Down since lurking on SO board last night. vent
I am not ready to call the phase I am going through as starting over yet and thus have not introduced myself on the SO board but I do lurk to see how ladies are doing past the stage I am currently in for hope. I know some of you are on that board. I was hoping the SO board would be a place I can go and vent someday. I am not even thinking or looking to go into another relationship right now. But I shouldn?t have to feel like I am looked down upon either. I am angry at my stbxh, so angry at what he destroyed.
There was a thread about multi divorces and if we judge those who gone through multiple divorces. We don't really know what is going on through other's shoes. You see, I am going through my second divorce right now. I was first married young at the age of 22 and that marriage last for 5 years, it actully took me 5 years to get away from an abusive marriage (abuse which started before the marriage but was I was too scared and did not know how to get out of at first). I had the help of domestic violence agency.
I waited 3 years and got married again to a man I felt safe and trusted. He opened the car doors for me every day, did an elaborate proposal, and wrote poetry, made sure all my needs were met, I was in it for a long haul, and he had a baby with me. I didn't see this divorce coming nor did I ask for it. I had no choice as he refused to work things out, go to counseling or even give me the slightest example of what was bothering him. All he said was that he didn?t love me and hope that over time it would changed but it didn?t, and while that he can live without the love, he couldn't take my disability differences anymore since he didn't feel like he could be himself around me (of which he knew when he asked me to marry him) and that he did never liked my personality. I wish I had an easier answer such as abuse or cheating but I don't and this is something I will never understand. He has completely rejected me and attacked my personal character which hurts more than anything. I have no choice but to move on and live the best life for myself and my son. I am only age 35. Life isn't going how I had hoped it would go, that is all I can say.
Re: Down since lurking on SO board last night. vent
I am very sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be.
I am also sorry to hear you took the multiple divorce posts the wrong way. Everyone's situation is unique to say the least and the main example given was 4 marriages before 30 where there was a lot of jumping around quickly. There is something to be said for that and don't think you will be judged because you are on your second.
The SO board has been wonderful for me. I have never been divorced and therefore have no idea what it is like so sometimes I feel a little lost over there. At the end of the day, it is a place to go no matter what stage of starting over you are in and the ladies are welcoming and have great advice/input to give. It's nice to feel like there are other people to talk to.
Despite the cause of being there posting, the reason is the same-support and a place to say what you need to say.
I was actually the one who started that thread, and I'm sorry to hear that you took it the way you did, and got discouraged because of it.
My main intent with that post was to convey that some people simply jump from one marriage to the next, without spending any time reflecting on what went wrong, or even being by themselves. The main example that I used was of someone I know who's on marriage #4, and she's 28 years old. If you scrolled down further you would also see that she spend NO time in the dating process and simply goes from one situation to the next. I wrote on there in the most recent example, she separated from her XH #3 in October of 2010, and she just got married (in July of 2011 and is KU with baby #2). That's obviously MUCH different than your situation.
I also wrote that I was trying to not judge a cousin of mine who immediately jumped into a second marriage after her first didn't work out. There's a lot of history behind that I won't get into but my main example I was trying to use was that people need to reflect on what went wrong, or what they may have overlooked, instead of just jumping headlong into another relationship and rushing into another marriage.
I hope you don't get discouraged from posting eventually and again, I apologize that we came off as "judgy". Every situation is different.
The SO board is a great place, no matter what stage of "SO" you are in. There are plenty of women on there who have no desire to date and still harbor negative feelings towards their XH/STBXH's. That's normal. While I have started over, I jump between both boards because there are just some things that SP's know more about. Like my post yesterday asking about what everyone does for dinner w/ children.
Have you talked to a therapist or read any kind of self-help books? It sounds like you could really benefit from it. I understand it's hard to get any kind of closure when you don't even really know what the problem was in the first place. From reading you post, I can tell you that it was your STBXH who had the issues -- not you. There's more to his story than he's sharing. Do you think there may have been anyone else?
Either way -- please join us on the SO board
And hang out here too!
Oh, and FWIW, I don't judge people who get married/divorced more than once. I just judge those who do it 4 times before turning 30.