3rd Trimester

MIL talk was not what I expected...(vent)

So just turning 36 weeks has already been hell. If I already don't feel miserable, swollen, extremely tired....now the mother of my SO wanted to have a sit down talk.  She came to our house last night to express some concerns she was having. Yes, me and my SO have our arguments/disagreements...but what relationship doesn't. Also, it's not like we argue a lot at all...most of the time we are generally happy and loving towards eachother. She first mentions how it breaks her heart to see my SO's face sadden when he gets a text from me when he is hanging out (drinking) with his family without me. I didn't know I text anything that bad...just a simple 'whatever'.  Yes I don't agree with him staying out till 2am with his family drinking when I'm at home about to pop...but I didn't curse at him or make a big issue over it. Anyway, she said she hates to see him unhappy. (surprise to me that he was unhappy!) Then she says that we should not get married for the wrong reasons. We aren't even engaged! We talk about getting married and what not...but not because we have a child on the way. Wow.  In the meantime, the only thing my SO had to say was that he understood why I was upset with the drinking. Really?

Well, I didn't say anything to her.  I felt with my hormones out of whack...it was probably not a good time. So when she left, I asked him if he was unhappy. He gets very angry and defensive. He says he is happy and wouldn't be here if he wasn't. He said I should have said something to her if I had a problem.  I feel she is not my 'MIL' and didn't want to start something that could ruin a relationship.

She did say how she loves me and cares about me.  I'm am so confused now. Feels like someone just stabbed me in the heart! I thought everything was great. We were happy. Now I just don't know what to think or how to feel. I wish she could have done this when I wasn't so hormonal. Not sure where to go from here.

Re: MIL talk was not what I expected...(vent)

  • I think you and SO need to handle your own problems and she overstepped her bounds on this one.  I'm sure she had good intentions--they always do--but she didn't go about it in the right way.  If you and SO are happy, it's nobody else's business.
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  • I think she was out of line.  First of all because she was just out of line to say anything to you in the first place but also because of her timing.  You are pregnant and don't need the extra stress.  If she has concerns about whether or not you and SO should get married (odd since you aren't even engaged) than she should discuss them with her son not you.  Also, your texts he should not be sharing with them, especially if that is how she is.  He should know to keep those between the two of you.  I think his mom is having a hard time cutting the cord so to speak and needs to let her little boy grow up and handle his adult problems on his own.  If she wants to talk to him about it that is one thing but to bypass him and go to you is ridiculous.
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  • Wow, MIL needs to mind her own business & stop meddling in your affairs. Geesh!
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  • So sorry!  She needs to keep her hands (and mouth) out of your relationship with your SO.  If he's having problems, he needs to be the one who brings them up, not her.  And, I'm sorry, saying how she loves you and cares seems manipulative (this could be influenced by my relationship with my MIL).
  • UGH!  I feel for you!  She needs to butt the F out!
  • Hormonal or not, MIL or not, i would have told her to back off
  • Please, please, please don't over-analyze your relationship with your SO.  I'm sure that his mother just blew everything out of proportion, and her timing was very ill. 
  • Im sorry she did that to you. Im also sorry that your SO couldnt recognize how out of line his own mother was and cut off the conversation. If my MIL came over and started saying stuff like that, I would have said "thank you for your concern but DH and I will handle it". Though I would not have to, because DH would say "mom, my wife and I will handle our own relationship, thank you" . It sounds like you two should still talk and see how each other is feeling about the baby coming, the relationship, etc. and dont even mention his mother. I would be honest with him and tell him it makes you uncomfortable to involve others in your relationship and that maybe getting hammered with his family until 2 am all the time isnt appropriate for someone about to have a child. Dont be afraid to say how you feel. Good luck

     

  • Thank you! I believe she crossed the wrong line too. I'm just numb and feel really uncomfortable with my realtionship with him and now his family. I know he says he's happy (to me) but I just can't help to think he is saying to everyone else! It makes it hard to be nice and respectful to them now.  I was going to invite her to the sonogram next week since this is her first grandchild...but now I don't want to at all! We were all just fine....and now it all feels broken!
  • She needs to butt out and HE needs to be the one to tell her to.
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  • I'm sorry you dealt with this. I've been married for a little over 3 years and I still don't speak to my MIL unless it is life threatening, super important, or we see them in person. If she wants to talk to someone, she can talk to her son. If she pulled some BS like this, I would never talk to her again.

    Your SO does need to be home at 2 am because you could go in labor. You need to say something directly to him and I would say something about how his mother overstepped her bounds.

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  • I'll take "Your Boyfriend's Mom Needs To Butt Out" for $500, please.

    You're not dating her, you're dating her son.  If you two have things to discuss, then you two need to discuss them, and don't include anything his mom says in those discussions because her diarrhea of the mouth shouldn't have any bearing.

    Also, he needs to man the fvck up and take care of his own mom instead of getting angry and defensive when you ask him legitimate questions, and telling you to handle her.  It's his job to field complaints from his home team.  And you shouldn't have to feel upset about asking him where you stand relationship-wise, either.  This is stupid drama.  You two need to sit down and discuss what is and isn't appropriate in your relationship, including his mom's nosiness.  Don't mince words or beat around the bush, either, because you both need to be clear on these things.  And if Mommy Dearest doesn't like it, she needs to can it, and he needs to make sure of that.

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  • Totally in agreeance with PP. She needs to butt out and mind her own business, son or not. Plus you know how they are, totally biased and always taking their own kid's side regardless of who's really at fault. GL with her! Sounds like it's gonna be good times.

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  • Your MIL inserted herself where she doesn't belong.  If she is worried about your relationship, she should vent to her girlfriends.  She is not your counselor.  If SO is venting to her, she should simply direct him to discuss his feelings with you.  This is an issue for you guys to work out and she should stay out of it.
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  • Uh hello people!  SO's mom can't meddle unless SO is biitching to her about it!  OP you have a SO problem.  He needs to stop running to mommy and whining about how his baby's mama is complaining about him drinking until 2 a.m. (which I find inappropriate.)  No one's forcing him to say who's texting him and what the text says.  Maybe if he stopped sharing the mom wouldn't feel the need to meddle.
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  • I'm wondering how old you two are. Are you both just out of high school? Even then I think that it is questionable (at best) to get involved in a childs' relationship (assuming it is not physically or emotionally abusive). However, if you are older, I think it would be very wise to set some boundaries and quickly.

    Best wishes!

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  • Thanks you guys! Ntrick- We are in our early 30's. We've been together almost 3 years and just feel like now I know why anything to do with marriage has never happened.  It just really sucks now because I actually thought of his family as my own.  I think I'm just going to sit her down for a talk about MY concerns!

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