Infertility

Advice needed : 7 Failed IUI's and our "issues" are starting to hurt our marriage.... help

Hi Ladies,

Looking for some advice... or even some positive thoughts would help. I am at such a loss right now and I fear of falling into a depression...Since July 2010 until this past month we have done 7 IUI's, (5 w/ Clomid and 2 w/Follistim) resulting in no successfull pregancy.

We do have an apt next week to meet with the Dr to "review our options" but the Dr is hesitant on doing IVF as I cannot risk having multiples due to a unicornuate uterus.

On top of all this, after these last two failed rounds, and even prior - things at home just havent been the same.  I find myself pulling away from DH, not interested, not attracted anymore, not wanting to be intimate, I have even talked divorce.  Now I know some of this stems from our frustrations, but I fear some may not.  Has this "process of TTC" affected your marriage and how do you handle it ? Being 36, I also feel the pressure of age as well.   Thank you all for your advice in advance !

Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers

Re: Advice needed : 7 Failed IUI's and our "issues" are starting to hurt our marriage.... help

  • I am 38 and have been ttc for 3.5 years and I will say that it takes a toll on marriage sometimes.  I think though that you have to take a long hard look at your marriage and say Ok is it the stress of ttc and not getting pregnant or are their other issues?  As far as intimacy, yes it gets old especially when you are constantly counting during your cycle, counting the days until you ovulate and then knowing that you have to have sex with your dh even when you aren't exactly in the mood but you don't want to have a missed opportunity.  I had to ask myself those questions and I realized that it was just the pressure of ttc , the fact that I felt like I was letting my dh down.  I knew that I love him and I know that I didn't want our marriage to break up over this.  We had a long talk, and even though it still gets rough we know that we will get thru this together b/c that's what we made the decision to do. 
    TTC for 3.5 Years Abdominal Myomectomy 1/2009 7 IUI/w Follistim All BFN IVF scheduled for 10/2011 Not giving up on my dream of being a Mom
  • We agreed early on that we loved each other as individuals and second, we loved being a couple. Third we hope to be a family - but this wasn't always on the agenda for us. We made a pact never to lose that during this process and be sure to enjoy one another in the same ways before TTC. Sometimes it is hard - yes, very hard.

    Of course, it is impossible to know how to guide someone else, but I would say to keep the communication open and decide how you want to proceed as a couple. It is best to be honest with your feelings.

    ttc since 2/2010 ~
    me (36): Hypothyroid (on Levothroid), low vit. d, borderline/high fsh (day 3: between 7-10) (day 10: 13 during CCCT), AFC: 14
    dh (31): awesome (minus one sample with agglutination)
    Diagnosis:possible DOR and/or unexplained + elevated NK cells + MTHFR (C677T - one copy)

    MAY 2011 - FEB 2012 - 3 injectable IUI's with numerous cancellations due to high TSH levels
    MAY 2012 - onto IVF/ICSI (Antagonist Protocol) on BCP and Folgard (3 week delay - cyst - boooo) 5/21 start stims 5/30 ER 11R 8M 3F 6/2 3DT of 3 6/12 Beta #1 83 | 6/14 Beta #2 196 | 6/21 Beta #3 3818 | 6/28 Beta #4 22,213 | 7/2 1st U/S - 2 on board! 8/24 CVS reveals that we have a boy AND a girl on board!

    Healthy baby boy and girl born in February, 2013 at 38 weeks and 2 days!


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  • I won't say it's been a walk in the park. Our marriage bends and sways a bit with testing and treatment taking it's toll. We've been trying since January 2009 but we've only had 3 treatment cycles.

    I'm 31 so the pressure isn't quite as heavy. We've decided to do treatment or testing for 8 months of the year, and rest for 4 months. The 4 month breaks give us time to reconnect as a couple without the constant intrusions of infertility. I can have a period without crying. I'm not hopped up on hormones that screw with my emotions. It short circuits the never ending loop of treat, test, prep for treat, treat, test. We take a vacation. We enjoy the holidays. We have sex for the sheer pleasure of having sex- because for us it will never result in a child so there's no pressure anymore... and because I'm not having my sex drive jerked around by the estrogen/progesterone or periods of pelvic rest- we can have sex spontaneously.

    During treatment though- it's harder. It just is. I'm more fragile emotionally. I'm tired all the time physically. I either don't want sex or I want it and can't have it because I'm on pelvic rest and that makes me crabby. I'm always a high maintenance wife- but during treatment I am just more difficult. We must take breaks or our marriage suffers.

    Re: Multiples and IVF. I'd ask your doc about a single embryo transfer (SET). It reduces the chance of multiples significantly. The only chance is of identical twinning and the only IVF procedure that increses the chance of ID is ICSI (and that by less than 5%). If you're doing IUI- you probably won't need ICSI. A SET has less chance of multiples than an IUI with 2 mature follicles.

    image
    Friends for 15 years. Married 8. TTC since January 2009
    2010 Diagnosis: Anovulation and Severe MFI
    2011 Treatment:
    IVF w/ICSI #1 Antagonist: 2 blasts - c/p - BFN 04.22
    FET #1: 1 blast/1 early blast - BFP 06.22 - m/c 06.30 @6w0d
    07-11 RPL: MTHFR C677T Heterozygous & Slightly elevated ACLA IgM
    FET #2: 1 morula - BFN: 9.02

    January '12: IVF #2
    Started BCP and Metformin (New!) 12-14 for stimming in January

    Dum spiro, spero.
    ?SAIF/PAIF/PgAL/PAL always welcome?
  • I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles.  IF is so difficult on marriages.  We've been trying since February 2009 and are currently doing our first IVF after 4 failed IUIs, and it has definitely taken a toll on us.  I have found that I need to take breaks, and to completely step away from all IF related stuff when I am not actually doing the treatments (the bump, other message boards, internet research, etc) because we need a break to just be together and not focus on it.  For us, it has really helped relieve some of the pressure, and to be able to talk about what is happening and what we will do if treatments fail in a less emotionally charged way.  It's made us happier and better able to deal with the things that come along.

    Medically, I also have a UU (along with some other issues) and am currently going through IVF.  My RE does a lot of elective single embryo transfers, and strongly recommended that is what we do.  I do not want to risk multiples (we carefully monitored that during the IUIs, but it turned out not to matter since they didn't work), and we decided that the SET approach is what we will do.   

    TTC since 2/09
    Dx: DOR, Right UU, fibroid (removed)
    IUI #1-4: bfn; IVF #1 September 2011=bffn
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  • I am so sorry for everything you've been through. I would actually think that you are a very good candidate for single embryo transfer with IVF - in truth, the risk of multiples with a single embryo transfer should be much lower than your current risk of multiples during an injectable IUI cycle. Good luck!
    IUIs #1-3 (1x unmedicated, 2x Clomid) = 2 BFNs, 1 m/c at 7w3d
    IUIs #4-6 (injects) = 3 BFNs
    IVF #1 = BFN
    FET #1 = BFN
    FET #2 = BFN
    IVF #2 = BFP, b/g twins lost at 20w due to partial abruption/PPROM
    IVF #3 = c/p 5w2d
    Long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle before next IVF = BFP, our beautiful, healthy girl born 6/26/13!
    ~~
    TTC again March 2014
    FET #3 - May/June 2014
    -
    all embryos arrested before xfer - back to the drawing board...
    IVF #4 - July/August 2014 
    beta 1 (11dp3dt) 220
    beta 2 (13dp3dt) 671
    beta 3 (19dp3dt) 10762
    ultrasound 6w1d - 2 heartbeats(!) and a SCH
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  • I don't think you are alone.  After almost 4 years of TTC and being 37, DH and I tend to have a roller coaster relationship recently.  There are times when I wonder if we aren't even supposed to be together and that's why we aren't getting pregnant.

    Try to make plans to go out on a date to reconnect and not talk or think about IF.

    I think IF is so much harder on us women than men, and honestly, I believe that is what causes marital problems.  

    Hang in there.  

    Ellen & Chris 5/6/06
    -------------------------
    TTC Since 10/2007 with no luck and a 'go with the flow' attitude
    1/1010 FINALLY decided to have testing done, dx MFI
    7/2010 - DH starts Clomid to increase testosterone and hopefully sperm count
    10/2010 - Still low (but improved) sperm count.
    11/30/10 - IUI #1 and only = BFN
    February 2011 - IVF #1 w/ ICSI =
    Chemical PG (Beta 1: 10, Beta 2: 19, Beta 3: 17) :-(
    April 2011 - IVF #2 w/ ICSI = BFN :-(
    September 2011 - IVF #3 w/ ICSI = BFFN
    November 2011 - AMH level tested - .83 (normal for age range)
    February 2012 - IVF #4 w/ ICSI = (best response ever yet still) BFFN
    April 2012 - DNA testing - NORMAL, RE suggests cycling again with own eggs or using DE
    On Break indefinitely...not sure we can afford the emotional and financial roller coaster anymore.
    *PAIFW/SAIFW*
  • As far as the IVF goes, I agree with PPs that SET would be the thing to do, and as they also mentioned should get you less risk of multiples.

    As far as your relationship goes, I think a 'break' is in order.  Take some time to step away from IF issues and focus on reconnecting with your H.  Then, once you're in a better place (which you hopefully will be) you guys can explore your next steps.  Good luck to you.

    image

    TTC since September 2009.

    IVF #2: +HPT 2/6/12! ~ Boy/Girl Twins!!


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  • First off {{HUGS}} Sounds like you need a much deserved night away with DH. Go somewhere that it's just the two of you that you both are intrested in. In example hiking or anything. Maybe a night away in a hotel and go see a play or something. We all get so wrapped up in our TTTC we forget to date our DH.
    SAIF/PAIF Welcome

    We have been TTTC since July 2008:

    Irregular cycles, high prolactin, dilated right tube, cysts, male IF

    IUI # 1 ~ 12/09/10 ~ 50 mg Clomid, 250 mg Ovidrel = BFN

    IUI #2 ~ 01/09/11, #3~ 02/11/11 & # 4.2~ 04/19/11~ 20 mg Tamoxifen, 250 mg Ovidrel = BFN

    IUI # 5 ~ 09/28/11, # 6 ~ 11/23/11, & # 7~ 12/17/12~ 112.5 iu Gonal F, 250 mg Ovidrel = BFN

    12/14/11 ~ IVF consult
    IVF #1 ~ 02/15/12 BCP, 02/29/12 10 units Lupron, 3/9/12 Baseline,
    03/09/12 stimms 250 iu Gonal F, 5 units Lupron ~ 03/20/12 ER = 5 eggs ~ 03/23/12 ET = One-4BF transfered~ Beta # 1 04/04/12 = 134 ~ Beta # 2 04/06/12 = 283 ~ Beta # 3 04/09/12 = 906

    Due date 12/08/12 :-)
    Born 12/15/12 :)


    image



  • Chelle

    first off you are still really young. Not old at all.  We went thru 12 failed IUI' s  and clomid and timing OV and poor Dh said he was my sex robot. I just wanted him for his sperm and sex was no longer intimate but mechanical and timed and ugh yes robotic. We were fighting and upset and I cried a lot. Then we took a lil break and found Dr. Lori Arnold in Chula  Vista, CA worth the trip and the $$ and did IVF and she will not make you an octomom she made sure we had a success.

    I am due in Jan. So it happens and I am 13 years older than you. 1 lil one.

     

    still take a short break, a sexy weekend of just you and Dh and no calendars and  remember what makes you both nutty about each other and then see what's next. But try Dr. Arnold, She is by far the very best in her field and she can help you get just 1 

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  • image ellenchris0506:

    Try to make plans to go out on a date to reconnect and not talk or think about IF.

    I think IF is so much harder on us women than men, and honestly, I believe that is what causes marital problems.  

    I completely agree with that one of the main reasons IF causes strains on marriage is that IF affects women differently than men.  And I agree that when problems start happening, it's best to give IF a break for a while.  Even if it's just for a night.

    You're definitely not alone.  It's not easy.  But I do think that IF, in its sick, twisted way, can actually help strengthen a marriage if you lean on each other.   

    TTC since November 2009
    Mild MFI, irregular cycles, HSG only showed left tube open
    IUIs #1-3: Femara -- BFN
    IUI #4: Follistim + HCG boosters -- BFN
    Sept./Oct. 2011 IVF#1: Long Lupron, 3dt of 2 -- BFN + 1 frostie
    Surprise BFP 11.21.2011: missed m/c at 9w2d, D&C 12.27.2011
    The Blog
  • i have been there. Our marriage started getting rocky when we had "the perfect storm" of factors, anniversary of our loss, a diagnosis from our RE that IVF was our only hope, and a series of pregnancy announcements that made me feel so alone. I hated having sex with him, because every time all I could think about was if I could have a miracle. My DH thought I was crazy, we were on completely different pages and I felt nothing but lonliness and depression. 

    We are still struggling, I still bottle too much up and often still feel that this is "my" problem rather then "our" problem. But we are trying. We have thought about counseling and may well get there.

    Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to let you know it is not just you, IF is difficult.  

    TTC since July 2009 ^Rosemary^ May 7, 2010 Holding my rainbow, Beatrix, since August 21, 2012
  • image ellenchris0506:

    I don't think you are alone.  After almost 4 years of TTC and being 37, DH and I tend to have a roller coaster relationship recently.  There are times when I wonder if we aren't even supposed to be together and that's why we aren't getting pregnant.

    Try to make plans to go out on a date to reconnect and not talk or think about IF.

    I think IF is so much harder on us women than men, and honestly, I believe that is what causes marital problems.  

    Hang in there.  

     I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one who has had that thought before. 

    TTC for 3.5 Years Abdominal Myomectomy 1/2009 7 IUI/w Follistim All BFN IVF scheduled for 10/2011 Not giving up on my dream of being a Mom
  • I can't THANK YOU ALL for such great thoughts, advice, suggestions. Its refreshing to know that I am not alone in this process and what DH and I are going through is the "norm" during this difficult process. I am tired of me planning all our weekends away, I have decided I am going to ask him to plan something very simple.

    We have decided to take two months off to just reevaluate and try to reconnect. Thanks again, it helps believe me !!  (HUGS) !!

    Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers
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