Blended Families

In hindsight...

Well I haven't logged on in quite some time for various reasons, mainly because after giving birth to DD last summer my life turned upside down, naturally.  But mostly because my feelings were hurt by the brash ladies who commented on some of my posts.  Let me explain before you get the urge to get snappy.  My blended family consists of me DH, SS (4.5 yrs) and DD (not quite 10 months).  Before DD, I expected so much from SS.  Foolishly, and even moreso selfishly I expected him to love and respect me just as much as he did his mother. (who is hardly in the picture)  After all he runs to me when he gets a booboo, I buy his clothes, prepare his meals, clean his ears-- I'm playing the role I'm just not wearing the title.  He would do mean spirited things once I first met him and I could understand that, but once we got used to one another I expected him to kick BM to the curb and embrace our new little family the whole Brady Bunch dream.  Of course that didn't happen.  She would tell him mean things about me and an outspoken, very intelligent, sometimes arrogant child would change his whole attitude towards me. (twice a year mind you because in one year she would spend one weekend and his birthday party with him and she lives >10 miles away) Eventually I gave up on trying to make this child, give me something he could never give and I gave up on him as well.  I figured hey I've been trying for 2-3 years now I have my own baby to worry about now.   One day I was unnerved and I posted my vent and someone roasted me saying "who does......,whatever I did" and someone replied.." a child".  And I said a child?  I've been taking care of my self and my mother for years how dare she?   Of course I deserved it, but it wasn't until months later that I realized, little girl you're not a child your an infant, hell your practically a newborn.  I realized though I could never create a bond between SS and BM, I could not force one between he and myself either.  He still says and does some outrageous things that make me cringe but I know now that since no one else has the presence of mind or ability to encourage good behavior I would be a hypocrite not to do everything in my power to be that positive force in both of my children's lives.  And I feel liberated to not be in that state of mind anymore.  UPDATE: Now he is on his best behavior whenever he is in my presence. (We are working on recognizing authority!) He is swimming with the family now, karate most of the summer and his grades were great all year.  So I guess now I am a toddler. =]  At the time the rude but true comments did nothing for my situation or how I felt (which I'm sure was not the objective) but in hindsight had I taken it in a different light it may have brought me to realization sooner.  Kids really don't ask to be here and they don't chose their families.  They are also often put into ridiculous situations by ridiculously ignorant people.  But I know one day he will understand and appreciate our family and me for what we are and who I am.
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Re: In hindsight...

  • What?

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • I remember you.  I'm glad you changed your expectations and actions and are about to see the positive changes.

    I will happily wave the bitter old hag flag if it helps.  But I think everyone told you the moment you have your baby and start parenting from birth you will see your h's child in a whole new light. 

    Thanks for the update.

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  • You can't force a relationship, and I'm sure that if you continue to treat him like your own, he will form his own opinions despite his bm's comments. I experience a similar situation. I first met my ss when he was 2. He is now almost 4. Every time we get him from his mom's house, it takes him a full day before he will have anything to do with me. I remain positive with him no matter how he reacts, and he always comes around.

    I recently had my own baby, but I still think of and treat my SS as my own. It's not his fault he has a psycho mama, and I want to give him the best life possible.

  • I'm glad that you're adult and admit your wrongs. Some women never come around.

    My husband and I each have children with someone else so it was easy for us to accept our kids because we knew both sides of it. It's not easy to trust someone else to love your child as their own. I met my SS early enough that establishing our own bond wasn't difficult. I love him as my own.

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    "The best thing in life to hold onto is eachother." AH

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