Baby Showers

MIL issues and shower drama! Reassurance needed!!!

I have a HUGE family. A biological family and tons of friends out west in Utah and Montana and my adoptive family in upstate New York and my hubby's family in Indiana. My Mother's best friend wants to throw me a shower in Utah. I will only be able to go to in October because of work, airfares, etc. I'm not due until early March, but everyone says they don't care and would rather see me and throw me a shower early on, than not have one for me at all. I had to split my registries between Babies'R'Us and Target because of the locations of the stores in the areas where family and friends live.

My MIL says it's selfish to have 2 showers (one in Utah and the one she's throwing me in Indiana,) and that being registered at two stores makes everything too confusing. I'm not repeating anything on the two registries and the larger items (by size not price) I'm trying to keep on the registry that they will use because I'll be driving to and from Indiana and can just pack things up in the car. My family in NY agreed to just ship everything from the websites and Skype me into a family get together to watch me open things.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable or expecting too much, she has nothing to do with my registries and I told her she didn't have to throw me a shower if she didn't want to! She also thinks that you should have a shower as close to the due date as possible. I personally don't want to be 3 days from my due date trying to put toys together or organizing a nursery by myself while my hubby is at work! Someone please tell me I'm not crazy here?!?! 

Re: MIL issues and shower drama! Reassurance needed!!!

  • You're not crazy.  You have a complicated situation spread across the country, but you've thought everything through and you have good reasons for the choices you're making. 

    Lately I've learned that my own MIL has very strong opinions about my shower/pregnancy/baby.  She has been wanting grandkids for a very long time, so she's given everything a lot of thought and she thinks she knows what is best.  We have to remind her sometimes that we're the parents and we need to do what works best for us, while we are trying to be considerate of others. 

    Patiently keep reminding her of what you need to do and that you have good reasons for your decisions.  Maybe your husband can help. 

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  • I am also having 2 showers. My family and DH's family do not get along because of the way they treat me. (Whenever they do not get there way) So I my parents refuse to have them at the shower they are throwing for me, and that's fine by me since my family is 3 hours away from where the majority of his family live, but my MIL insist on throwing me a shower since now she wants to be all friendly since she considers this "her baby" *rolls eyes* I would just tell your MIL you appreciate her help, but it was not your idea to have 2 showers, and its not like your throwing them for yourself. And it seems like the people coming to 1 shower wont be at the other so its not like your double dipping, and if she doesn't like that reasoning I'd repeat that she doesn't have to throw a shower for you that it is her choice. And no I want my shower soon after I find out the sex of my LO I'm sure no one wants to be putting a nursery together at the last minute! 

    And like you said if your husband is at work no one can expect you to put a nursery together. My husband already knows his weekends will be full of painting and getting the nursery together since he has decided he wants us to do a Mario mural if its a boy, and a Alice in wonder land mural if its a girl. 

    I feel like I'm coming very strong off in this post, but I believe that when your pregnant it should be about taking care of you and your LO, and forget everyone else, and a shower a few days or even a month before your due date is not being very polite to you. Because who knows if the baby will decide to come a bit early right? 

  • To the registries, I would just say "I have confidence in my friends and family that they'll figure it out".

    To the 2 shower bit, all you can do is what you've done "You don't have to throw me a shower, MIL. I have no problem with that.". 

    As for the date, if she picks a date too close to the due date, all you can say is "Thanks MIL, but that date doesn't work for me".  If that means no shower, then no shower.

    I wouldn't "explain" anything past these statements. 

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  • I would just let your MIL know that it's actually really common to have 2 showers. Many ladies have 2-3 smaller showers (friends, his side, her side) even when their family/friends aren't spread out. It really depends on who is willing to throw a shower. Also, on timing, you could mention that you don't want to be a million months pregnant and driving around the countryside.
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  • Its common to have multiple showers anymore. I ended up with 4: mine and DH's family, DH's dad's side of the family (MIL hates them so they threw us a separate one), friends, and a surprise work one. 

    It is about the convenience of both you and the people attending. For instance, my mom could only afford to host a shower for x # of people, which meant I was unable to invite many friends. I had several friends who wanted to attend a shower for me, so they threw me one as well.  

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  • I am having 2 showers, co-workers and then one for friends and family. I am not throwing either one of them. Kinda hard to get everybody together. Let your MIL know that what your Family chooses to do for you is their choice.
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  • I think having two showers is kind of common.  I had two bridal showers.  One from my family in my home town.  (Many of my relatives are elderly and cannot travel three hours.)  And one from my husband's side of the family thrown where we live now, his home town.  

     

    I can completely understand not wanting to wait until very close to the due date to travel, smile and pretend to be comfortable, pack up gifs, travel home and then wash, put together and organize all of the stuff.  Since you are not due until early March why don't you suggest having the shower before the holidays (If she asks what time would be good for you.)  You can just say it would be more convenient for the guests to get the shower out of the way before holiday travel. 

     

    As for registries, I had two for the bridal shower.  Bed, Bath and Beyond and Target. Here we have both.  In my home town they have to drive a half hour to get to BBB but they have a Target in town.  I did that so it was convenient for the guests.  I know I would hate to drive a half hour to (one way) to buy a shower gift for someone. 

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  • Where do YOU live?  Does your MIL expect your family and friends from Montana and Utah to drive to Indiana?  That would be ridiculous.  I would say she is old fashioned...but that isn't even it because my sister who is 20 years older than I am had 3 (as did I) family, work, and church.  I had one of my showers very late...maybe 3 weeks before my due date and it wasn't an issue.  I wouldn't want to have one a week before.  If she picks a date that is too close just be busy that day.
  • Your plan is fine.  A lot of people have separate showers for the families, some will even have a third for just friends.  MIL may just be jealous that your mom is also getting the spotlight as a shower hostess (I have some personal experience, there!)

    In this day and age, two registries is NOT confusing.  People love the convenience of shopping online, and if they prefer to shop in-store, well, they just pick the store they'd rather go to.

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  • It would be MORE selfish to expect everyone from one or the other side of the family to fly across the country to attend a shower for you, or to exclude them altogether.

    I agree with PP, just say "Well MIL, it would be rude to decline mom's friend's shower at this point. If you would rather not throw us a shower here, I'll understand." And leave it at that.

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  • Your MIL is being unreasonable. It's definitely normal to have more than one shower, especially when people are in different locations. I know my work will do one and my friends are throwing a small one for close family and friends. the worst would be to have a gigantic one and bore the heck out of people. Multiple registries are fine as well and it sounds like you've been thoughtful and considerate about what you registered for. I think you're right to let her know that she doesn't need to throw you a shower. If she's so against 2nd showers she should just bow out. Good luck!
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  • I think multiple registries are fine.  I had 2 and many of the showers I've attended and hosted the MTB's have had 2 and sometimes 3.  Maybe for your MIL shower you can just tell her you are registered at one place...would that be a possiblity?
  • Not at all crazy.  I have family spread across the continent and the only time I could feasibly visit is early (23 weeks into pregnancy) as we already had free plane tickets to attend my BIL's wedding.  So my MIL is throwing my shower a few days before the wedding so most of the family on DH's side can attend.  It's all about logistics.  My MIL even told me to create an additional registry as her relatives prefer to shop at Target, not the other place I had chosen.  My MIL is over 60 and conservative Mid-Westerner; she's not a modern trend-setter, and she thought this was acceptable.

    Nowadays, most people live spread apart and realize that you can't have the shower a few weeks before baby arrives anymore.  Two registries are very reasonable, more than that (posted/advertised to friends and family) starts to look odd.

    I'm also having a second shower as my side of the family (in a different state than DH's and 2000 miles away from us) wants to celebrate, too.  They chose to host it, I didn't ask them, therefore I'm not being selfish.  They also realized I couldn't feasibly fly out, so they want me to Skype in and they will ship presents.  I tried to even refuse the shower politely (I didn't want to seem gift-grabby), but they insisted. 

    The two invite lists are completely separate with no overlap.  Therefore, I think it's just fine.  Your MIL needs to calm down. I haven't read in any modern etiquette books that this is a faux pas. 

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  • You're not crazy or unreasonable here.

    The real thing is here---It's none of your MIL's business! Keep reminding yourself that. She's not having the baby.

    There's nothing wrong with 2 showers. There's nothing wrong with registering at 2 locations. Everyone does it! She's just mad because she can't run the show.

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  • I think your MIL is over reacting. Personally, I'm having 4 showers. One on my DH's side, and 2 on my side (my mom's side and my dad's side - they are divorced). and then my girlfriends are throwing me one. And I believe I'll have a small shower at work too.  It's totally normal. And, you have to register at more than one store. You have to have options for your guests, and sometimes, one store might not have what the other store has.


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  • My family and friends are really spread out.  So, I'm having three showers - none of which will be where I actually live.  Your MIL needs to get over herself.
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  • Thanks ladies, I really appreciate it. I think she's having a big issue because she is trying to all she can because, sadly my adoptive and biological Mom have both passed within the last 12 months, and she is just trying to be there as much as she can in her own crazy way. She is very stubborn and opinionated but I think she really just has to listen to what I need. I'll definitely use some of everyone's suggestions. You guys are great THANKS!! 
  • You're not crazy! But it might satisfy MIL if you combined your registries w/ a universal gift registry like www.myregistry.com (that's what I'm using and I love it!). Then everything from BRU and Target could appear together and people could buy from whichever one they like. It would at least look like you're listening to her even though you'd still be registering for whatever you want :)
    "When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies." -J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
  • You aren't crazy at all. Your MIL is acting totally ridiculous. We had 4 showers and were grateful for every single one. Just because you are having multiple showers doesn't mean you will be less grateful for the things people get you. and I think many people also use multiple registries. I would just ignore her.
  • I think with the way people are today and not so much living in the town you grow up in, it's perfectly fine to have two showers. I'm having two, one in my home town where grandmas live and one where my DH and I have lived for the last 12 years. I think moms and mother in laws sometimes loose sight of the way things are these days. You aren't being selfish at all, you are actually being accommodating to each family by picking stores that are close to them.
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