October 2011 Moms

Visiting after giving birth? DH vent :/

Our good friends had their LO this morning! So very happy and excited for them.  Except, now my DH is pestering me to go up to the hospital and see them.  Maybe it's just me, but I have only visited ONE friend/relative in the hospital after she gave birth, and it was by her request and out of necessity since she was super early and asked me to bring a few things she needed.  I always felt like it wasn't my place to be at the hospital- what new mother, after giving birth to a baby, wants to host every friend and family member she knows as they parade through her hospital room?  Wearing a gown that leaves you half naked, sore, in pain, tired, who knows what... Not exactly a Suzie Homemaker hostess moment.  He doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with it.

Now, it's opened up a can of worms about our arrangements for delivery.  I thought we were on the same page about not having friends visit the hospital.  In fact, I didn't really even love the idea of having both of our (large) families to deal with right after delivery, but I accepted that they will be there waiting for their first grandchild/neice/nephew no matter what we tell them.   We planned to call them when I was 8ish-cm so that they make it there in time for delivery but couldn't harrass me in the hospital for however long it takes to give birth (they are ABSOLUTELY the type of people who would knock on the door to peak in and see us every 20 minutes if they got passed the nurses station).  We also decided to ask friends and other extended family to give us some time to bond and get adjusted and we'd extend an invite to come see us at home when we were ready.

Now, DH keeps saying, "We'll see, we'll see."  So I just had a hormonal flip out on him.  I yelled, "NO, YOU will see! I'M the one that will be sick, tired, torn, stitched up, drugged up and exhausted and half naked.  I will NOT have visitors.  I need to REST and RECOURPERATE and bond with the baby.  END OF STORY.  When YOU push a baby out of your pee-hole you can decide whether or not to accept visitors 20 seconds after the most intense thing your body will every go through!"  I honestly never pulled the 'When YOU have the baby' card on him before and felt bad for doing it, but enough is enough! I'm compromising on so many things that I didn't think I would do when I was imagining being pregnant (like being team green, for example).  I was in L&D last week and was a huge baby and a bad patient- I can only imagine what the actual birth will be like, and I KNOW I will not want to be visiting with people yet.

Am I wrong on this one? 

 

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Re: Visiting after giving birth? DH vent :/

  • You're not wrong and I initially felt the same way as you, although not quite as strongly :)  However, I changed my mind after a conversation with my sister.  She asked me, would you rather be bombarded at the hospital, when there are strict rules about when and how many folks can visit at a time (and you have nurses to do your dirty work and kick them out) or be bombarded at home when people think they can stay forever and you're forced to kick them out.

    The hospital was the clear winner for me.

  • I wouldn't feel bad at all. Clearly, he needed a reality check.

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  • I don't think there's a right or wrong to this question, it's just a matter of what you prefer.  Some women want to be alone with their SO and new LO and spend that time bonding with few people interacting.

    Some women want to share the experience with more people and welcome guests at the hospital.

    I am in Boat #2 and will be thrilled to have people visit me at the hospital, provided all goes well.  But if you don't want visitors, that's entirely up to you and people should respect that.

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  • I completely agree with everything you've posted, however, in my heart of hearts, I don't think there's going to be much I can do stop people from "showing up" after the baby is born. Because I don't think most people wait for an invitation. However, I do think whipping out a boob or complaining about a catheter (whether or not you have one) might persuade them to leave quickly.
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  • I 100% agree with you! Unless we have a complicated delivery and have to stay in the hospital for more than 24hrs, we will have NO visitors until we get home, and even then it will only be immediate family.  No if, ands or buts about it.

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  • My MIL's best friend works in the hospital as does this woman's daughter-in-law. One is a nurse and the DIL is in admitting. I told my husband the same thing. No visitors except for my own children. His reply was there would be nothing I could do to stop people from coming in. That irritated me to the point where I said security would stop them. I truly do not want ANY visitors after.
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  • I totally agree with you ! I talked to DH about this and he seems to think it's rude for us to not allow guests for a certain period of time (either while in the hospital or while home). I'm sorry but I'm the one doing all the work here. If I want to wait a day to have visitors or tell people they need to schedule visiting times with me ahead of time (when we are home & DH goes back to work), I think I have every right to. Heck, it would be rude to me to just allow people to show up as they please.
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  • I totally agree.  I'll take visitors when ever I invite them, not before.  I think my parents will drive down for the delivery (they're 1 hour away) and they're the only people I want to see.

    My SIL had her first in May. I would have dropped anything if she'd asked us to come visit - but she did not and that's totally fine.  After 40 hours of labor you bet she needed alone time!

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  • image jessica0602:

    You're not wrong and I initially felt the same way as you, although not quite as strongly :)  However, I changed my mind after a conversation with my sister.  She asked me, would you rather be bombarded at the hospital, when there are strict rules about when and how many folks can visit at a time (and you have nurses to do your dirty work and kick them out) or be bombarded at home when people think they can stay forever and you're forced to kick them out.

    The hospital was the clear winner for me.

    Winner winner chicken dinner. For realz.

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  • I support you 100% on this. I was the same way when I was pregnant with DD. The thought of post birth visitors was horrifying. But after having her, it was all I could do not to call every person in my phone book at 5 am and make them all come and watch while I shouted my love for her from the mountaintops. I wanted everyone to meet her.

    That being said, I had a great birth. I probably would have stuck to my no visitors guns had I been in more pain. My advice would be to accept that you might change your mind, but don't tell DH that if there is a chance he will steamroll you into having visitors. 

    Edited for typos.

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  • I've visited several good friends in the hospital about a day after they've given birth and if anything, I think they were quite happy to have people they care about showing support and interest.  I didn't ask if they truly wanted me there, I just assumed it was ok since we're close.  But now being on the other side of the fence, you got me thinking. I would imagine there would be a big difference between barging in shortly after the baby makes its arrival vs coming in announced a day later.  But everybody is different and some people want to be very reserved and private with their birth/hospital experience.  I think I'd be really open to all sorts of visitors after a day, but I'm not expecting anyone other than my in-laws and they will probably want to see the baby the earliest chance they get.
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  • No, absolutely not.  You might change your mind after having the baby and want to show him or her off, but you might feel even more strongly about having no visitors.  You should get to make the call about visitors since you are the one who has to go through labor and YH should support your decision. 

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  • image weddingbells2010:

    Our good friends had their LO this morning! So very happy and excited for them.  Except, now my DH is pestering me to go up to the hospital and see them.  Maybe it's just me, but I have only visited ONE friend/relative in the hospital after she gave birth, and it was by her request and out of necessity since she was super early and asked me to bring a few things she needed.  I always felt like it wasn't my place to be at the hospital- what new mother, after giving birth to a baby, wants to host every friend and family member she knows as they parade through her hospital room?  Wearing a gown that leaves you half naked, sore, in pain, tired, who knows what... Not exactly a Suzie Homemaker hostess moment.  He doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with it.

    Now, it's opened up a can of worms about our arrangements for delivery.  I thought we were on the same page about not having friends visit the hospital.  In fact, I didn't really even love the idea of having both of our (large) families to deal with right after delivery, but I accepted that they will be there waiting for their first grandchild/neice/nephew no matter what we tell them.   We planned to call them when I was 8ish-cm so that they make it there in time for delivery but couldn't harrass me in the hospital for however long it takes to give birth (they are ABSOLUTELY the type of people who would knock on the door to peak in and see us every 20 minutes if they got passed the nurses station).  We also decided to ask friends and other extended family to give us some time to bond and get adjusted and we'd extend an invite to come see us at home when we were ready.

    Now, DH keeps saying, "We'll see, we'll see."  So I just had a hormonal flip out on him.  I yelled, "NO, YOU will see! I'M the one that will be sick, tired, torn, stitched up, drugged up and exhausted and half naked.  I will NOT have visitors.  I need to REST and RECOURPERATE and bond with the baby.  END OF STORY.  When YOU push a baby out of your pee-hole you can decide whether or not to accept visitors 20 seconds after the most intense thing your body will every go through!"  I honestly never pulled the 'When YOU have the baby' card on him before and felt bad for doing it, but enough is enough! I'm compromising on so many things that I didn't think I would do when I was imagining being pregnant (like being team green, for example).  I was in L&D last week and was a huge baby and a bad patient- I can only imagine what the actual birth will be like, and I KNOW I will not want to be visiting with people yet.

    Am I wrong on this one? 

     

    I just had to LOL at this. I agree with you. 

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  • I've had two kids and I hate nothing more than hospital visitors.  I would be thrilled if no one visited me there, but at least no one that isn't my family or a bff.

    when I had my daughter, my inlaws had company.  A guy I'd never met - and they BROUGHT HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.  I was freaking mortified.

    H saw them walking up to the hospital from the parking lot and he was just like "i'm sorry! i'm sorry! i'm so so so so sorry!!"

    I was like - "sorry for what?......  oh Tongue Tied"

    lol!

    I don't mind having visitors at home b/c my mom is usually here for a week and she just entertains people for me.  When I want them to leave, I will just take the baby and say I need to go upstairs and feed him/her.  "thanks for stopping by!"  

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  • My DH and I have this argument at every major holiday (he's from a large family and likes having people around for extended periods of time) I'm from a small family and am an only child so I dislike large groups...and prefer to only see people other than my mom and DH for about 2 hours then leave me the hell alone. So I expected the hospital thing to be an issue...and it was we hashed it out and came to the agreement that 1) this is the list of people allowed to visit 2) this many people may be in my room at a given time, and DH must be present if members of his family are in my room 3) I will accept visitors a maximum of 2 hours a day outside of him and my mom...and once those two hours are met its tough luck if someone else wants to visit he's welcome to take them down to the cafeteria but my room is off limits.
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  • We are not having anyone the day of the delivery except my mom and DH's parents, and that is only after delivery, no vistors during labour AT ALL. And at my hospital you can't have any vistors till 2 hours after the delivery anyway so I am fine with them visiting after the 2 hours. The next day I have no problems with people visiting, like a pp said I would much rather people visit in the hospital and not at home when the can sit and stay forever!!
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  • image MrsClark8109:
    My DH and I have this argument at every major holiday (he's from a large family and likes having people around for extended periods of time)

    This is exactly it.  We BOTH have big families so I've come to terms with the fact that there will be both sets of our parents, my grandparents, 4 brothers and 2 SILs in the waiting room at MINIMUM. That's 12 freaking people I will have to see nearly immediately after birth.  I have accepted it since it's everyone's first grandchild/great grandchild/neice/nephew.  I don't want to begrudge them that, nor my husband the experience of shouting "It's a ___!" to everyone in the waiting room (he's super excited for that moment).

    I draw the line at everyone else.  At our hospital they really push rooming in, so LO will be in there with us a lot.  I don't want everyone's grubby hands all over LO within the first 24hrs of his/her birth.  I'm also very aprehensive about learning to BF and I don't want to be there, boobs out, as everyone parades through.  I expect our families to come visit us at home pretty soon after the birth too, but we've already made it clear that the first few days are for us to get adjusted and bond and everyone is to call first to see if we're up to visitors.  DH is only getting 10 days off before returning to work and this will be really special time to us.  Everyone else can wait!

  • image pearblossom:

    I support you 100% on this. I was the same way when I was pregnant with DD. The thought of post birth visitors was horrifying. But after having her, it was all I could do not to call every person in my phone book at 5 am and make them all come and watch while I shouted my love for her from the mountaintops. I wanted everyone to meet her.

    That being said, I had a great birth. I probably would have stuck to my no visitors guns had I been in more pain. My advice would be to accept that you might change your mind, but don't tell DH that if there is a chance he will steamroll you into having visitors. 

    Edited for typos.

    This except I had a sh1tty birth experience and was sick. It was nice knowing my baby had lots of visitors and there was always someone around to bring me a drink, rub my feet, whatever else I needed.
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  • After Dh's cousin went into labor they announced it on FB, but I still asked how she felt about company. DH works at the hospital so it made sense for him to go up and say hi.  Would likely have been rude if he hadn't. But even he didn't stay long, he could tell she was tired and come to find out she had had a hard labor so I opted not to go up at all.  I still haven't seen the baby because I know they must be hammered with visitors.  I will wait till things calm down for her.
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  • The only ones allowed to visit while we're in the hospital will be my mom, MIL, FIL, and SIL. And that's once we're in recovery, NOT while in delivery at all. Apart from being a private person, I just have no idea how the labor will go or how I'll feel. Luckily DH is a germaphobe and will want to limit the number of people going anywhere near the baby, so I'll be able to use that to my advantage. :) 
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  • I will not be having any visitors at the hospital. My husband is completely supportive of this decision. Our families live on the opposite coast as us, so we will call them on the way to the hospital so my family can purchase their airline tickets to come see us once we are home. We have one friend, who is also our housesitter/dogsitter for when we are out of town say that "I have to let her come to the hospital and to tell the desk she is some form of relative". I absolutely DO NOT want her there.,..so I understand. I've already gone as far as getting our housekeys back from her and we've made other arrangements for our dog. (Our hospital is over an hour away without traffic, so Hubby will be staying with me and LO). I've also been told by our friends that we can request no visitors at the front desk when we check in, so I'll be doing that. I agree with PP that I don't want to be trying to learn how to breastfeed while having people come in and out of my room. I also strongly feel that if our families can't see their first grandchild/great grandchild at the hospital I want no one too. I want them to at least see LO through Skype or pics first before everyone here sees LO.
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  • image NickyCicc20:

    I don't think there's a right or wrong to this question, it's just a matter of what you prefer.  Some women want to be alone with their SO and new LO and spend that time bonding with few people interacting.

    Some women want to share the experience with more people and welcome guests at the hospital.

    I am in Boat #2 and will be thrilled to have people visit me at the hospital, provided all goes well.  But if you don't want visitors, that's entirely up to you and people should respect that.

    This. I'm happy to have my close friends and family after the first hour or so with LO.  Most of them will be there by delivery....they will just have to wait till big brother and big sister have had their moments and baby has nursed. 

    That said, all the people at the hospital annoy the living daylights out of me during labor.  I had work to do and didn't really want everyone and their brother watching me.

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  • I will not be allowing visitors of any sort until the day after we come home. My family all live a plane ride away, and though DH's family is physically close, we are not that close to them. I just remember my MIL coming to visit unannounced and not taking the hint that the nurse was preparing to help me BF DD1. I had to ask her to leave the room. She also came by an hour after we got home and it was just too much. Since we now will have a 3 year old, I want that time alone with my little family to bond.
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  • This is a situation where "to each their own". You need to decide what is best for you. That being said, I had a c-section with my first and we had family and friends visit us in the hospital. I didn't care that they saw me in the hospital gown, after all they came to see our new baby and to offer their support. We have been to see several friends in the hospital after they gave birth, maybe that is just our circle of friends, but for us it was no big deal.

    I kicked everyone out (except maybe my mom, sisters, or DH) when I breastfed. The nurses had to check me (incision, pad - I was still on a catheter so I couldn't take care of that myself yet) every couple of hours, so that would usually end a visit.

    Again, you need to decide what is best for you, but don't be close-minded to the fact that you may like having the visitors and the distraction. You will have lots of time with your LO.

    Good luck!

  • No, you're not wrong. You're the patient, it's your choice who visits.

     ETA: We also didn't have visitors at the hospital, and I couldn't be happier with how things went. DS was born at 11:43 am, and I was EXHAUSTED for the rest of the day. I pretty much spent the entire rest of the day sleeping and holding him. I would have hated to have to entertain visitors when all I wanted to do was cuddle with my baby, feed my baby, and nap.

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  • I was so grateful that only my mom and dad came and MIL and FIL the first day and MIL and BFF only after that. I contracted a bacterial infection called c.diff. I was running the the bathroom every 10 minutes for three days!!!! It would have been awful if I had visitors in that condition! Luckily we live three hrs from our friends and family!

     

  • pros of visitors in the hospital

    • nurses control number of visitors, you dont have to entertain or feed them, etc.
    • they may bring better food than hospital food
    • they probably wont hold the baby since the nurses and you will be busy with the baby - less germs for a newborn
    • they will have to purell before entering
    • if you have a c-section, you might be in the hospital long enough to be bored and want visitors

    cons of visitors in the hospital

    • you just had surgery and feel naked, tired and ugly - not in the mood to smile for people
    • if people bring gifts - it is one more thing to lug home
    • you might be exhausted after giving birth and you just want to be alone and sleep
    • you might just want some family bonding time without extra people

     

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  • Honestly for me, I'm on your husbands side.  If one of my close friends has a baby and I'm in the area, I'll go visit in the hospital and sometimes it unannounced!  If they don't want me there, then I go home.  No problem.  9 times out of 10, they are fine because they want to show off baby and want somebody to talk too!  I gladly accepted visitors, announced and unannounced, and would honestly have loved more!  But I had an uncomplicated vaginal birth and wasn't wearing the hospital gown, so maybe that had something to do with it!!!

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  • I visit friends and family in the hospital after they have delivered their babies, but that is AFTER I get the all clear that they are wanting visitors.

    SO's family is big and they are used to having aunts, uncles, cousins, distant relatives....you name it.....in the waiting room ready for the all clear to come in and see the baby. That is normal for them and they are all used to that, but I come from a small family and am not used to that at all. I start to feel claustrophobic.

     I told SO that we need to go in just the two of us, deliver the baby, spend some time with the baby, see how I feel, and then slowly start calling people and inviting them to visit once we know how I am feeling and how the baby is doing. We have no idea what time we are going to have to go to the hospital, how long it is going to take, if there are going to be any complications, etc. The last thing I want, is a ton of family waiting in the waiting room to come in, only to have a horrible delivery and have to send them all home without seeing the baby. I am preparing for the worst, just in case. But if I go through everything and feel fine and am ready for people to come, I have no problem with visitors after that. I am more worried about SO's psycho sister and her visiting.....ugh. 

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  •  Boy am I scared to bring this up with DH..... he has a large rather invasive family and doesn't understand why I wouldn't want everyone under the sun there... I'm more private and don't want people there when I'm learning to care for an infant and BF... I guess if I have to call security, I will.

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