Pregnant after 35

Need advice from mature women b/c I'm being a brat. Long.

OK.  I am being a complete brat.  I know this.  Even my bestie very timidly pointed out to me yesterday that I may be a bit hormonal and may be overreacting.  So, I need some advice.

My MIL has nothing but good intentions.  She is a lovely woman and I really want and need to have a good a loving relationship with her.  We come from completely different backgrounds (racially, socio-economically, religiously, etc...)  In fact, we could not be more different.

So - two things have happened.  I am normally someone who can ignore/forgive/forget when I've been 'done wrong'.  I don't hold grudges for the most part.  However, these two incidents have needled their way under my skin and I can't seem to let it go.

1.) My BFF of 20 + years passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago.  It was awful and I did not handle it well.  I did this scary depression spiral and could barely get myself out of bed.  I cried constantly and felt (still do) that a piece of me died with her that day.  She was the love of my life, my soul mate, my biggest fan.  So, I'm in the deepest depths of this depression.  I'm barely able to breathe without it hurting and I'm facing the 1 year mark of her passing.  My MIL comes to talk to me.  She tells me that I need to get over this, I need to move on, etc....Then she proceeds to tell me that the longer I grieve for my friend, the longer it will take for her soul to find peace. 

ugh. Punch in the gut.  Seriously.  I don't believe the same way that she does but it was still an awful feeling.  On top of everything else, I had the guilt that I wasn't letting BFF's soul pass on!  I know she didn't mean it in an unkind way but it was the cruelest thing anyone could have said to me at that time.

Then, recently:

2.)  When we announced our pregnancy, I made these cute onesies.  On the front they said, "I <3Grandma Mary" and on the tooshie, "Introducing Baby Smith, December 2011"  They were really cute. 

Instead of saying something like, "cute" or "what a great idea" or "I like the colors you used" or something positive she says, "Thank God you aren't naming the baby Jones".  Jones is my last name.  I never changed it when I got married.  Slap in the face to me and slap in the face to my kooky family. 

So, if you've made it this far,  Thanks.  But, really, what am I supposed to do here?  I can't let these two things go. I really can't.  I know I need to, I should.  I really don't think talking to her will help.  She is "set in her ways" so to speak and I really don't think it will be effective.

What would you do?  I have got to get over this for the sake my myself, my DH and her 1st grandchild.  Being angry like this isn't healthy.

~Married 11/08~
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.

TTC#2 for a few months naturally (ha!)
~IUI#1, Clomid, Trigger,  10/13 - BFN
~IUI#2, Femera, Ovidrel, 11/13




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Re: Need advice from mature women b/c I'm being a brat. Long.

  • I understand where you're coming from. Although I don't have a monster-in-law, my sister does and we chat about these sorts of things often. Sorry you're going through the stress and emotional torment you've listed. It must be hard and you're right, being prego doesn't make it easier!!!!

    It sounds like you want some validation for what you've gone through (e.g. friend you lost) and what you've accomplished (e.g. making onesies and thoughtfully including MIL etc.). It also sounds like your MIL isn't the sort who will be validating for whatever reason. Keeping in mind, you listed many times, "I want/need a good relationship with her" and "I know I need to, I should" let things go. Are you holding on to these 'grudges' (as you stated) for reasons outside of the relationship? Do you feel as though you give up some of your control to this MIL due to her temperament? Do you feel as though you need to please her for the relationship to be healthy? I think if you start to explore the issues aside from the topical stuff (e.g. there's more beneath the story than the story itself), I'm sure you'll find some of the answers you need to deal with your MIL. I'm a firm believer that you don't have to like family members, In-laws etc., but I do feel I should be appropriate around them (which it appears you are). Good luck. I hope you find some solace soon.

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  • I think maybe you should revise your expectations about the kind of relationship you want to have with her.  She sounds like she has some problems being sensitive to other people's feelings.  It might be safer to try to aim for a cordial, friendly relationship, but not a terribly close one.  If it were me, I would let the hurtful stuff she has said so far slide, and whenever she adds another new doozie, just file it under "MIL has no buffer."

    I don't think you are being oversensitive.

    Missing someone you love and lost does *not* keep them from moving on.

    The onesies sound like they were super cute! 

    You are likely to be eaten by a grue. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image
  • Geeps2Geeps2
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    First so sorry about the loss of your best friend.  I can understand why you were so devestated by her loss and why your MIL's comments really stung.  From your description it sounds like in her own way she was maybe worried about you but instead of saying something that you needed to hear she pulled out the tough love speech.  If she isn't a terrible shrew I would just chalk it up to coming from a good place but really not understanding the depths of your loss and just how broken your heart was.  Maybe she thought if she said something comforting you would continue to be depressed?  We all have been through losses and you come to realize even the best of intentioned people say some really stupid and hurtful things when trying to be comforting.  If it were me I would accept that what she said wasn't right but she was trying to help move me forward in the only way she knew how and I would let it go.

    Also I do understand the frustration of your MIL not responding the way you would like/need her to when you announced your pregnancy (super cute idea BTW)  When we were pregnant the first time my DH was so excited he called her and told her right away and her response was "shouldn't you be waiting a while to tell me this, a lot can happen."  It took the wind out of my DHs sails and mine because this is the 1st grandchild for them.  Unfortunatley we had a miscarriage and to my shock and surpirse she was very caring and wonderful and found out she had a MC right before she became pregnant again with my husband.  This time around he called her again right away and she was still not excited really.  She would ask how I was or how Drs appts went when I saw her but no real emotion from her.  One day we were at her house and my H said "Mom the baby is as big as a blueberry today."  He was all excited and all he got from her was an eyeroll.  I wanted to slap her in the head!!!!

    I can't tell you what to do but what I am doing is just accepting that she is generally coming from a good place but she just doesn't get it sometimes.  I make the decision to ignore her when she is aggrivating me or not acting in a way that I would have liked for her to.  My husband is very close with his family as I am with mine and I don't want to jepordize that relationship. 

    I am dreading when the baby comes because I know there will be not intentional hurtful comments or things that will grate on my nerves but I am choosing to let it go for the sake of a good relationship.  I keep reminding myself that I can not change her I can only change my reaction to her.  If I allow her to get under my skin then the problem is mine not hers.  Like with the eyeroll mentioned above, it pissed me off for a second but then I just reminded myself that it isn't my problem it is hers and I am going to be excited about my blueberry sized baby and its her loss if she doesn't want to participate in the excitement.

    If it was something that really bothered me or was super hurtful I would say something to her myself or have my H say something if I didn't feel comfortable but basically I decided to just let it roll off my back and keep on keepin on.

    Good luck it is never easy to deal with people who aren't how you would like or need them to be. 

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.  I don't know that there's a set amount of time for you to "get over" losing someone you're close with.  My grandmother passed away 14 years ago and I still cry sometimes when I think of her. 

    As for your MIL, I think the best thing for you to do is nothing.  Try your best to ignore these obviously insensitive comments from her.  My MIL is not that bad, but she does say whatever pops in her head, which sometimes is not the most sensitive thing or even close.  After we come back from visiting them I vent to a friend of mine about things she's said and then I let it go.  It's the only way I'm going to be able to continue to go down there without holding grudges. 

    One other thing that may help, when I was going through IF, I talked to my Pastor when I was in a really bad depression.  He said something to me that has stuck and actually helped me put things in perpective.  He said that he heard me say a lot of things that were expectations.  Things I expected to have happen, things I expected my husband to do or say, etc.  He said that expectations are dangerous things because people/situations almost never live up to those expectations.  Thinking that through really helps me put things in perspective and helps me move on from things that bother me like that.

    Sorry, that was really long.  Good luck to you!

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  • My beloved mother passed away after a horrible fight with breast cancer.  My dad asks me, not even a few months later, "So, you over your mom's death yet?"  WTH?!  I had to let it go, and I mean truly.  My mom's passing taught me life is short.  Holding onto to moments when people get diarreah of the mouth is only holding you back.  She's probably forgotten she even said anything.

    As far as the t-shirts....super cute!

  • image clipingirl:

    It sounds like you want some validation for what you've gone through (e.g. friend you lost) and what you've accomplished (e.g. making onesies and thoughtfully including MIL etc.).

    Possibly.?.  I don't really need anything from her and I think this is the root of the issue.  She has raised, shall we say...umm....three very devoted(?) boys.  I wasn't raised like this - I'm very independent and live 5,000 miles away from my family.  I think because my family isn't here, she forgets about them.  I laughed during one converstaion and asked her, "MIL - do you think I was hatched from an egg?  I have a family, too."   She truly does not understand my independence at all.  And I can't understand her need to parent her 40yo son.

    As far as validation for losing my friend - again, maybe.  I'll have to let that one sink in for a bit.  I was a mess; I was scaring myself and my DH.  For as long as I could remember, I had never dealt with anything w/o BFF and I had no idea what to do without her.   I think MIL was only trying to help but telling me to move on at that point was terrible and in my opinion very cruel.  I still miss BFF - esp now that I'm PG.  I cannot ever forsee a day that will pass that I won't miss her.  I haven't moved passed it, I've moved around it.  And that's good enough for now.

     Are you holding on to these 'grudges' (as you stated) for reasons outside of the relationship? Do you feel as though you give up some of your control to this MIL due to her temperament? Do you feel as though you need to please her for the relationship to be healthy?

    Um.  Yes and Yes.  I feel like if I do things that make her happy, I'm letting a little piece of myself give in to her; like it's some sort of sick contest and I'm losing.    Changing my name, for example.  At first I didn't do it because I didn't get out of bed for 6 mos (BFF died 1 week before my wedding so changing my name - I didn't care). I haven't changed it recently because I've decided I don't want their family name - I want to carry the one I was born with.  It makes MIL crazy, apparently.  To be fair, it makes my mother just as nuts. 

     I'm a firm believer that you don't have to like family members, In-laws etc., but I do feel I should be appropriate around them (which it appears you are). Good luck. I hope you find some solace soon.

    Thanks and I agree 100%.  I've tried hard to keep things peaceful and civil.  Really great advice.

    ~Married 11/08~
    ~TTC since 01/09~
    ~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
    ~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
    ~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
    ~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
    ~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
    ~BFN - 02/11~
    ~IUI #1 03/15/11~
    BFP 3/28/2011
    Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
    Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
    Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.

    TTC#2 for a few months naturally (ha!)
    ~IUI#1, Clomid, Trigger,  10/13 - BFN
    ~IUI#2, Femera, Ovidrel, 11/13




    image




  • Just sending you a virtual hug *HUG HUG HUG*! Hang in there. I just had a convo. with my DH tonight about how challenging life is!!!!!! Geeeeez! I s'pose we all face things in our own way. To me, you sound very reasonable.
    Pregnancy Ticker image image
  • um, yeah ... i might be mature in years, but not so much in the bratty dept.

    i wish i could let things go, but there isn't a dead horse that i don't relish kicking ... sometimes for decades.

    i'm not saying that this is a good way to be, in fact i'm sure i'd be a lot happier if i could let things go.  but alas ... i'm still pissed at my mother for what she said after my first drivers test ... when i was 17 ... i'm now 42.  maybe it's time to move on?  nah, works for me.

    now onto you.  since both of these incidents have passed, and she probably hasn't thought about them for a second ... i think it might be a little hard to address them with her.  what i would do (and it's not very mature) is come up with a good come back so the next time she says something so inappropriate, you are prepared.  it will give you satisfaction and allow the previous wrongs to have less power.  i might say something like "wow, that isn't a very (nice, christian, sensitive, forgiving, etc) thing to say, i hope you really don't mean that"

    feel free to totally ignore me since you were looking for a mature way to handle this.  i'm a brat .. no apologies.

  • Wow. Okyou and your MIL have issues with territory and upperhand. But not knowing her background ethnic/age I am guessing like my mom old world German who whould give out gentle? but tough love to shake me out of a funk. 

    I understand grieving. My dad died in  '96 from lung CA and it near killed me. Taught me though to re-evaluate life to see the bigger picture and what was really important in life. 

    For your sake and the babies you have to get a grip on the grief and the MIL stres please don't take this the wrong way but a counselor may be of some help. Or clergy if you rather. But someone  unattached to you who can give you tools to defuse your stress and deal as well as just listen. 

    and yes the baby and hormones are making all of this harder.

    I have to admit I heard some terrible crap after my dad died like get over it after just one month. I kept morning the fact that I drove 8 hours to see him before he died and got there at 11pm then exhausted and my lil one was 2 I listened and went to sleep to see him in the morning and he died at 2am. I never got to hug him and tell him I loved him one more time. Sick I know but it haunted me so badly. Finally my best friend gave me the only comforting words after my year of grieving and said " honestly do you think there was ever a day your dad did not know you loved him or felt your love for him" "no I replied as we talked every day evenafter I moved 411 miles away and we said I love you to each other everyday" "ok then he knows...and he still loves you too" still gets me teary eyed and it has been 15 years.

    You will have to for your baby put your grief on the back burner or in a more important spot. Your baby's health depends on low stress. Let the love you and your special friend shared be something special you can share with your baby. Maybe make an album of special moments or a diary of special stories you can read to the baby later to let her know the great place a wonderful friend can take in your life. You were blessed in your lifetime to have someone so special in your life it might be better to put your grief into honoring her life instead of grieving her death. It will always make you sad and make you cry but it will also give you solace to know you had her in your life at all and that made you a special person and better for having known her.

    On the MIL just let it slide. OR do what I do in my hormonal fits and have it out. Either way it will suck. lol. If you can find a gentle way to approach her tell her how she is hurting you and you want to be close to her but it is hurting. She will either soften or shut up. dunno.

    good luck

    I am personally dreading telling my family. They will think I am nuts at this age having a baby. oh well.  

    IAmPregnant Ticker BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • give it time, a lot of time if you need to, but just give it time.  I don't think you are a brat.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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