Single Parents

He just refuses to come see his daughter.

So my daughters father hasnt seen her since she was 8 months old. I took him to court in the begining of 2010. He was awarded supervised visitation once a month for 2 hours for good reason. I have tried and tried to get him to come see her countless times but he always has some excuse or something else to do.I even tried to not do it the way the court ordered. I really want them to know each other despite the relationship that him and i have had in the past. I dont know what else i can do to try and make him come around. He swears he loves her and wants to be in her life but he hasnt proved it one time. He didnt come to her first or second birthday party and i invited him to both. I just dont know what else i can do. I really need some advice.

Re: He just refuses to come see his daughter.

  • My advice? As much as it sucks for your daughter you have to let go of this. It is not on your shoulders to MAKE this man see his child. You are spending your energy and adding to your stress all for what sounds like a lost cause. Instead use that energy to focus more on your daughter, dont waste it on him. I am sorry, I know it is awful of him, but it is HIS bad choice to make. Good luck.

    I couldn't make this sh*t up! 


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  • This would be a very diffcult for me to watch so I can only imagine how hard it is for you.

    Just keep in mind that you are only responsible for you and the father is responsible for his own action.  This is hard as we have desires for other people but it is their's to own.

    Just the fact that you want the best for your daughter makes you an awesome mom. Never forget that.

  • You cannot force a man to be a father. Honestly, I would rather him not be involved at all rather than only being there because you are forcing the issue. Your DD is young now, but eventually she will be old enough to understand that he is only visiting her because he is being "forced" to.

    DB also has supervised visitation with my DD. He has seen her once since last Christmas Eve. I did try to get him involved for a little while, but I got tired of being disappointed and never wanted DD to feel that way. Now if he doesnt see her, it is on him. He knows where we live and knows how to get in touch with us (his family still sees DD regularly)

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  • I am not a single mom..in fact I am a step mom, but I wanted to let you know what we are experiencing right now because I thought it may help. 

    We have custody of SS6 and his mom has EOW visitation.  She goes through spurts of showing up, and then saying she is going to show and then not, and then just disappearing off the face of the earth for a few months.

    At this point she is saying she will show up and then doesn't. Now that SS is 6 he understands the whole visitation thing, but what he does not understand is why she doesn't come get him.  His self esteem has been diminished to almost nothing and I've watched a happy outgoing kid turn into a sad introvert who thinks he can do nothing right.  It doesn't matter what we do or say.  All he thinks is "if I was a better kid then my mommy would want to see me."  "If I did a little better in school or got in a little less trouble, my mommy would love me and want to see me."  These are things he has expressed to us and it's heart breaking.

    He is very loved at our house and he knows that..but it's not enough.  BM is in his life JUST ENOUGH to hurt him. 

    I truly believe if she would just make the decision to walk away for good...he would heal. (Of course I'd rather her just step up, but I don't see that happening)

    The reason I'm telling you this is because trying to force a parent who doesn't care to care..only hurts the child and sets them up for constant hurt and disappointment.

    My DH's dad disappeared when he was 2 and my DH never noticed.  He was never sad because he never expected him to come.  SS on the other hand waits by the door and then is devastated when she doesn't.

     All I'm trying to say that if your ex doesn't want to be in the child's life..don't force it.  The only one who will be missing out is him.  Your child won't know there's anything to miss.

    Watching your child stare out the window waiting for someone who never planned to show up is one of the most heart breaking things you could watch.

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  • Stop pestering him to see his DD. He clearly doesn't want to be involved, otherwise he would already be.

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  • I rarely post on here, but your post caught my attention!!
    My daughter is 3 1/2 mos and her father has NEVER seen her. I told him about appointments when I was pregnant, called the day I was in labor, etc. And I'm close with this family as well, everyone has seen her multiple times.. except him.

    I do everything and anything possible to keep the door open for him to see her and try to establish a relationship but have come to realize, he doesn't want it! He wants nothing to do with her... and I feel it's more what she represents (responsibilities and needed to grow up).

    I'm sorry! Truly feel your pain everyday, especially during the holidays or when big milestones happen. I get teary eyed knowing he's missing out on such an amazing life and adventure!

    Good luck! 

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  • I came across this quote the other day and I do think its true!

     

    Its easier to build a strong child than to repair broken men.... As much as it hurts us becasue we want whats best for our child. Its his loss in the long run his time will come when he'll regret it and it my be too late! Just focus on your baby girl and dont waste your time trying to school him on being a dad. That is something that has to come from within he can say whay he wants but actions speka louder than words. Wish you the best <3 i know its not easy!

  • its just heart breaking. She's watched all these shows with mommy and daddy in them and has caught on that there is supposed to be someone else there. She's always asking where's daddy when the last time she saw him was almost 2 years ago. I know she doesn't remember him at all. This is just a really hard situation to deal with. He makes it seem like he misses her and loves her so much but he's never around. He won't even give me the respect of a phone call. He emails me. Lol I'm just heart broken about the whole thing. She deserves way better than this.
  • thank you. I needed to hear that from somebody. I just keep feeling like I owe it to her to try.
  • you're right. Its just so hard for me to let this go. I've been trying for what seems like forever to get him to see her.
  • My daughters father is pretty much the same, he comes around once every couple of months pretending to be father of the year then he takes off without even looking back. I don't get how you can walk away from such an amazing little girl but he does it, time and again.  It's heartbreaking yes, and I feel the SAME way about the "mommy and daddy" things they see on TV or read in books. But I just do the best job I can to be both for her and she's a pretty happy kid.  It's his loss.
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