June 2011 Moms

Feeling like a single parent

Since DS was born, DH hasn't done much of anything to help me with the baby, it's a constant fight to get DH to hold him. I get that he works long hours to pay the bills right now, but is it really that hard to just hold him while you lay on the couch and relax from work? I seem to be doing everything myself, all the house work and rasing DS. DH hasn't once gotten up at night to feed or change the baby, and is constant battle to get him to do anything with DS, its actually really sad. If I ask DH to watch the baby so I can shower or something, he just sticks a binky in his mouth and puts him in the swing and goes back to the computer.

 Anyone dealing with the same thing or have any ideas on how to deal with this?

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Re: Feeling like a single parent

  • I'm having pretty much the same experience.  DH is pretty good about taking DS if I ask him to, but when he changes him or fixes his bottle it takes him sooo long and DS ends up screaming at the top of his lungs before he's changed/fed.  I try to just let DH do it so he'll get good, but it just frustrates me.  He also doesn't do any of the housework.  He works and so I've been getting up with DS while I'm on maternity leave, but feeling a little overwhelmed!
  • ((hugs)) I'm sorry your DH hasn't been helping. DH is absolutely crazy in love with our LO but nighttime used to be a different story. DH stayed at home from work for the first 2 weeks after Liv was born. He was very helpful even at night but after that, I think he thought working gave him the pass to sleep through DD's crying at night to feed or whatever. I tried to suck it up and be the good understanding wife but between breastfeeding, burping, changing diaper, rocking her back to sleep then pumping, I was finally exhausted and I started to resent him. I finally told him he needed to help out more at night and I was mad when he said I should wake him up and ask for his help. But I was stubborn and thought if he really wanted to help, he would wake up to Liv's cry or set his alarm like I did. So he continued to sleep through the night and a few days later I get mad again and have the talk with him again. From then on, he seemed to be more sensitive to DD's cry at night and he gets up for her to help out. If he doesn't get up because he's sleeping so soundly, I would wake him to tell him what I need. This is working for us now. I still wish he would wake up on his own so that I don't have to feel guilty waking him myself but I have to remind myself that the guy was used to sleeping 10hours every night before the baby! And maybe he just doesn't have the maternal instinct that wakes me up with the slightest peep that LO makes at night.

    So point being, have you tried talking with him and letting him know that you need him to help out more? Maybe he thinks that you're doing just fine without his help?
    GL and I hope you sort it out with him.

    ETA: In my case, I really have to just ask him for help and not wait for him to take initiative because I don't want to keep resenting him. Not a healthy way to live. 

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  • You may have to spell out for him what it means to "watch" the baby.  DH and I had to have that conversation.  I was especially mad when LO was awake and alert, and DH just kept him in the bouncer and gave him a paci while he played video games.  I think DH thought that as long as LO wasn't crying, he was doing his job.  I explained how important it is for us to interact with LO during the few times a day he's actually alert.
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  • I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I was in a sort of similar situation when Kaydence first got home but he is coming around. Although I am not afraid to tell him how it is and how it should be (not saying you are).
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  • I've been dealing with the same thing, in fact I've told my h twice that I feel like a single parent. He just started a new job and is working a lot, last week we didn't even see him from Mon-Thurs (he's a pharmacist, not like he's got a job that requires him to be away from home) He leaves before we are up and comes home after we are in bed. He has yet to change a diaper or get up a single time with her. He sleeps in the guest room a lot. I get that he can't be tired at work, people are depending on him to not make mistakes with prescriptions so I don't really care about him sleeping in the guest room. Its been frustrating though. Since I never see him, I sent him a long email spelling out my feelings and frustrations. Some of it had to do with helping around the house and he has improved on that. I just don't know how to manage this when I go back to work, my job requires me to be on top of things too so its going to be interesting. I wish I could be a sahm!
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  • I've been dealing with the same thing.  I know that I need to have a conversation with DH about it but am just trying to figure out how to do it.  He steps up to help when I ask him but I need to actually ask him.  He is self-employed and can set his own hours.  But, it's really obnoxious when I'm up in the mornings and hear his alarm going off every five minutes for two hours (no joke).
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