This is probably going to be a whine/rant. And I'm going to start by saying that of course, if I end up with a healthy baby and a healthy me after all of this, then everything will be worth it. Of course I know that. Healthy baby matters more than anything else. Period.
But I'm just really frustrated right now and I need to let it out. I switched from an OB to a midwife at 24 weeks because I wasn't getting the sense that I'd be supported in natural birth from the OB I had, among other reasons. And I absolutely fell in love with the midwifery model of care. I've read the books and done the work to really prepare myself for a natural birth, and I've been so incredibly excited about it. If you asked me 2 weeks ago how I felt about oncoming labor, I wasn't scared at all. I was honestly really excited about the experience.
And then my BP decided to start going up, and protein started spilling into my urine, and I was diagnosed with preeclampsia.
And just like that, all those things that I was so excited about start being taken away. No, you can't go to your baby shower. (Although it came to me and was wonderful.) No, you can't start the school year. No, you can't go to your cousin's wedding. Okay, okay, I'll let those go. No big deal.
Now it's no, you can't have a water birth. No, you won't be free to move around. No, you can't have intermittent monitoring. This is going to be a very high-intervention, medicalized birth and if you're LUCKY it will still be vaginal. And oh by the way you're probably going to be discharged from the midwives' care. Your birth will need to be supervised by an OB, and the midwives will stand by for labor support.
I was supposed to spend this month waddling around getting insensitive comments about looking like I'm about to pop, washing little clothing and sorting it, being tired and achy and getting anxious for baby to come already, getting random nesting urges that leave me cooking meals in the middle of the night, and all that.
Instead I'm spending it in bed, terrified of being induced early and what that could mean for the baby.
I feel like my body is failing me, and I'm so angry with my body for doing this.
I don't know whether I'm more angry or scared or anxious. They all get jumbled up together.
I want the baby to stay cooking as long as possible for baby's health. But the more time I spend on this couch the more anxious I get about whether baby is healthy and I almost want baby out just so I can watch it breathe and know for sure baby's okay.
I'm also just getting a really sinking feeling that baby is going to come this week or next, no matter how I feel about it.
Again, I'm just frustrated and scared and overwhelmed...and I have this overwhelming sense of frustration that this isn't how things were supposed to be.
And if that makes me a whiny baby then so be it. I am whining. And I needed a place to do it.