I feel like no matter what I do I can't get away from something that has to do with babies. Since my surgery was so complex I have only left the house three times in the last two weeks, but I am still seing pregnancy everywhere. It doesn't matter if I'm on the internet or watching the televison, I see pregnant women and babies and everytime it is like a knife in a heart. It just reminds me that I'm not going to have my baby.
And them I'm ticked off because my ex has my son this weeikend, and he is taking my son on an Easter Egg hunt, and shockingly enough he invited me and my DH to come along, but I am in so much pain from the surgery I can barely get around the house. They had to move me from extra strength Vicodin to Morphine, and I the only difference that I notice between the two is that the morphine makes me EXHAUSTED. I feel bad because I didn't even play with my son today, both my DH and I are looking for a job, and I spent 3 hours sleeping before my ex picked him up, and two hours after he left. I know that I am severly depressed and that will make me very tired, but add to that, that I'm on medicine that makes me drowsy and I feel like crap. But, I don't know if they can give me anything stronger that will let me function during the day.
I feel so hollow lately, both emotionally and physically. There is one nice thing, the suicidal thoughts have slowed down, they haven't stopped, but I'm not having as many of them, but I feel so worthless, my body can't even work right so that I can have a baby. And then I feel hollow because I know that there is no longer a baby in me. I know that I was only 9 weeks and that I still couldn't feel the baby, but I feel hollow all the same.
And I absolutely loathe the fact that I have to refer to the child as "the baby" or "it." I not only never got to hear my babies heartbeat, I also never found out if it was a boy or a girl. I have heard of women naming their child with a unisex name. I thought of Angel, it's a unisex name and since my baby is an Angel it just seemed to fit. However, when I brought it up to my DH he told me that he just wasn't ready for that step yet. I'm not mad, I completely understand that he and I are going to handle this and grieve over this baby in different way and that I just have to be patient with him and give him some time. But it's hard, I want to name the baby so badly, but I don't want to push my DH.
I haven't been taking care of myself. I haven't showered in days because I just feel too depressed and it feels like it's such a huge chore, and I haven't had a thing to eat in over 48 hours. But for once I am hungry, I want some potato skins from Meijer, but I have to wait for DH to wake up from his nap b/c me driving on Morphine would not end up well for me. Plus I need cigarettes. I quit the moment I found out I was pregnant, but I started back up on the way home from the hospital. It helps to keep me calm, even though I am already on anxiety medicine, they still help.
I have to say, I really love this site. I have been on babycenter, and the women on there are so mean and rude while everyone here really cares, and it's so nice because I have no one else to turn to. My family has abandoned me, and my DH is very distant right now. So, thank you everyone, and there are a few women who have been absolutely fantastic. Thank you all!