital will enforce on your behalf.  They may have visitor number policies anyway.

    If they don't listen, then they just get to sit in the waiting room for hours.  Their accomodations are not your concern when you've already tried to give them some suggestions.

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  • Tell the hospital staff not to allow them in your room at least.  I don't want people up there either, but I mostly just want them to stay out of my L&D room.  

    With DS#1 only out parents were there, but our moms kept coming in the room.  I love both our mother's but their voices are the last thing I want to hear while I'm having contractions.  I also hated that they were in there when I got examined every 5 min (not literally, but it seemed like it!).  

    I told my MIL we aren't telling her when I'm going into labor this time if she thinks she's going to hang out waiting in my room like she did the last time.  She seems to think I'm joking, but I'm not. I told my mom the same.  DH will let them know when they can come up there.  

    I plan on telling the hospital staff that DH is the ONLY one I want there (unless of course our son wants to come see us for a little bit) and not to allow other visitors in.  They want to wait in the in the waiting room for hours on end? Then that's their problem.  
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  • My whole family waited in the waiting room all day when I was in labor (and DH's too).  I didn't even notice they were there.  UNTIL...my mom convinced one of the nurses to let her in to my room "just to check on me".  That really pissed me off, as we told both our families we didn't want anyone in the room.  They shouldn't bother you as long as they're in the waiting room, but just make sure that the nurses know in no uncertain terms that no one is allowed into your room.

     As far as staying with you, well...that's a tough situation.  If they're not overbearing, you might appreciate the help.  But if they don't know when to keep their mouths shut (like my ILs), you're gonna want them staying somewhere else.  Even if you pay for a hotel for them, it might be worth it.

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  • I told our parents that they were more than welcome to come wait at the hospital as long as they understood that they could be waiting a long time, and will even be waiting probably an hour after LO gets here. I let them know that they can stay in the waiting room and I will send DH out every so often with an update but I don't want them in the room and I don't want a parade route coming into my room 10 minutes after I give birth. I everyone else (brothers and sisters) that we would let them know when she gets here and when we are ready for visitors. This is time we will never get back and you should not have to worry about entertaining people or worrying about making them wait on you. This is your time and they should respect you. If you don't want them there at all, tell them you are not comfortable knowing knowing there are people waiting and they are welcome to wait at home and you and DH will inform them as soon as you are ready to see people. I don't know your family but most people would be understanding even if they get their feelings hurt. I would enlist DH to take the lead on talking to his family and just be frank with them. Good luck!
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  • I really didn't want people waiting in the waiting room when we had our first. Originally the plan was to call everyone after the baby arrived. But unfortunately I ended up being induced at 37 weeks for high BP and DH called all the family to tell them what was going on. He asked that no one come to the hospital until we called them to tell them the baby was here.

    As usual, his mother (who has no respect for anyone else) ignored that request, and showed up in the waiting room a couple hours before Avery was born. She kept calling and texting DH to find out what was going on.

    Once Avery was born, she wouldn't let up. She was waiting to see him and she wanted to see him NOW. She was putting a ton of pressure on DH to let her come back to our room. We were barely settled in to the room they moved us to after he was born when she came barging in. She immediately took him away from me and went and sat on the other side of the room. 

    I had been in labor for 38 hours and desperately wanted to take a nap, but she would not leave. DH fell asleep on the couch, and I was sitting there wanting her to give him back and leave but she just kept saying, "oh I'll hold him you just go ahead and sleep." I didn't want to sleep with her there - I wanted my baby back and I wanted some privacy. She stayed for over 2 hours, and by then my parents and DH's dad and stepmom and brothers all showed up (they had all respected our wishes and waited a couple hours before coming to visit!). 

    I totally understand where you're coming from, not wanting people waiting on you in the waiting room. I should have spoke up and made the nurses keep her out of the room, but she was so pushy and DH finally gave in and let her come in. And I felt too pressured and stressed by it all to do anything about it (plus utterly exhausted and emotional).

     

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  • If you want to avoid all that and have time alone with your DH and new baby just wait to call people after the baby is born.
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  • The hospital I'm giving birth at is great - The L&D dept is behind locked doors, and the only people allowed inside are the pregnant woman, her significant other (if the pregnant woman allows it), and 3 guests designated by the pregnant woman.  I have the same concerns as you, and I am not allowing ANYONE in the L&D area except my husband.  We've already decided not to call family & friends until after LO is born, and only when we are ready to 'entertain' visitors.  I

    I truly don't think I want anyone around while I'm in the hospital at all except my DH, even after the baby is born, so if DH wants to take LO out to visit family in the waiting room, he can, but of course that's only going to be a few minutes at the most and then DH & baby will be right back in L&D with me.  As far as I'm concerned, family can wait out in the waiting room for my entire 2-4 day stay in the hospital, I am not making any special arrangements for them to visit me in my hospital room and since there is no public 'baby viewing window' area of the nursery, visitors should have no reason to visit us in the hospital.

    As far as visitors at home, no one is coming over for at least two weeks after we get home, and then, 1 guest is allowed for only for 30 minutes at the most once a day.  This is the only time we get to bond as a family from the start with my baby and DH, and the best chance for me to get into the habit of BF.  No one except my baby and my DH can help with this experience, except maybe a lactation nurse, and no one in my family qualifies with that certification.

  • We have been telling people we will call them when we are ready for visitors. Our parents will be at the hospital waiting, but the waiting room is outside L & D and they can't come back there unless my FI or a nurse comes to get them. We also plan to turn our phones off while I'm in labor so that those who are waiting in the waiting room are not texting or calling asking about my progress.

     Just tell your nurses that you do not want anyone except DH in the room with you. They won't let anyone in. If DH tries to let people back there you need to tell your nurses not to allow it.

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  • Uugghhhh!! Just reading this pisses me off for you!!! I am kind of going through the same situation. I have an INSANE cousin who lives 4 hours away and just had the nerve to text me and ask me if she could come camp out at my house about two weeks before my due date so she would be here?! She has also asked me if she could come live with us and be my nanny?! Ummmm HELL NO! I try to be nice but today I thought I was going to explode. I text her back and simply said sorry it won't be a good time, that I would be traveling back home (where she and the rest of my family live) around cmas and she could meet the baby then. Do people really think that we want visitors while we are in labor and going through all this stuff?? Holy crap! When I'm in pain I want to lock myself in my room and want everyone to leave me alone! I won't even want my husband near me until we go to hospital. People are stupid. PERIOD!
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  •    Thanks ladies! I am definitely alot more at ease knowing I'm not alone when it comes to all these feelings. This is my first and I don't want anyone to take this moment away from DH and I. I want it to be special and I definitely don't want to be pressured into anything I don't want. As for DH's family, I will deff just let them do what ever the heck they want, but will use my L&D nurses like you all suggested to keep them out until the 3 of us are good and ready.

       If they want to sit and wait for 20 hours then so be it! We have hummed and hawed about the idea of offering to help pay for a hotel, since having my mom stay with us(she planned this months ago) and his family who just randomly called the other day to "tell" us they were coming, would be plenty of help. I do not want to be overwhelmed with my mom and his WHOLE family in one house. This way, we still have some space to breathe in our beautiful baby. I think that may be our best option. I just wish they would of called and discussed their ideas not tell us what was going to happen. Fingers crossed to DH taking the lead and telling his folks and sibs how we feel.

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  • I don't care if people wait in the waiting room.  It's only going to be my parents and possibly my brother anyway.  They know they're not going to be in the room with me.  They also know they can come in to say hello while I'm laboring but will keep it short and sweet before heading back to the waiting room.  My MIL will be watching my DD this time around but last time showed up and waited in the waiting room.  

    I never felt "pressure" to speed things along because people were waiting for me.  I knew they had cars and were able to leave as they so pleased.  It was their decision.

    As far as "waiting until you establish BFing" that could take weeks or months, not a couple of hours.  Tell your DH that you would like to wait to call family until after the baby is born and you have had a few hours to relax.  Also rely on your hospital staff to keep everyone out of your room until you're ready for guests. 

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  • As said- you can't control who is in the waiting room, but talk tot he hospital about their rules about people coming to your room.  Our hospital was VERY strict and visitors could only come back when escorted by my DH.   And then it was only 3 people at a time.

    As for people staying at your home - dont' be passive and tell your DH not to be passive.  Make it clear to his family that while you're home w/ a newborn, no one will be staying at your home and then give them a list of local hotels.

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  • Def speak your mind now and let everyone know what you want. As for me, I don't mind if people come in a and out to visit me, as long as they are there to help and support....they are not allowed in for "checks" and nurses etc will know this. AND if I am in way to much pain and it is to much I will ask for visitors to remain out and also inform nurses. Also, no one else except for DH while pushing and for an hr or so or until we are ready after wards. So do what is best for you and your family and tell DH you NEED him to step it up with them and for your wishes.
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  • Part of the appeal of the hospital I chose is that they have a very strict policy on visitors in L&D. The basics of the policy are that unless I personally approve the person, they aren't getting past the main waiting area. Period. I have it to where the only 2 people allowed unrestricted access to me are my mom and my husband.

    After hearing the horror stories from my SIL about what FIL did when their daughter was born, I made sure to find a hospital that both met my requirements as far as medical care goes AND had a strict visitation policy.

    DH and I have agreed that FIL won't even get a phone call until AFTER the baby is born. FIL and I do not get along and DH doesn't want me dealing with that stress until absolutely necessary.

    Honestly, double check your hospital's policies. A lot of them have gotten very strict about visitors in the last few years. Usually unless you personally clear it, you can at least have people leave you the heck alone until after you've been moved to a recovery room or something.

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  • They can wait outside in the waiting room all they want. That doesn't mean you have to let them see the baby or you until hours later or even the next day. Have the baby, bond with baby and your DH for a couple hours, then send the nurse or your DH out to say that you're resting and will take visitors at a later time and you'll let them know when.
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  • image earlysun:

    If they want to sit in the waiting room for up to 24 hours, they can go for it. You don't own that. If they want to be in the room with you (I say NO), use your L & D nurses for crowd control.


    Ditto.  I don't care if everyone I've ever met is in the waiting room, as long as they are not in my birthing room, I don't care!  lol

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  • image TimeRacer:

    Part of the appeal of the hospital I chose is that they have a very strict policy on visitors in L&D. The basics of the policy are that unless I personally approve the person, they aren't getting past the main waiting area. Period. I have it to where the only 2 people allowed unrestricted access to me are my mom and my husband.

    Honestly, double check your hospital's policies. A lot of them have gotten very strict about visitors in the last few years. Usually unless you personally clear it, you can at least have people leave you the heck alone until after you've been moved to a recovery room or something.

     

    THIS. I want no one except DH with me, and no one gets past the security doors at L&D unless you have approval from the family (me & DH). So, if family shows up, that's too bad. Sit in the uncomfy chairs in the waiting room because I'm not letting you up.

    We had a discussion with all parents and families asking to respect our wishes about that. We will call when we go to the hospital, and call when we are ready for visitors. Until then, stay at home and relax until baby and his/her new family is ready for visitors.

    I want to enjoy the first moments of my new family as just us, the new family. Not with a bunch of other people racing to see who gets to hold baby first, you know? 

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  • I don't like the idea of anyone waiting around, even in the waiting room. Thankfully we are planning a homebirth. That means no waiting rooms, no pressure and sure as hell no house guests. We are not planning on telling anyone when we are in labour and will not be having visitors until the next day unless we are up for it and call to let others know.

    You need to stand up for yourself OP.

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  • I completely understand what your saying. and out of all the things to be worried about with birthing, I'm more worried about feeling the pressure of having to talk and entertain. I have warned both DH's parents and mine that when in pain I like silence and to be alone, so all four understand that when my DH or myself say everyone out, it won't hurt anyone's feelings. Everyone also knows that I am going naturally and will be doing this on a timeline that might be different than what they are "used to" and to not talk about epis or any other pain management. It sounds strict but this is I and my DH want and if they can't follow what we want then they can wait in the waiting room period. And when it is time to push, it's to only be myself anf DH. But I have made this clear to all four.

     But I say sit down and talk to your DH about the guidlines you have and maybe when they can visit and when they'll need to leave and let them know in advance the guidlines so they are not taken off gaurd. And you can do it in a very nice manor and I told most of them that as far as how long they can hang out and all that is going to be a game day call, LOL. GL! and just make sure you speak up and so you can have the birth experience you want.

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  • Just don't tell them when you're going in to the hospital. Call them when baby is born and you are ready for visitors.
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  • I think it's funny you say you want to push this baby out on "my own time".  This baby isn't coming on your time, or their time, it's coming on it's own time and not a minute sooner.  I'm ok with people being at the hospital.  Labor isn't quick, and I didn't have anyone sitting waiting for hours.  If they had, it would have been a day and a half wait and only a completely crazy person would do that.  Even if they do come up to the hospital, chances are they will come and go a bit and not just sit around the whole time.

    Ultimately, it's your decision whether you want people there or not.  If you don't, let them know.  Just be prepared for some hurt feelings.

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  • image Frostycake2011:

      I am getting more and more uneasy with the fact that DH's family are just planning to "show up" They haven't once asked me if i'm comfortable with it or if I even have room for them to stay at my house. I feel like I should have some say, but because DH's family already have 3 grandkids, I feel like they think they know whats best.

       I do not have to worry about my family. My father lives in Ontario(we live about an hour from the BC border) and my mother will be flying up from Australia, and has been more then willing to listen to my requests. I feel communication should be important, and I don't know how I feel about family and friends just sitting around "waiting". I mean I guess if that's what they want to do, but I think I want to push this baby out on "My own time" and not have people waiting.

       I don't want that pressure, also I don't want to "entertain" people while in Labour.Maybe that's not the right word, but being vulnerable and cranky isn't something I want to pass on. Not even to my own mother! I would feel so much more at ease and at peace if it were just DH and I, with the nurses. And once baby is born and we've established BF, then family and friends could slowly take turns stopping by.

       My concern is, People waiting on me. I don't feel comfortable with that at all. And i'm afraid of coming off mean to DH's family. Communication with them is like talking to a brick wall. I wish my DH would not beat around the bush and just tell them! HELP! 

    If I remember correctly you are in GP.  If that is the case you don't have to worry at all.  The GP hospital doesn't allow more then 2 extra people (you, your husband and someone else) into the labour room at all and the only waiting room that family/friends can wait in is the main waiting room at the entrance.  They can't even come up to L&D unless your husband goes and gets them.  The GP hospital is very mother friendly and if you want, you can even tell the hospital that nobody is allowed to know you are there, and then they can't even tell you in-laws whether or not you are even a patient.  Basically they give you complete control. 

    I gave birth to my daughter there in 2010 and thought I wouldn't want to call anyone until after she was born, but once we were admitted we called our parents.  My parents live here also but they wouldn't even think about coming while I was in labour and my in-laws live in Lloyd so they were planning on coming down a few days after she was born.  I did however make it a stipulation that they stay in a hotel rather then our house and they were fine with that.

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  • Personally I think it's a little annoying for people to be sitting outside in the waiting room. When I had DS my mom and MIL came at 11pm when I got checked in, sat in the waiting room until 2pm the next day when I had my c-section, came in for like 10 minutes to meet the baby and then both went home. Kind of pointless and it did somewhat stress me out that they were out there the entire time. I also had a set of friends that just came to the hospital at like 10am because the heard I was in labor the night before. They waited around for like 2 hours. I was annoyed when I was told they were out there, but they are kind of "those people" who don't know good social ettiquite. Anyway, this time I told everyone that we would call them when the baby is here and they are welcome to come after we've had a few hours of family time. Friends I told not to come until the next day. I used the excuse that I want my DS to meet his brother in a small intimate setting without a bunch of people around.

    My family is totally understanding although now DHs family are acting like they are all freaked out to come at all. We keep saying - are you coming the evening after the birth? (we know when because its a csection) and they all say - oohhhh maybe, i dont know, we'll just wait to hear from youuuuu. So, I think they all feel a little weird about it, like they screwed up last time or something so now I don't want them there. 

    My advice is to set clear boundries with DHs family now. I sent out an e-mail to everyone on both sides saying what I prefered would happen, gave a little baby/pregnancy update in there too and tried to make it low key. They all know what I want and if they have a problem they can deal with it themselves. Setting up clear communication now is huge, you'll have to do it eventually and it'll save you a lot of headaches if you can just be honest with his family about your wants/needs.

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  • I've already discussed this with DH and my family. People can hang around the waiting room if they insist on being at the hospital, but NOT in my room or right outside it. No lingering. I don't want people randomly showing up while I'm nursing or sleeping either. They can either wait in the designated waiting areas or go home and come back later after they've called and made sure I'm accepting visitors. I'm going to ask the nurses to enforce this as well.


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  • We also have some family who wants to be AT THE HOSPITAL when the baby is born.  I don't get why they'd rather wait there bored to death than at home or somewhere more comfortable with entertainment, but whatever.  I've made it clear no one is allowed in the labor room and that we will take our time once baby is born to bond, feed, etc. and that no one can come in until I say so and I'm comfortable. No one will see me laboring and no one can come in until after baby is born and I'm ready.   I'm not going to let anyone ruin that moment for me and DH. :) 

    I totally know how you feel and felt the same way, but have decided that I'm not going to rush for them and that they all should know labor can take a while, so I'm not going to allow myself to feel pressured and will take all the time I need/want at that moment.  I was feeling really bothered and like I woudl be forced to entertain them and let them be involved, even though I'm really not comfortable with it, but have decided how ridiculous that is.  I didn't invite them to the hospital, they've invited themselves, so I don't need to host them and will be in no position to do so.  They're also not allowed to bother DH or draw his attention away from me and he has strict orders to not leave my side! :)

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  • With my DS I didn't want people around me when I was in labor but my MIL was in my room most of the day and in the end it didn't bother me at all.  I would work on communicating with your DH and his family if you are truly concerned.
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  • image EastCoastBride:

    As said- you can't control who is in the waiting room, but talk tot he hospital about their rules about people coming to your room.  Our hospital was VERY strict and visitors could only come back when escorted by my DH.   And then it was only 3 people at a time.

    As for people staying at your home - dont' be passive and tell your DH not to be passive.  Make it clear to his family that while you're home w/ a newborn, no one will be staying at your home and then give them a list of local hotels.


    This for sure. 

    You have a husband problem if he isn't strapping a 2x4 to his spine and being firm with his family for you. He needs to quit being a wet noodle and stand up for the privacy & comfort of his new family. 

    Make sure he understands that the family is NOT to be notified until the baby is here. If someone randomly shows up at the hospital you have to make it clear to all the staff that no one  but you & DH are going to be in the room. They will help you but you have to let them know exactly what you want. 

    Honestly, if someone wants to wait around in a waiting room then that is their choice. You have no control over when the baby gets there and neither do they. 

    Talk to  your husband about this first. It seems to me like he should have set up more reasonable boundaries before this. 


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