1st Trimester

Happy yet heartbroken.

Well as a back ground I am 8w3d pregnant with my (5th pregnancy) but 4th child. I miscarried my last baby right before christmas at 8wk5d. Well we are waiting to tell our families until after my first dr app. I am excited and can't wait to tell most of them  but I am having a rough time preparing to tell my sister in law. She is the sweetest most deserving woman I know but her and my brother have been TTC for over 6 years (and she has miscarried 3) are now in the process of adoption. I know she will put on a happy face for me but it always breaks my heart when i tell her that her little sis is pregnant??.. AGAIN! I feel like a fertile freak of nature when I even start to tell her and it breaks my heart that its so easy for some of us to get pregnant but not her. We have always wanted a big family and have always planned on having around 4 but I just never thought it get harder telling her with each pregnancy. Any ideas on how to not make her feel angry or bitter or just plain sad? Thanks. 
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Re: Happy yet heartbroken.

  • Its really sweet that you are thinking of her.  I would email her and nicely say you are still supporting them on their journey and you realize it is tough for her to hear this news.  Then she can cry in peace and not worry about what to say.  Then when she is ready she can congratulate you.  Good luck.

    After infertility and the loss of our first son,Gregory, we are appreciating every moment of life with our beautiful daughter Gwen and expecting another miracle in 2012!

  • It's very nice ideas that you thing about it.



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  • I know how you feel. I have a good friend that is experiencing fertility issues.  She says she and her husband are ready to start exploring adoption but anytime someone we know gets pregnant she goes nuts.  I am expecting my first after a chemical prenancy but plan to wait on telling anyone (thank god for these boards or I'd burst with the news!!) until i'm further along but I am stressing out about telling her.  I don't want her to be upset or react the same way that she has with everyone else.  My DH keeps getting frustrated with me saying that i shouldn't worry about it that it's not as if we got pregnant to hurt her AND we had some trouble of our own...easier said than done when i have to see her every day.  I wish I had some advice for you on this...hopefully you'll get some good answers that could help me out too :) ....good luck and congrats!!

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  • It's pretty hard. We have only been TTC for 10 months but I still found myself getting frustrated at everyone else having babies. It's a perfectly natural response. There's nothing you can do to make it any less painful to her I don't think. I agree that maybe you should tell her in an email so she can react in private.


    Eleanor Gwendolyn
  • I have a two friends that are dealing with infertility, and I had the same thoughts and worries as you. I told them both over email, so they didnt have to worry about hiding their unhappiness/sadness at the news. I know it is a natural reaction, and I don't fault them for being upset over my fertility.
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  • I'd tell her on the phone. That way she is hearing it from you but is still alone enough that she can digest the news the way she needs to. Do you know where she is in the adoption process? Is she matched, home study approved, or just doing reasearch? If it's one of the first two then even though she might not know when,she is expecting too and might take the news better than you think.

    Mom to Angels. Chemical Pregnancies 08/03, 04/04, 10/06, 12/21/10 -Gabriel with us for 6w 5d,BFP 5/25/11 -Jade with us for 5w 3d

    Mom to N 07/08/06, L 07/25/09, and S 05/14/12

    Stepmom to K 02/14/04 and A 12/17/04



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  • Tell her via email so she has time to process and can cry if she wants and doesn't have to (immediately) fake a happy response on the phone/in person.
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  • I would tell her on the phone so that way it is still somewhat personal, but she can quickly hang up if she wants to cry or vent to someone.

     My mom had 4 kids really easily (her doctor called her "Miss Fertility") and her younger sister could not have kids - several failed IVFs - and she finally adopted her two boys. 

    It was REALLY hard for my aunt - she became clinically depressed - and I think my mom carried some guilt over that, as she was surrounded by her young brood, but at the same time my aunt does not project onto my mother - it's not my mom's fault, it's not her fault, its just how the cards were dealt, which sucks.  I think what did make it easier though was that my mom had all four of us before my aunt started trying, so there wasn't the situation of having to tell her that she was pregnant again.

    Good luck - the most important thing I think is for you to be sensitive and to kind of let her call the shots for a while in terms of how much she wants to talk about it, etc.


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  • One of my good friends is dealing with IF and when we told her we were pregnant, I had my DH tell hers (our husbands grew up together and we met through them).  Her DH was able to know the right time to tell her and she wasn't pressured to put on a happy face right away.  She later said she really appreciated it.  So, I'd tell your brother and let him tell her.

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    DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
  • that has got to be a tough situation. i admire you for your sensitivity to her feelings


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  • I'm really afraid to tell a coworker who's TTC, and not doing well.  She's about 10 years older than I am, and really wants to get pregnant.  I know she'll put on a fake smile for me, but I feel really bad about telling her. 
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