3rd Trimester

Is it ok to throw your own baby shower?

My mother's friends are throwing me a baby shower but are not inviting any of my friends and i have already promised them they could come. I do not want to offend my friends and i really would love to have on with my friends there so should I just throw my own? Im stumped please give your opinions thanks!!
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Re: Is it ok to throw your own baby shower?

  • If it were me, I would have a gathering of my friends that are not invited.  I may not call it a shower per se, but they would get the idea.
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  • You'll likely get a lot of negative responses to this, but no, it is not okay to throw your own shower. I would tell your friends," I really apologize but my mother's friends were only able to invite family. I would love to have something with you all, maybe we will have a meet and greet once the baby comes". That way you are nicely letting them know they won't be invited and they may potentially take action and put something together themselves. You also could have a meet and greet if they don't so they have something to look forward to (and do not mention gifts, not appropriate). Good luck!
  • Is it okay to invite people to a party where you expect them to bring you gifts???

    In a word: NO.

     Maybe you could have them over for a girl's night type thing, but don't call it a shower, and don't expect gifts.

  • No, it's not ok. You might consider having a "meet the baby" party afterwards, but don't expect gifts etc. Personally, I probably wouldn't even do that.
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  • hocushocus
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    No it isn't ok to host your own shower.

    Why would you tell your friends they are invited when you didn't confirm that was the case?

    At this point just explain that the prearrange shower is being kept very small and that they can't come. If they are really close they'll probably just organize something simple themselves.

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  • No you can't throw your own baby shower. Tell your friends that they the hostess is unable to invite them to your baby shower. If your friends want to be at your shower one of them should step up to the plate and throw one for you. 
  • image angiek1:
    No you can't throw your own baby shower. Tell your friends that they the hostess is unable to invite them to your baby shower. If your friends want to be at your shower one of them should step up to the plate and throw one for you. 

    exactly what i was going to say.

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  • image kjg5445:

    image angiek1:
    No you can't throw your own baby shower. Tell your friends that they the hostess is unable to invite them to your baby shower. If your friends want to be at your shower one of them should step up to the plate and throw one for you. 

    exactly what i was going to say.

    Ditto!

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  • You CAN do whatever you want, but as you see from previous posts you may get some negative feedback.  I was in the same situation.  My friends were not invited to my baby shower thrown by someone else.  So I said "screw it" and I threw my own.  My mom did all of the cooking and cleaning up, but I paid for it and had it at my house.  Was it a smart idea? yes and no.  Everyone had a great time... but since it was at my house everyone was asking me questions like "where does this go, what should I do with this"  It got very tiring. What they thought of me? I don't really care...they would have been angry if I HADN'T invited them, so no matter what it is a lose lose situation. If people think it's "tacky" then they don't have to go. I say screw formality.  I know I will get a lot of haters after making this comment, but I love how everyone is so quick to quote proper etiquette when infact there are a lot of women on this site who aren't following "proper etiquette"  if you know what I mean.  (Not that I care, just trying to make a point) Anyway, do what you WANT to do.  If you still feel kinda weird about it, ask one of your closest friends if she wouldn't mind helping out so it can look like she thew you the party.  What I am trying to say is just relax and do what makes you happy...and don't worry about what other people think is "proper" <3

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  • No, it is not ok to throw your own baby shower.
  • a friend of mine had what she called a baby-q. it was just a bbq with male and female friends and family. she said she just wanted to have everyone over before the baby came. we all bought her gifts - we all felt it was a shower. no one was offended. we were happy to celebrate with her and her husband. i think it depends on the crowd you run with. i personally wouldn't care if i was invited to a shower hosted by the mommy to be. but you also shouldn't feel bad that whoever is hosting you a shower could not/would not invite your friends. you aren't the host - you don't decide these things. tell your friends that you're sorry the host wasn't able to invite them. that's not your fault! i bet they'll throw you their own shower.

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  • No. If your friends are dying to give you baby gifts they'll do so after the baby is born anyway.
  • It's not proper, no. Just tell your friends that sorry, your hosts can't accommodate your friends at their shower so it will be just family, unless someone else decides to throw you a shower. Hopefully one of them will get the hint!
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  • Think of it this way. Say you're at lunch with a buddy and you just up and said "Well, Susan, I need you to buy me some supplies for my baby." Doesn't that feel rude? It would feel rude to me to just up and ask someone to buy things for my baby. Well, essentially that's what you are doing when you throw yourself a baby shower. You're saying "Hello all my friends, I'd like you to buy me something for the baby!"
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  • Very poor etiquette to throw your own shower.  If your friends ask, let them know no one has offered to throw you a shower for your friends.  Someone will step up (and probably feel like a heel for not offering in the first place). 

    This exact thing happened to a girlfriend of mine last winter.  I had begun planning her a surprise shower with another friend before she MCed her first PG a year ago, and then when she got PG again 6 months later, I just kind of assumed someone else would step up to the plate, especially since I'd just MCed.  Everyone assumed it apparently because no one offered to throw her one.  I asked one day when her shower would be, and when she told me her family was throwing one for family but no friends had offered, I felt like such a heel for not offering this time around.  Another friend and I hosted her a nice shower, and I don't think anyone was offended.

    Edit: Lots of people have multiple showers...

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  • image boxergurl:
    image kjg5445:

    image angiek1:
    No you can't throw your own baby shower. Tell your friends that they the hostess is unable to invite them to your baby shower. If your friends want to be at your shower one of them should step up to the plate and throw one for you. 

    exactly what i was going to say.

    Ditto!

    Double Ditto!

  • Do whatever you want to, there no rule saying you cant.
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  • image HHR28:
    Do whatever you want to, there no rule saying you cant.

    Uh, yeah there is...

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  • I would just explain to them that the hostess of the shower cannot invite them.  Your friends will either decide to throw one or they won't.  It is poor etiquette to throw your own.

  • Oh, how dare you even conceive of it! Oh, you miscreant creature! To the stake with her, I say! LOL - Just kidding... 

    Look, aren't they your friends? If so, then I'd think you'd be past the formalities of having to ask for gifts indirectly - i.e. by having someone else throw you a party. I thought the gift thing was just a detail anyway, and the shower was more like a celebration of the fact that you are having a baby. Are they seriously gonna gather round behind your back and whisper catty scathing comments at how lame and tacky you are for doing it? Because, if so, I seriously question their friendship...

    Probably because I am from a different culture (brazilian),  this whole "oh, what a sin, to throw your own shower! To wear black shoes with a brown belt! To eat with the fork on your right hand! To cut the lettuce on your plate! Oh the shame, the shame..." sounds a bit... well, fake to me. Sounds like we are all clutching our pearls tightly and trying to live in a Jane Austen novel or something.

    And it is ironic that, like a PP said, sometimes you see so many ladies talking about "proper etiquette" in the shower threads in such a rude and abusive language you'd think they've just about exhausted their etiquette-observing skills with the baby shower issue. - Not saying it is the case of anyone here in particular. At least so far it seems to be the most civilised and dramma-free "can I throw my own shower" thread I have ever seen, so thank you to all pre-posters, for keeping it clean! Yes

    Anyway, OP, that is the opinion of an outsider - a fueguian to your Darwin, if you please. I think that you are pregnant, you are having a baby, you are happy and should do as you like. You can only have this kid once, you know...

    Good luck with whatever you choose and all the best for you and your baby!

    p.s.: We do have showers here, but usually they are either smallish things just for fun and games or big things for underpriviledged moms (who really can't afford to buy stuff on their own) we know and love and want to help out. My mom did offer to throw me a "shower" - we call it a "baby tea" (ch? de beb?) - and a couple of friends asked if I was having one but it is really not my cup of tea (silly pun intended). I'd rather go out with DH to buy stuff and celebrate, again and again and again.

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  • No, it's never OK to throw your own shower. Why aren't your mom's friends letting you invite your friends? I always thought you got to decide who comes to your shower?
  • I'm sorry your friends ardent invites, but NO! Its not ok. Some people don't get any showers... So just be thankful that you are getting on. Just tell your friends whats going on, perhaps one of them will decide to do it for you!
  • I think the whole "Don't throw your own shower" thing is dumb. Plenty of people throw their own birthday parties and no one complains about it. North America's social "norms" are just ridiculous. 

     

    You are friends with this people. They are not coworkers; They are not acquaintances. They should not be offended by something as stupid as receiving an invitation to a baby shower.  If they are offended, why have them as friends? 

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  • I would probably ask my mother to reconsider or tell her it would mean a lot to me to have friends there as well, not just family.

    If that's not really an option or has already flopped, you could 1) talk to a close friend who would understand and maybe she can "host" it, more for appearances than anything or 2) You could have a get together but not necessarily call it a shower.

    Luckily, those friends close enough to visit you in the hospital normally will bring something to the hospital, especially if there was no shower for them to go to.

    If you can't find a co-host to pretend "host" or actually host another one for you, I'd just explain it to my friends that my mother's throwing my shower and I didn't realize she was planning on making it strictly family. 

     

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  • image NurseMom1:

    I think the whole "Don't throw your own shower" thing is dumb. Plenty of people throw their own birthday parties and no one complains about it. North America's social "norms" are just ridiculous. 

     

    You are friends with this people. They are not coworkers; They are not acquaintances. They should not be offended by something as stupid as receiving an invitation to a baby shower.  If they are offended, why have them as friends? 

    adult birthday parties are not typically gift giving events.  

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  • I think it is 'ok' but better to call your closest friend and ask her to 'host', even if it is at your place.  Just to keep the shower police at bay.

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  • image MrsGo4Hockeychick:
    image NurseMom1:

    I think the whole "Don't throw your own shower" thing is dumb. Plenty of people throw their own birthday parties and no one complains about it. North America's social "norms" are just ridiculous. 

     

    You are friends with this people. They are not coworkers; They are not acquaintances. They should not be offended by something as stupid as receiving an invitation to a baby shower.  If they are offended, why have them as friends? 

    adult birthday parties are not typically gift giving events.  

    Exactly...where I come from if you throw your own birthday "party" (which is usually more like a birthday gathering) the most anyone will get you is maybe a drink at the bar, not a real gift.

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  • image tchubirubi:

    Oh, how dare you even conceive of it! Oh, you miscreant creature! To the stake with her, I say! LOL - Just kidding... 

    Look, aren't they your friends? If so, then I'd think you'd be past the formalities of having to ask for gifts indirectly - i.e. by having someone else throw you a party. I thought the gift thing was just a detail anyway, and the shower was more like a celebration of the fact that you are having a baby. Are they seriously gonna gather round behind your back and whisper catty scathing comments at how lame and tacky you are for doing it? Because, if so, I seriously question their friendship...

    Probably because I am from a different culture (brazilian),  this whole "oh, what a sin, to throw your own shower! To wear black shoes with a brown belt! To eat with the fork on your right hand! To cut the lettuce on your plate! Oh the shame, the shame..." sounds a bit... well, fake to me. Sounds like we are all clutching our pearls tightly and trying to live in a Jane Austen novel or something.

    And it is ironic that, like a PP said, sometimes you see so many ladies talking about "proper etiquette" in the shower threads in such a rude and abusive language you'd think they've just about exhausted their etiquette-observing skills with the baby shower issue. - Not saying it is the case of anyone here in particular. At least so far it seems to be the most civilised and dramma-free "can I throw my own shower" thread I have ever seen, so thank you to all pre-posters, for keeping it clean! Yes

    Anyway, OP, that is the opinion of an outsider - a fueguian to your Darwin, if you please. I think that you are pregnant, you are having a baby, you are happy and should do as you like. You can only have this kid once, you know...

    Good luck with whatever you choose and all the best for you and your baby!

    p.s.: We do have showers here, but usually they are either smallish things just for fun and games or big things for underpriviledged moms (who really can't afford to buy stuff on their own) we know and love and want to help out. My mom did offer to throw me a "shower" - we call it a "baby tea" (ch? de beb?) - and a couple of friends asked if I was having one but it is really not my cup of tea (silly pun intended). I'd rather go out with DH to buy stuff and celebrate, again and again and again.

    Exactly. You are from a different culture, so you really don't have any place to critique another culture's etiquette standards. Do I go to Japan and say "Oh when they bow to each other as a greeting, that seems really stupid so I'm just not going to do it!"

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