Baby Showers

Money Tree at a Shower?

PLEASE, don't get on here and post if you're just going to troll and tell me im tacky ....  there's backstory ok?   My husband was unemployed for over two years and has a small job now but we are just now getting a savings built up again (like not even over 1000 yet and dd will be here in two months) we REALLY need essentials for our baby not the cutesy stuff you usually get at showers.  

 So my mother and sister and m-i-l are throwing me and my husband a baby shower (it's our first)  and most of the things we need for the baby can't be bought at target or wal-mart, like cloth diapers for instance.  My cousin who has a one year old and is wonderful donated all her old baby clothes to me so we're set on all the cutesy stuff, we're going to co-sleep (so we don't need crib type stuff), we are very frugal and practical and will be raising our daughter without all the so called "essential baby gear" because we really can't afford that.  Please don't judge that's just how we've had to survive for the past 2+ years and how we will have to for awhile longer as well.  That's how ppl lived back in the day and that's how we survive.

SO, my question is, I know ppl get all bent out of shape about baby shower etiquette, has anyone done or encountered anything similar, and if so how did it go?

Also, is there a "polite" way to mention a money tree on an invitation?  I had thought about putting something along the lines of: Mom and Dad aren't registered anywhere but would love gifts of baby essentials and donations of money to help cover the costs of cloth diapering........   i dunno, someone suggested to me that a cute poem would make it less "rude" to ask for something specific.  

what do you think? 

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Re: Money Tree at a Shower?

  • Asking people for money is never okay. People are already coming to your shower and bringing gifts, and you're going to shake them down for cash, too? 

    A cute poem NEVER makes something less rude.  

    I am sorry that you are in tough financial circumstances, but you and your husband chose to have a child despite your financial situation. 

    Good for you for knowing that you don't need a million gadgets and gizmos for your child. Register for what you need.  Return things that people buy you that you don't need.  Use Craigslist, garage sales and flea markets to buy what you don't receive.  My mom is the master of flea markets and garage sales.  Our daughter has so many toys that my mom picked up for really cheap that are like new.  

     But please, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT ask your friends and family for money.  Ever. It is not okay. Even less okay when they are already bringing a gift.

    A shower is a celebration for the mom to be, not a fundraiser.

     

     

     

  • This is never appropriate at a shower.  I feel like it is in even poorer taste to explain to your guests that it is because of your financial situation that you are making the request.  
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  • image danilynn17:

    I am sorry that you are in tough financial circumstances, but you and your husband chose to have a child despite your financial situation. 

    This.  Your story does nothing to change my mind that asking for money is RUDE.  You're so fricking broke that you have to ask people to give you money, but yet you think having a child is a smart financial move? 

     

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  • The fact that you so frequently asked people not to flame you for this implies you already know what the answer to your question will be.

    It's very admirable that you are going to make it through your tough time with the bare essentials- most people would buy to the moon and back on credit and never be able to pay it off.  You're smart enough to realize you can raise your baby without all the extras.

    However, it's simply not okay to ask for cash, period.  I would put together a small registry of JUST the essentials (btw, a lot of places DO sell cloth diapers that you can register for).  Then you're at least giving your guests a selection and directing them to a specific store.  You can then return whatever you don't need and get other things you might need more, instead. 

  • You CAN register for cloth diapers.  I registered at diapers.com.  

     Also-MH and I are in the same situation as you and your DH, but I would NEVER ask for money. 

  • I agree with PPs that you shouldn't ask for money. However, I see nothing wrong with registering for the essentials you mention and am not sure why you don't think they sell them in stores. I just saw cloth diapers at Walmart yesterday, and they certainly have other necessary items like a carseat, diaper creams, bottles, swaddle blankets, etc. Not to mention their prices are very reasonable, so I bet you'd get a good deal of what you need if you register there.
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  • image EastCoastBride:
    image danilynn17:

    I am sorry that you are in tough financial circumstances, but you and your husband chose to have a child despite your financial situation. 

    This.  Your story does nothing to change my mind that asking for money is RUDE.  You're so fricking broke that you have to ask people to give you money, but yet you think having a child is a smart financial move? 

     

    Thanks for the financial responsibility chat, but since neither of you know me I might add that my pregnancy was not planned, I'd been on bc for over 3 years and never missed a pill.  I find it funny you can be so judgmental while lecturing me about being rude. 

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  • A baby needs a safe place to sleep (please don't say your bed), clean clothes, diapers, food and minimal feeding accessories, and +/- carseat/carrier/stroller.  Everything else is just icing on the cake.  There is no graceful way to ask for money but you can create a registry where you have specific cloth diapers listed as a suggestion.  You can do it through amazon's universal registry or several other sites.  And you made it sound like you're not working, which means it can be your job to find cheap second hand essentials that you need.

    Most of us have money trouble at some point in our lives and having a child definitely adds to the strain.   But there's no way to ask for a cash hand-out from friends and family without coming across as tacky, poems or prose.

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  • image MamaHerman:

    You CAN register for cloth diapers.  I registered at diapers.com.  

     Also-MH and I are in the same situation as you and your DH, but I would NEVER ask for money. 

    thanks, I'll have to check that out. :)  The only reason I would hesitate to do something like that is I know most of my family would rather give me something that day (even if it is money) than ordering stuff from online. 

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  • Even if you are living on the streets, it is not okay to do this.  It sounds like you've already come up with some great ways to cut costs.  The only way to get people to help you out financially is to start complaining about how little money you have.  But that might just get on people's nerves too.  It sounds like you are very overwhelmed with your finances and the idea that your baby is coming so soon.  Try to take a deep breath and relax.  Money will come.   You will find ways to save.  Hospital bills will probably be the most expensive thing.  I think our out of pocket expenses were about $4000 per kid (I had a c section so that might make it more).  I think most hospitals will work with you and let you make payments.  Also, if you are in a temporary situation with work and need money, there are programs to help you and your family, like food banks and other things.  It's okay to ask for help.  Does anyone in your family have some money they can lend you if you need it?  Also, about the essentials, keep talking to people.  See if you borrow a swing, bouncy seat, and other things that you need.  My DH and I shop consignment sales a lot.  You can get some really good deals.  We bought our swing on CL and it works fine.
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  • image osnola88:
    Thanks for the financial responsibility chat, but since neither of you know me I might add that my pregnancy was not planned, I'd been on bc for over 3 years and never missed a pill.  I find it funny you can be so judgmental while lecturing me about being rude. 

    True or false: it is the parents responsibility to take care of and provide for their child?

    I'm not being judgmental. I'm stating a fact.  If you think your family and friends is obligated to financially bail you out of the situation you got yourself into (I don't care if it was an accident- you have sex, you run the risk of getting pregnant. As you now know, no BC method is 100% effective).

    Damn straight that I am judging you on being so entitled so as to think that you can receive gifts from friends and family, AND ASK FOR MONEY from them, too. And yes, I am judging you b/c you think that a cutesy poem alleviates the rudeness.  That's ridiculous, no matter what your circumstances are.  If you're that desperate, there are a ton of social service agencies out there that can help you.

     

  • image osnola88:
    we're going to co-sleep (so we don't need crib type stuff)

    Where is the baby going to nap?

  • image osnola88:
    image MamaHerman:

    You CAN register for cloth diapers.  I registered at diapers.com.  

     Also-MH and I are in the same situation as you and your DH, but I would NEVER ask for money. 

    thanks, I'll have to check that out. :)  The only reason I would hesitate to do something like that is I know most of my family would rather give me something that day (even if it is money) than ordering stuff from online. 

    Using a registry like diapers.com or a universal registry like amazon doesn't mean they can't 'give you' something that day.  They have it shipped to their own house and wrap it for you for the shower.  That simple.

     

  • image danilynn17:

    image osnola88:
    we're going to co-sleep (so we don't need crib type stuff)

    Where is the baby going to nap?

    Please read up on co-sleeping and make sure you do it SAFELY.  Not just putting the baby in your bed w/ you w/ no safety measures. 

     

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • image EastCoastBride:
    image danilynn17:

    image osnola88:
    we're going to co-sleep (so we don't need crib type stuff)

    Where is the baby going to nap?

    Please read up on co-sleeping and make sure you do it SAFELY.  Not just putting the baby in your bed w/ you w/ no safety measures. 

     

     

    Not to mention that co-sleeping may not work for them.  It would never work in my house.  DH moves around a ton in his sleep, and I am a light sleeper who loves covers and pillows.

     

  • image danilynn17:

    image osnola88:
    Thanks for the financial responsibility chat, but since neither of you know me I might add that my pregnancy was not planned, I'd been on bc for over 3 years and never missed a pill.  I find it funny you can be so judgmental while lecturing me about being rude. 

    True or false: it is the parents responsibility to take care of and provide for their child?

    I'm not being judgmental. I'm stating a fact.  If you think your family and friends is obligated to financially bail you out of the situation you got yourself into (I don't care if it was an accident- you have sex, you run the risk of getting pregnant. As you now know, no BC method is 100% effective).

    Damn straight that I am judging you on being so entitled so as to think that you can receive gifts from friends and family, AND ASK FOR MONEY from them, too. And yes, I am judging you b/c you think that a cutesy poem alleviates the rudeness.  That's ridiculous, no matter what your circumstances are.  If you're that desperate, there are a ton of social service agencies out there that can help you.

     

     

    Look, I'm not trying to pick a fight, I just got on here to ask a question and I don't think it's right for ppl to bring the hammer down, so to speak, on someone they know nothing about.  

    Yes, it is my responsibility to care for my child.  No, I do not think it is anyone's responsibility to bail me out of anything, I'm an adult and have done well enough thus far in my life.  I don't think I am entitled to anything in life (being unemployed for 2+ years should be enough to teach anyone that).  I was only asking a question but your tone implies you are mortally appalled that I even asked and I resent that, that's what these boards are for, asking questions. sheesh!

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  • image weddingbells2010:
    image osnola88:
    image MamaHerman:

    You CAN register for cloth diapers.  I registered at diapers.com.  

     Also-MH and I are in the same situation as you and your DH, but I would NEVER ask for money. 

    thanks, I'll have to check that out. :)  The only reason I would hesitate to do something like that is I know most of my family would rather give me something that day (even if it is money) than ordering stuff from online. 

    Using a registry like diapers.com or a universal registry like amazon doesn't mean they can't 'give you' something that day.  They have it shipped to their own house and wrap it for you for the shower.  That simple.

     

    oh, haha, duh.  brain fart moment.  I will definitely have to check that out then. thanks! 

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  • image osnola88:

    Yes, it is my responsibility to care for my child.  No, I do not think it is anyone's responsibility to bail me out of anything, I'm an adult and have done well enough thus far in my life.  I don't think I am entitled to anything in life (being unemployed for 2+ years should be enough to teach anyone that).  I was only asking a question but your tone implies you are mortally appalled that I even asked and I resent that, that's what these boards are for, asking questions. sheesh!

    Oh come on.  Dont' start back-peddling now.  Your OP asks about how to tell people you're doing a money tree.  Not "is it o.k. to do one?". It's "how do I tell people I'm doing one?". 

    So yes, this does make you seem to feel that you EXPECT others (i.e. entitled) to help you out.  If you didn't, you wouldn't even be considering a money tree.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Maybe you can create a diapers.com registry and then have a very small registry at Target for those that do not shop online? You will need diaper wipes, diaper cream, a carseat, baby tylenol (and the like) and likely a few other items that you could add to a Target registry. You can also register for target giftcards (some people find this tacky, but I have often given a gift card when I see them on a baby registry).

     

    Good luck. I'm sure you are already saving as much as you can - keep it up! 

     

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  • image EastCoastBride:
    image danilynn17:

    image osnola88:
    we're going to co-sleep (so we don't need crib type stuff)

    Where is the baby going to nap?

    Please read up on co-sleeping and make sure you do it SAFELY.  Not just putting the baby in your bed w/ you w/ no safety measures. 

     

     

    I have read extensively on the subject  :)  as for naps we are saving up to get a pack-n-play bassinet/playpen thing. 

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  • image osnola88:

    Look, I'm not trying to pick a fight, I just got on here to ask a question and I don't think it's right for ppl to bring the hammer down, so to speak, on someone they know nothing about.  

    What don't we know about? I know plenty about how asking for money is rude.  It doesn't matter what your situation is - it's rude in any circumstance.  

    BTW, you can't dictate how people respond to your posts.  If you're not prepare to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly, don't post on a public message board. Particularly when you already know that what you want to do is highly frowned upon.

  • Yeah, sorry OP, but I have to agree with the other ladies here. Your backstory doesn't help your case at all. Don't do the money tree. Do exactly what everyone else is suggesting - register for what you need (and geez I hope that includes some kind of sleeping device for your LO), return/sell what you don't want, and bargain hunt for the rest.

    Random thought from my soapbox - It bothers the heck out of me when people say/imply that it's somehow okay or they shouldn't be blamed for having an "unplanned pregnancy" during tough financial times when they can't really afford a baby. Sex = babies, plain and simple. If you can't afford a baby, then don't have sex, even with the BC. And if you choose to have sex, then please God don't say, "But it was unplanned and I was on BC, so I'm not really irresponsible." Okay, stepping off my soapbox now.

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  • image Estwd2:

    Yeah, sorry OP, but I have to agree with the other ladies here. Your backstory doesn't help your case at all. Don't do the money tree. Do exactly what everyone else is suggesting - register for what you need (and geez I hope that includes some kind of sleeping device for your LO), return/sell what you don't want, and bargain hunt for the rest.

    Random thought from my soapbox - It bothers the heck out of me when people say/imply that it's somehow okay or they shouldn't be blamed for having an "unplanned pregnancy" during tough financial times when they can't really afford a baby. Sex = babies, plain and simple. If you can't afford a baby, then don't have sex, even with the BC. And if you choose to have sex, then please God don't say, "But it was unplanned and I was on BC, so I'm not really irresponsible." Okay, stepping off my soapbox now.

    All of this and I'm going to take it one step further so prepare to hate me-

    An unplanned pregnancy does not have to equal raising a child you can't afford.  Abortion would have been a perfectly safe, legal option at the beginning of your pregnancy.  You clearly decided against that, but adoption is still an option.

    I'm not saying that you should give your child up, what I am saying is that you had and have other options, so don't pretend it's ok to ask other people for money.  If you're going to keep this baby that means accepting responsibility.  Be thankful that you are having a shower and for whatever gifts you get, do not ask your guests for money.  Plain & simple, it is never ok.

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  • Ok everyone, I get it.  I did know when I posted that some ppl think it's rude but I also know of others that aren't bothered by it at all and I was curious what the latter might suggest.  I guess I didn't expect everyone's reactions to be so bothered by it across the board and I don't feel like arguing over the internet about my life choice of not abstaining from sex with my husband for two entire years.  If I keep arguing it'll just keep going.  Thanks for the suggestions of online registries, going to check those out now.

     

    peace 

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  • bsmeadbsmead
    Fifth Anniversary
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    We were broke when our first son came rather unexpectantly.
    My friends/family threw us a shower.  I registered for the necessities and then after my shower my mom came over and we went through all the stuff to figure out what we NEEDED, and what was "extra"  we took all the extra back, and put the money on gift cards so when we needed something unexpectedly later on, we could use it.  (even if that meant that we needed to buy some groceries that week, etc)  People who WANT to give you money, will give you money.  People who WANT to give you gift cards, will do that-- even walmart and target giftcards can be used to buy groceries, medicines, used at the pharmacy, gas, etc. 

     I agree, dont do a money tree. 

    Where I come from, no one really buys you much off your registry anyway, so just keep that basic and borrow what you can. 

    Mothers of little boys work from son up to son down.

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  • image osnola88:

    I did know when I posted that some ppl think it's rude but I also know of others that aren't bothered by it at all and I was curious what the latter might suggest.

    Don't kid yourself.  It's not "some" people.  It's MANY people.  And realize too that it's a LOT easier to be honest w/ a total anonymous stranger than it is w/ your friend, daughter, sister, or what have you. 

    As in - if these people that you know that aren't bothered by it - if it's people you know IRL, it's a LOT harder for them to say to your face "yeah - I think it's rude to ask people for money". 

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    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I understand the difficulty in the fact that this was not a planned pregnancy, and I sympathize with your situation.  However, if you have to ask us not to flame you, you know the answer to your question.  Register for the things you need - cloth diapers can most certainly be registered for.  Friends and family who are close to you likely know your financial situation (at least in a general sense) and will give you things you need versus the cutesy stuff.  I always take into account a friend's general financial situation when deciding what to purchase for a shower gift.

    Like the PP have said...there is absolutely no polite/non-tacky way to ask people for cash.

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  • hocushocus
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    I've never heard of a money tree at a shower, only at a wedding and no I don't think there is going to be a way for you to mention it without it being very tacky and turning people off.

    I get that times are tough, and that showers that are practical are far more helpful than showers where you get a lot of clothing. However there is no polite way to ASK people to bring specific things unless they ask you what you want. I think not registering will work against you, since "essentials" is a pretty vague term. As far as cloth diapers -- you can register for them on Amazon. (I know because I bought cloth diapers off someone's registry). They don't have every brand available but they certainly have a reasonable set of options.

    FWIW you do need a place for the baby to sleep during the day. Co-sleeping works fine at night, but you'll need a bed rail. crib, pnp, or something for when you're not in the bed with the baby.

    I think that you'll find you'll be happier if you assume that you have to get all the basics yourself and if you treat your showers a "bonus".

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  • image Estwd2:

    Yeah, sorry OP, but I have to agree with the other ladies here. Your backstory doesn't help your case at all. Don't do the money tree. Do exactly what everyone else is suggesting - register for what you need (and geez I hope that includes some kind of sleeping device for your LO), return/sell what you don't want, and bargain hunt for the rest.

    Random thought from my soapbox - It bothers the heck out of me when people say/imply that it's somehow okay or they shouldn't be blamed for having an "unplanned pregnancy" during tough financial times when they can't really afford a baby. Sex = babies, plain and simple. If you can't afford a baby, then don't have sex, even with the BC. And if you choose to have sex, then please God don't say, "But it was unplanned and I was on BC, so I'm not really irresponsible." Okay, stepping off my soapbox now.

    Yes x 1,000%!

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  • If there's nothing that you'd like to register for and you don't want to run the risk (so to speak) of "cutesy stuff", then ask whomever has offered to host a shower to host a no-gifts luncheon instead.  That way you get to celebrate the new baby with friends and family in a way that is perfectly appropriate.

    New moms often need support (babysitting, a listening ear, a "been there, done that" for baby questions, etc.).  The very last thing you would want to do is to alienate your entire support network with something offensive just before you have the baby - and that's what I think folks on here are trying to prevent.

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