April 2012 Moms

Missing Mom so much right now

I am just going to start out by saying that you all seem so supportive of the others in this room.  I haven't told this to anyone so far because it's really hard to admit.  I lost my Mom January 20th 2010, very unexpectedly.  I found out I was pregnant in August and am very happy about it.  I am missing her so much now and have thought about her so much more lately then I was.  I felt like I was beginning to heal, but now, knowing that my child will never get to know her...it's awful.  She was my best friend other than my husband.  I just never imagined that I would be doing this without her here.  I haven't done anything for the nursery, as a matter of fact I find that hard to do because I want her opinion and I can't have it. 

Then there is my mother in law.  Who is a great lady, but the polar opposite of my Mom.  She is SOOOO excited and has her very blatant ideas of how DH and I should do things.  I try to very nicely tell her that we have our own ways, but she pushes and she pushes and she pushes.  To top it off she lives next door and so I can't just get away for a while.  I find myself comparing her every move to my Mom's and getting angry with her because she's not like my Mom.  This isn't fair on my part because she only wants to help and be the excited first time grandmother that she deserves to be. 

 I miss her so much sometimes.  I never saw her being gone coming & I never guessed I'd be doing this without her.  I have't told DH about how much his mom has been bothering me, because I keep hoping when the hormones aren't raging so much I will calm down.  I just needed to vent because I'm not telling this to anyone.  I am doing so much remembering about my Mom lately and think frequently about what a wonderful grandma she would've been.  I think about how much fun my kids would have had with her and how much they are going to miss out on because she isn't here. 

Sorry this is so long.

IAmPregnant Ticker

Re: Missing Mom so much right now

  • I'm so sorry. I know its hard. This isn't about me but I just lost my mom in July. It's been so hard without her but at the same time being pregnant makes it easier. You have something positive to look forward to. Love this baby and teach baby about grandma by being like her. Be the amazing mom she was to you. All you can do is remember her and think about what she would do and say right now. It will always be hard, but I imagine it will be easier to bear someday.

    About MIL, I feel you there too. I do love MIL, but she's not my mom. I don't want her baby shower, I want moms. I don't want her advice, I want moms. That will never go away. Just try to remember, she loves you and the baby and only has good intentions. I recommend venting to your H. But don't voice his mother as an annoyance. Talk about how its hard because of how you miss your mom.

    I am truly sorry you are in this situation. But be strong, its ok to break and cry too though. Just love your mom and keep her in your heart. She goes everywhere you go. That's what I believe.
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  • First let me say I am soo sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was barely 21 years old. It will be 11 years this December and its not any easier. He didnt get to walk me down the aisle or meet my boys nor my future baby girl. I was just listening to some music a bit ago and crying and thinking of him. I know he would have cherished his grandchildren so much. I think the process of having a child brings up those memories in those of us who have suffered such a loss. And, it never goes away. But, take comfort in the fact that they are watching over us and although we may not see them with our eyes, we see them with our hearts.
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  • I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine doing this without my mom for support.  It must be so hard for you.  My advice would be to talk to your husband about how you are feeling.  You said he's your bestfriend so I imagine he would understand.  And it might bring you closer and make you stronger.  

    Is there any way you could honor the memory of your mother with this pregnancy.  You could paint the nursery her favorite color.  Or you could cook her favorite meal for you and DH and just have a night to remember her.  Maybe you could listen to her favorite song or artist.  Maybe make a collage or a scrapbook of your mother for the baby so that even though baby won't meet her baby will still get to know her.

    Good luck and big hugs. 

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  • Not to be totally clishe, but I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

     

    The feelings you're feeling are normal. I'm sorry that you're not getting the space that you need...it's really important for your healing, and it seems its impossible for you to receive such space :(.

     

    It's amazing that you're so able to think of her feelings in this situation....but she needs to think of yours as well. It's hard being around family members when one is missing. Maybe your DH could have a talk with her? She's probably completely unaware of how you're dealing...and she might need to be informed.

     

    Although your mom isn't there to give you her opinions, she was your mom, so I'm sure that deep down inside, you know what she would like. Think of your own childhood, your own room...and maybe that'll help you in your decision. And I'm not sure if you know the gender of LO, but if you do, maybe you can incorporate your mom in LO's name in memory. 

     

    I'm not sure of any this helped, but just know that we're all here for you whenever you need an ear to listen or some advice. 

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  • I will most definitely honor her if we have a little girl.  That was an immediate and easy decision.  I think deep down Hubby knows I'm having a really hard time.  The other night a took a warm bath and just had a good long cry and he came to knock on the door and check if I was alright.  He was really close to my Mom too, in fact the last day while we were in the hospital with her was the only time I've seen him cry.  She was the most AMAZING person I will ever know.

    I know that she will know my kids because I know she is with me all the time, I just wish that they coud know her.  I really like the collage idea and I actually have one I made for the funeral services, I'll have to keep it around. 

    Thanks all, you guys are great.

    IAmPregnant Ticker
  • I lost my Mom in February 2006, and have to say I still have moments of thinking about her, and weeks where I dream about her in my present life. I also share your thoughts on the in laws, and think that part of my distaste for them is the fact that they are not my parents and don't do things the way my parents would have (My dad passed away in 1991). I think it's helpful to vent, especially to people who understand the bittersweetness that comes with an early or unexpected loss of a parent and the joys of living life to it's fullest. I just keep thinking that they are watching me and are watching my son and the new baby grow and develop. 

     

    It is really hard the first few years, and it does get better. I found the book "Motherless Daughters" to be extremely helpful in sorting out the complex feelings of  suddenly being without my mom to turn.  

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  • I don't have any advice.  I just want to say that I am so sorry for anyone who has lost a parent.  I can not even begin to imagine how horrible that would be.  I just know that I am crying reading these posts and it just breaks my heart.  I pray that all of you will find comfort and know that your parent is so proud of you and will watch over you and your little ones. 
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  • Between your post and everyone else's post, I definitely just had a moment of crying to myself. I'm so sorry for all over your losses, losing a loved one is NEVER easy, and as time goes on you start to heal, but you never forget.  I lost my grandmother in March to cancer, they gave her 1-2 years to live, unfortunately we only had her beautiful presence for 8 weeks.  My grandmother was like a second mother to me, she was beautiful, inside and out, so vibrant and full of life and love.  I miss her all the time, and this pregnancy makes me think about her constantly as well.  She would have been such an amazing great grandmother and it upsets me to know my child won't be as lucky to have her in their life as I was.  Please stay strong, and it's always good to let it out, and have a few good cries! xoxo!
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  • I thank you all.  I know I'm not alone in my loss.  It seems like her being gone hit me harder then anyone else in my family and then pregnancy hormones and thinking about LO missing out on her is like salt in the wound.  It will get better I know.  Hopefully I can stop being so hard on mother in law.  She just makes me so crazy and upset sometimes.  And it's not that I dont' want her involved...I just wish she wasn't the only one who got to be involved.
    IAmPregnant Ticker
  • I am so sincerely sorry. Sadly, I know your pain all too well. My mom passed away in October 2009. While this pregnancy has been such a joy... I feel like I've been missing a major part of my life. A mom is a wonderful and beautiful thing... I miss her everyday but I feel I truly feel her around me... and I hope you do too. I didn't realize how lonely pregnancy would be without my mom... DH doesn't really care all too much about most things--he's loving and sweet, but doesn't care about things that my mom would. Likewise, MIL is very sweet but... it's just akward sometimes.

    I really feel your pain... I wish I could give you a hug right now. Losing a mom isn't easy but know that she is with you, guiding you, and is so proud of you and LO.

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