September 2011 Moms

Pre-e frustrations and fears - probably a rant. Long.

This is probably going to be a whine/rant. And I'm going to start by saying that of course, if I end up with a healthy baby and a healthy me after all of this, then everything will be worth it. Of course I know that. Healthy baby matters more than anything else. Period.

But I'm just really frustrated right now and I need to let it out. I switched from an OB to a midwife at 24 weeks because I wasn't getting the sense that I'd be supported in natural birth from the OB I had, among other reasons. And I absolutely fell in love with the midwifery model of care. I've read the books and done the work to really prepare myself for a natural birth, and I've been so incredibly excited about it. If you asked me 2 weeks ago how I felt about oncoming labor, I wasn't scared at all. I was honestly really excited about the experience.

And then my BP decided to start going up, and protein started spilling into my urine, and I was diagnosed with preeclampsia.

And just like that, all those things that I was so excited about start being taken away. No, you can't go to your baby shower. (Although it came to me and was wonderful.) No, you can't start the school year. No, you can't go to your cousin's wedding. Okay, okay, I'll let those go. No big deal.

Now it's no, you can't have a water birth. No, you won't be free to move around. No, you can't have intermittent monitoring. This is going to be a very high-intervention, medicalized birth and if you're LUCKY it will still be vaginal. And oh by the way you're probably going to be discharged from the midwives' care. Your birth will need to be supervised by an OB, and the midwives will stand by for labor support. 

I was supposed to spend this month waddling around getting insensitive comments about looking like I'm about to pop, washing little clothing and sorting it, being tired and achy and getting anxious for baby to come already, getting random nesting urges that leave me cooking meals in the middle of the night, and all that.

Instead I'm spending it in bed, terrified of being induced early and what that could mean for the baby.

I feel like my body is failing me, and I'm so angry with my body for doing this.  

I don't know whether I'm more angry or scared or anxious. They all get jumbled up together.  

I want the baby to stay cooking as long as possible for baby's health. But the more time I spend on this couch the more anxious I get about whether baby is healthy and I almost want baby out just so I can watch it breathe and know for sure baby's okay.

I'm also just getting a really sinking feeling that baby is going to come this week or next, no matter how I feel about it.  

Again, I'm just frustrated and scared and overwhelmed...and I have this overwhelming sense of frustration that this isn't how things were supposed to be.

And if that makes me a whiny baby then so be it. I am whining. And I needed a place to do it.  

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Re: Pre-e frustrations and fears - probably a rant. Long.

  • Hugs! I'm still new to all this pre-e stuff but I feel some of your pain. I have tons of questions and very few answers and all I see on the web makes it look like I too will be having a very medicated birth and probably sooner than I anticipated. :(

    I guess all we can try to focus on is the end result and know it will be worth it. Hang in there!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Try to take it easy I know it's easier said then done but try not give up. T&P your way hugs!

    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • You don't sound whiny at all!  You need a place to talk and spill out your feelings.  I wish I could just come over to where you live, sit on your couch, and just listen to you.  I'm very sorry you are going through.  I'll be keeping you and your baby in my prayers.  As a PP said, the end result is what matters, but yes, easier to focus then instead of now.  Don't ask yourself all of the 'what ifs' if you can keep yourself from it.  You will just drive yourself even more insane.  Put in some uplifting music, or a cheesy chick flick.  Get your mind off this for a little bit and find something that will make you spill out in laughter.  It is very good for the soul.  And you need something uplifting right now:)
    Love you and praying for you!
  • I'm sorry this is happening. :( Any chance you can hire a doula? If I were you I would discuss with your doctor how they can still make sure you and baby are safe while still considering some of the things you originally wanted.

    I want to say that you can insist on intermitent monitoring. I would really push back on that one. However you could suggest if you have to be constantly monitored that you are allowed to move around. A little give and take maybe. If you do end up having to be induced, you can discuss trying some natural induction methods (which the midwives would be able to talk to you about I bet or a doula would have suggestions) assuming there isnt an immediate danger to you or baby. If those dont work and you need pitocin to induce, you can discuss starting it super slow, turning it off once things get going, stopping and taking a break and starting over if baby is resisting a little (again assuming there's no immediate danger to baby). You can get through induction and pit without an epi or other interventions. My BFF was induced with both boys due to pre-e and had both without an epi or other interventions. Another friend from college did it too. My doula said women who need to be induced give birth without an epi all the time. If there were other things that you wanted for your birth, I would discuss those staying the same even if you have to be induced.....or even a c-section: introducing BFing right away, skin to skin, dad cutting the cord, etc.

    Point is, it doesnt have to be all or nothing. Get yourself a doula, ask lots of questions and demand clear answers.

    Good luck Mama!!

    Kari & Jesse 09.26.09

    Daisypath Happy Birthday tickers

  • You aren't whining, you've had a lot of fears and frustrations all at once!

    If you do have to use pitocin, just know, I did with my second child and still went without pain medication, epi, constant monitoring, episiotomy, forceps, vacuum. Just the pit and a lot of pushing. He was posterior, cord compressed and forcibly evicted at 42 weeks. I just want you to know it's still possible to have some of your wishes and I know everyone says if you have pitocin you need an epi and if you have a posterior baby you need a c-section or an epi at least... nope. :) No one told me, I just did what I did with my first child and shoved him out when I could. Back then, I didn't have opinions on natural childbirth, just figured I'd ask for meds if it got bad. Like with child #1, when I had enough, it was time to push so I pushed instead. The pitocin induced birth was not waaaay worse then my naturally occurring labor either, they both hurt like a baby was coming out of my lady parts. HTH

    Just try to rest and know all will be ok and you'll feel so much better when you're holding your little one.

    Aug 1 siggy challenge. Celebrate! My husband using me as a puppet at my daughter's 16th bday party!
  • For DS, I switched to an OB at 30 weeks because I wanted to have a water birth and at 38 weeks was diagnosed with pre-e.  I can tell you I had the exact opposite birth that I wanted, but it was still amazing! 

    I was disappointed that I had to have so many medications and drugs, but the reality is that pre-e is VERY serious.  You should consult with an OB along with the midwife.  The midwife will do everything they can to allow you as much of the natural process as possible, but you have to be monitored because you will have to be on magnesium which can affect your heart.

    I hope you have a great birthing experience and know that this is what is best for you and baby.

  • We have hired a doula, which I'm even more glad of now. And an OB is being brought in now to consult on the case for exactly the reasons described. Essentially at this point an OB will likely be "in charge" of my labor and birth and the midwives will function as labor support.

    I do plan on asking lots of questions and pushing back - if I can't have the water birth, I will be very pushy about moving around, changing positions, all that. As much as possible with the magnesium, obviously, but the midwife today said that hopefully I should at least be able to change positions with the mag.

    And I plan to ask for gentle use of the pit, Cervidil first - as gentle an induction as possible. I'll avoid amniotomy as long as possible too since I know it puts me on a clock. Obviously though all of this is assuming baby isn't under too much distress.

    Part of my upsetness was coming from how much I disliked my original OB experience. One of the realizations I've had this afternoon is that it's not fair to paint all OB's with the same brush. Yes, I had one jerk who left me bawling, feeling like a fat cow. But that doesn't mean that will be my experience this time. And the OB who will be coming in on the case works in a practice with midwives. I feel like an OB who shares a practice with midwives has to be more likely to be accepting of natural birth choices.

    Thank you so much for all of your support. This is turning into such an emotional roller coaster - it's good to have some fellow riders. Hugs back.  

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  • Whine away !!!  That all totally sucks lemons, (especially b/c I know how much you love to exercise & stay busy!)  Just think, that your ultimate goal is for both you and baby to go through L&D safe and happy - that's it that's all.  Once you have your long awaited LO in your arms, that's all you'll care about.

    But continue to vent & whine as much as you want, b/c if I was in your shoes, I'd be doing it a lot more - kudos to you for not going nutts yet staying in bed (I know I would have!)

    Right Hug 

  • I have no advice, but I can understand that you'd be upset by all of this and wanted to remind you that this is NOTHING you did!  You've been a trooper, super active, taking care of yourself - this isn't your fault.  I would be just as frustrated if I were in your situation and I think you get a free pass for being frustrated.  Also know that in like, 2 months this won't mean a thing to you - it's a small bump in the road to parenthood.  While pre-e is scary and changes plans, at least you know about it and can take the necessary precautions to have a healthy baby and mama :)
    Robin Grace 9.3.2011 & Baby #2 due 8.16.2013 image
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