Blended Families

LONG vent

So much to update I don?t even know where to begin

I?ll start with the fact that we have agreed to take SS every weekend.  Basically Wed night was not working for DH as he is now no longer self employed so is ?on the clock?.  It was causing issues for the past number of weeks as DH was having to walk off jobs  to be at the school for 3pm (not good in this day) and BM was refusing to collect SS from school and keep him until DH got out of work (she lives beside the school).  Anyhow she said no and if DH could not make it then we needed to change to a weekend day, so we did.  We can collect SS at 5.30pm from her on a Friday (just not a Mon ? Thurs).  In a way I don?t blame her I mean why should she be the one to concede right? 

Anyhow she wins as she get what she wanted all along (her weekends free), DH wins as it alleviates the stress of having to get out of work early every Wed and go in late on Thurs.   I on the other hand have to give up running on a Sat morn to be home with SS and take him to football.  BM appreciates this and says she will work with me, if I have plans she will collect SS from football to free up my day etc.

So this past weekend was our last child free weekend BUT it was also Father?s Day.  I text BM last week and asked her if we could take SS for the day on Sunday.  I planned a really nice day out for Fathers Day.  She replied ?no problem? and informed me she was going to a wedding on Sat night.  I was going to text back and say we would take him Sat night BUT I had plans and I figured I should ask DH first before making plans for him as I would flip if he did that to me.  Anyhow I got home and was literally just asking him when she text me and proposed that if I took SS sat night while she goes to the wedding she would collect SS from us next Sat night as we are taking him to a wedding so we can stay out later.  I replied that I would collect SS sat morn for her but we were good to keep SS all next weekend.  She was delighted and I was feeling pretty happy at this stage also as she and I seemed to be working well together.

Sat morn she text me to collect SS from her mother?s as she was getting her hair / nails done for the wedding.  When I collected SS he got in the car and informed me that sorry he could not hang out with us and Sun as he already had plans to go to a bday party with BM and she forgot to tell me about them.  He said I needed to drop him home on my way to the Zoo on Sunday (like DH and I would go hang out at the Zoo without him).  I was annoyed as I had already booked the tickets online AND arranged to meet my brother and nephew at the zoo for a picnic AND it was Fathers Day.

So here is the dilemma ? what can I, as step mother ,say at that point???  

Anyhow DH got home about 5pm and I told him ? he was pretty mad about it.  I left as I was running a 10K at 6pm.  After the race I could tell DH was a little off with me.  Later that night when SS went to bed DH told me that SS said that he had told me about the party and that I had told him it was not problem and he did not have to come to the Zoo.  I told DH that was not true and that I simply did not know what to say to SS when he told me he had plans with BM other than ?O OK?. 

DH was furious as he said he is sick of both BM and I getting to be the ?nice guy? and he always has to be the ?bad guy?.   When SS does something wrong BM simply threatens him with DH (last week SS got a not so great school report and BM said nothing and left it to DH).  DH said that I should have told SS hell no you are going to the zoo end of story.  I explained to DH that I did not feel like I can talk to SS like that and go ?over BM head?.  DH said that it is my house, my rules and I have as much authority as he and BM.  I told him I totally disagreed with that.  Anyhow it blew up into a huge issue and DH text BM and told her that SS was going to the Zoo end of story. 

BM then tried to call me but I missed the call so she called DH.  She was really apologetic on the phone and said that she did actually forget about the party and that SS found the invite in her car Sat morning and pleaded with her to go to the party.  She said she just told him to ask me or DH.  Anyhow we all (DH, BM and I) came to the conclusion that SS knows how to play the game and manipulate situations to his advantage. 

BM then said she does not understand why I did not put my foot down and tell SS no if that was how I felt and that I need to learn to say no to him.  They both accused me of spoiling SS which totally fkin annoyed me.  I know how to say no to a kid, I am not a fkin retard, I am a STEP PARENT. 

Seriously can SM?s ever win?  If I was throwing my weight around you bet I would be told to step back.  I try to step back and let BM and DH set the rules and I am spoiling him ? wth? 

Anyhow I am kinda annoyed over the whole situation.  I was being optimistic about the weekends but now I am resenting them a little. 

I cooked a lovely breakfast for them yesterday morning and SS sat the table looking like his dog had just died and DH never spoke to either of us.  The joys! 

O we had a ball at the zoo, on the way out SS asked if we could sign up for the yearly membership!  HOWEVER he did refuse to say happy Fathers Day to DH until half way through the day.  

The end.

 

 

 

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Re: LONG vent

  • Sorry for the wall of text, i typed in word (in an attempt to look like i am working) and C&P'd.  
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  • I understand your frustration. I would never make a decision regarding my ss before speaking with my DH.  There is a fine line that I walk being a step mother and I do not want to cross it.

    We have a cordial relationship with  my ss's mom and I would like to keep it that way.

  • KyahKyah
    Ninth Anniversary
    member

    image Phantomgirl:
      DH said that I should have told SS hell no you are going to the zoo end of story.  I explained to DH that I did not feel like I can talk to SS like that and go ?over BM head?.  DH said that it is my house, my rules and I have as much authority as he and BM.  I told him I totally disagreed with that.  Anyhow it blew up into a huge issue and DH text BM and told her that SS was going to the Zoo end of story.  

    I agree with your DH on this one. And I think its awesome that he is empowering you like that. You made plans for a special FATHERS day, and BM agreed to them. Who the heck has a birthday party on Father's day?? I bet she would raise holy hell if you planned to take SS to a birthday party on Mother's day.

    I somewhat see your side too, but since you are acting in DHs place for communicating with BM,  any agreement she makes with you is the same as if she made it with him. Personally I refuse to deal with BM in that manner. DH does all the communicating with BM and any schedule changes he makes sure I agree too before he agrees to anything with her. Because this is my house, my rules, and I, like you, plan a lot of things for our family and a lot of them are contingent upon SS being with us.

  • Man I wish you could have told BM that SHE has to learn how to say no to her own kid before expecting others to considering she makes the NCP punish him!

    Good luck with everything, I hope that you and your DH can get back on the same page and that things can work out for you being able to run.  Hey, any chance that SS can run with you, I know you could not run as fast but just a thought that while it is not the same as running with your girlfriends maybe you can get SS into something healthy for when you cannot find someone to stay with him.  My DH ran a 5 mile this weekend and there was a girl about your SSs age that ran it.

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • image Littlejen22:

    Man I wish you could have told BM that SHE has to learn how to say no to her own kid before expecting others to considering she makes the NCP punish him!

    Good luck with everything, I hope that you and your DH can get back on the same page and that things can work out for you being able to run.  Hey, any chance that SS can run with you, I know you could not run as fast but just a thought that while it is not the same as running with your girlfriends maybe you can get SS into something healthy for when you cannot find someone to stay with him.  My DH ran a 5 mile this weekend and there was a girl about your SSs age that ran it.

    My SS HATES being active.  Yesterday at the zoo he complained several times that his legs were sore, it was to long bla bla bla.  My 4 year old nephew was flying about the place full of energy. SS plays in goals for his soccer team and will not come out on to the field.

    I will still get to run three times a week.  The thing about running Sat morning is that it is a step up to what I am currently doing.  I currently run with a group of girls and we do up to 10K.  Both my SILs run with a group on Sat morning and they are training for the half marathon so I was going to move up basically and train towards that and run it with them.  Not the end of the world but something I would love to do.

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  • How old is SS again? Isn't he like 10? How long are your runs? Is he completely incapable for hanging out watching sat morning cartoons by himself for 2 hrs? It still seems a bit young, but I'm picturing your big house out in bfe country and thinking it isn't that big a deal. Is that something that's even possible or is it a no way kind of thing. I know everyone has different views on the 'alone' thing.
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  • image karatechrissy:
    How old is SS again? Isn't he like 10? How long are your runs? Is he completely incapable for hanging out watching sat morning cartoons by himself for 2 hrs? It still seems a bit young, but I'm picturing your big house out in bfe country and thinking it isn't that big a deal. Is that something that's even possible or is it a no way kind of thing. I know everyone has different views on the 'alone' thing.

    He is 9.5 and I wouldn't leave him alone - or at least I never have! 

    No chrissy the girls meet at 9am and run about 10 miles or so.  It would defo take me 1.5 hours to do that at present plus travel time.  SS has soccer at 10.30am.

    Anyhow really I have come to terms with that, I am more p!ssed about getting 'in trouble' with DH and BM for not putting my foot down.  Neither of them accepted that being a SM is a grey area and that I feel uncomfortable about it.  DH actually totally dismissed that 'excuse' and basically accused me of wanted to be SS 'friend'.

    I feel like I do a lot for my SS and I am usually the one to try to reconcile issues when DH and BM fall out.  Then this week I go the extra mile to give up something to suit them and they choose now to criticize my step parenting.  I really felt like being a biotch and telling them to get lost and figure things out for themselves.

    Anyhow we will see how things go BUT I can assure you that I am not going to be jumping through hoops for them if this arrangement goes south they can sort it out themselves- remember there is no court order for this. 

    It should get interesting now that we are all equal in power! 

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  • Ditto PP who said good for your DH for empowering you to say "no" to SS and "who the h plans a birthday party for father's day?!?"

    Glad the day went well despite the bumps in the road.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • Sometimes your posts concern me.  Your SS has sounded a bit like a lost soul for a while now, and there seems to be a lot of bouncing around where he is concerned because the parents in his life seem to have better things to do than to take care of him on weekends. I'm not surprised he's getting manipulative, he is probably trying to figure out how to be everyone's priority (or at least more important than Mom's new BF, Stepmom's running, Dad's job, etc).  Even now, with the post that he will be staying with you every weekend, you sound less than pleased, and I don't know why.  You can run lots of other times besides Saturday morning.  Or, you can start bringing SS with you and make him start running.  You married a man with a child.  That is never going to only create a part-time responsibilty on your part.

     I think it is great that your husband definitely wants you as an empowered player in this game.  And maybe you needed to have this fight for both of you to figure out that he does in fact trust and need you to be able to make tough decisions where his son is concerned.  I do understand why you would have been hesitant to do so prior to this situation arising, but now that you have had it out with your husband, it almost seems like you both have a better understanding of what is expected of both of you, and that could be a really good thing.

     I hope things with your SS settle down soon.  Good luck!

     

     

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • image sprky79:

    Sometimes your posts concern me.  Your SS has sounded a bit like a lost soul for a while now, and there seems to be a lot of bouncing around where he is concerned because the parents in his life seem to have better things to do than to take care of him on weekends. I'm not surprised he's getting manipulative, he is probably trying to figure out how to be everyone's priority (or at least more important than Mom's new BF, Stepmom's running, Dad's job, etc).  Even now, with the post that he will be staying with you every weekend, you sound less than pleased, and I don't know why.  You can run lots of other times besides Saturday morning.  Or, you can start bringing SS with you and make him start running.  You married a man with a child.  That is never going to only create a part-time responsibilty on your part.

    I completely agree with this statement. It sounds like he's feeling unimportant. As a SM, I don't understand your perception of inconvenience. We usually have my SS Tues-Fri, but we had him until Sun this weekend for fathers day. I was thrilled to get to spend extra time with him, and moved my Sat workout to Friday. I thoroughly enjoy every second I get to spend with my SS, and it angers me when people seem to feel inconvenienced by their child or step-child.

  • How about editing out the r word? It makes you look like a smurfhole.
    I know a WALK OF SHAME when I see one, Smurf Hoar!
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  • image sprky79:

    Sometimes your posts concern me.  Your SS has sounded a bit like a lost soul for a while now, and there seems to be a lot of bouncing around where he is concerned because the parents in his life seem to have better things to do than to take care of him on weekends. I'm not surprised he's getting manipulative, he is probably trying to figure out how to be everyone's priority (or at least more important than Mom's new BF, Stepmom's running, Dad's job, etc).  Even now, with the post that he will be staying with you every weekend, you sound less than pleased, and I don't know why.  You can run lots of other times besides Saturday morning.  Or, you can start bringing SS with you and make him start running.  You married a man with a child.  That is never going to only create a part-time responsibilty on your part.

     I think it is great that your husband definitely wants you as an empowered player in this game.  And maybe you needed to have this fight for both of you to figure out that he does in fact trust and need you to be able to make tough decisions where his son is concerned.  I do understand why you would have been hesitant to do so prior to this situation arising, but now that you have had it out with your husband, it almost seems like you both have a better understanding of what is expected of both of you, and that could be a really good thing.

     I hope things with your SS settle down soon.  Good luck!

     

     

    There was no bouncing around sparky, BM wanted him with us and we said no so he was with her.  

    He definitely is a priority in BMs life, she provides a good steady home for him and she is a great mom.  I have my complaints about her but I will never say she is a bad mother.  He has a great relationship with her and her entire family.  He lives beside his grandparents and his aunts and really it is a very positive environment.  As for the bf, it never really materialized and he seems to be MIA for some time now.  As far as SS is concerned she never had a bf, just a friend.

    I would agree with you that he is not a priority in my DH life.  DH finds it very hard to find common ground with SS.  We just talked at dinner tonight about the whole weekend and DH admitted that he was releived when we dropped SS home yesterday eve, that he found the weekend stressful - this is obviously an issue and no doubt SS feels it.

    I do not feel this way.  I am really very good with my SS and have a great relationship with him.  I guess part of my issue stems from the fact that deep down I know taking SS every weekend will fall to me and not DH. t is not about the running specifically or lunches with my gf's it is more that I feel like I should not have been the one to have to change my schedule / routine when SS has two parents. 

    If you think about it DH just lost time with SS, he used to collect him at 3pm on Weds, now SS and I wont get home till 6pm on Friday.  Also DH used to drop SS to school on Thurs but now he will be gone when SS gets up on Sat. so this is not even good for SS in my opinion.   

    Anyhow I have been trying for years to get them to bond.  At this stage I feel like SS and I will be closer than SS and DH.  

    I know you are a counselor and if you have any advice in regards to DH and SS relationship I really would welcome it.

    SS is very happy in BM home and he truly adores me and I him. SS is not a 'lost soul' and is generally a happy enough kid BUT I foresee him having a lot of resentment towards my DH in the future.  

    DH is in counseling and he knows that his relationship is strained / forced but honestly I do not see it being resolved soon enough.   

     

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  • image aejohnson928:
    image sprky79:

    Sometimes your posts concern me.  Your SS has sounded a bit like a lost soul for a while now, and there seems to be a lot of bouncing around where he is concerned because the parents in his life seem to have better things to do than to take care of him on weekends. I'm not surprised he's getting manipulative, he is probably trying to figure out how to be everyone's priority (or at least more important than Mom's new BF, Stepmom's running, Dad's job, etc).  Even now, with the post that he will be staying with you every weekend, you sound less than pleased, and I don't know why.  You can run lots of other times besides Saturday morning.  Or, you can start bringing SS with you and make him start running.  You married a man with a child.  That is never going to only create a part-time responsibilty on your part.

    I completely agree with this statement. It sounds like he's feeling unimportant. As a SM, I don't understand your perception of inconvenience. We usually have my SS Tues-Fri, but we had him until Sun this weekend for fathers day. I was thrilled to get to spend extra time with him, and moved my Sat workout to Friday. I thoroughly enjoy every second I get to spend with my SS, and it angers me when people seem to feel inconvenienced by their child or step-child.

    Don't worry about  it I don't understand the point your trying to make???

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  • image aejohnson928:
    image sprky79:

    Sometimes your posts concern me.  Your SS has sounded a bit like a lost soul for a while now, and there seems to be a lot of bouncing around where he is concerned because the parents in his life seem to have better things to do than to take care of him on weekends. I'm not surprised he's getting manipulative, he is probably trying to figure out how to be everyone's priority (or at least more important than Mom's new BF, Stepmom's running, Dad's job, etc).  Even now, with the post that he will be staying with you every weekend, you sound less than pleased, and I don't know why.  You can run lots of other times besides Saturday morning.  Or, you can start bringing SS with you and make him start running.  You married a man with a child.  That is never going to only create a part-time responsibilty on your part.

    I completely agree with this statement. It sounds like he's feeling unimportant. As a SM, I don't understand your perception of inconvenience. We usually have my SS Tues-Fri, but we had him until Sun this weekend for fathers day. I was thrilled to get to spend extra time with him, and moved my Sat workout to Friday. I thoroughly enjoy every second I get to spend with my SS, and it angers me when people seem to feel inconvenienced by their child or step-child.

    Yes she married a man with a child.  But I don't think that we ever sign up to be the 3rd wheel, so to speak.  BM is getting what she wants, and DH is getting what he wants, and Phantom is the only one with any additional responsiblity, or being asked to make any sacrifice whatsoever.

    And while she has admitted that it's inconvenient, she's made plans to adjust her life anyway around what's best for everyone else.

    And then for DH to tell her that she should be the one to lay down the law, when clearly she is being asked to take a backseat to everyone else's needs and desires is pretty annoying to me.  But hopefully, as PP said, this will open some kind of dialouge about everyone's expectations, and something good will come out of this situation. 

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • Your post was still on my mind this morning, Phantom. 

    I was thinking about pp's comment that you could leave SS home alone, and that you haven't done that yet.  We haven't either, with oldest SS, though he has classmates who are home alone, some every day after school for an hour or so.

    However, couldn't your SS go with your DH to a job site for a few hours?  He's not a little kid anymore, and there should be something he could do to make himself useful to DH, or at least sit quietly and read or do homework, right?  I'd think a compromise could be sending SS on alternating Sat. mornings with DH, so your running schedule can be the same as it was when you had SS EOW, and you could pick him up after you're done.  Would your DH be up for that?

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • image Phantomgirl:

     

    I would agree with you that he is not a priority in my DH life.  DH finds it very hard to find common ground with SS.  We just talked at dinner tonight about the whole weekend and DH admitted that he was releived when we dropped SS home yesterday eve, that he found the weekend stressful - this is obviously an issue and no doubt SS feels it.

    I do not feel this way.  I am really very good with my SS and have a great relationship with him.  I guess part of my issue stems from the fact that deep down I know taking SS every weekend will fall to me and not DH. t is not about the running specifically or lunches with my gf's it is more that I feel like I should not have been the one to have to change my schedule / routine when SS has two parents. 

    If you think about it DH just lost time with SS, he used to collect him at 3pm on Weds, now SS and I wont get home till 6pm on Friday.  Also DH used to drop SS to school on Thurs but now he will be gone when SS gets up on Sat. so this is not even good for SS in my opinion.   

    Anyhow I have been trying for years to get them to bond.  At this stage I feel like SS and I will be closer than SS and DH.  

    I know you are a counselor and if you have any advice in regards to DH and SS relationship I really would welcome it.

    SS is very happy in BM home and he truly adores me and I him. SS is not a 'lost soul' and is generally a happy enough kid BUT I foresee him having a lot of resentment towards my DH in the future.  

    DH is in counseling and he knows that his relationship is strained / forced but honestly I do not see it being resolved soon enough.   

     

     

     

    And now I am remembering getting flamed for pretty much saying exactly this about your DH a little while ago, when you claimed he was totally ALL IN to parenting SS. Ugh. 

    Stay at Home Mama to 3 Beautiful Children by the miracles of Birth & Adoption
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