April 2011 Moms

WWYD? NBR. Shitty DH.

yes, I'm putting my personal life on the bump. Because, I need legit advice and I will not tell anyone in real life this. So, side eye me for putting my sh!t out there. or just help me. 

facebook chat on your husbands computer:

"when are you gonna send me those pics?"

"what ones?"

"lol. dont act like you dont know."

"what do you want pics of?"

"your pu$$y, duh. you know this."

"soon, lol."

 

wtf, do i do? I already confronted him. And he's "sorry." He used to do *** like this when we were dating, but I haven't seen anything since we got engaged in 2009. I thought we were past this little kid crap. Apparently not? Do I kick him out?

WTF do i do?

 

Chelsea; 7/22/2005 Carissa; 4/9/2011 Cassidy; 9/6/2012



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Re: WWYD? NBR. Shitty DH.

  • Ugh! I'm sorry you have to deal with this BS. I would honestly have a very hard time trusting him again. If he is asking for pictures from people online what else can he be doing. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your girls. Can you handle staying with him? Can you trust him or would you always be second guessing him? Think about what kind of example you want to set for your girls. The fact that he said sorry is crap. There is an underlying reason why he is doing this and you need to decide if it's something you can live with. Hugs! Hth
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  • image cpb79:
    Ugh! I'm sorry you have to deal with this BS. I would honestly have a very hard time trusting him again. If he is asking for pictures from people online what else can he be doing. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your girls. Can you handle staying with him? Can you trust him or would you always be second guessing him? Think about what kind of example you want to set for your girls. The fact that he said sorry is crap. There is an underlying reason why he is doing this and you need to decide if it's something you can live with. Hugs! Hth

    It's really sad. When we got engaged,  I said those words to myself. Can I live with it if I catch it again? But, I really thought it was over.

    I always ask him why. Like, what do you get out of it? Porn that talks back? I'm so so so angry right now and I can't think straight. Part of me wants to wake him up and tell him to get the hell out, now. The other part of me knows that's not rational and I need to stay calm to figure this out, long term, not out of a moment of anger.

    He's always been anti-counseling. But I think I might force him. Counseling or leave.

    This is gonna sound so pathetic, but he's the only man I've ever been in love with. We met when I was 14 and it's just always been him. I've been with other guys, we broke up a few times through high school. But we always ended up back together because no one has ever even almost made me feel like he does. Even right now, when I'm beyond furious. And hurt. I can't actually imagine him gone. How do you leave the only thing you've ever known?

    Ugh, I want to kill him for doing this. I hate that I even have to make this choice. And I hate that I have no one to talk to. I'd be so embarassed to admit it to anyone I know IRL.

    Chelsea; 7/22/2005 Carissa; 4/9/2011 Cassidy; 9/6/2012



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  • I am sorry, I would absolutely push counseling. Is he helping w the baby? Do you feel like he has been participating in your family? I am asking because maybe this is not at all about cheating or porn or even sex. Maybe it is about depression or something else entirely. How was he after your older girl was born? I won't excuse his behavior but he might not even know why? If I were you I would find a counselor, make an appt and then tell him about it. That way he knows your serious. If you leave it open ended he will see wiggle room and it will not happen
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  • I went through similar crap with my 1st boyfriend... ha and my 3rd. We were together forever, but of course found them both being shady in the internet. Both of the went farther than just computer talk/pictures. Maybe suggest going to counseling as a couple to get him in there. Just be prepared that if you give him an ultimatum, he might choose to leave. It's hard as he!! to let someone you have loved forever go and particularly because of your children, but you really do have to think about th trust factor. Do you want to always look over his shoulder when he is on the computer? Or always wonder if he is telling the truth when leaves the house? Definitely suggest counseling and take it from there. I understand that telling people IRL can be difficult, if you need to talk please feel free to PM any time!
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  • image campbaby76:
    I am sorry, I would absolutely push counseling. Is he helping w the baby? Do you feel like he has been participating in your family? I am asking because maybe this is not at all about cheating or porn or even sex. Maybe it is about depression or something else entirely. How was he after your older girl was born? I won't excuse his behavior but he might not even know why? If I were you I would find a counselor, make an appt and then tell him about it. That way he knows your serious. If you leave it open ended he will see wiggle room and it will not happen

    He's been great. It's funny we were just talking like 2 weeks ago about how great everything was and how we had been worried the stress of the baby would cause us to fight (I'm a little overbearing when it comes to babies. I need it done my way.) But we've been great. We have a good system and we both take turns with her. He's been home with us and taking our oldest to her TBall games and just, IDK, being great. So this was like, a punch in the face. I wasn't expecting it, at all. When he used to do it when we were younger, I was usually expecting it. I could tell. But not this time. He's been absolutely wonderful in every way. Except, this.

    Chelsea; 7/22/2005 Carissa; 4/9/2011 Cassidy; 9/6/2012



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  • This isn't "little kid crap" this is cheating motherfvcker crap. If you do nothing, accep his "apology"and let this go and he has o consequences to deal with you are telling him it os OK to cheat on you. You are giving him permission to do it again.
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  • Aside from the cheating aspect, the phrasing of that chat is a little worrisome. It doesn't sound like he's in some flirtatious relationship, but rather being a little pervy with someone who maybe doesn't feel the same way or is uncomfortable with his request.

    Do you know the person he is talking to? Did you look at her profile? 

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  • This would not fly with me. An apology is not enough, what he's doing is downright disrespectful to you not only as his partner, but also as the mother of his girls. If he's not willing, and flat out refuses to seek counseling, well then it seems he takes your relationship as a joke and feels he can get away with whatever he wants. If I were in your shoes my reaction to him would quite simply be fix your *** or leave.
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  • kje120kje120
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    I would tell him it's either counseling or he's out. Personally I don't know if I could ever trust my husband again if he did something like that - even with counseling.
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  • image wformickella:
    This would not fly with me. An apology is not enough, what he's doing is downright disrespectful to you not only as his partner, but also as the mother of his girls. If he's not willing, and flat out refuses to seek counseling, well then it seems he takes your relationship as a joke and feels he can get away with whatever he wants. If I were in your shoes my reaction to him would quite simply be fix your *** or leave.
    This. So sorry you're having to go through this.
  • **hugs** I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am glad that you have us ladies to talk with. I agree with all pp about counseling. This is not fair to you and he needs to know that.
  • image SouthSideDrea:
    This isn't "little kid crap" this is cheating motherfvcker crap. If you do nothing, accep his "apology"and let this go and he has o consequences to deal with you are telling him it os OK to cheat on you. You are giving him permission to do it again.

    I have to agree with this. Also, I'm really sorry you're going through this, and my heart hurts for you.

    I agree with the other PP that he needs to seek counseling. If he refuses, you need to make him leave. If you stay with him, you have two beautiful daughters who will think it's ok for a man to treat a woman like this. I don't think you want your daughters growing up and choosing men who will hurt them like your husband has hurt you. They need to know that it is NOT ok for a man to cheat on his wife.

    It will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but I guarantee you your daughters will thank you for it when they're older and can make healthy decisons in their own relationships.

  • First of all HUGS to you!! I've been in that shitty situation where I found a shitpot of porn on DH's cell and computer a week before Christmas. I'm anti-porn, big time. I told him he needed to take care of his problem by first deleting EVERYTHING. I also told him that I was going to disconnect the house and his phone from the internet if he felt like he couldn't control himself. My biggest arguing point was that I REFUSE to bring up a child in my house with dirty, perverted things that she can accidentally access. I'm not sure how old your DD#1 is but ask him how he would feel if she read what he wrote? If she saw a picture of this skanks pu$sy? I agree with a PP who said that you need to set up the couples counseling appointment now, before you approach him, so he knows that he must go. A PP also said that if you give him an ultimatum (which I think you should) you have to mentally prepare yourself that there is a 50% chance that he will leave. But maybe leaving is what he needs to do to realize how much he fvcked up and learn his lesson?

    Oh, I would also send this girl a message to see if she knew he was married with two daughters?? A pp mentioned her messages back to your DH sounded like she was uneasy about the whole thing. I would contact her to see how long he's been badgering her. Plus, does he have any other contact with this girl other than on the computer? These are important pieces to the puzzle. If she is uneasy with your DH's requests and he's been asking her in person, charges could be pressed and that's the last thing you need right now.

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  • Yikes, he is asking for pu$$y picks on facebook!?!? If he were looking at porn pics, I guess I'd be ok with that. But this is a real person (maybe even a friend) that he's chatting with. That is crossing the line.

    His apology probably wasn't enough because you have more to express to him.I feel like people apologize quickly to shut the conversation down. Tell him why you're so angry, sad, afraid and what you want from him (such as counseling)  Sometimes writing down your feelings helps before confronting him.

    Hugs for you, I'm sorry you are going through this.

  • image brunette mac:

    Yikes, he is asking for pu$$y picks on facebook!?!? If he were looking at porn pics, I guess I'd be ok with that. But this is a real person (maybe even a friend) that he's chatting with. That is crossing the line.

    His apology probably wasn't enough because you have more to express to him.I feel like people apologize quickly to shut the conversation down. Tell him why you're so angry, sad, afraid and what you want from him (such as counseling)  Sometimes writing down your feelings helps before confronting him.

    Hugs for you, I'm sorry you are going through this.

    this.  it's not porn, it's an actual person who he may or may not be involved with. i'm a very non-trusting person to begin with if i'm given a reason, so this would just send me over the edge, and i'm not sure i could ever forget about it.  on the other hand, there are two kids to consider, and if the farthest he's gone is asking for pictures, perhaps you can work through it in counseling.

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  • I don't have any good advice, but I wanted to tell you that there's no way I'd talk to someone IRL either. And I know what you mean about how hard it is to contemplate any other sort of life. My H and I got together when I was 14 too. Unfortunately, Drea's statements are true. Some other thoughts (what I would ask myself) You can not control other people's actions, only your own actions and reactions. Happiness is a personal choice. If you don't respect yourself, why would anybody else? Society deFines what our relationships are supposed to look like. It is your choIce whether you want to buy in to those standards or not. I'm sorry we can't all help you more. HUGS
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  • I don't have any good advice, but I wanted to tell you that there's no way I'd talk to someone IRL either. And I know what you mean about how hard it is to contemplate any other sort of life. My H and I got together when I was 14 too. Unfortunately, Drea's statements are true. Some other thoughts (what I would ask myself) You can not control other people's actions, only your own actions and reactions. Happiness is a personal choice. If you don't respect yourself, why would anybody else? Society deFines what our relationships are supposed to look like. It is your choIce whether you want to buy in to those standards or not. Most importantly, your feelings are yours. You have a right to them, all of them. I'm sorry we can't all help you more. HUG?
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  • Scout05Scout05
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    Honestly? I'm pretty shocked to hear you married someone who did things like this while you were dating. That would have been the end of the relationship right there and then for me, before I was legally bound to this person and def. before I had to share a child with them. I'm sorry, I know that's harsh, but that's my reaction.

    And apology is nothing. It's meaningless words - words I'm guessing you've heard before. Obviously it hasn't changed his behavior.

    Personally, I don't think I could not stay married to someone who has that little respect for me or our marriage. At the VERY least, counseling needs to happen right away. For both of you. You've already forgiven this behavior before (I'm curious how many times before), he knows it's not okay with you/hurts you/risks your family, and he's doing it anyway. You deserve better than that.

    Good luck.

  • Thank you everyone for the responses. As for the questions that I remember,

    It's his ex. Well, sort of. They weren't an item. They just had sex, whenever he wanted. She's gross, seriously.

    I sent her a message. She knows me. She knows we got married and had kids. And she knows I don't like her from before.

    I actually wasn't that mean in the message. I told her my issue wasn't with her but that she needed to delete him off her facebook and out of her phone and ignore him if he tries to contact her.

    IDK if I'll ever trust him. IDK if counseling will even work or this is ultimately going to end. But I feel like I HAVE to try. Like I owe it to myself and all the years I've put into this relationship to try.

    Aside from this, he's not a bad guy. I'm not saying that makes it better or okay. Just that I have to consider the whole person, yanno?

    Ugh. It sucks alot.

    Chelsea; 7/22/2005 Carissa; 4/9/2011 Cassidy; 9/6/2012



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  • image SouthSideDrea:
    This isn't "little kid crap" this is cheating motherfvcker crap. If you do nothing, accep his "apology"and let this go and he has o consequences to deal with you are telling him it os OK to cheat on you. You are giving him permission to do it again.

    I agree.  If there wasn't a new baby, it would be an easy choice (for me).  I can't imagine what you are going thru....the hurt, the anger! Ugh!  I think you need to seek the counseling and go from there. 

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  • image cynnnabun:

    Thank you everyone for the responses. As for the questions that I remember,

    It's his ex. Well, sort of. They weren't an item. They just had sex, whenever he wanted. She's gross, seriously.

    I sent her a message. She knows me. She knows we got married and had kids. And she knows I don't like her from before.

    I actually wasn't that mean in the message. I told her my issue wasn't with her but that she needed to delete him off her facebook and out of her phone and ignore him if he tries to contact her.

    IDK if I'll ever trust him. IDK if counseling will even work or this is ultimately going to end. But I feel like I HAVE to try. Like I owe it to myself and all the years I've put into this relationship to try.

    Aside from this, he's not a bad guy. I'm not saying that makes it better or okay. Just that I have to consider the whole person, yanno?

    Ugh. It sucks alot.

    Whoa.  That part makes all the difference to me.  This isn't anything like porn, or even him meeting someone anonymous online and doing like a fantasy thing. This is someone he's been with IRL before and it is cheating, cut and dry.  He's cheating on you.  

    If I were in this situation, I would kick him out and also demand he go to counseling with you if he wants a chance at saving his relationship with you.  He can live somewhere else while you guys try to work things out.  I'd be too hurt to have to see him and live next to him all the time like nothing happened.  I feel like HE'S the one that needs to work at saving the relationship, not you.  He just did the one thing that is the most detrimental to any relationship, and this isn't the first time he's done it.  He'll do it again if there aren't serious consequences and he isn't faced with potentially losing everything.  He needs to understand that HE did that.  HE ruined things by cheating, you didn't ruin anything by reacting to that.

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.  It's a really sh!tty situation and I totally understand how hard it makes everything to think about how wonderful he is in every other area of your lives.  It's a very personal issue and I don't blame you for not talking to people IRL about it.  I probably wouldn't either.  Good luck with everything.  I hope you find a resolution that ultimately makes you happy. 

  • If I remember correctly, there was something shady going on earlier--like he kissed some other girl after you found out you were pregnant, or something like that? I think you need to get out of this relationship. You're REALLY young. I don't mean that in a condescending way, I mean, you're going to live for a long, long time, and do you really want to put up with not trusting someone for your whole life and be raising DAUGHTERS with someone who feels this way about women?

    I honestly don't think counseling helps with cheaters. They justify it, and they often use whatever the counselor says against you. What if he justifies it with, "You're spending so much time with the baby; I didn't feel special"? Are you going to spend LESS time with your baby? No. Later it will be, "You were spending so much time at work, that I felt lonely." The story always changes to justify their behavior. 

    I honestly think you should get out while you can. (I think I PM'ed you the same thing back when you found out he kissed or made out with some other girl after you found out you were pregnant.)

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  • image SouthSideDrea:
    This isn't "little kid crap" this is cheating motherfvcker crap. If you do nothing, accep his "apology"and let this go and he has o consequences to deal with you are telling him it os OK to cheat on you. You are giving him permission to do it again.

    This.  I'm sorry, but I'd be peacing out of that situation.  At the very least I'd try counseling.  

     

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  • image cynnnabun:

    I sent her a message. She knows me. She knows we got married and had kids. And she knows I don't like her from before. I actually wasn't that mean in the message. I told her my issue wasn't with her but that she needed to delete him off her facebook and out of her phone and ignore him if he tries to contact her.

    This isn't an issue with this girl so it is pointless to send her a message. This is a dh problem. Cheaters are cheaters. If its not this girl it will be another. You can't go behind him and yell at every girl who cheats with him. It takes two.


    But I feel like I HAVE to try. Like I owe it to myself and all the years I've put into this relationship to try.

    You dont. It's absurd to think so. He's already failed numerous times and you HAVE already tried. What more do you want? I'm sorry to be blunt but you're an idiot if you don't drop him. No way will he change.


    Aside from this, he's not a bad guy. I'm not saying that makes it better or okay. Just that I have to consider the whole person, yanno?

    ASIDE from this?! What more do you need? He could be a saint aside from cheating, but why on earth do you think the cheating isn't a big enough part to define his character? That pretty much shows me the kind of person he is. 


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  • Scout05Scout05
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    Yeah, now that you've elaborated further...you need to leave. If you don't, it's on you. He's proven his character, frankly, and there is not a chance in hell I would raise my daughters in an environment like that. This isn't even really about you and him anymore, it's about them and the example of marriage/partnership/how women should be treated that is being set.

    And it's for sure not about the other woman.  I don't know why you are emailing her, the problem isn't her. It's your husband. She's not the one who is married and the father to two innocent children. Don't focus on her, that's just an excuse not to hold him fully accountable for his actions - this is about HIM. He's an ass.

    SHE doesn't need to delete him from FB, her phone, ignore when he calls. HE needs to do those things and FFS not be calling her. Come on now. She owes you nothing. He's the one cheating here. And yes, I consider this cheating.

    Sorry, but there it is. It sucks that you are in this situation, but it's time to grow up and see him for what he is. I don't care how he behaves in any other situation - this is pretty defining.

    (And if what PP said about him kissing another woman is true, I really have to ask WTF more you need to get the message this guy is worthless.)

  • image shaindelr:

    If I remember correctly, there was something shady going on earlier--like he kissed some other girl after you found out you were pregnant, or something like that? I think you need to get out of this relationship. You're REALLY young. I don't mean that in a condescending way, I mean, you're going to live for a long, long time, and do you really want to put up with not trusting someone for your whole life and be raising DAUGHTERS with someone who feels this way about women?

    I honestly don't think counseling helps with cheaters. They justify it, and they often use whatever the counselor says against you. What if he justifies it with, "You're spending so much time with the baby; I didn't feel special"? Are you going to spend LESS time with your baby? No. Later it will be, "You were spending so much time at work, that I felt lonely." The story always changes to justify their behavior. 

    I honestly think you should get out while you can. (I think I PM'ed you the same thing back when you found out he kissed or made out with some other girl after you found out you were pregnant.)

     

    If this is true you seriously need to be done with his sorry a$$ excuse for a man. ?You owe it to yourself and your girls to build a better life for yourself. What would you say/do if one of your girls was in a situation like this? You would want them to get out. Do the same for yourself. Yes, it will suck and be one of the hardest things you will do, but HE did this not you. There is nothing you can do to change him, the issue isn't you, it's him and always will be. Kick him out ASAP.

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  • i  can somewhat relate to your story... i was  engaged once before i met my husband and a very similar thing happened to me. truth be told, no matter how much advice your given on this website or IRL no one can make the change except cor you. i understand it takes time bc its a really hard thing to walk  away from someone you love. however IMO its the only.thing you should xo cor both you and your girls.... also IMO counseling doesnt help ppl who dont want help... if he wanted help he would initiate it on his own not be forced into it by you. cheaters are cheaters.. i dont mean to pop your balloon of hoe but as pp have stated he knows this girl and he is a repeat offender. this man is no good. and since hes doing this on the internet there is no way you can evey know 100% he will not do it again... he can create.different accts you wont know about. bottom line is only you can make the  choice to get your life going a different direction. im sry ur going through this. i know its hard  and change is tough but.things do get better and good men do exist who dont do these stupid things... gl and hugs
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  • First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's a crappy situation.

    A couple of things to consider as you move forward...

     Only you can decide what is right for you and your family.  Check out the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring.  It can help you decide what you consider infidelity.  For some, it's intercourse.  For others, an emotional involvement is considered an affair, or in your case - pornography.  The book is very well written and easy to read.  It's a great starting place as you figure things out.

     With regards to counseling, research has shown that one of the most important factors in therapy is the therapeutic relationship between you/DH and the therapist.  Not the type of therapy or the techniques they use.  Most important, you both need to feel like you can connect with the therapist and be open and honest.  This is especially true if you want DH to buy into the process.  You may consider a male therapist so that he doesn't feel "bombarded" by a strictly female interaction.  Plus, you can interview therapists.  the first one you go to might not be the right person for you/DH.  Also, some therapist will only see the couple as a unit and other therapists will see you as a couple and as individuals.  If the therapist will see you as individuals, ask about their policies.  In order to adhere to ethical guidelines, if they will see you separately then they'll likely have an open communication type policy: what you/DH say in individual sessions is fair game in couple sessions (you DO NOT want a therapist who will "keep secrets").

     Only you can decide what is right for you. What you're willing to accept and what you will not tolerate; how to forgive and trust again, or the choice not to. Good luck.

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  • GHBEAGHBEA
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    From past experience when they say they are sorry and then repeat the same behavior they don't change.

    My ex was an abusive alcoholic, he apologized and I took him back and back and back.  He would use all those pretty words "I love you, I can't live with out you and the girls, whats going to happen to me?" any thing you can think of he said and I accepted it.

    Only when I accepted it he figured he could keep abusing us and drinking at the bars and friends houses all night long.  Which in return made him an angry drunk.

    My girls started to pick up on what was going on and when I realized I was staying for my own selfish needs  and not that of my girls I got out of the relationship.

    My self and my girls are now with a wonderful man (my DH) he treats us like we are people with feelings and not some second class citizens to his own needs.  My girls know now how a man it to treat a woman and his children.  With love and respect.

    Only you can make the choice to leave him, and think of your girls do you want them growing up thinking its ok to have some one who hurts you get away with it all the time. They deserve better.

    What ever you do good luck. 

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  • My best girlfriend was going through the exact same thing. She found sexually explicit texts and messages on her husband's computer, including pictures almost 2 months ago (on the morning my DD was born!) She decided instantly that she was going to leave him, and they are currently working through a divorce.

    For her, it was the last straw on top of a huge pile of other bs that had added up over the years.

    I'm not telling you what I think you should do, but I know personally I would have a very hard time trusting my husband again. My mantra has always been "once a cheater" (and I do consider this kind of behavior cheating).

    If you do manage to get him into counselling with you, I will you all the luck in the world. I hope things work out for you. ((Hug))

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