Babies: 3 - 6 Months

Major financial problems causing resentment (NBR-very long)

I really need to get a few things off of my chest.  I am very concerned about my bf and my financial situation.  He is currently unemployed and has not had a steady job since Feb. He tried selling Herbalife but didn't manage the money well so none of it actually came back into our household.  His plan was to open an Herbalife nutrition club but the band denied the loan on Thursday.  He is 23 and still trying to figure out which direction to take his life.  I have accepted this and support him in trying new things.  However, he needs to get a job, any job, as soon as possible or we are not going to be able to keep our apartment.  I have paid the bills for the last 5 months out of a college fund my parents set aside for me, but that can't go on as I still have 2 years of school left in the Nursing program and they recommend not working because it is so rigorous.  I have worked the last 3 years while in college and didn't buy nice things so that I would have that money when I needed it.  I have a scholarship that pays tuition, books, and fees so its important that I stay in school and keep it.  

When I got pregnant the plan was for my bf to work full time and me to work part time and go to school until the baby was born, then I would stay home with the baby while finishing out the semester.  I did this.  It was extremely hard and not fun but I completed a full load of classes with good grades while breastfeeding and getting up a million times a night.  I was supposed to get a break in the summer to be with the baby and it made since financially as well because we would not come out ahead with daycare is being so expensive and I would only be able to get a minimum wage job.  Well now it is looking like I am going to have to get a job to bring in any extra money.  I'm going to apply at my church nursery because then the baby could be with me and there won't be daycare issues.  Yes this is a great fix-it solution, but I will not be making enough to cover all of the expenses.  

My bf has become very depressed and just keeps saying he's never going to be anything now.  He hasn't started looking for a job and won't even talk with me about anything.  I know he is upset and I want to be understanding, but I can't help but begin to feel resentful towards him.  I have worked my butt off in school and at a very high demand nanny job literally up until the day I gave birth so that we would have money.  

I know his intentions at this point are good and that he wants to do the right thing, but he is putting the weight of everything on me.  I'm so embarrassed to keep asking my mom for money from my fund and today I have to do so again seeing as tomorrow is the last day we can pay rent and we only have half of it.  I haven't had a hair cut since before the baby was born and I couldn't afford to buy much needed new clothes since I'm not able to  fit into my most of my pre-pregnancy ones. My mom felt bad and bought me a few things recently.  I have always sacrificed to save money, but this is ridiculous. I'm just getting angry at this point.   If I was a single mom I would know that I would have to live at my parents and have a crappy job and would be ok with that, but right now I am paying the bills for our whole household and yet my bf won't turn lights off or keep the air conditioner on a lower setting!  We are a sinking ship and I don't know what to do anymore.  

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Re: Major financial problems causing resentment (NBR-very long)

  • I have little patience for men like that. You need to put yourself and your LO first...if that means moving in with your parents so you can finish school than so be it. He needs to grow up and FAST. I WOULD NOT keep supporting him as this is taking away from your LO and what your LO may need in the future.

    You are a very strong woman for pursuing nursing while having a newborn. Don't let your bf take advantage. 1 baby is enough, you don't need to take care of 2. 


  • i can sort of relate to your issue.  my bf got laid off in january. we figured that for now he could stay at home with the baby when i returned to work full time.  i have a decent job with benefits, so now i am able to keep us afloat.  i am mad about the cutbacks that i have had to make and at times i want to yell "i don't care how you feel just get a job!" because honestly that is what needs to be done. 

    have you tried any government assistance? unemployment, WIC, whatever your state offers? i know it wont be a quick fix for your rent situation, but ultimately you have to do what's best for your LO and if that takes sucking it up and asking your mom if you two (you and baby) can stay with them for a while, then maybe that's what you have to do.  i'm sure some people will say that you got into this on your own and you have to figure it out without your parents, but it doesn't hurt to ask at this point.

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  • I'm very sorry you are going through this.  You have a reason to feel the way that you do.  I'm not in your shoes and don't know how your relationship is, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be much better off without him.  He obviously is being selfish and not stepping up to the plate.  He is allowing you to provide for HIM when he should be providing for you and the baby.  He should get ANY job that he can to be able to provide until he finds something that he likes.  I don't understand how people will struggle and not get a job because they feel they are better then that.  (Sorry to vent, but I have a friend that wants everyone to feel sorry for her because she doesn't have a job, but she won't work at Walmart or Walgreens because she is better then that.) You should not be under that stress. 

    I do want to CONGRATULATE you for all your hard work and determination. I know how difficult it is to have a baby and work, but to go to school on top of that is AWESOME.  Keep up the hard work, it will pay off in the end.  You have a good head on your shoulders, and you will make the right decision.  

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  • Thank you all for your support.  I tried to go into the bedroom and talk to him a few minutes ago and he just got mad again.  He was still asleep after staying up late watching movies.  I have been up since seven with our DD plus got up twice to feed her last night.  I don't want to leave him, but he just doesn't get that he doesn't have the luxury to lay around depressed for weeks before making a new plan.  As for government aid I already get WIC and we have food stamps which does helps some. I know I need to ask my mom for that money, but I just dread it even though my mom doesn't say anything to embarrass me.   I guess I just have a lot of thinking to do about where to go from here in the long run....
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  • I am not completely in your situation but I know exactly how you feel.  I am a full time student and have been taking on full loads at school while pregnant and still now that LO is here. I am applying for the nursing program this fall. I know how hard it is to work take care of LO and get through school. I have a part time job that pays for daycare. We need daycare for while I am at work and school. H has a full time job and works 60 plus hours a week and we still struggle with money sometimes right now.

    When H doesn?t help and I have had the baby all day and done school work I straight out tell him I would rather be single and be a single mom than be married and be a single mom. (if that makes sense). You need to tell your BF exactly how you feel. Be honest with him and let him know he has responsibilities whether he knows what he wants to do with his life or not he needs a job now. There is no exception to that. Either he gets a job or you and the baby go live with your mom. (If that?s an option) Don't let him hold you back. You sound like a bright, strong person.

    I don?t know if this would be an option for you or not. Could you BF get a job now and after you graduate and get a job continue trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life then. If that is an option let him knows. You know what you want to do and you are doing a great job.

    Like mentioned in another response, I dont know if you have looked into state assitence but I would at least look. It could not hurt while you are struggling and perhaps it will help ease some of your stress.

    I wish you the best of luck with your schooling and your BF. I hope everything works out well for you.

  • We will have to put LO in daycare for the fall and my parents have offered to pay for half of it if we don't qualify for financial help.  I completely understand what you mean about being a married single mom.  That's pretty much how I'm feeling and I agree I'd much rather actually be a single mom than be one with a partner. 

    This morning when I tried talking with him he just said he feels like dying and said I wont have to worry about him much longer.  Then he left.  Now all I can do is worry that he's going to do something stupid on top of this whole mess.  I don't even know how to respond to that, except to say please think about our daughter, but that didn't seem to matter at that moment.    

    I told him after I graduate we can put the whole focus on him and he can go to school or start a business or whatever he wants, but he just says there is no hope.  My DD is going to wake up from her nap in 10 minutes and I'm a wreck right now.  I'm trying so hard to just pull it together to think straight.

      

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  • If he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life how about he serve his country until he figures it out.  Tell him to go to www.usajobs.gov  they are always hiring for something.  Tell him to go talk to a recruiter.  Something.  I don't take "I don't know what to do with myself" as an answer because there is always an answer.  I also believe U.S. Customs and Border Protection is hiring customs officers. 
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  • First of all let me say how much your situation stinks... I feel so bad for you and your LO. I know it's easy to say you should seriously just drop his a$$, but the situation is more involved than that of course. But he has to understand most 23 year olds (my self included) don't really have a clear vision of what they want to do with rest of their lives, HOWEVER, you both have a child now, and both of your lives should revolve around the goal of providing a safe and secure environment for that child. He has to understand that your LO needs to be taken care of first and foremost. There's no time for self pity, laziness, immaturity, and disrespect he's showing you. You have to do what's best for you and your LO and if that's means the two of you moving in with your mom while you finish school and leaving him at the curb to man up and get a job to support himself then so be it. All he's doing is bringing you down at this point, and you already have enough stress as it is with a baby, a job, and your education. You seem like a smart, determined person, so I'm sure you'll do what's best for you and your child!  Good luck with everything and keep staying strong and motivated for your's and your LO's future!
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  • Sit him down, tell him you need to talk to him and he needs to listen until you are done.  Tell him everything you feel.  Give him a deadline and tell him if it isnt met then you will have to give notice on your apartment and you and LO will be moving in with your parents.  DO NOT drain your college fund.  That is your future and a will be a huge benefit to your LO.  I am so sorry, this has to be tough.  
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  • image babyblues314:

      He is allowing you to provide for HIM when he should be providing for you and the baby. 

    I'm sorry, did I miss that we warped back to 1950? There is nothing wrong with a woman providing for her family. However when one parent is not able to provide everything without hitting up savings constantly, it's time for the other one to get off their ass.

    I would sit down and talk to him. Tell him that he can take all the time he wants to figure out what he wants to do, but for now he needs to find a job- any job. It doesn't have to be permanent, it just needs to give him a paycheck. At the very least, he needs to be looking. It's one thing to be looking but unable to land anything. It's another to act the way he is and not even try. If he is not willing to do that, I would talk to your parents about you and baby moving in with them for a bit.

     

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    "People seem to couple an inordinate amount of stupidity with extreme laziness." ~ A wise interwebz friend.

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  • image always4278:

    We will have to put LO in daycare for the fall and my parents have offered to pay for half of it if we don't qualify for financial help.  I completely understand what you mean about being a married single mom.  That's pretty much how I'm feeling and I agree I'd much rather actually be a single mom than be one with a partner. 

    This morning when I tried talking with him he just said he feels like dying and said I wont have to worry about him much longer.  Then he left.  Now all I can do is worry that he's going to do something stupid on top of this whole mess.  I don't even know how to respond to that, except to say please think about our daughter, but that didn't seem to matter at that moment.    

    I told him after I graduate we can put the whole focus on him and he can go to school or start a business or whatever he wants, but he just says there is no hope.  My DD is going to wake up from her nap in 10 minutes and I'm a wreck right now.  I'm trying so hard to just pull it together to think straight.

      

    If he is really that depressed perhaps you should suggested he talk to somebody about it. I dont want this to sound rude in any way but it almost sounds like he is upset that now that the two of you have a child he is not getting all the attention and he is acting out so you will feel sorry for him and not make him get a job.

    Be strong. Let him know its ok to be confused. I would also let him know that it is not ok to say things like that to you and then leave. It is not ok for him to scare you like that. I would definitly suggest councling if he is really depressed. I wish you the best of luck with school, your lo and your BF

  • image MrsLynnyD:

    I have little patience for men like that. You need to put yourself and your LO first...if that means moving in with your parents so you can finish school than so be it. He needs to grow up and FAST. I WOULD NOT keep supporting him as this is taking away from your LO and what your LO may need in the future.

    You are a very strong woman for pursuing nursing while having a newborn. Don't let your bf take advantage. 1 baby is enough, you don't need to take care of 2. 

    This.  I think you're doing a fantastic job in a very tough situation.  It's entirely possible that your BF is depressed and that's interfering with his being able to get on his feet.  You might want to consider trying to get him to see someone about it.  OTOH, he's also probably gotten used to you carrying him, and it can be very difficult to get up the motivation to do something about your situation when someone else is taking care of things for you.  He may need a serious kick in the pants, and you definitely need to prioritize taking care of yourself and your LO over taking care of him.  If moving in with your parents is an option, I'd completely support doing that.  Do not let him make you feel guilty about it, either.  He's an adult, he doesn't *need* you providing for him.

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  • Do your parents know that your college fund is supporting him staying up late to watch movies and sleep in? Maybe your parents need to have a heart to heart with him.

  • I am in sort of the same situation as you. Despite the fact that my bf and I plan on getting married when we are financially able to, and that we have both agreed that it is extremely important to both of us that our daughter is raised with two parents, and that we love each other very much, I have been very very close to moving DD and I into my moms. I finally told him that we need to go to couples therapy and FAST. They offer it for free at the YMCA and that is what I suggest that you do as well. It is the best way for you to work on your relationship and for him to get some help as well. My bf struggles with severe anxiety and PTSD and therapy has been a great place for him to talk about our issues. We go once a week and have yet to see a bill. Good luck. It is obvious that you care very much for your BF, but do not let him drag you down and keep you from your career because you used all of your college fund supporting him. If it ends up not working out between you two, you don't want to resent him for that because no matter what he will always be in you and your LO's life
  • First off, let me say that I can relate to how you feel. I was in a similar situation some 15 years ago with my teenager's dad. He never had a job, it was always someone else's fault if a job didn't work out, didn't want me to discuss getting a job with him etc etc. When my daughter was 6 mo, I had enough and broke up with him and moved in with my parents. He and I were together over 3 years and I could not continue to support him and his lack of reaponsibilty. That is what it really comes down to. Your BF sounds similar in that he is being selfish and manipulative with the comments he makes. He needs to step up to the plate and fast. You have a child to consider and you should put yourself first so you can give the best to your baby. Your family is willing to be there for you while he is not. I would seriously consider taking them up on that. Needless to say, my daughter's father and I never got back together and it took a very long time for him to get his act somewhat together. I married a man that would break his back to provide and support us, I learned my lesson.
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  • While I was reading your post, I swear I thought you were my bestfriend. I actually wrote a post about her situation a week or so ago. She is in the exact same position... even as far as school goes.

    What I tell her to do, is follow her heart. You know deep down in your core, what you need to do. Your BF is not your priority. your baby is. You need to do what is best for both of you. Your BF should WANT to provide for his child, and Im sorry to say this, but if he cant step up to the plate, then he doesnt deserve you or your child.

    It sounds like you have a close relationship with your parents. I would tell BF that you are moving back in with them, and when he gets a job, and you guys are able to figure out a combined budget, then you will consider trying this again.

  • jlpevjlpev
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    You are a strong woman!!!!  You know what you need to do.  I can't give u any advice but I think u are doing a great job with u & ur daughters future.  I know its not cool but maybe he could get a job @ mcdonalds or anything until u get a job then like u said that u can focus on him after u get settled.  He needs to chip in & help u out while ur goin to school.  U need to finish school b/c thats ur future & ur daughters.  Sounds like ur a great mom!!!  He might need a good kick in the a$$ to get himself into gear.  GL!!!!
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  • I agree with the PPs. Whether it's depression or just laziness and being manipulative, your BF's behavior is doing nothing to solve your household's problems whatsoever. You are so strong and brave for working and going to school to give your LO a better life. I think you should strongly consider moving back with your parents until you can get back on your feet again. Maybe that will give BF the kick in the pants he needs. If not, well, he's made his choice.

    Good luck to you and stay strong, mama!

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