TTC After a Loss

newbie here, sharing my story about my 2 angel babies.

I would like to introduce myself as a newbie here.  People call me T. :), and I wanted to share my story.   

it started back in 2006 when I got married. Hubby and I tried for 4 years to get pregnant. We never even thought to look into a specialist for help until 4 years later.  Our first round of IUI protocol did not produce a lot of follicles.  The second round of IUI we used more meds, dosage wise, and received a wholeee bunch.  AFter the second IUI I was pregnant with 5 babies!! the docs were even surprised at such a response.  I guess that doesn't happen all too often with quins.

3 of our lil ones weren't doing so well and I miscarried 3 fetus after having some genetic tests performed.  TMI, (sorry) two ended up being expelled from my body.  So there I was left with 2 lil babies, a boy and girl thriving for about 22 weeks.  Somewhere around that time my peri did an u/s and saw that my fluid was almost gone on my lil girl.  The doctors that saw me on that particular day (I saw a ton of docs re this), were horrible in the way they reacted to it and how they explained they pretty much couldn't do anything , to go home and see what happens.  There is a grey area between doctors when it comes to when a baby is "viable". 24 weeks is the legal time.  Some doctors won't even try to help the babies if you go into labor before 24 weeks.  The doctor that I liked and was most comfortable with was on my side, said he would do anything he could to try and save my babies. he was on MY side.

so the day the nasty doc gave me the horrible news and told me to go home, I ended up taking myself to the emergency L&D that evening where they immediately admitted.  Some docs after a couple days wanted to kick me out b/c they couldnt do anything, but my real doc fought for me to stay in the hospital just in case.

To back track even a few weeks before all this happened, maybe even a month, I was spotting, bleeding, etc and it wouldn't stop. it happened to be old blood from the babies that passed.  so I had huge clots coming out all the time.  I saw quite a few doctors and they all told me not to worry the babies looked fine at that time.  I had ultrasounds every week and my babies were kicking away and heartbeats were great!

so back to around the 22 weeks. or a little before when I went to the emergency room, I was admitted and was in the hospital for exactly 7 days when in the middle of the night I passed an enormous clot and they told me I was having contractions.  off to L&D I went.  About 12 hours after the most excruiating contractions ever, front and back puking during it all, I gave birth to my daughter and son, both weighing less than a pound.  23 w 4 days.  They were wisked away immediately into the hands of the NICU docs.  My daughter wasn't breathing when she came out. it took them 10 mins to revive her.  We were counseled before I went into labor about what could happen, what illnesses they could have and complications etc.  They were both beautiful.

So I was in the hospital for another 3 days going back and forth to the NICU,Watching my children fight for their life.  My son Tony Jr fought his heart out for 16 days, and my daughter Angelina Rose for 26 days.  Theiry lungs were the worst, and just wouldn't develop, and they had many other illnesses that come with being a micro preemie.

so that is pretty much my story.  it's been 9 months since they turned into angels. Since I have had 1 IUI with no meds, and I have had 2 rounds of IVF since march.   It pains me to read some of the posts and read about what other woman have to go through.  It's not fair.  It shouldn't be this hard to start a family.  I feel for all woman that have to go through this. My heart goes out to everyone!

unfortunately, this is the way the world turns these days, and do what we have to do to achieve our dreams.  I will do whatever it takes to become a mom again.  My babies were so amazing.  They were perfectly formed and just tiny little people.  I am blessed that I got to meet them.   I miss them every day, and not a day goes by where I dont think about them.  I cannot believe this type of thing happens every day and the pain that we all go through.  

So that is the basis of my story.  I know there are things I forgot, but you get the gist.  

I hope everyone has  found ways to live life and hold true the memory of their babies in some form or another.  Bless your hearts little angel babies.  

 

thanks for listening, I would like to hear about others' experiences, losses and triumphs.  I hope there is some good news out there somewhere. 

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Re: newbie here, sharing my story about my 2 angel babies.

  • wow!  i am so sorry for everything you have been through/ are going through.  i am glad you were able to have your babies with you for the days they fought.  what brave babies you have!

    my stories are found in my blog--i had two 21w losses.  

    again, i am so sorry, but thank you for sharing your story!! 

    image Robbie's Blog
    DD #1 born 10/21/03

    DD #2 born 2/8/06

    DS no hb 11/17/10 at 21w1d, d&e 11/24,demise due to fetal hydrops, from congestive heart failure, probably caused by structural malformation

    Our Rango....BFP 2/6/11...hb on 2/23...perfectly healthy, but no hb on 6/9/11 d & e 6/15/2011
    Rango's Blog
  • I'm so very sorry for your losses. Your story is just heartbreaking. I hope you find the comfort and support you need here. Welcome to the board.
    photo e9455f4d-9751-469e-a19f-460104cd2e5c.jpg photo jan15.jpg
    BFP #1 5/20/10 Natural MC at 5w4d 5/28/10
    BFP #2 11/3/10; BO at u/s 10w6d 12/16/10; Natural MC 1/7/11; D&C 4/21/11
    BFP #3 10/27/11 Please stick, LO!! 2/6/12 It's a Girl! Alexis Grace born 6/29/12
    BFP#4 4/27/14 Stick, stick, stick!! 8/11/14 It's a Boy!
    "Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow, that is patience."  Let it Be (blog)My BFP Charts
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  • wow...I am also very sorry too for everything you have been going through as well. I am not great with words, just horrified that ppl  have to go through these nightmares.    i can't even explain how I feel about what others went through.   I just cry and cry every time I read someones story about thier angel babies.

    and you have gone through it two times.  you must be a strong woman to keep on living like you have.   As you wrote in your blog, I often think of who is upstairs keeping an eye on my angels and loving them as much as we do.  

    Maybe I will take a cue from you and start a blog for my angels. I often find myself wondering how big they would, what their first  words would be, what they would look like after a few months and much much more.  I hold the memories that we made very close and think about them every day..

     

    thank you for sharing. 

     

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  • I am so very sorry for the loss of your babies and for all you have been through.  I am sorry you have to be here, but I hope you find support and that your stay is short and you can move onto PgAL!

    I know in your post you asked for our stories, so here is mine. 

    My DH and I decided in the fall of last year that we felt ready to start a family.  We decided we would start trying at the turn of the new year.  I got my BFP on January, our first month of trying and we were absolutely cracking up laughing and hugging.  

    As we began to foolishly announce our pregnancy early, I became increasingly uncomfortable telling people so early.  I remember saying "it is still early" when I would tell people.  I felt like something was wrong.

    I started spotting the weekend after Valentine's Day.  We went to see Kathy Griffin and when I went to the bathroom there was a single red spot.  Long story short, the doctor confirmed the baby never grew past 5.5 weeks and there was no heartbeat at 9 weeks.  I miscarried naturally about a week later.

    We waited the prescribed cycle and nothing happened in May.

    I thought I was out for June when I thought I had CD1, but no more bleeding happened.  I called the doctor and they ran betas.  I had a beta of 25 and then two days later it was 71.  The nurse congratulated me.  Two days after that it dropped to 25.  I had lost something I didn't know I really had.

    We are TTC, but I just found out I have low progesterone.  I was hopeful for this month, but it sounds like things probably didn't work out for us.  I am expecting CD1 on Saturday.  Onto August. 

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  • im sorry for your losses and everything you have been through. 

    thank you for sharing your story with us, i hope in telling it that you are able to get some peace.

     

    Heather & Dan Married 8/4/06

    dx PCOS 2008

    TTC#1=IVF W/ICSI=Avery 8/2/09 at 40w2d


    TTC#2, Surprise bfp 6/27/11, dx Missed M/c 7/18/11, d&e 7/19/11.
    Natural m/c 8/14/11, confirmed on 8/18/11

    FET Cycle ET 2/26/12, bfp 3/3/12 beta #1 3/9/12 335 beta #2 3/12/12 1295 beta#3 3/14/12 2546


    ?S/PAIFW?PAL/PGALW?

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  • I am so sorry for all of your losses.  Your stroy is heartbreaking.

    Welcome to the board.  I hope you can find comfort and support here.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    BFP 1/8/11 - U/S 2/24/11 (11wks) no heartbeat measuring 6w1d - D&C 2/28/11

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  • I am again sooo sorry that you lost Tony Jr and Angelina....

    Here is my story

    I got my suprise BFP on 10-10-10!! 4 weeks before our wedding..I had a beautiful wedding and honeymoon ( except the no drinking part Stick out tongue)

    I went through my entire pregnancy as the perfect pregnant woman... I passed every test with flying colors, I was happy, active and soo prepared and ready to be a mother.

    I had my regular apt on 39w4d, I fought with DH to come, he had only missed a few but didnt want to take a tuesday off, I finally got him to come by saying that it could be our last one! We went it, peed in the cup, got weighed, and blood pressure, everything perfect, as normal. The doctor came into the room and I asked her to guesstimate Addisons size. She told we 7 1/2 lbs tops ( that will be "funny" later)

    She checked the fundal growth and then grabbed the doppler, she ran it across my stomach but  said it wasnt working and went to grab another one! It wasnt working either so she told me to go to the ultrasound room, I looked at her and said I was getting a little scared, she didnt say anything!

    We start looking on the u/s and she gets a very serious look on her face. She tells me to go next door to the hospital and she will meet us there, I didnt even get dressed. I just wrapped up in the sheet!

    At this point I really started to get scared and started crying DH just held my hand as he drove across the parking lot. My doctor walked in right before us and immediately put us in a L&D room.... She did another u/s on a better machine, at this point I knew that Addison was gone and started screaming ( I can still hear myself sometimes when I have nightmares). My doctor shook her head and started to cry too, then he left the room.

    DH called my mom and sister and his parents to tell them what happened and they needed to come down. My doctor then induced me as we decided that vaginal birth would be the "easiest" to recover from.

    I was in labor for 6h when I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl!! on 6-7-11 Addison Jayne was born sleeping at 7:17pm  21 inches long and 8lbs 15 oz ( 7 1/2 my @ss).

    She died when I started having minor contraction Sunday night. Her umbilical cord was too short so as the contractions pushed her down it put to much stress on the cord and caused it to stop working.

    Sorry I didnt realize how long that got. : here a cookie if you made it through: But thats my story and it F-ing sucks!!!

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  • So many sad stories on the board tonight.  OP, I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but it seems like you have an amazingly positive spirit.  Welcome to the board, and I hope you find everything you need here.
    Me (28): fine, DH (28): MFI
    Married 6/21/09
    Off BCP and TTC 4/17/11
    BFP #1 (ended in CP) 7/15/11
    Varicocelectomy surgery 9/4/12 - T improved to normal, but still low count

    Current Status: Pursuing Jan '15 IVF w/ ICSI
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  • I'm so sorry for you losses. I'm sorry you had to deal with some a-hole dr.s. Welcome. This board is wonderful.
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    DD#1 9-4-04 *** DD#2 10-15-07
    BFP#3 10-25-10 *EDD 7/1/11 * missed m/c @ 13w3d
    BFP#4 7-30-11 *EDD 4/8/12 ~ DD#3 born 4/4/12
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  • Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful babies. Thank you for sharing your story.

    My story: DH and I had been married for a little over two years when we decided we were ready. DH is a pilot in the Marine Corps and we spent a good year and half apart due to trainings and the last deployment so after last summer and fall of our finally well deserved "newlywed" time we decided we wanted to start a family. I went off the pill in January and sometime around the beginning of April we found out we were expecting. We were so excited. I was worried because it hadn't taken that long. Anyway after fighting with TRICARE to see my doc instead of the hospital on base I got an appt for my first u/s at 9wks. Because of the short noticed DH couldn't come with me. So I expected to take a cute little u/s photo with me to show him. Well that never happened. I was measuring 4 wks behind with a faint heart beat. There was a sliver of hope. We prayed and prayed and prayed for miracle that never came. A few days later I was rushed to the ER where I lost our angel to a natural m/c at ten weeks. So here we are hoping to get pregnant before/ if a rumored deployment happens.

    hugs

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  • I am so sorry for your loss. Your story made me cry. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hate that we are all here due to loss, but I have met some really great people here. I hope that you can find comfort here. Fingers crossed for you during your journey of ttc again. I look forward to getting to know you!
    First BFP April 2011, EDD 01/11/11, MMC June 20, 2011 D&C June 20, 2011 Second BFP September 23, 20011 CP diagnosed September 26, 2011 PAL/PGAL welcome
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  • I am so so sorry for your losses. I hope you are able to find comfort and support here.
    BFP#1 7/09 DS born 3/30/10 BFP#2 5/11 M/C 6/11 BFP#3 9/11 M/C 10/11 BFP #4 5/20/12 Pregnancy Ticker
  • I"m so sorry for all your precious losses and all you all went through.

    Welcome to the board, I've had 4 early losses. All before or around 9 weeks. Working on my Insulin Resistance this time around, praying, and expecting a miracle.

    Happily Married since August 2008
    Trying to Conceive our 1st Together



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    DD 9/5/99 Furbaby born 11/11
    Our Angel Babies: 10/09 and 08/10 Blighted Ovums, 03/11 Missed Miscarriage at 9 weeks. CP 8/11. Missed m/c 8 weeks 10/11. Missed m/c 7 weeks 5/12. Natural Miscarriage 9 weeks 8/12. CP 10/12
  • I am so sorry for your losses. Abbreviated version of my story: BFP on Father's Day, first u/s at 6w4days showed twins with heartbeats. Scheduled follow up u/s for two weeks out to check for membrane between the two. My labs in between appointments showed I failed my blood sugar test. Follow up u/s showed no heartbeat on either baby. I had a d&c yesterday. Have an appt scheduled with my primary care dr next week to discuss my blood sugar and determine if I have an issue there before we try again.This was my first pregnancy.

     

     

  • Hi T, I'm Petra.

    I am so sorry for your losses. I am also sorry for the delay in my response. My folks are visiting (we live a very long ways away), and my time on the board has become intermittent because of it. Welcome to the board!

    Here is part of my story: 

    I am an AMA (advanced medical age) TTCALer, trying for my first. My DH (younger than me) and I met after I assumed I would never be able to have children, as I hadn't met anyone I trusted enough to try with before and was pushing 40. We married in September and immediately tried for a honeymoon baby (I was due to O several days into it). On the 4th month of actively trying (temping, no OPKs), we found success. We had been traveling over Christmas and New Years, and had not had any privacy. I had ended us stopping temping several days before O, because of sleeping on a living room floor in a very crowded house and not ever getting 3 hours of sleep stitched together. We believe that the one night we BD'd (hotel by airport between stops on our trip) we managed to get it right. 

    We were so happy, not only for the BFP, but for the swiftness of it. We went to the clinic and confirmed the test, then met with my NP. She said something that I thought was a real WTFness at the time, but gave me comfort for several months after the loss. She said, "It's great you got pregnant so soon, it means if you lose this one, you'll get pregnant again quickly."

    I started out with a seemingly healthy pregnancy. The only glitch was at 5w1d, I slipped on some ice and hit the back of my head. The result was being found wandering my building at work and suffering retrograde amnesia. I was checked out and sent home with a concussion. There is no possibility that this contributed to my loss, but it made me very nervous about the pregnancy. 

    My DH and I worked with the movers during those few days, and I drove him to the airport. He moved 3000 miles away to start his new job, while I moved into the tiny guest bedroom of a dear friend and her daughter for the next 6 months to finish my masters. A few weeks into it, I was chugging away with m/s and realizing the stress of teaching combined with the twin stresses of my final semester as a grad student (all research and writing, no classes) and having my newlywed husband so far away, was too much. I made immediate arrangements to take a 16 month LOA, and arranged a flight for myself and our 70 lbs dog, plus my BFF to help my wrangle all the luggage and stuff, in a few more weeks. 

    The timing of the flight was set to be a few days after my initial OB appointment at 10 weeks, so I would have time to announce at a going away party being thrown for me by the other female grad students in our department. The morning of the appointment, my BFF found out she had to work. Another good friend who knew offered to accompany me. I will always be thankful for that. When we arrived, they took my blood and had me PIAC. They then told me that the OB was on-call and could see me that day. I explained about the move and that when we booked the appointment it was with the expressed understanding that they wouldn't book me with the on-call guy as I only had the one day. (Ridiculously large practice, only one in town.) 

    Long story short, I INSISTED they do the u/s. Another OB swung in the room to do it. He started with a pelvic and said, "Well, your definitely pregnant!" and moved on to the dildo-cam. The jerk drove it like a stick shift, and caused a bunch of unnecessary pain, showed me the baby and announced that I had got my dates wrong, because it was only 6w2d, instead of 9w5d, and didn't have a hb. After assuring me (the furking scientist) that I just didn't understand charting or how periods worked (don't even get me started), he ordered repeat betas. The look on the nurses face said it all. 

    I got to go to my going away party the next day. After keeping a smile on my face as 20 women pressed me with questions about us getting pregnant or why don't we just adopt (we'd only been married for 5 months at this time, WTF?!) for the whole party, it wound down to just about 5 of us. One girl walked straight up to me and announced I was pregnant and something was wrong. She just knew. So those remaining ladies found out.

    The next day, we got the final word that while my betas were very high but they were falling, missed m/c DX'd at 10 weeks. They wanted me to stay for a D&C and I refused. I requested Cytotec and pain management so I could complete my move. Because I had an OB lined up up here, they capitulated. I flew to Alaska the next day with the drugs to end my failed pregnancy in my pocket. The loss took a week and I passed the entire pregnancy intact in quasi-labor at 2am on the 4th night. 

    My new OB was wonderful and at our new patient/follow-up appointment a week later, he cleared us and encouraged us to TTC right away. I continued charting and added OPKs to the mix. We did not succeed. 4 cycles later, I requested very basic CD2 and 7DPO bloodwork. My FSH levels are those of a much younger woman and everything came back perfect, except the progesterone. My level was only 1.7, if I hadn't had my charts, we'd  have assumed I wasn't ovulating at all. Ultimately, it appears that this was the root cause of my loss.

    He's thinking very weak or ill-timed (egg maturity level) ovulation, and recommended moving on to clomid. Since it was mid-cycle when we got the news, I requested progesterone suppositories. We split the difference and decided to just do both starting with progesterone during last cycle. Today is CD4 of my 10th TTC cycle (6th since loss) and I am now taking clomid CDs2-6 and progesterone from +OPK through 14DPO and beta test to decide results on 14DPO.

    Through this whole thing, I have been blessed to have an incredibly supporting DH, who has actually been willing to discuss not only what he's feeling, but why and the differences between women's and men's reactions to loss. I've been able to offer this information to the ladies here in the past and we've found some insight.

    I'm a crazy scientist who drops geekbombs when no one is expecting it, I fish and hunt a lot, and I try to keep the ladies here entertained while we all wait for our miracles. The last 5 weeks, I haven't been very active, because 4 of those week involved either my ILs or my parents visiting. Next week I'm likely to be a bit twitchy, because my DH is on the slope and we're waiting to find out if he manages to get back before I O. Here's hoping clomid delays my O by just enough to do the trick! 

    I am so very glad you intro'd and decided to join our community. 

    AMA over 40
    Massive uterine fibroids removed 3/06
    BFP 1/11; MM/C discovered @ 10w, loss at 6w; Cytotec
    B/W 7/11 = normal CD3, FSH 8.9; 7DPO progesterone 1.7
    Three Clomid cycles, all BFN, Off to an RE for me...
    FSH=8.7 E2=30 AMH=1.8 HSG clear, SA=great
    Inj. IUI #1 12/9/11 BFN, Inj. IUI #2 1/6/12 BFN
    Inj. IUI #3 1/30/12 BFP!, HCG doubled through 6w, 7w u/s mm/c twins
    Factor V Leiden, Hetero, symptomatic
    Op Hysteroscopy 5/12, removed scar tissue and uterine septum
    Doing Cryo-DE IVF 
    Beautiful hatching 5-blast transfered 8/30
    BFP 9/7/12 EDD May 19, 2013
    A/S on 12/21/12, Petra's having a baby, it's the end of the world!
    Pebbles arrived safe and sound 4/13. Placenta accreta found.
    Op hysteroscopy 2/7, reopen ute/remove adhesions from accreta
    Found severe Ashermans. Fuuuuuuu... Repeat Op Hyst in March.
    Op Hyst ver 3.0 looks good so far, find out if it worked in June.
    Finally got the damn IUD out. Waiting to stop bleeding.
    SIS shows rippled funky shaped ute, but given clearance to begin sFET calendar.
    Here goes everything...
    sFET#2 BFP, ended in m/c.
    Waiting for the next Op Hysteroscopy to find out what next.
    Scratch that, retained tissue. 3rd Cytotec round.
    Another damn Op Hyst. Found and removed retained tissue.
    Pathology returned fine, no molar. Cleared for final attempt after next cycle.

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    "Petra, you are an obese 40+ year old. Stop jumping through these hoops. Just adopt already. There is no shame in that." -Deethebee
  • WOWWWW!!! so much pain that you all have gone through. My heart goes out to you all.  

    Thank you all for responding.  It is going to take me a bit of time to get thru all the histories to get to know you girls.  

    It is quite sad that people have to meet under these horrific circumstances, but there is some comfort knowing that you are not the only one that goes through tragedies of all kind, and knowing THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND!!

    it really helps to speak with people who know what you are going through. Friends and family really are great and loving and supportive, but if you havent gone through it, it is hard to related and it's hard knowing what to day.  People still don't know what to say to me after 9 months!

     

    I'm not feeling so great at the moment so heading to bed. I will be back though!! MUAHH!!!

    p.s. I would love to hear more about the insulin resistance and what the docs told you.  Years ago they told me I had it, but no cysts or anything and no PCOS... THANKS!!

    night all! 

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