Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

New & not doing well... (little long, sorry)

Hi everyone, I'm new to this board and I feel utterly lost.

I lost my little one at 7 weeks.  My due date had been 12/28/11.

It all started on Easter Sunday (after we announced the big news at brunch) with brown spotting.  As soon as I saw that my stomach dropped through my feet.  I was on the phone with the nurse at my OB's office first thing the next morning, but she said it was nothing to worry about unless bright red, pad-soaking, etc.  We had an u/s that Thursday where the tech couldn't find anything.  They scheduled me for blood work the following Tuesday.  After the u/s, DH & I both thought I'd had a m/c and had started to accept it. I honestly felt it in my bones that this pregnancy wasn't right.  Then we got a call on Tuesday evening that my numbers were "nice & high" and that I was definitely still pg.  We were elated and excited.  We went in for another u/s that Thursday and saw the gestational sac & h/b, though it was smaller than it should have been and unusually high up in the uterus.  Seeing the h/b made it so much more real.  Then Saturday morning I passed a huge clot in the shower and was bleeding bright red and more than before.  We went in for our previously scheduled 1st OB appt that Tuesday, and what was supposed to be a happy day became one of tears.  We had 2 more u/s that day there was no h/b.  At this point we'd been on an emotional roller coaster for more than 2 weeks, so we made the decision to schedule a D&C for the next day (my OB's surgery day).  

I thought I'd be relieved to have the constant stress & worry of the previous weeks behind me.  And in a sense I was relieved at that part.  What I wasn't prepared for was the crushing grief that I'm experiencing.  I can barely function right now.  I'm trying so hard, but I just don't want to move, work, think, or anything.  I feel like my eyes are constantly brimming with tears, and I'm fighting so hard not to let them flow (at least where anyone can see).  My brain knows that the reason that we miscarry is usually that the baby isn't developing the way it should.  That's probably why the baby was smaller than it should have been (at least a week behind in size based on my LMP).  My brain knows that but my heart... hurts.  I'm hoping that once we can start TTC again I can focus on that and the hope will get me through.

Thanks for letting me share.  DH is trying to be supportive and he's being very loving, but he clearly has no idea what to do.  I'd tell him what to do if I had any idea myself.

For those of you who've miscarried, how long did it take before you could function again?  Has starting to TTC again helped?

Re: New & not doing well... (little long, sorry)

  • naflmjnaflmj
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
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    I am so sorry for your loss. For me, the physical process wasn't as drawn out (1 week from spotting to being over with) so I think that helped a bit. I would say once the physical part was over I felt a bit better because I didn't have that reminder every time I went to the bathroom. I was able to function and get through a normal day after a week but I still lose it a lot. When someone announces a pregnancy on FB I cry, when I see a stupid commercial about pregnancy, I lose it, etc. We have gotten the OK to try again and while I am glad I also am so angry and sad that we can't have that baby back and that I have to go through IVF all over again.  

    "Normal day, let me be aware of the treasured day you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart...let me hold you while I may."

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    TTC #1- unexplained...lost left ovary 4/07 IUI #1 2/10/09-BFN IUI #2 3/5/09-BFN IVF # 1-BFP

    TTC#2- FET 4/7/11 BFP, Natural mc 5/5/11 IVF#2 ER 9/13/11, ET 9/16/11, Beta #1 9/27/11 BFP 254 Beta #2 9/30/11 793 -Twins!

  • so sorry for what you are experiencing. i too have had a roller coaster of emotions these past few weeks.  at what should have been 6.5 or 7 weeks we had an u/s and only saw the sac so they figured our dates were off (my periods were super irregular after going off b/c so there was no LMP to date it) i didnt worry about anything, they scheduled us for an u/s two weeks later. well two weeks later we go in and there is only a larger gestational sac, no baby still :( apparently a blighted ovum.  we were devastated.  they dr couldnt believe i hadnt had any spotting or cramps. they scheduled me to come back in a week to double check since id had no m/c symptoms. one week later still no baby, which was so shocking because i felt really pregnant- morning sickness, sooo tired blah blah blah i was horrified. how could this be happening to me! i was so mad at the universe for taking my first little one. the next week they scheduled my d&c. i held it together pretty well the final week - ended up having some spotting but as soon as i got into the hospital bed i cried, i felt so sad as this was it. over. done. no more.

     

    it has now been two weeks and one day since my d&c and i didn't cry yesterday at all, had an eye watery session but no tears for the first time. it doesn't get easier, but it does get to where you can get your life back. as cliche as it is, everything does happen for a reason, and you must believe that. give yourself time to grieve. you lost your baby and you need to go through all the emotions to heal yourself.  it is truly not fair and sucks. i suggest taking a few days off of work, (i hope you can do this) lay in bed, nap as much as you need to, cry as much as you need to - ive broken down in the grocery store and the gym now but i don't give a crap what anyone thinks!  do whatever you need to do, i have found walking my dog and getting outside is really helping me. good luck to you, i hope you find some sort of comfort in this board - it has really seriously helped me the past week and i thank the ladies on here for their support, we are all here for each other.

    xoxo 

    ? J + J = 5/29/10.?
    TTC since 8/2010. Irregular cycles after stopping BCP.
    1st BFP! 3/26/11. Missed M/C - D&C 5/2/11.
    Always missed: Our little Blueberry. It's Never Over.
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    I completely understand the emotional roller coaster you've been on.  When we went for our first ultrasound, our baby measured at 7 weeks, but I knew we should have been at 9 weeks.  When I called my OB's office (ultrasound was done at another place) about my concerns the nurse just said all they care about at that point is a good heartbeat and that I probably had my dates wrong (I knew I didn't).  I was convinced at that point that I was going to have a miscarriage.  We went to our perinatologist (due to problems in previous pregnancy) a couple weeks later and the baby had grown perfectly since the last ultrasound.  I was shocked because I wasn't expecting to see a heartbeat.  The peri also brushed off my concerns about the baby measuring behind.  At this point, I thought maybe everyone else was right and things might be ok.

    Two weeks later we went in for our NT scan and were told our baby wouldn't live more than a few more weeks due to extreme swelling and a huge nuchal measurement.  We went in for a CVS test a couple days later and then learned our daughter had Down Syndrome.  Normally, this wouldn't be a huge concern, except they could already see she had a severe heart defect and with the swelling (hydrops) it was pretty much impossible for her to live much longer.  We didn't want to terminate so we went in for weekly ultrasounds until her heart stopped.

    I had my d&c this past Wednesday and the drama continued.  I lost a ton of blood, needed a blood transfusion, and had to stay in the hospital for two nights. 

    I've found that I'm much more emotional now than I have been since this whole nightmare began with our NT scan over a month ago.  I thought waiting for our daughter to die would be the hardest part, but at least then I still had her with me.  Now she is gone and I know I will never get her back and it's incredibly difficult to deal with.  We've also struggled with infertility and this was our surprise miracle pregnancy.  I have no idea if or when we will ever get pregnant again and I think that is making this entire ordeal much more difficult.

    I can't help you with your questions because I've only been out of the hospital for a few days since my d&c and am having a very rough time.  I'm looking forward to being able to ttc again, but I think it's going to bring a lot of fear with it because I don't know if we will be able to get pregnant again.  My husband has also been trying, but he acts so optimistic it drives me crazy sometimes.  He's just convinced we'll get pregnant easily the next time and it will be another girl and everything will be perfect.  After two high risk pregnancies with the second one being a loss, I'm having a lot of trouble being optimistic.

    Even though I don't have any answers or advice for you, I wanted to let you know you aren't alone. 

    It took 3 1/2 long years, but we finally got our little miracle!
    IVF #1 - BFP (6dt)
    Unassisted Pregnancy #2 - lost at 15w6d due to T21, severe heart defects, and fetal hydrops

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  • I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar situation. I had a feeling from the beginnng something was wrong just based on my beta numbers. I hope you can get some answers and am glad to hear that for the most part the worst is over. I too passed a large clot in the shower and bled and remember that feeling. That is something i will never forget. Big hugs to you hun!
    TTC #1 with PCOS since 1/10

    6/10-10/10 Clomid 100&150mg~ cancelled,no response,Provera

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    **Praying 3rd time's the charm!!**



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    Sweet Peter, all these stories make my heart hurt.  You know, even as of this morning in Confessions, I wrote about appreciating a silver lining I'd found with my loss last week (which was to be grateful that my instincts were reliable enough to tell me that something wasn't right with the pregnancy, like you wrote above).  My addendum is that despite this, there are moments when it really sucks, and I can't even imagine being in the shoes of you ladies who are trying so hard for your first.  I have two sons and am, of course, so thankful for their health and existence.  But it still hurts to lose a baby, even if it's early and even if I've had successful pregnancies before.  I was surprised, actually, to be so bummed today at work, bobbing between wanting to cry and wanting to say to co-workers fawning over someone's pregnant belly that "that was supposed to be me too, in a couple months."  Now I have this defensive edge thrown in, feeling like I have to justify being unsettled because it was an early loss and I have two sons already. 

    I imagine the answer to your question will be a really unhelpful quip that everyone's different with their healing processes...however...I hope you can at least allow yourself to your grief.  At the very least, you're in good company here with women who, from what I've read, have been through the same or worse and have advice and kind words to offer.  I say if you have to throw something or do the "ugly cry" in the shower, go for it.  Works for me, anyway.  :)

    [center]J born 11/2005, C born 3/2007, A born 4/2012[/center]

    [center]BFP# 1 5 May 2011, M/C 13 May 2011[/center]

    [center]BFP #2 7/31[/center]
    [center]Beta #1 (9 DPO): 23; Beta #2 (11 DPO): 99; Beta #3 (18 DPO): 2555[/center]
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  • Ladies, thank you so much for sharing your stories and your support.  It is helpful to know I'm not alone in this.  It was also somewhat cathartic just to write down out all the things I've been thinking about.  Today was a little better.  I didn't cry at all (yet).  Just a few well-ups.  I received my 8 week email from thebump today, and that was really tough.  I thought I'd discontinued those.  I think I fixed that now, though.

    wed23 - I was told my dates were off too, even though I knew I was right on.  I'm sure the doctors & nurses get paranoid parents-to-be all the time, but maybe they should listen to us a little bit more. 

    My mom suggested that I seek counseling/medication for my grief.  I'm kind of not down with that, though I don't judge anyone who is.  I will usually opt to tough through things.  So I'm working on that.  My T&Ps go out to everyone else on this board.  What an extraordinary group of women.

    I saw this quote earlier today and thought it apropos:


    Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb but how well you bounce.  ~Vivian Komori
    Let's bounce on, ladies. 
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