2nd Trimester

So upset I don't even know what to do... Who DOES this?!

So, today DH and I went to the Baby Expo, and we invited his parents along because I wanted to include them.

 His mother, as a bit of background, has two sons, and I'm assuming feels threatened by another woman in the mix... Because she's crazy. She threw a fit at my wedding and caused a scene, is constantly making snide remarks about my husband and I and our lives (and making it clear we arent to her standards), and now... Well it was a last straw today.

 A few weeks ago when we told her we were having a girl, she was visibly disappointed. Father in Law was very excited, and all she could say was "Oh. Yeah. You were hoping for a girl." In a flat tone.

So, back to today, we were at the baby expo, and she's talking to a salesperson, and I overhear her say "Well, I was looking at all the cute football stuff... UNFORTUNATELY she's having a girl..." and even when I called her out and said "Unfortunately? I can hear you, you know." And then she continued to look at everything boy.

When I heard her say that, I was honestly ready to just walk out. I was SO hurt. Nothing I've done has ever been to her standards, no matter how hard I try, and I just can't do it anymore. She's always saying hurtful things and spouting insults... and now TWO of the most important events in my life, my wedding and then my first child, are negative events.

I came home and just broke down. I've finally calmed down enough to put words together, but I've never been so hurt or angry... This is my child, you know? Who actually says that it's unfortunately a girl?! 

So, apparently even giving her a grandchild was something I've done wrong.

 Edit: Oh, and right before we left, she told me  how she was going to get DD into football... Just as long as DD was "more graceful" than I am.
 

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Re: So upset I don't even know what to do... Who DOES this?!

  • What does your husband think about her actions?
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  • image FunMom2Be:
    What does your husband think about her actions?

     

    DH didn't really know what to do. He was upset, but he said he's heard this stuff all his life... He's just come to expect it. But I'm new to this and I'm refusing to get used to being put down all the time. Lol, it may be stubborn but I just don't think its healthy.

     

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  • image christinemurray91:

    image FunMom2Be:
    What does your husband think about her actions?

     

    DH didn't really know what to do. He was upset, but he said he's heard this stuff all his life... He's just come to expect it. But I'm new to this and I'm refusing to get used to being put down all the time. Lol, it may be stubborn but I just don't think its healthy.

     

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    My MIL is insane as well. After dealing with his mother for 37 years he finally stopped taking her calls. She kept emailing and calling and then she plucked the last straw for him. She wrote him an email, making it all about her, and basically saying it's not right for him not to call her bc it only takes a few minutes out his life. Now keep in mind, this woman from day 1 has always been threatened by me. WHY I have no idea. Finally he said the reason I dont call or email is because you are always drama, and how she always left him behind for the men in her life and just basically said I am done with you lets cut ties now. So that is something that your husband needs to deal with on his own, because eventually she will pluck that last nerve. It might not be any time soon, but trust me...it will happen.

    The way I handled her, I didn't take her ***. I stood my ground and let her know that I will not be run over by her actions and she will not try to dictate anything in our lives. So I say let her know that you're not going to deal with it. Be honest with her, and tell her how you feel and how you do not appreciate the things she does, and if she can't respect you and your feelings then you guys need to reconsider her being apart of your life/babies life/whatever you decide is best for you. My husband decided that his mom is going to have nothing to do with our baby, and I am greatful for that. Does it hurt her feelings? Absolutely, but it's nothing compared to what she has done to him growing up or me in this marraige.  

    Best of luck on the MIL... they can be real bitches sometimes!

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  • 1 - It's time to stop including her in baby related things. Don't talk about the baby with her, don't invite her to these kinds of events. Pretty much short of letting her know when the baby is born, keep your communication about the subject restricted to your FIL since he does seem to be excited.

    2 - Make the decision that what she says has nothing to do with your feelings. Instead of getting hurt and/or upset by what she says, make the conscious decision to feel sorry for her. You don't have to respond with words, just stop and think about how happy you feel about the beautiful girl you are about to have, shake your head a little to yourself and think "What a shame, to bad so sad for her."

    When my DH called to tell his mother we were expecting, he received utter silence on the other end of the line. After about 10 seconds he asked "Did the call drop?" to which she replied "No. Well, I guess that's what (akalutts) wanted." 

    Yeah. Pretty much what we expected since she doesn't like babies and kids to begin with. Even she came around a few weeks later and at least emailed him an apology stating that she is happy for us and had picked out yarn for a blanket. Honestly, I was most disappointed for my hubs that she couldn't be HAPPY for him, but I CHOSE to remain happy and excited about this LO.

    BIG HUGS and start working on not letting her affect your emotions. As He-Man says "(You) I Have The Power!"

    :)

    (wow, sorry that got long)

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  • She sounds wretched, sorry. I would be done making an effort to include them.
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  • image christinemurray91:

    image FunMom2Be:
    What does your husband think about her actions?

     

    DH didn't really know what to do. He was upset, but he said he's heard this stuff all his life... He's just come to expect it. But I'm new to this and I'm refusing to get used to being put down all the time. Lol, it may be stubborn but I just don't think its healthy.

     

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    It's not healthy and personally if I were you, I would make it clear to her that she will start being left out of these types of things and her opinions on important stuff will NO LONGER matter. As you said, it's your daugther and clearly you and your DH are happy so don't let her bring you down. I know my mom had a hard time being excited for me after having nothing but 3 boys in a row (1st boy she was OVER the hill!!) but she continued to make baby blankets and purchase me a couple of maternity tops etc. Just lay it out now before it gets worse.

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  • atackatack
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    So sorry, but the priceless remark would have been you know you're son was the reason this baby is a girl.  It is his X or Y chromosome that determines the sex.  Maybe she should talk to her son about how "disappointed" she is that she's having a granddaughter. 


    Honestly, I bet she's not disappointed at all, but wants to make you feel bad and like your walking on eggshells near her because you are the #1 in her son's life now.

     

    Best of luck!  I am sure she will make a turn around once she meets that little girl.

  • LOL, your MIL sounds like a piece of work. Honestly, I wouldn't let it get you down. She sounds like a nut case. Also...quit inviting her to outings & events.
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  • We must have the same MIL!  Aaannndd my name is Christine too...weird.  She walked out of our wedding rehersal and wasn't that excited for grandchildren.

    I could go on for about 4-5 more paragraphs but why bother, you know the story.

    My advice...IGNORE her.  If she is anything like my MIL she just wants to stir up stuff.  Hopefully your husband will stand up for you though.  Mine has told her on a number of occasions to just leave. 

    Trust me, she enjoys seeing you upset, so don't let it upset you infront of her. 

    Here's something funny too, my MIL has only 2 sons as well....

    hmmmmm....Hmm

  • Your husband allows his mom to treat you like this?  It sounds like you stand up for yourself but does your DH ever stand up for you?

    My husband would flip a lid if his mom ever talked to me/about me like that.

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  • Anyone can see you are trying to extend an olive branch to her.

    My advice, don't. It isn't worth putting yourself through this. If she doesn't want a girl, tough. That's what she gets. She can quit acting like a spoiled child or she doesn't have to be involved in her granddaughter's life.

    My MIL has two sons as well. When we had DS, she blamed me for not being able to give her a granddaughter. You know that's my fault since I carry that Y chromosome. She wasn't overly enthusiastic about DS and isn't very involved. When we were home over New Years, she was watching DS for a bit just so she could spend time with him. She showed her as$ and stomped into the other room and told DH "I don't want to spend time with your son. I want to spend time with you." Both of us were very disappointed. 

    So, we came to the conclusion if she doesn't want to be involved, we won't go out of our way to make her involved. I don't care for FIL that much because he says a lot of dumb sh!t. However, he is wonderful with DS and I am grateful. 

    In the end, my mom is over the moon about DS and the new baby. So baby isn't losing out on a great relationship with a grandma. 

    Just do yourself a favor and let her behave how she wants. Either she will grow up and come around or she will not be involved. I feel sorry for you and your DH. I understand what it is like to deal with this BS. It is not only sad, but humiliating.

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  • I have had a lot of MIL issues, so I can definitely relate! Your DH really needs to step up and defend you.  I understand that that may be difficult for him, but as your husband, he really needs to do something. 

    ETA: I just read what you said about your DH not knowing what do to, and yeah, My DH's response for a long time, 'Oh, she's just always been like that, dont take it too hard" and then finally he got it.  I am his wife, I am not second to his mother.  Regardless of if someone has always been like that or not, they know that what they are saying it hurtful, and they need to be told that it will not be tolerated now, or when the baby comes.  

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  • I do not understand the unhealthy attachments that some women develop towards their sons! I've heard of others like this as well, it's really quite crazy. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I would try to ignore her and wouldn't go out of my way to include her in anything.
  • This is unbelievable....I am so sorry you had to go through this.  She is obviously  an inconsiderate wench. 
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  • My MIL is a horrid person as well. I have been treated so bad by this woman that I eventually told my husband she was no longer allowed in my home. His feelings were hurt, but he never really stood up for me when it came to his family. So in order to save my sanity, I shut them out. I am so sorry she said this to you. Whether boy or girl, babies should be celebrated and aren't "unfortunate"

    Oh.... and I swear to god there is something twisted about these woman actually being threatened and jealous about another woman in their sons lives. It really creeps me out. My MIL pulled the "well I guess you don't need me anymore <sniff, sob>" with my husband. Sweet Jesus get a life. Sorry..... it feels good to say this. lol

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  • omg, that's horrible!! i'm so sorry you have to go through this with her snide remarks. :(

    you can inform her, though, that it's the father's sperm that picks the gender, and there was nothing you could have done different to give her a grandson. which, btw, i feel that she's totally selfish by saying "her granddaughter" instead of "your daughter". 

    she obviously has expectations too high to be held up to, so if i were in your shoes, i would stop even attempting to make her happy. she would rather have a grandson? fine, don't let her in her granddaughter's life. you're not good enough for her son? tough t*tty, he chose me. 

    show her you can stand up to her (bravo on the calling her out!!) and she'll either back off or go away. if she goes away that easily, it's probably best that she not have a huge influence on your DD anyway. 

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  • My MIL is the same way. I have a story VERY similar but I won't go on about it. I have since decided to keep her at a distance I am ok with.  I don't give a sh-- what she thinks. The things she has said and done have caused me to redefine the relationship she will have with my girls. Her loss, not mine. Just remember-you are the mother of this baby which makes you the boss!!  Do not give her the power to upset you so much.
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  • I do not enjoy my MIL's company, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt.  I tried to include MIL as much as possible during my last pregnancy.  She treated me like I was the surrogate for "her baby" once DD was born.  I nipped that sh*t in the bud immediately.  The inlaws visit less than once a month now.  They have lots of different views on things that DH and I are not interested in sharing with our children.

    In some cultures, people feel that boys are more valuable and desirable than girls.  I am all for respecting other people's cultures, but I do draw the line when their beliefs are discriminatory and/or racist.  Several of DH's family members asked me if we were disappointed when we found out we were having a girl.  I said "no, of course not".  They didn't drop it there.  Saying things like "maybe you're not disappointed, but how is YH taking it?" and "well, you can keep trying for your boy".  A girl is not a consolation prize and I will not have my DD around that kind of thinking.  So, I limit her contact with people like that.  You and your DH need to have a serious talk about this issue.  Maybe I am reading too much into the "unfortunately she is having a boy" comment, but it would bother me.  At any rate, good luck with your MIL. 

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  • image rainlily:

    I do not enjoy my MIL's company, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt.  I tried to include MIL as much as possible during my last pregnancy.  She treated me like I was the surrogate for "her baby" once DD was born.  I nipped that sh*t in the bud immediately.  The inlaws visit less than once a month now.  They have lots of different views on things that DH and I are not interested in sharing with our children.

    can i ask, how did you set her straight about the surrogate thing? i'm trying to conquer this myself, but MIL is overbearingly "polite" about it, so i don't want to be harsh. i just want her to know she won't be the one raising her... 

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  • I'd put a lot of time and distance between your MIL and your family. How does New Brunswick sound? Stick out tongue That's across the country fro Ontario, right? hehe Seriously, though... she sounds like a piece of work. Sorry you have to deal with her.
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  • She is jealous. Now she has to compete with you and a cute baby girl. Nice. I am so glad you are having a girl!
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  • sounds quite familiar...just like my mom. My mom went crazycakes after DH and I got married and she realized she didnt have "control" over me anymore, which is odd because she hadnt since I was in HS. Anyhow, when we had DS it got even worse and this Christmas it will be 3 years since we have spoken. Its all about control and you are taking her baby away (her son). What she is doing is rude, hurtful and completely 100% inappropriate for her to be doing. But there's not much you can do to change her actions. My advice? If she is going to act like that dont include her. If she gets upset, tell her why. Tell her that her comments hurt your feelings and you wont be subject to it. And hopefully your DH (even though he is "used to it") says something to her to show you are a unified front and wont accept being treated like that. Trust me, it will NOT get any better unless you draw the line with her
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  • image akalutts:

    1 - It's time to stop including her in baby related things. Don't talk about the baby with her, don't invite her to these kinds of events. Pretty much short of letting her know when the baby is born, keep your communication about the subject restricted to your FIL since he does seem to be excited.

    This this this! I cannot figure out why you would invite someone like that to an Baby Expo anyway... 

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  • Sorry you have to deal with that. I think they want to relive what it was like with their sons. When we told my MIL we were having a girl at first she didn't say anything. 4 weeks later after another scan she asked if the results were the same and when I said yes she said "ok, i'm fine. a healthy baby is all that matters. ok, fine. fine." --it was like she was talking herself off a ledge. Since then she hasn't said one word. Talk to DH and maybe he can talk to her for you.
  • Am I the only one who thinks she is probably jealous of you?  Maybe she was secretly sad that she didn't have a girl so she is reflecting these feelings on to you.  Trying to knock you down a peg. 

    Don't let her get you down and put some space/distance between you and her.  Start sticking up for yourself.  I have for the first time (been together for 9 yrs) and it really p!sses her off.  She keeps telling everyone how being K/O has made me so crabby.  :)  She won't pull her crap anymore

    GL and hope you can successfully ignore her.

    side note I have a MIL that did the sniff sniff sob sob oh he won't have that much time for me now that you are around... get a F*ing life!

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  • My Dh has an aunt who is like this- bitter, nasty person. She once said a few inappropriate comments to me and not only did my DH give her some words, but my MIL did, too.

     

    Your DH needs to stick up for you, and make SURE MIL knows that is NOT ok.

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  • image SugarQueen101:
    LOL, your MIL sounds like a piece of work. Honestly, I wouldn't let it get you down. She sounds like a nut case. Also...quit inviting her to outings & events.

    This!

    Stop inviting her to things, don't call her, and when you must be around her, be civil and sweet.  You don't need to make a big deal out of it, half the time I think people like that just want to see you upset.  If they really care about being involved in their grandkids lives they will realize they need to change their behavior.  If not, no harm no foul, you don't want those kind of people around your kids anyways.  But stop punishing yourself, and stop including her thinking she will suddenly have completely changed.  Enjoy this time with DH and eliminate the nasty situations from your life.  

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  • everyone has given you such good advice, christine. i'm also very sorry that you have to deal with a person like that. i just can't wrap my head around why people say and do the things they do!

    anyway, i also agree that your DH needs to stand up for -HIS- family (you and DD) and create a boundary here. he needs to make sure that his family members are not hurt or caused pain, and that means standing up for you. MIL needs to know what isn't gonna happen anymore (her attitude towards you and DD), and she needs to hear it from your DH, otherwise she will have more and more ammo against you down the road (she'll take you're standing up for yourself as being rude and crude).

    my SO wouldn't have let his mom talk to me like that, and I had to draw the line with my own father when he was being an a$$ to SO. i have -NEVER- gone this long without talking to my dad (we are a very close family) and believe me, it was hard to stand up to him. but just like it will be difficult at first for your DH to stand up to his mom, he has got to do it. i'm in the protecting-MY-family mode now and we're not planning on having anything to do with my dad until we get an apology.

    i hope your situation can be fixed. i would hate for DD to come into the world with one ness grandparent, or a snobby one at that.

    good luck! 

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  • So sorry, but the priceless remark would have been you know you're son was the reason this baby is a girl.  It is his X or Y chromosome that determines the sex.  Maybe she should talk to her son about how "disappointed" she is that she's having a granddaughter. 

     

    This is exactly what I would have said.  And I would have let her know that if she continues to devalue my daugther, she will have nothing to do with her.  My child will be raised to view herself as the equal of men, not their subordinates.

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