3rd Trimester

Vent about hubby! HELP!!

I am 33 weeks and have been extremely emotional lately. I know everyone says its hormones but I feel like my husband contributes to a lot of it. He never wants to do anything with me and this past week I have been so upset about it my blood pressure went up and I am scared getting this upset will hurt the baby. He is in the military and was gone for all of month 6 now he is back but may be sent away again before she is born and we don't even know if he will be here for the birth and all I want is a little support. He said he can't do a lot of things with me because I am pregnant. To make matters worse when we do go out he gets so drunk it annoys me because I feel like he is abusing the fact that I am pregnant. I didn't sign up to be a 9 month DD. He is off again today playing golf with his buddies which is the 6th time in the past 2 weeks! He counts doctors appointments and shopping for things we need as spending time with me. He also wants to go to his friends house tonight for a fight thats on TV and said you can hang out with the other guys wife and *** about us! As if thats all women have to live for is talk about them. To make matters worse I caught him last week trying to masterbate in his closet! He said he does that because he read it makes him last longer.... but for who because he isn't having sex with me! I found the Ipod I bought him and checked the history and saw about 20 different porn sites and videos and one site called ashleymadison.com which is for having affairs! He told me he had to open the windows to close it which makes no sense because besides him who would open those sites and then he said most were pop ups.... does he really think I am that stupid!!?? Now it makes me worry that he is cheating on me and I feel like I have no where to go because he just moved us to the middle of nowhere in Alabama 20 hours away from my family and friends so he can pursue his career while making me leave mine behind! I feel unloved, unattractive, and replaceable and I don't want to feel this way with my first child. This was suppossed to be a happy time in my life.
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Re: Vent about hubby! HELP!!

  • I'm sorry you're having issues with your DH - especially at this time in your life, and your pregnancy. It really sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about what's been going on - away from distractions and things.
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  • image Trishes:
    I'm sorry you're having issues with your DH - especially at this time in your life, and your pregnancy. It really sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about what's been going on - away from distractions and things.

     

    This! Communication is key, I'd have a serious talk about what his priorities are.

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  • image Trishes:
    I'm sorry you're having issues with your DH - especially at this time in your life, and your pregnancy. It really sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about what's been going on - away from distractions and things.

     

    I agree.  I'm sorry that you are going through this. 

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  • I'm sorry you are going through this, you definately need to let him know how you feel. If you want to spend time with him maybe try comprimising and doing something for you both?

    I know the UFC fight is tonight, and definately not my cup of tea either but my DH loves them. So we are doing baby shopping and stuff I want to do in the afternoon and then meeting his brother and brothers GF at Buffalo Wild Wings for supper (not a restaurant I like but the guys love it and it plays the fight) so that he can see the fight but he's not out at some bar watching it while I'm stuck at home...we do this ALOT with the UFC fights and its a great way for me to get a saturday with him

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  • I think there's bigger issues here than him spending time with her tonight. Between getting drunk all the time, masturbating secretly but not paying any attention to her, the porn sites and ashleymadison site...huge red flags. I would recommend having a Come to Jesus talk with him...either he shapes up or you ship out. You don't need a guy like that dragging you down. Would your family/friends in your hometown be a good support system for you? Would you be able to make it financially until child support is worked out? I really hope that he will take you seriously once you give him a wake-up call.
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  • Sorry you're dealing with this crap right now. Was he like this prior to you becoming pregnant? I'm not trying to discourage you, but instantly after reading this, I thought he was a little shady. You don't deserve it and neither does your future child. He should understand what you're going through and cater to YOU. If he's having issues sexually, then he should come forth and talk to you. Sorry hun!
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  • This is a really sucky situation. You shouldn't have to compromise just to hang out with him. He should be compromising to hang out with you! A lot of what is going on with you and your H would NOT fly in my household. You need to stop being so passive about these things. I know with you in the military and him in the military it's not that easy to just leave because you're both stationed in the same place. I don't know if you would want to do it or not but depending on how mad/bad things get I'd talk to his superiors, maybe they can talk some sense into him. Or try counseling. I know it also sucks being so far away from what you know! My husband is in the Air Force and we're 2000 miles away from our families so it's not like you can just get in your car and drive.. I hope that ya'll are able to work things out for your family.

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  • ashleymadison.com? Wow.... I'd say this trumps all other annoyances. If he's not already cheating on you, he's thinking about it. Period.

    Counseling, immediately - good luck to you. 

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  • image amandalup:
    I feel unloved, unattractive, and replaceable and I don't want to feel this way with my first child. This was suppossed to be a happy time in my life.

    You are beautiful and NO man, especially DH should make you feel this way.  Your pregnancy is an important time and DH should be nothing but respectful and catering to YOU.  As far as the porn and lack of quality time, I would definitely have a conversation with hubby.  Let him know the things that have been bothering you.  Good luck and I hope everything works out.

    So excited to be a mommy!

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  • image SharonWantsABaby:

    ashleymadison.com? Wow.... I'd say this trumps all other annoyances. If he's not already cheating on you, he's thinking about it. Period.

    Counseling, immediately - good luck to you. 

    I hate to have to agree with this, but I do.  You need to go to couples counseling.

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  • I tried talking to him when he came home and he blew up at me. Saying this was my fault. Then said he had to leave to work on his fantasy draft. 
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  • Well You definately are NOT unattractive...YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AND EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL FOR CARRYING A BABY!!!

    You dont deserve to feel unimportant right now. You have to be strong and think of yourself and your baby. I would talk to him RATIONALLY AND CALMLY and tell him how you feel.

    Whatever happens you WILL be ok either way.. If things god forbid dont work out with you and him....You still will be ok. Smile

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  • image amandalup:
    I tried talking to him when he came home and he blew up at me. Saying this was my fault. Then said he had to leave to work on his fantasy draft. 

    I think you have some major decision making to do based on this. 

    Staying with a man like this is not the best thing for you OR your child. 

    Unless he's willing to go to counseling and work HARD at your marriage and changing his priorities, etc, I'd say you need to walk. 

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  • image SharonWantsABaby:

    image amandalup:
    I tried talking to him when he came home and he blew up at me. Saying this was my fault. Then said he had to leave to work on his fantasy draft. 

    I think you have some major decision making to do based on this. 

    Staying with a man like this is not the best thing for you OR your child. 

    Unless he's willing to go to counseling and work HARD at your marriage and changing his priorities, etc, I'd say you need to walk. 

    If my husband pulled this with me, I would ask him were I should send the requests for child support.  He seems to not take you seriously.  That is not only insulting but not good for you or your child.  

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  • Well sweety it sounds like you really have your hands full. I have to say I am not a trusting person, and if I were feeling that many red flags, I would follow my gut. But at the same time pregnancy may not be the best time to make rash decisions or assumptions. I can say that after baby is born we are some times even more voulnerable emotionally, so get to high ground! Call up family, screw the distance, if it is at all possible to stay with your family to get the support you need DO IT. Even it things pan out to be fine in the long run, you need to be supported, and feel loved rite now and surrounded by people that care how you feel and why you feel that way. Men are men and may not have bad intentions, but they sure can be blind and more of a hinderance than a help sometimes. My hubby won't even attempt to be intimate with me either, he is so weirded out about the baby "being there" no matter how much information I have given him or even anatomy books I have shown him, he just can't get past it. At first I felt very much like he just wasn't attracted to me anymore, then after one particularly special fight over it he told me why, I finally realized he just has issues! Doesn't make it any easier on the emotional stand point, but hey. Talk to your family, go stay with them if you can, for now and maybe even a couple of weeks after baby is born, you deserve to feel your best and no matter what a man does or doesn't do, make sure this is a great time in your life, it passes quickly and baby doesn't wait around either, enjoy all you can, piss on him.
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  • This makes me so angry for you honey.  I went through something similar with my first husband.  He was so disgusted by me during the pregnancy he wouldn't even speak to me and would disappear for 4 or 5 hours during the week and the entire weekend on sporadic fishing trips.  Turned out for me that he was having an affair.  My biggest regret about that time is that I felt so vulnerable and ugly because I was pregnant that I didn't walk away.  Once I found out about the affair I tried to set things right and he ended up eventually ending the affair but 5 years later I left him.  The emotional damage he did was awful and I was never able to get over it.  I don't know that your man is doing anything yet but it seems like he's thinking about it for sure.  My DH now is a completely different man and has been wonderful this pregnancy and I feel now like I should've always been made to feel while pregnant.  You need people to be there for you and he is being horribly selfish and isn't considering you or your feelings/needs one single bit.  Makes me sick and wish I could be more of a friend to you than a little post on your message board.  Agree with PP that you need to find a support system - whether it's some local friends or military wives, or you need to have some family.  I wish I hadn't been so embarrassed with my situation and given my friends and family the opportunity to help me.  I'm praying for you seriously.  I remember that feeling, and it's awful.
  • I agree with this.  I was active duty and now my DH is, and we have moved away from my family and friends for his job so I know how hard this can be anyway.  It's hard to rely on them to help you make friends, and to find a balance between his work and friends and spending time with you.  I had a talk with my husband about being more sensitive to the fact that he's all I have out here and he's definitely made some major improvements.  Sounds like you need to scare him a bit and let him know you're serious about him being a better husband and future father for this child.  He's not going to be able to go out with all his buddies all the time and leave you to sit around the house raising his child.  Not fair to you at all.  I know you're probably scared to leave because you're relying on him for insurance and don't want to be that far away from your OB/hospital, but maybe an ultimatum and a little trip back home would let him know you're serious.  If he doesn't figure it out by the time your LO is here, I'd make a permanant trip back home. 
  • I just thought about something else, TALK TO HIS CHAIN OF COMMAND.  Tell his supervisor, and go see a counselor there on base and let them know what is going on.  Get him in trouble at work and I promise you there will be changes.  At least the Air Force works that way!   Ugh, I'm so aggrivated for you!  I really hope this works out for you soon. 
  • image amhens2:
    I just thought about something else, TALK TO HIS CHAIN OF COMMAND.  Tell his supervisor, and go see a counselor there on base and let them know what is going on.  Get him in trouble at work and I promise you there will be changes.  At least the Air Force works that way!   Ugh, I'm so aggrivated for you!  I really hope this works out for you soon. 

    I'm not familiar with the military at all, but just knowing men, this doesn't seem like a good idea.  I really think that this would make him resent her more than it seems like he already does.

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  • Was he like this prior to pregnancy?

    This is a tough situation, and I'm usually all for "working it out", but I think staying with family is a good idea.

    If he's always been like this, then you being away from him while with family might give you the courage/reassurance you need to know that you can make it without him, if need be.

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