September 2011 Moms

Opening a Large Can of Worms re: Aleksmar (so consider yourselves warned)

Okay, taking a crack at this ... and first off, a couple things:

1) I am in no way saying that FFFC is/ or should be entirely flamefree.  If I have a confession, I always go in with a flame retardant suit on ... cause that is the name of the game!

2) I am not defending Aleksmar, just offering a different perspective that I feel has been lost ... and may be where she is coming from. 

While we are all quick to jump on the "how dare you wish your baby out early bandwagon" (and somewhat rightfully so), and quick to address the preemie moms who are hurt by those who say these things (again, 100% rightfully so ... I too was the mom watching her tiny baby fight - and lose the fight - for breath because she was born early), the one group who is being forgotten in this is the woman who has experience late term stillbirth.

Women who have had unexpected fetal death in the late weeks of pregnancy are terrified when they reach those weeks again.  They feel their body "failed" the first time ... and often just want their babes out early.  Not because they aren't aware of the risks ... but because they feel like at least doctors can watch, monitor, and react better to the babe outside the womb.  Having a babe die in utero late term can completely shake your confidence that your body is the safest place for babe until full term is reached.

Anyhow, I am not sure what my point is in all this ... probably should have just remained quiet.  But I am cranky today and felt like it should at least be said. 

Again, not trying to say I don't get just as ticked when women "wish" babies out early because they are uncomfortable or when they say insensitive things that hurt others (in this case the preemie moms).  I do ... I get downright upset.

But, just a different perspective ...

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Avery & Sophie born still November 12, 2007

Re: Opening a Large Can of Worms re: Aleksmar (so consider yourselves warned)

  • Nothing to add really... just a High - 5 for a different perspective!
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  • image bradandjackie:
    Nothing to add really... just a High - 5 for a different perspective!
    Totally agree... Thanks for posting this. While I have never (and pray to God never will) experience a late term loss, I've known women who have.. Had a stillbirth in the last weeks and a 42 week perfectly healthy baby die from meconium poisoning during labor. I have a very real fear of both..it's terrifying. Thank you for clarifying this.
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  • I agree with you. I'm sure it is not her intent to bring harm to her child and I can understand the stress of not knowing... what ifs can drive you crazy and thinking that if only she was out here and i can see that she is ok. I think "judging" someone based on these feelings is just hurtfull. Can we all really not relate to the stress of feeling helpless and not being able to help our babies?

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  • image bradandjackie:
    Nothing to add really... just a High - 5 for a different perspective!

    I will agree. Last weekend I went into the hospital to be monitored for PTL, and all I could think was I hope this baby cooks a bit longer. Now today I've been freaking out because aside from a short time this afternoon, he's hardly moved, and just wish I could see in utero and know he's truly ok. 

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  • "Hisaak", thank you. you DO see where I'm coming from.
    It isn't my intention to upset the preemie moms(God knows they are going through hell and need all the love and support they can get) but believe me, getting to THIS week in my pregnancy, I really feel she'd be safer outside being monitored than inside me.

    But please, drop it. It's not worth it. You're opening yourself to being flamed. People can't understand unless they had to bury their LO...and that's something no parent should ever have to do.
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  • I agree. I think that applies to women who had earlier losses also. At least it applies to me. I feel like so much can go wrong while she's inside that can go undetected until it's too late. I know just as many things can go wrong while on the outside, but at least the doctors can watch her closely. It doesn't make complete sense, but I have probably been irrationally worried this whole pg. It almost is worse the closer we get.
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  • I just have to say I appreciate the different perspective and I think there were a lot of overreactions.  I find it hard to believe that most pregnant moms haven't had similar thoughts toward the end. The important thing is that Aleksmar said she didn't really want the baby to come early she just found herself having those thoughts.  The fact is that we are tired of being pregnant, but we still have the best interests of our LO's in mind. 

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  • Listen there are things that can go wrong at any stage of the pg. A lot of it, most of it is completely out of our control. That said, I'm sure the chances of complications and major health issues that come with preemies and babies born too soon, are far higher than the late term losses that result in the last couple of weeks.

    It is still selfish to wish for your baby to come out before its ready when it can be facing significant health issues. When we signed up for pg, we signed up for 40 weeks or until our baby was ready to come out.

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  • image lyse2143:

    Listen there are things that can go wrong at any stage of the pg. A lot of it, most of it is completely out of our control. That said, I'm sure the chances of complications and major health issues that come with preemies and babies born too soon, are far higher than the late term losses that result in the last couple of weeks.

    It is still selfish to wish for your baby to come out before its ready when it can be facing significant health issues. When we signed up for pg, we signed up for 40 weeks or until our baby was ready to come out.

    really?? can't just let it go can we... 

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  • image bradandjackie:
    image lyse2143:

    Listen there are things that can go wrong at any stage of the pg. A lot of it, most of it is completely out of our control. That said, I'm sure the chances of complications and major health issues that come with preemies and babies born too soon, are far higher than the late term losses that result in the last couple of weeks.

    It is still selfish to wish for your baby to come out before its ready when it can be facing significant health issues. When we signed up for pg, we signed up for 40 weeks or until our baby was ready to come out.

    really?? can't just let it go can we... 

    I can't let it go?? Are you kidding me?? Do I look like the person who just created a whole other post about it?? Or are you saying since I don't agree with the OP or I'm not thanking her for offering a different perspective, I don't have a right to comment? Sorry but that's not how this board rolls. 

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  • can someone please tell me what this post is referring to? i apparently missed something...
  • image LBD129:
    can someone please tell me what this post is referring to? i apparently missed something...

    Original - 

    http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/57334404.aspx

    Then this one - 

     http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/57343741.aspx

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  • image LBD129:
    can someone please tell me what this post is referring to? i apparently missed something...
    Scroll down!

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    1 Ruptured Ectopic m/c,
    1 Chemical Pregnancy m/c,
    2 rounds of Clomid,
    2 rounds of IUI,
    1 miracle BFP while waiting to start IVF!

    ~High five to my eBFF Chloe!~

  • image hisaak:
    Having a babe die in utero late term can completely shake your confidence that your body is the safest place for babe until full term is reached.

    This.  My own story is very different from Aleksmar's but I can understand what it feels like to not fully trust your own body to keep a baby safe.  I believe she was simply voicing a wish that her LO was "safely" on the outside where she felt she could have more control.  That's very different from making a choice to act on it.

    I'm not sure anyone who hasn't suffered a loss during a prior pregnancy can really understand how much fear the women who have experience on a daily basis.  There's a constant internal process of trying to talk yourself off the panic ledge and I'm starting to think the final few weeks can be some of the worst.

     

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  • image unm00red:

    I'm not sure anyone who hasn't suffered a loss during a prior pregnancy can really understand how much fear the women who have experience on a daily basis.  There's a constant internal process of trying to talk yourself off the panic ledge and I'm starting to think the final few weeks can be some of the worst.

     

    Yes

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    TTC since 10/07
    11 medicated cycles
    including...
    4 IUIs*5 IVFs*1 FET
    2 chemical pregnancies*missed m/c @8w 9/09*missed (twin) m/c @8w 5/10
    Laparoscopic myomectomy 8/10

    Chromosomal translocation of #2 now requires ICSI and PGD

    IVF #4= success!!! G-man born 8/18/11

    IVF #5 2/2013 = N born 10/10/13 at 35w3d

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  • image lyse2143:

    Listen there are things that can go wrong at any stage of the pg. A lot of it, most of it is completely out of our control. That said, I'm sure the chances of complications and major health issues that come with preemies and babies born too soon, are far higher than the late term losses that result in the last couple of weeks.

    It is still selfish to wish for your baby to come out before its ready when it can be facing significant health issues. When we signed up for pg, we signed up for 40 weeks or until our baby was ready to come out.

    Lyse - I totally appreciate what you are saying.  And you are correct in that the chances of things going wrong with preemies is higher than the risk of stillbirth.

    I was simply pointing out that for some women, it goes far beyond the simple "I am tired, cranky, and uncomfy ... get this baby out" selfishness that we often think of.  There is actually a deep rooted, and sometimes well earned fear of those last few weeks of pregnancy. 

    I know it probably came across as trying to prolong the conversation, but it was more just to offer up something that I think is sometimes missed.  I in no way meant to imply that many of these "I want baby out now" posts are not selfish!

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    Avery & Sophie born still November 12, 2007
  • You're absolutely right, Hisaak....I appreciate you putting out your perspective, because I hadn't thought of it that way.

    I judged in haste, and was outright rude in my response. I was in a bad mood at the time, and had no right to take it out on another mom-to-be. I owe Aleksmar an apology.

     

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  • image Mereou12:

    You're absolutely right, Hisaak....I appreciate you putting out your perspective, because I hadn't thought of it that way.

    I judged in haste, and was outright rude in my response. I was in a bad mood at the time, and had no right to take it out on another mom-to-be. I owe Aleksmar an apology.

     

     

    Aw, this totally warms my heart.  

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  • Lyse, I get what you are saying. I really do. My question to you is, have you ever experienced a loss? Have you ever felt that that, whether right or wrong, you are the reason that your baby died? That your body failed your unborn child? I have signed up for 40 weeks six times now, but I certainly don't have five kids, waiting for the sixth. Unless you've experienced what many others have, myself included, you cannot possibly understand the absolute panic I feel at any given moment because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because in the majority of my pregnancies, it always has. I don't want to have my child prematurely, but I absolutely understand where she was coming from.
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  • image Lissa832:
    Lyse, I get what you are saying. I really do. My question to you is, have you ever experienced a loss? Have you ever felt that that, whether right or wrong, you are the reason that your baby died? That your body failed your unborn child? I have signed up for 40 weeks six times now, but I certainly don't have five kids, waiting for the sixth. Unless you've experienced what many others have, myself included, you cannot possibly understand the absolute panic I feel at any given moment because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because in the majority of my pregnancies, it always has. I don't want to have my child prematurely, but I absolutely understand where she was coming from.

    Yes, yes I have. I also battled IF. However this isn't a pissing contest of who has had it worst. It is sharing opinions and I still stand by everything I said. 

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  • Still agreeing with Lyse, no I haven't experienced a loss.  but my DD was born with IUGR.  We are very fortunate that she doesn't have any health problems.  Although I couldn't control the health problems I had that caused her IUGR I still do feel a bit guilty.  I think about if it would have been caught earlier and if I had her earlier if we would have been better off, but no.  She was still better off inside me cooking as long as she could until it was seriously no longer safe for either of us.

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