3rd Trimester

feeling the love? kind of long.

What little things does your husband do to show that he cares? I want to know what he did before pregnancy and what he does now. 

I feel like I'm not getting the love I used to get from my H. I don't know if we have just settled in to our old routines after being apart for 7 months (he's in the military) or if this is just who he really is. I saw him 3 times, a total of a week and a half spread out over 7 months and every time I went to visit him, things were different. You know, lovey dovey sort of stuff. (we've been back together for almost a year) When I was pregnant with our first child he always rubbed my back and made sure I had whatever I craved, etc. 

I feel like the only times H shows me affection is when he wants to have sex and even then it's not the romantic stuff, it's basically just "okay, I wanna bang. BAM." lol.  I mean, I get a peck on the forehead when he comes home from work and SOMETIMES I get a peck on the lips. I just wish he was more affectionate towards me.. I feel like I get taken for granted a lot of the time. Like, hello, I'm 32 weeks pregnant.. things hurt. Scrubbing my house every Saturday hurts me..my back hurts, my feet hurt, my tummy gets all crampy.. I don't even care if he helps me but a good rub/back rub would be nice..

Friday, I spent the majority of the day cleaning, I mopped the kitchen, cleaned the bathrooms,  washed the shower curtains in the main bath, put them back up..okay this doesn't sound like a lot but on top of all of my daily chores, it was.. lol. By the end of the day and after cooking supper, I was hurting. I laid in bed and realized that I forgot to take my iron/prenatals so I sent H a text who was playing video games with his friend in the living room and asked him if he'd bring them to me. He response was, "no." 

I just don't get it. I do everything for this man. I try to show him affection and I get shot down.. I know he cares but why doesn't he show it? Being so far away from friends and family it'd be nice to know that I have someone who loves me right here next to me..  I don't need to responses about talking to him about it because I have.. It's in one ear and out the other. I don't even bother anymore. 

 

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Re: feeling the love? kind of long.

  • Actually, after reading back over this myself, I've realized that this must just be who he is.. OR being the romantic type is not who he is. We've been married for 4 years. He was amazing when I was pregnant with our first, then we got married, and that first year of marriage sucked because nothing was ever good enough. I left him for a few weeks, we got back together, things were better (not as much arguing and never over stupid things.. we also went to counseling back then), and year 3 he was gone most of the time so when I did see him things were great. When we first got to this duty station, things were going good (like I said, we were apart for almost a year prior) and now they are back to how they were at year 2, maybe worse becaus I get ignored a lot more.. or maybe I just didn't realize it before because I was working and not a SAHM.

    What would you do in a situation like this? Should I just shut up and deal? Or should I try talking to him knowing that it isn't going to change things? 

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  • Maybe counsling again.  I kinda feel ya we are in a season too where my DH is in school and he leaves before the sun comes up and gets home late and maybe gets half hour to an hour with DD and then its her bed time and then he has to do homework and i'm exhausted from the day too.  We always make a point to kiss when he gets home and we both leave little notes for each other that i feel are important and thats what helps us get through this new phase.  Things are different right now but i know its a season we are in too and just have hope it will change once we get through this part.
  • No way should you shut up and deal with it.

    Do you think it's the military that has changed him? Has he seen/done things that have made him...different? Can you talk to him about that?

    Tell him you feel the change and you miss him. You miss his love and his affection.

    My husband was always great, but he's been even better now, so I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear about it.

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  • image h0NeYbEe12:

    What would you do in a situation like this? Should I just shut up and deal? Or should I try talking to him knowing that it isn't going to change things

    I know your frustrated and feeling unloved, but I don't think this is the right mindset to have.  You sound like you've made up your mind already.  Have you tried to talk with him about how you're feeling?  He might be feeling the same way.  Be open with what you need, don't just deal.  It seems like you guys had a lot of love for each other, you just need to find that again.

    Oh and go you for still cleaning that much!  I'm hoping I go into nesting mode soon, I'm lucky to get one room clean on my days off. 

    From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere!

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  • I feel for you.  In the beginning of pregnancy he wouldn't let me get anything for myself.  I got every foot and back rub I ever asked for and he was super affectionate.  Now, though, he's asking ME to do all that stuff for him!  I only get 3 pecks when I leave in the morning for work and only if I force it on him at night.  If I go for any more he says no thats all you get, and walks away.  I know counseling helped us a lot the first time.  Sometimes men just need some outside validation that your complaints are REAL and they are VALID and that how he is acting is hurting the most important people in his life. 
  • How long were you together before you were pregnant with your first?  What was he like during that time.  I'm not saying that you don't deserve the absolute best or that it's right, but it seems as though this might just be his personality.
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  • image Liz4444:
    How long were you together before you were pregnant with your first?  What was he like during that time.  I'm not saying that you don't deserve the absolute best or that it's right, but it seems as though this might just be his personality.

    We were together for a year before I got pregnant and he was amazing that whole year also. I just feel like I love this man so much and after everything we've been through I know that we are meant to be together, I just want him to feel as strongly as I feel for him. He has sacrificed a lot for our family and he has done a lot to make our lives better and there were times he could have walked away and didn't.

    It's just kind of hard because I know what we could be and I see that we aren't.  

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  • image h0NeYbEe12:

    image Liz4444:
    How long were you together before you were pregnant with your first?  What was he like during that time.  I'm not saying that you don't deserve the absolute best or that it's right, but it seems as though this might just be his personality.

    We were together for a year before I got pregnant and he was amazing that whole year also. I just feel like I love this man so much and after everything we've been through I know that we are meant to be together, I just want him to feel as strongly as I feel for him. He has sacrificed a lot for our family and he has done a lot to make our lives better and there were times he could have walked away and didn't.

    It's just kind of hard because I know what we could be and I see that we aren't.  

     

    I understand, my DH has turned into a complete prick. No other word for him. But I love him more than any one understands. He to has sacraficed sssoooo much for our family, he could have walked away at any point and been so much better off, our current 3 LO's are not his biologically, but he stays. We don't argue or fight, he just doesn't help or support me at all. I get his clothes together for him in the mornings, make his breakfast and luch, he simply gets up dresses, brushes his teath and grabs his cooler before heading out the door. When he comes home he sits his butt down after a shower and spends the rest of the night on the "game" playing with his frinds. I have three children all of which have special needs and I am extremely high risk. I have been put on bed rest and have to make multiple trips to the doc and hospital some times for days or weeks at a time. Baby boy is healthy but my heart is struggling to support us both. His latest response to anything is what so now I'm supposed to work all day out side in the Florida heat then come home and do every thing here.... I vented a few days back on the post board and got some pretty harsh responses on his part and tried to defend him, but there is no defense sweety. I can't tell you how amazing he was when we first got together, how attentive he was to my heart condition, my babies were his first priority, especially if they needed something medically. And in his defense (although I said there aren't any) he still does put their medical issues first, no matter what is going on. I know if I were to ask him to buy me something he would find a way to do it, but I don't want things, I want support and love and understanding as to what the dangers are for me and our baby rite now, but he refuses to face them. He is simple, selfish, selfcentered,  inconsiderate and like I said a prick. This is who he is.... not the man I married, but this new person I have met. We lost his first, a son a year ago this month, and that is when he totally changed. The question is can you and I handle this person and continue to love him despite his current and possibly perminant behavior.

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  • Just wanted to add you aren't alone.  My dh is military too, so I don't know if this is just something that comes with getting used to being apart over time (although we have some friends who are super affectionate), but yeah, my dh isn't romantic, doesn't go out of his way to help me out, and often doesn't show that he appreciates all I do.  In fact, tonight, after I spent all day cleaning because we have guests coming this weekend, he asked me if I'd give ds his bath and put him to bed (he does this every night when he's home) so that he could get a head start on cutting the grass.  I said no.

    I think it all comes down to whether the stuff really bothers you or not.  Personally, for the most part, I'm happy with the way our household runs, and if I'm not, I let him know.  But if this bothering you, then yes, definitely talk to him!

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  • Sometimes people take for granted the things people do for them regularly. My husbandworks fulltime and comes home helps around the house. Gives me a back rub or tubesmy feet or whatever the I need. He doesn't jus do these things when im pregohe knows I expect him to put into our marriage what I put in. It took a while for him to getthat but I stopped doing things for him and he asked me why and I told him whatI wanted from him.
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