Success after IF

So... what if ferber doesn't work?

Okay so I'm not being a skeptic. This is the truth for us. As a very very very last resort, I tried to do Ferber with Ana. (she got strep and went from sleeping all night to waking every 2 hours.) I read the book, etc.

So this is how it played out for us...

I ferber her to sleep. Reach the max 30 mins between checks (which KILLS me) and we do that for 2 hours. Finally out of exhaustion she falls asleep. (which I feel is wrong but anyway...) 

Then two hours later she's up again. This is where it gets bad. She will not go back to sleep after she wakes the second time using ferber. After three nights of trying to ferber for 4 freakin hours and then giving in and sitting by her until she falls asleep, I don't know what to do and obviously I'm very tired. 

We tried this a month ago with the same results. There are clearly 2 problems. 

1. my kid has separation issues. She can fall asleep fine on her own as long as she knows I'm sitting in her doorway.The No Cry Sleep solution says the next step is to be outside the door but we can't get to that step. She freaks.

2. She's the poster child for perseverance. She will not give up. 

So.... now what do I do? 

FWIW, I've also tried going in and praising her every 30 seconds that she stays in her bed, and then waiting longer and longer before going in, hoping that maybe something more positive would work better with my sensitive child. That made the headway that allows me to sit in her doorway but if I'm out of sight she's a mess. 

So... what would you do next? I'm all for rocking her to sleep. I'm NOT all for waking every 2 hours at 20 mos old.  And, DH won't allow her in the bed.

Nobody said life would be easy. Just that it would be worth it.

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My cooking blog: Pickle Mom's Kitchen

Re: So... what if ferber doesn't work?

  • ((((HUGS)))) I have been thinking about you and wondering how it was going. I am sorry you are still struggling. Sounds awful for everyone. We are not the poster child for good sleep habits because we still rock to sleep and have nightwakings a few times per week. I have always felt Eliza & I would be ferber failures, but I have not have the nerve to try.

    I may have mentioned this before, but LucyP emailed the NCSS author and she responded with personalized advice for Jack. Might be worth a try?

    Hang in there mama and kudos for trying to work through this!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker TTC since Dec '04 Severe MFI-diagnosed 12/06 3 failed Fresh IVFs FET #1 - BFP!! 2 blasts tx on day 6. Beta #1 8dp6dt = 56, Beta #2 = 600, Beta #3 = 5600 My Blog Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • I don't really have any advice, but I know I have several friends who've tried Ferber with toddlers and had similar experiences. I think the older they are the harder it is. I'm so sorry you guys are dealing with this...it sounds awful for you and her both. I wish I could help. Sad
  • Ah! You did tell me that but I totally forgot.(brain fog)  I may have to try that.  :) Heck I'll pay the lady to fly here and get me some sleep. I've got another newborn landing at my place in 2 mos. She HAS to sleep.  :)
    Nobody said life would be easy. Just that it would be worth it.

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    My cooking blog: Pickle Mom's Kitchen
  • What abt a sleep specialist?! I know they can be expensive but my gf whose son is/was a terrible sleeper found one and said it was the best money she spent. One other though it to have your DH help or do the nCSS so she doesnt see you at all. Sorry this is so hard.. I hope you both get some sleep soon.
  • I'm sorry it's not working for you.  I have to admit - my personal opinion is that she is just too old for it.  I haven't really heard of much success after a year or so.  We did it at 6 months and that was the magic time for us with both girls.  I wish I had an answer, I'm sorry =(

    "I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine

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  • she's a smartie pants... is she old enough to for a nice pep talk and rewards if she does it?? I mean, sometimes Ava gets into a week or so of waking more often, and finally I just explain to her that it's her JOB to get a good night's sleep. (sure, older, but?) and praise the crap out of her in the morning when she kinda sorta maybe pulls that off.  I presume you've acknowledged any new teeth or ear troubles, etc?

     

    GL !

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  • She is smart enough to bargain with but nothing is enough "currency" for her to stay in bed if I'm not in sight. Seriously I'd buy the kid a pony.  lol! She just doesn't care. She wants me near. I love her too, but man... sleep would be nice.
    Nobody said life would be easy. Just that it would be worth it.

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    My cooking blog: Pickle Mom's Kitchen
  • image Mrs.Reem:
    Ah! You did tell me that but I totally forgot.(brain fog)  I may have to try that.  :) Heck I'll pay the lady to fly here and get me some sleep. I've got another newborn landing at my place in 2 mos. She HAS to sleep.  :)

    Wait.......why will there be another newborn in 2 mos??????

    About the issue. First, do NOT start rocking her to sleep. We read Healthy Sleep Habits and the explained that if you do this then they never really learn to fall asleep in their bed because when and if they wake up, they are "confused" as to where they are (since they started to fall asleep in your lap), then they really can't get to sleep. Did you actually do the Ferber method in the middle of the night?? (going in every 10-15 minutes....). It completely sucks, but that is what we had to do to get it to work. I do agree that maybe she is too "old," but I think at her age, she is just very smart ;)

    How about calling Super Nanny to come to your house?? ;) J/K!

    Sorry I don't have more advice :(

     


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  • Oh man!  I feel your pain!  Reed has been getting up in the middle of the night lately and it sucks to be tired in the daytime when you have two kids to look after.

    I rocked Penny to sleep while we were on vacation and sometimes that didn't work either. 

    Are you friends with yankee (nora) on facebook?  I know she was/is having some issues with Audrey's sleep.  She might have some thoughts for you.  Separation anxiety was the issue for them I think. 

    How are naptimes?  Does she go to sleep okay for naps?  Penny is going to be 2 in a couple of weeks and this summer her preferences for sleep have changed big time.  She wants a brighter light on, the door open, her blanket folded up and not on her, and her soothers are all stock piled next to her crib on the baseboard ledge so she can get them. Oh, and her favourite toys are all evicted from the crib too. 

    I wish I had the answer!!

  • image CMM05:

    Wait.......why will there be another newborn in 2 mos??????

    Did you actually do the Ferber method in the middle of the night?? 

    I'm going to be caring for my sister's baby when she arrives. 

    Yep, I did still ferber in the middle of the night. I went in every 30 minutes after reaching that limit for 4 hours, 3 nights in a row. Each night failing, obviously. 

    Naps are about the same. She needs me to sit in her doorway until she falls asleep. She only naps for an hour so that's not all that great either. 

    Nobody said life would be easy. Just that it would be worth it.

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    My cooking blog: Pickle Mom's Kitchen
  • image Mrs.Reem:

    And, DH won't allow her in the bed.

    I heard about someone else doing this, when they no longer wanted to cosleep but their daughter wasn't ready to be alone in her room - basically they put the child's mattress on the floor of their room. Not sure if you think it would help? The problem is this doesn't teach her to sleep in her room on her own.

    My next thought is maybe giving her something of yours and creating a special bond with that thing. Almost like a lovey, perhaps if she can transfer her attachment to something other than you, you can get some rest?


  • This sounds wacky, but have you tried giving her a picture of you to hold?  Or (even wackier) a reverse video monitor?  Let her watch you on a camera/monitor?  
     
    I also agree with pp who suggested having DH take over all things bed to break that association.  The mattress on the floor of your room also sounds like a good idea - gradually move the mattress farther from your bed, then into the hall, then into her doorway and into her room?  (If you can do that safely.)  
     
    Finally, have you considered letting both of them sleep in the same room?  I know my brother and I went through stages where we wanted to share a room, so my mom just moved the mattress for that phase moved it back when it was over.  Get her sleeping again and then deal with separate rooms later.
     
    Good luck! 
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  • Just to clarify... How many days did you do Ferber? The way it reads, it sounds like you worked up to 30 minutes on the first day, but you're only supposed to increase your interval 3x each day, then increase the intervals the next day...Or am I remembering something wrong?? In other words, 3 minutes, 5 minutes, 7 minutes, 7 minutes, 7 minutes, etc. for the first day, then 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 15 minutes, etc. the next day. Sorry, I'm probably just not understanding what you're saying...

    Anyway, that aside, I've also noticed that my friends who have tried to Ferberize with kids over 1 year have had no luck, either. Can you lie down with her and then get up? Not that this is a habit you'd want to start, but will she stay asleep, or does she just keep waking up? I have no idea what I'd do at that point... I'm so sorry!!

  • We did 4 days, following the book exactly, with no move in the right direction.

    I am sitting with her until she falls asleep but she's still up every 2 hours. 

    She's on the lower level directly below me so the hike down there is getting old. 

    I think I'll trade pillows with her so she has mine and hope for the best.

    This too shall pass. This too shall pass. 

    Nobody said life would be easy. Just that it would be worth it.

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    My cooking blog: Pickle Mom's Kitchen
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