Ok, this might be kinda long, but bear with me please. I need encouragment something fierce.
I am a doula. I am also pregnant with my third child (DH's first). I have had two natural deliveries (very fast ones at that...1 hour for the first and 3 hours for the second). I have been a doula for a number of years, but I don't do births very often, mainly for friends and family.
My best friend just had her baby last weekend, and I was her doula. In a lot of ways it went great; healthy baby, healthy mom. Mom wanted a natural birth, but had a herniated disk in her back, so she was open to meds if it came to that. Well, the doc decided to induce, due to the back injury, so the day before her due date we went in. It was the standard cascade of interventions. He broke her water at 1cm, started pitocine, and put in an IUPC. When things were getting rough he started pushing for an epidural; she kept saying no. Even though she had said she didn't want one, doc told the nurses to set up the room for an epidural. Everyone from her husband to the doc to the nurses were pushing for her to get it. She did. I don't blame her a bit; we knew that labor might make her backpain much much worse. She said the contractions were a piece of cake compared to the back pain. I was just so upset that so many people weren't listening to her.
She told the doctor three times that she DID NOT want an episeotomy (worked in birth for 10 years, still can't spell that word...) During crowning he did one. The biggest part of the baby was right there, plus he had his HAND in there alongside the baby's head...looked to me like there was plenty of room!! She only pushed three times, so it's not like there was fatigue or stress on the baby or something. He didn't tell her he was going to do it until it was already done. She is just happy to have her baby, and isn't really worried about it, which is fine. It's just been a little hard for me.
THEN, when I was talking to DH, going over the things that were bugging me about the birth, he told me that he thinks I should have an epidural! That moving around and moaning and pacing and crying mean that the pain is too much. "If you can't sit still and talk through it then it's too bad, and there is no award for suffering!" I explained my position, and what has worked for me in the past. The best I got was "Well, I think you are crazy, but I guess if thats what you want I will just shut up about it." Not exactly the support I was hoping for. He kept saying "I don't see why you feel like you have something to prove."
DH is a nurse, and feels really strongly that all pain should be treated aggressivly. He is also the son of a surgeon, and has grown up the with the view that patients should just shut up and do what they are told. I know he is scared of seeing me in pain (we have talked about that), and he feels that since the pain is "his fault" we should "make it stop". (I know he sounds like an @ss here, please believe me that he is not, and I am going to present info to him and convince him...I have no doubt.)
It's just...I am feeling really really down about all of this. Maybe I should refrain from Doula-ing when I am pregnant myself lol!