Babies: 0 - 3 Months

In-law Etiquette

This isn't meant to be rant-y or complain-y, I really need to know. I guess I missed a memo somewhere, or my in-laws are just.... unique. I need to know which.

I got chewed out by my husband the other night because I "hate" his mother. I like his mom. I do, I really do. But according to him, not only do I hate her, but I'm "killing her". Exact words. Here's the situation, the other night LO fell asleep at his usual time and hubby and I went to take a shower. Usual routine. Well, for some reason, MIL decided to go into our room and take out the baby. No questions asked, no "Hey, I've got the kid", nothing. So first, that's a breech of personal boundaries. I wouldn't ever walk into someone's room without permission. Second, I WOULD NEVER TOUCH SOMEONE'S KID WITHOUT ASKING THE MOTHER OR FATHER. "Related" or not. So naturally, I got upset. But I kindly asked her to not take the baby without asking permission first. I mean, hell, it's not like we were miles away and inaccessible, we were in the shower 5 feet away. She could have asked. I feel she should have asked. Hubby feels I hate his mother and I'm killing her... So, what did I do wrong here? Should I just be okay with someone I don't know very well entering my personal space and just walking off with my kid? I know she's related by law, but I'm not comfortable with anyone taking LO and not telling me about it. H.ell, I wouldn't let blood family do that (but, knowing them, they wouldn't...).

Second situation. SIL walked up to me at a party while I was holding LO, and literally tried to take him out of my arms. No, "Hey, can I hold him?" or even a gesture of "I'd like to hold him", no, just straight up tried to pull him out of my arms... Not only that, but she told me to "give him up". I honestly kinda wanted to stab her, but I just said, quite plainly "No." and moved away. Then she got pissy when I let a friend hold him. The friend asked if there was anything she could do to help me pack up to leave, and I asked her if she'd hold the baby real quick. SIL was in the other room, but got all kinds of pissed about it anyway.

WTF?? Can't people just ASK? Or am I nutty for thinking that they should be polite? Any advice on ways to handle this?

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Re: In-law Etiquette

  • you wouldn't do well with my family - everyone passes around other people's babies at family gatherings w/o asking permission! I pick up my nephews w/o asking my SIL as well.
  • My IL's are the same way, sorry I don't have much advice other than not answering the phone when they call, I find that helps Wink  I'm with you all the way tho, I think it's beyond rude and pushy to just grab up a baby without even asking if it's ok, my IL's do it every time they see him and act half offended if I am holding my own baby, like I should just throw him on them the second they walk in the door and grace us with their presence.
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  • It's very clear you and hubby have different up bringings. I would remind hubby of this and you dont hate your ILs. Tell him/them that you would like them to be a little more considerate or polite. Good luck.
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  • I have the same issue with DH's fam, but it's with regard to handwashing. It should be just a given that when you go to pick up a newborn, you wash or use sanitizer. They act like we are asking the world. With DS, we ended up in the hospital for a week b/c he got a fever before 28 days old. It was upsetting, time-consuming, scary and costly. We DO NOT want to go through that again, so we are super cautious about washing up. With a toddler in preschool, I will feel so lucky if we make it 28 days with no illness. But for Pete's sake, just WASH or SANITIZE without giving us grief about it or us having to ask!
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  • I kinda think you need to lighten up a little.  It's your H's mom. I can see getting annoyed she went into your room, but I think you need to relax a bit when it comes to her and your SIL's behavior. 
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  • While I would prefer that someone ask to hold my son before taking him out of my arms, my MIL would definitely do that and I probably wouldn't say anything.

    HOWEVER, if she ever went into our room and took our sleeping baby, I would be beyond pissed. My in-laws live in a different state than us, so when they were here visiting I generally let them hold Carter whenever they wanted, since they don't see him often. My parents live 15 minutes away and see him at least twice a week...they'll see him even more starting next week when I go back to work. Whenever we see them and Carter is sleeping in his carseat my mom will ask if she can take him out. I tell her that I appreciate her asking, but no, if he's sleeping I would like to let him sleep. Once he was sleeping in the swing at their house and "just happened to wake up" while I was in the bathroom...so I know he won't be getting much sleep on the day that my mom watches him during the week. Haha. I am lucky that she asks, but it's my own mom, so even if she didn't I would say something to her.

    Also, I think my husband would say something to his mom if she did that to our baby.

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  • image CocoBrynne:
    My IL's are the same way, sorry I don't have much advice other than not answering the phone when they call, I find that helps Wink  I'm with you all the way tho, I think it's beyond rude and pushy to just grab up a baby without even asking if it's ok, my IL's do it every time they see him and act half offended if I am holding my own baby, like I should just throw him on them the second they walk in the door and grace us with their presence.

    This is pretty much what I do when my IL's come in. I know they are here to see LO and not so much see us.  My Mom, however, pretty much has full reign over LO... she is at our house at least 2-3 days out of the week... I enjoy the fact that my family wants to be around her so much.  I love my baby girl but I welcome the fact that I can have a little break, especially if LO is having one of those days that she doesn't want to be put down. 

    I wouldn't necessarily say to lighten up but I think that you and the IL's need to find a common ground. They need to realize that what they're doing makes you uncomfortable and you may need to realize that they just want to spend what time they have with LO.

    As far as MIL taking LO out of the crib when you were in the shower (I'm assuming that you live under the same roof??)... was LO crying or did she just do it? Bedtime routines are one thing that I do not mess with... we haven't been able to establish a solid routine with LO yet but are trying. I have kicked my mom out because what worked for her doesn't necessarily work for us and I got to the point that I was getting so frustrated with her input that LO was reacting to it. 

     

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  • Do you live with MIL? It seems odd to me that you would both get in the shower while you had visitors, but maybe that is just me. Did LO wake up or did she just pick him up asleep? I think it is a bit crazy to insist that a grandparent have to ask every time they want to hold their grandchild. However if baby was asleep and content I can understanding being annoyed that someone picked him up. However if he was awake or fussy that is a different story. I think you are overreacting a bit.
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  • On the MIL thing - I agree w/ you.  She was wrong.  But you have a DH problem here.  HE sees nothing wrong w/ it, and the fact that he takes it to the "you hate her/ you're killing her" level.... major overreaction on HIS part.

    But he's not on the same page as you as far as boundaries go and that's the real issue here.

    As for your SIL - chill.  Why does it have to be so formal?  Would you have said "no" if she had stood there and said "may I hold your child?".  Honestly, I see it as a sign that she feels COMFORTABLE w/ you and that "of course" you'd let her hold her nephew.

    But now you've set a standard that she now knows you're going to get pissy really easily  - and I'd bet you that she probably has no idea why you turned away and said "no".  I have a feeling you just created a bigger issue than you realize!  She isn't going to realize it wasn't because she didn't ask.  She's going to think you don't like her and that you want to keep your child from her.

    In writing that, I actually have to wonder if there might be more validity in your Dh's feelings that you hate his mom. 

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  • image EastCoastBride:

    On the MIL thing - I agree w/ you.  She was wrong.  But you have a DH problem here.  HE sees nothing wrong w/ it, and the fact that he takes it to the "you hate her/ you're killing her" level.... major overreaction on HIS part.

    But he's not on the same page as you as far as boundaries go and that's the real issue here.

    As for your SIL - chill.  Why does it have to be so formal?  Would you have said "no" if she had stood there and said "may I hold your child?".  Honestly, I see it as a sign that she feels COMFORTABLE w/ you and that "of course" you'd let her hold her nephew.

    But now you've set a standard that she now knows you're going to get pissy really easily  - and I'd bet you that she probably has no idea why you turned away and said "no".  I have a feeling you just created a bigger issue than you realize!  She isn't going to realize it wasn't because she didn't ask.  She's going to think you don't like her and that you want to keep your child from her.

    In writing that, I actually have to wonder if there might be more validity in your Dh's feelings that you hate his mom. 

    No, if she had asked (either of them, really...), I'd have been totally cool with her holding him. What bothered me was that she thought it necessary to try and take him from me. If she had even motioned that she wanted to hold him, I would have let her, but she didn't. It weirds me out that anyone would think it okay to take a baby from the arms of it's mother. I'm not asking for formality, just a little common courtesy.

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  • image ctygrlstl:

    No, if she had asked (either of them, really...), I'd have been totally cool with her holding him. What bothered me was that she thought it necessary to try and take him from me. If she had even motioned that she wanted to hold him, I would have let her, but she didn't. It weirds me out that anyone would think it okay to take a baby from the arms of it's mother. I'm not asking for formality, just a little common courtesy.

    How is she supposed to "motion" though? 

    Look - you were there, I wasn't.  But I've seen people kind of do that - walk up to the mom w/ a smile and say "give me that baby!" and "take" the baby from the mom.  But it's all done in a fun, "I can't wait to hold the baby" way that it's just not a big deal.

    And again, what stands out to me even more is your reaction.  You said "no" and just walked away from her.  What do you think the impact of that is going to be on her?  If someone did that to me with no explanation, it would leave me perplexed and like they don't like me.  Really- put yourself in her shoes and imagine someone did that to you.  How would it make you feel?

    So while you claim to like his mom and you don't understand why your DH thinks you hate her.... well, I'd kind of expect to start hearing that you hate his sister based on this situation.

    Even if she is in the wrong, your reaction simply isn't going to help the situation or the bigger picture of your relationship w/ your DH's family.  That's really more what I'm trying to point out to you. 

    His family may simply be more casual and laid-back about stuff (especially as it sounds like you live w/ his mother....) than you're used to.  You need to realize that this doesn't make them wrong, it makes them different.

    If you want to have a good relationship w/ his family, I think you need to take a step back and look at this through their eyes and realize that your way may not be the only way. 

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    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • image krissywags:

    image CocoBrynne:
    My IL's are the same way, sorry I don't have much advice other than not answering the phone when they call, I find that helps Wink  I'm with you all the way tho, I think it's beyond rude and pushy to just grab up a baby without even asking if it's ok, my IL's do it every time they see him and act half offended if I am holding my own baby, like I should just throw him on them the second they walk in the door and grace us with their presence.

    This is pretty much what I do when my IL's come in. I know they are here to see LO and not so much see us.  My Mom, however, pretty much has full reign over LO... she is at our house at least 2-3 days out of the week... I enjoy the fact that my family wants to be around her so much.  I love my baby girl but I welcome the fact that I can have a little break, especially if LO is having one of those days that she doesn't want to be put down. 

    I wouldn't necessarily say to lighten up but I think that you and the IL's need to find a common ground. They need to realize that what they're doing makes you uncomfortable and you may need to realize that they just want to spend what time they have with LO.

    As far as MIL taking LO out of the crib when you were in the shower (I'm assuming that you live under the same roof??)... was LO crying or did she just do it? Bedtime routines are one thing that I do not mess with... we haven't been able to establish a solid routine with LO yet but are trying. I have kicked my mom out because what worked for her doesn't necessarily work for us and I got to the point that I was getting so frustrated with her input that LO was reacting to it. 


     

    Oh yeah I realize they are there to see LO, it's just how they go about it that bothers me and I think that the way they go about it is what bothers the original poster as well.  For example my IL's will walk in and for instance if DS is sleeping in my arms, I don't try to hand him over bc he will wake up.  FIL will say in a very accusatory tone "Aren't you going to let anyone else hold him?"  It's not in a joking playful manner.  They don't seem to have much respect for my DH and myself, I could get into the whole backstory of their relationship with DH but then I'd be here all day Zip it!

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  • image CurbsideProphet:
    Do you live with MIL? It seems odd to me that you would both get in the shower while you had visitors, but maybe that is just me. Did LO wake up or did she just pick him up asleep? I think it is a bit crazy to insist that a grandparent have to ask every time they want to hold their grandchild. However if baby was asleep and content I can understanding being annoyed that someone picked him up. However if he was awake or fussy that is a different story. I think you are overreacting a bit.

    This.

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  • I think this varies drastically by family custom.

    In my family, no one would ever yank or grab a child out of it's parents arms without at least saying "here, pass him/her" or "let me hold him/her", etc.  That would be seen as pretty rude.  There have been times I've asked DH's cousins to pass their baby, and they have answered (politely) "No, I'm all right", and other times they are happy to hand them over.  

    As for picking up a child in a bassinet/crib while you are in the shower, that seems normal.  You're not there.  The child may have started crying or fussing needing intervention.  

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  • I would be annoyed if my MIL walked into my bedroom and picked up my sleeping baby.  That's weird and awkward.  I'm unclear as to why you and DH were in the shower together with her there?  That's sort-of awkward, too.  I'd save that for when visitors aren't at your house? 

    That said, I want my ILs to feel comfortable around LO and help to take care of him.  It's their grandchild/nephew, too.  I hardly ever get to hold him when we are with my ILs but they are thrilled to have a baby in the family and I like it that they are so excited about him and love him so much.

    DH and I have not always seen eye to eye on things regarding his family, though.  It's frustrating when DH takes his family's side and not yours.  It IS your baby, and you are both the parents so you should both feel comfortable with who is holding and taking care of your baby.  If I were you I'd try to somehow get on the same page as your DH about this!   

  • image EastCoastBride:

    How is she supposed to "motion" though? 

    Look - you were there, I wasn't.  But I've seen people kind of do that - walk up to the mom w/ a smile and say "give me that baby!" and "take" the baby from the mom.  But it's all done in a fun, "I can't wait to hold the baby" way that it's just not a big deal.

    And again, what stands out to me even more is your reaction.  You said "no" and just walked away from her.  What do you think the impact of that is going to be on her?  If someone did that to me with no explanation, it would leave me perplexed and like they don't like meReally- put yourself in her shoes and imagine someone did that to you.  How would it make you feel?

    If you want to have a good relationship w/ his family, I think you need to take a step back and look at this through their eyes and realize that your way may not be the only way. 

    I just walked away because I honestly didn't know what else to do. It was such a shock that I just... walked away. It wasn't meant to be rude, it was the recourse of a very confused and ticked person. Really, it was probably the best thing I could have done, because the alternative was getting openly ticked.

    I think the main problem with me is that I can't put myself in their shoes because it's simply too "wrong" for me to understand. It's kind of an 'ultimate taboo' in my family. I think I would have been less shocked if someone had tried to bang the sofa... I know it's a 'different culture' thing, but look at it this way: Say you went to a different country and someone flipped you off. You'd be ticked and wouldn't know how to react. You'd probably just walk away, and that offends the person flipping you off but you don't know why. But then later you find out that being flipped off means "hey, you're hot!" not "Eff you!!". It'd be hard to accept and be okay with, and you'd probably not adopt the new meaning immediately. It would still feel 'wrong' to flip off someone you like, right?

    I guess that's my root problem, is that since I was brought up to believe something is offensive and rude, and even threatening, I can't wrap my head around why it's not rude to everyone else. I feel like I'm getting flipped off, and they're not meaning to flip me off, lol. I can't put myself in their shoes, because I would never, ever do something like that.

    Something that I don't get, though, is why you're saying if I want a good relationship with them, I should look though their eyes. I think it's equally fair to assume that if they want a good relationship with me, that they should analyze their actions just as much as I should. You know, come to a compromise, not just have me adopt a custom I don't like. I know they're not trying to be offensive, but they are. I think better advice would have been "talk it through with them", just sayin'.

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  • My advice is to YOU because you're the person coming here asking for it.  yes, his family could try to look through your eyes too.  But I'm not talking to them, and even if I was, neither of us can control them. All you can control is you and how you approach/react to these situations. 

    And if you think the "better" advice is to talk to them, then DO IT.  Go to your SIL and say "Hey- sorry I just said no and walked off.  Here's the thing, though..... (and then explain why you did it)". 

    But you even said in your OP that you talked to your MIL about walking into your room and taking your baby, and how did that work out for you?  your DH thinks you hate his mom and that you're "killing" her. 

    So the better advice is to tell you to do what you've (supposedly) already done and is actually what resulted in you coming here asking for advice...???

    O.k.

    As for your analogy - sure, I'd be offended if someone flipped me off, but if I shortly found out it meant something else, I'd get over it pretty quickly and move on and I'd find a way to respect it. It's really not all that difficult if you don't make it difficult. 

    But you're not doing that. You're holding on to this "this is MY way and it's the ONLY way and everyone else is wrong".

    I don't doubt there are real issues w/ your IL's and still - the fact that your DH says you're "killing" his mom, I think he's a part of the problem too.  But if you insist on digging in your heels and refusing to see things through any view other than your own, then you too actually are a part of the problem.

    For as staunchly as you're holding onto this "my SIL was rude to me!", she is probably now staunchly holding onto the fact that YOU were rude to her by walking off like that.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  Do you want to fix this or let it get worse just so that you can prove (at least in your own mind) that you're right?   

    You're the one here asking for advice, so right now it's on YOU to find a solution.  not your IL's.  You.  So you can continue to get defensive w/ me and try to tell me why my advice is bad, or you can go and try to find a solution in dealing w/ your DH and your IL's.  It's up to you.

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  • Touchy touchy, I was having a conversation, not getting defensive. It was meant as conversational, not argumentative. I thought talking things through with others would be more helpful than just reading lists of advice. I figured working through the problem would make it easier. I'm not "digging in my heels", that's why I mentioned coming to a compromise. I'm just conversing, thinking out loud even. I'll refrain from having conversations on here now, I didn't realize it wasn't welcomed. Pardon me.
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  • Oh good grief.  Just as an FYI:

    I think better advice would have been "talk it through with them", just sayin'.

    comes across as defensive. 

     

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  • I feel your pain.  I should have also said something and walked away.  Now, whenever I am over at my in-laws, I am not "allowed" to hold my own baby.  I have been told I'm selfish for "holding" her...when I was breastfeeding her, then changing her poopy diaper.  Even if she gets to the point of crying b/c she is hungry, and I've told them that she is making the signs for being hungry, IL's choose not to hand her back to me.  They will try to calm her, and have even walked off into other rooms of the house.  To me it seems simple, if she is hungry, give her back to the mom to feed, then you could probably hold her again after, and it might be nicer when baby is back to being calm and happy.  I have tried having a few discussions with my husband on this topic, but he won't provide input on the matter...he just listens, so I'm not sure how he feels, and honestly, he is just as bad as the rest when they are together...pretty much trying to hold the baby the entire time too.  I have tried to stay calm about this, but inside, I am infuriated every time we get together...which is fairly often (about once a week).  I have tried to drop hints (which they don't pick up on), but I have recently noticed that I no longer "visit" with them...I distract myself with something else (hand-washing all of canadian thanksgiving dishes for 20 people, scraping the floor in our renovation, sweeping the floor, doing laundry).  Maybe this isn't the proper way of dealing with it, but at least by telling myself that it is allowing me time to get something done, it doesn't make me as angry.  Maybe they may realize one day, that I'm no longer "social" at these family gatherings, and wonder why.

    I also understand being a upset with IL taking the baby out of the crib without asking.  We have a video monitor for our baby, and if I go to shower, then come back to our bedroom where the monitor is setup, and no longer see the baby in her crib, I slightly panic.  I assume our baby's father has picked her up, but after seeing lots of devestating stories on tv, I understand that bad things can happen, and after getting dressed, the next thing I do is go look for baby, to reassure myself. 

    Something that I thought was fairly funny (and maybe slightly mean), last time the in-laws were over, they wanted the baby right away.  I told them our 2 month old was playing hide-and-seek (she was sleeping in her carseat in the living room).  We have alot of rooms in the house, and this room would probably be missed b/c we had left the baby in the dark in there.  I told them if they wanted to see her, they had to go find her!   After combing the house, they eventually did find her, and I wasn't upset that they woke her up, b/c she had been sleeping for quite awhile.  There was just no way though that I was going to have them demanding me to bring them the baby as soon as they walked into our house.

    I am not sure if any of these could be helpful suggestions for you, or if this was mostly just venting myself, but I am glad to see that there are others dealing with this topic (and that I'm not being just another "crazy mom").

     

  • Related or not I think they should ask!  My MIL did that once when DD was only a few weeks old, I told DH that it upset me and he must had said something or she noticed that it upset me not sure which but now she asks before she takes her from me. She does hoover til I hand her over, I can deal with that I still don't give her up until I am ready though.
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  • My MIL flew in to help when I was in the hospital, and come to find out she went and cleaned my and DH's room, grabbed our dirty laundry, and washed them. Which, don't get me wrong, I was grateful for and I know she was just trying to help. But holy crap, major invasion of privacy! I was raised to never go into someone's room without permission. And the fact that she touched my underwear?! 

    As for the whole sleeping baby thing, yeah no. I would be pissed if anyone picked up my sleeping son without asking.

    But like pp said, um, do you all live together? Because I agree, that's really weird to shower together with her there. Really though, visitor or not, it's just weird period. 

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  • I would have a HUGE issue with this. 
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  • i totally understand. my MIL lives close (but rarely visits). The first time she visited, the baby had her first dr appt, so she was exhausted and was sleeping. MIL kept asking when she will wake up (when the baby wants to, duh), hoping i'd give her the go-ahead to wake her. She was even talking as loud as she could in the hopes to wake the baby (unsuccessfully- baby loves sleeping with noise).

     The moment it went from mild annoyance to full on rage was when MIL threatened to "pinch" the baby. I know she really wouldn't do it, but saying you want to hurt a newborn in front of its first-time mother is a faux-pas. i was literally shaking i wanted to smack her.

     having your MIL take your baby while you are indisposed is baby-kidnapper behaviour.

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  • PLEASE READ!! IF U CAN PULL THIS OFF ULL GET UR RESPECT AND PROTECT UR RELATION W UR DH

    number #1 u are totally right! ur right! ur his mama, and it dosent even matter if someone does ask for ur permission to hold ur LO. it s still ur right as a parent to say "N-O." but simply said...ur right

    but thats not the problem here. the problem is that ur not being heard or respectd. and it doesnt matter how right u really r if u look like ur the bad guy. the person who needs to hear u is not ur MIL it's ur DH.

    ur MIL is winning this "game" bc she looks innocent. i know this game bc my MIL has tried playing it with me.

    the best advice i can give u is to learn from ur MIL. if u want ur DH to listen and STAND UP for u and ur relationship...

    1) Tone down ur emotions when u talk to him. i know this may seem like ure not able to fully express urself to him but plz trust me when i say that men NEVER hear us when we sound like angry, raging bears.

    Do share ur anger with a wise friend or family member (or counselor) this way u can fully express with someone else

    and share emotions that are easier for DH to digest (i.e., confusion and powerlessness..."i just dont understand why ppl dont want us to make decisions for our child") so he will hear you and stand up for u

    use ur language to let him know that this is a problem that both of u r facing as a couple bc she is trying to TAKE UR PLACE andsplit u two apart. if u get a divorce...she wins bc she will have split the two of u apart and she wud b the mom while ur LO is w dad. is that what u want? plz dont let her win

    2) establish some clear boundaries with ur DH

    my DH and I's boundaries-- a) our LO goes no where without one of us b) im BFng her and in charge of her eating c) any questions his family has about what im doing i blame on him and vise versa for my family 

    ex my MIL doesnt want my LO to be BFd bc she wants to feed my child and be incharge of her. i blame it on my DH. "Oh this is what we felt was best for us" or "i dont know u better ask him"  

    but also let that man know (in a very "innocent" way..."lets not let anyone force us to do something we dnt agree upon as a couple") this is my mantra to my DH

    "i just dont want "other" ppl making decisions for our LO. we are [his] parents. i want us to make decisions as a couple" 

    1) get a healthy outlet (for me it s my mom) so you can be calm and wise when speaking to ur DH

    2) develop some clear boundaries as a couple that apply to both sets of ILs

    if you can...listen to or read "boundaries" by drs cloud and townsend 

    GL mama!! 

  • I agree that it's rude to go up and just take a baby without asking no matter if you're family or not.  However you might want to give some thought to the fact that your response may have been equally offensive to their action.  As for the MIL coming into the room and taking the baby while sleeping is a different story.  My kids aren't allowed to enter a bedroom without knocking first.  It's someone else's personal space.  We explained it to them that if we are getting changed and they just walk it they might get a very unwanted surprise.  I agree with the post earlier that your husband also over reacted to the situation.  I think the main issue is a misunderstanding of boundaries and expectations.  You're all adults and should be able to sit down and talk to resolve the issue.  Good Luck!
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  • I think you should talk to DH and let him know WHY you feel they should at least ask and that you are hurt by their LACK of consideration, this is YOUR baby and everyone needs to accept that and respect that certain boundaries do exist.  My sisters and I are very close but I never just "snatched up" their kids without and invite or at least asking.  My family also has a habit of "passing around the baby" and some are "baby hogs" BUT wheny MOMMY or DADDY says not now or if baby is sleeping NOBODY picks him/her up without the go-ahead first.

    As far as entering your room, I'd suggest locking the door, or putting a "do not disturb" sign up....maybe THEN MIL will get the picture.....

  • image EastCoastBride:

    On the MIL thing - I agree w/ you.  She was wrong.  But you have a DH problem here.  HE sees nothing wrong w/ it, and the fact that he takes it to the "you hate her/ you're killing her" level.... major overreaction on HIS part.

    But he's not on the same page as you as far as boundaries go and that's the real issue here.

    As for your SIL - chill.  Why does it have to be so formal?  Would you have said "no" if she had stood there and said "may I hold your child?".  Honestly, I see it as a sign that she feels COMFORTABLE w/ you and that "of course" you'd let her hold her nephew.

    But now you've set a standard that she now knows you're going to get pissy really easily  - and I'd bet you that she probably has no idea why you turned away and said "no".  I have a feeling you just created a bigger issue than you realize!  She isn't going to realize it wasn't because she didn't ask.  She's going to think you don't like her and that you want to keep your child from her.

    In writing that, I actually have to wonder if there might be more validity in your Dh's feelings that you hate his mom. 

    I disagree with this, it may be time to have a talk with the ILs but DH definitely needs to be on the same page, explain the difference in how your family has a better understanding and respect for boundaries. BOUNDARIES =/= DISLIKE or BANISHING..... boundaries are there for a reason, it's your baby and your choice on WHEN and HOW someone takes him/her from your arms or room...... it doesn't mean you HATE it means you need more UNDERSTANDING......

  • Within my group of close friends and my family, we all will pick up a baby or child without asking. That is if the baby is wide awake, it's a completley different story if the baby is sleeping. Then everyone just leaves the baby be. Also at family functions or if out with my close friends, we do ask to hold the babies, we would never just try to pry a baby out of the mothers hands. Now that is just uncalled for.

    My little pumpkin was born at 34weeks, weighing 3lbs, due to severe IUGR & Unexplained Placental Insufficiency. He spent 49 days in the NICU. Lilypie Premature Baby tickers imageimageimage image image image
  • Two questions:

    -Did you MIL wake the baby up or otherwise interfere with bedtime? In that case, I would request that any visitors respect the sleep schedule & rituals you have established - you can even keep them posted on the fridge.

    -By "take the baby" do you mean your MIL walked out of the house with the baby or do you mean she just took the baby into the living room? If the former, then yes I'd be freaked out if I went to take a shower & came out to find my baby was no longer in my home. Your MIL should have asked permission & left a note. If the later, then I don't see a problem (unless she woke the baby up to play with her - that's a no no in my book) - maybe she was trying to minimize the time spent in your room without you there as a gesture of respect. Maybe your baby started to cry while you were in the shower & she didn't want to disturb you, in which case she was helping.

    Re: your SIL's non-verbals - I would try being proactive. "Oh, did you want to hold her? She seems really comfortable at the moment - but it'd be great if you could hold her when I go get a plate of food." Sometimes playing "pass the baby" will wake the little person from a needed nap or otherwise overstimulate so feel free to say "not just now but how about later?" and then specify when would be most helpful and then let your SIL have her turn. She should understand and if she doesn't, she will later.

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