Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Feel like I am losing it

I lost my baby on April 10 due to an ectopic pregnancy, and I feel like I am really losing it.  My husband and I have been at each other's throats for the last few days.  I am getting no support from my family.  The other day when I was crying to my Mom about wanting my baby back she just told me that she was "going through stuff too."  My oldest sister, who lost a baby when she was 19 (she is 37 now) hasn't even once contacted me about my loss.  My other sister is going through a seperation and soon a divorce, and I don't want to bother her, so she is too busy to contact me.  I am so close to suicide right now, which is horrible b/c I have a 3 y.o. that I need to live for, but I just want to die.  I can't help it, I feel like my life is falling apart.  I feel like my husband and I are heading for a divorce. I have already been through one, and I love my husband more than I have ever love any other man and I don't want to lose him.  I am terrified.  I can't afford therapy, and the support group in my area only meets once a month.  I have no one to turn to and I am at the end of my rope.  I don't know what to do.  When I got pregnant (which was planned) my husband became mean and distant, and sometimes I wished that I hadn't gotten pregnant, now I feel like I doomed my baby.  I feel so guilty.  I know it's not my fault and I had no connection with my baby dying but I can't help but to feel responsible.  I am trying to do my best by focusing on my son and spending all the time I can interacting with him, but nothing eases my pain.  Help me please!

Re: Feel like I am losing it

  • I am very scared for you . I am so sorry you have no support IRL..Can you call a support line through a hospital? You can talk to us . You did nothing to cause this.If you cant reach me here come to TTCAL and page me I really am worried . You can talk to me about anything.Please talk to us about your feelings dont hurt yourself {{{HUGS}}}}
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  • Oh I wish I could be there with you and talk to you! Please, please please go to see a doctor. I know that therapy is not an option, but anyone that is a professional I would talk to. Even your gynecologist can refer you to low cost help. I really think it would be good for you. These feelings you are experiencing are normal, but your lack of support is magnifying the feelings and exasperating the negative parts.

    There are phone numbers: 1-800-273-8255 is the suicide prevention hot line and there are a lot more in the same vein. 1-800-221-7437 is the national SIDS, stillbirth, and miscarriage hotline and that may help you more. I recommend that if you can not find help right away to call. They are professionals to help and talk to you when no one else will. Your grief is valid, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Just please, do not let it consume you.

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    BFP #1: 3.6.11, Confirmed M/C 3.20.11 @ 6 wks 2 days, D&E 3.22.11


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  • You desperately need support and help. If you're feeling desperate please call 1-800-273-8255.  It's a the National Suicide Prevention Hotline and there are people there who will listen to you.

    Please, please, please do what you need to do to get help for yourself.

    BFP #1: m/c at 8 weeks; BFP #2: DD born 6/9/09; BFP #3 m/c at 5 weeks; BFP #4 m/c at 8 weeks, D&E; BFP #5 DS born 8/12/12
  • You are a loved and wanted person. I know it feels like all is lost but it isn't. Please PLEASE see that. You have so much to live for,  a long life a head of you to embrace and live.You can get through this. We are all here to help you through this. PLEASE check into therapy... many places offer sliding scale fees. So many ladies here are going and getting so much help and support.

    I know this hurts, I know you feel alone, and I know it seems as if there is no one who cares and understands. We are here. We wanted to help you and support you...please let us.

    PM me if you ever need too. I am even willing to share my phone # if you would like. 

    Please don't ever think you can't do this. Because you can and we are all here to see you through.

  • I know exactly where you are right now and the pain of your loss is so raw that nothing is going to make sense to you.  When I had my m/c in Sept '10 my mom blew me off and my older sister (Who has had 2 m/cs) couldn't be bothered with me either.  My husband couldn't understand what I was going through and so I sunk into a depression. 

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!  All of the emotions you're dealing with right now have been felt by every woman here at one time or another during their grieving.  You are grieving the loss of a child and that is overwhelming.  Please check out the counselors in your area, many of them will work with you if you cannot afford to pay.  I don't know if you're religious at all but there are a lot of Christian counselors that will help you through your grief and they won't charge you at all.   As far as your husband goes just know that you're both grieving in your own ways right now.  He cannot understand what you're going through.  We are all here for you too.  We may just be strangers on the internet but I promise you that the ladies here and on TTCAL are and were my main source of support in the months following my losses.  Lean on us but please PLEASE do not harm yourself.  If you feel like you might go to your nearest hospital and they will help you, they have to help you.

    If you need anything please PM me, I am mostly on TTCAL, and I will be there to listen and offer any support you need!!

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  • I know your pain! I have suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts for about 7 years now. I know the feeling that life is just not worth it but believe me IT IS!!!! I know you are going through so hard stuff, but thats why we are here!!!! I don't know why we have all had to experience these losses and i wish none of us had to be here but we are HERE for each other and YOU! Your 3 year old needs you!! I know whats its like to have family not understand what you are going through and for your husband not to know either. What I learned from my first mc is that men take this type of loss differently. I fought for months with my husband because he was never "sad" and the next day he was back to normal while I suffered and still suffer a year later. You need someone to talk to!!! I will talk to you, PM me- I will give you my e-mail and phone number.. I have been in your shoes and I know how alone you feel but you are not alone! Please see that life is worth living, we are at rock bottom so it can only get better right???
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  • I am so, so sorry you're feeling this way. Please know you are not alone, and if you do feel like you are going to harm yourself in any way, TELL SOMEONE. ANYONE. Call one of the hotlines the previous posters have provided. Call 911 if you need to. The important thing is to reach out. Please.

    You are not alone, you are loved and cared for and I'm so sorry you're not feeling that right now, and you're not being supported by those closest to you. My heart breaks for you. I do know what it is like to feel hopeless and though you cannot see it right now, it does and will get better. 

    Everyone here has given you amazing advice. Call a hotline or the hospital. There are ways to get counselling and support that will not cost.  

    There have been moments since my miscarriages that I have worried that my marriage won't make it. My DH and I have been grieving so differently, it's difficult for us both. It's hard when you're hurting and your spouse is hoping for you to carry them through it - and you can't because you're hurting. It's so hard. I hope that you can find a friend or someone who can support you through this process.

    I will be thinking of you. 

    Suze
    TTC#1 since May 2009
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    Bean - BFP May 26, 2010. EDD Feb 3, 2011. Natural Miscarriage 8w5d - June 29, 2010.
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  • I remember feeling the exact way, so what you are feeling can be very normal for some women. So you can find comfort in knowing that. I have been sucidal before (in high school), and this loss brought back so many emotional wounds, but where I was when I had my loss and where I am know, are two different places. I would love to talk to you more.  Please email me at yhodgson@hotmail.com

    08/18/2012 - BFP (Hoping this is our rainbow!)
    06/24/2012 - Loss confirmed at 12 weeks
    12/14/2010 - Loss baby girl at 20 weeks due to Turner Syndrome
    01/2009 - Chemical Pregnancy


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  • All of the advice from these ladies are wonderful. Please contact a help line.

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  • I'm so sorry for your loss and what your are feeling.  You are not a bad person and you did NOTHING to cause and/or deserve this.  I know you said you can't afford therapy, but you do need to find someone to talk to.  Call your doctor or the sucide hot line (1-800-273-8255).  I know your family has not given you the support that  you need or want, and for that I am truly sorry.  Do you have a friend or coworker that you trust that you can talk to?  Please remember that you are a great person who is loved.  Please, get the help that you need--talk to someone.
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    I have been thinking of you a lot, and I'm so worried about you.  Please contact those numbers people provided.  I worked at a crisis line, so those numbers will direct you to crisis lines in your area and they will be able to link you with resources in your area.  Often free or on a sliding scale fee (based on income).  There are tons of online support groups on Facebook.  If your support group only meets once a month, find more.  Go to one every week, every day if you need to.  PLEASE pm me anytime you need.  I'm so worried about you.

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  • I contacted a program called Network 180, they link you to offices that accept Medicaid.  I got ahold of one of the places and told them that I needed help.  I asked how much it would cost and they said that if I didn't make "x" a year that Network 180 would pick up the cost that Medicaid didn't.  Since I don't currently have a job I qualify for that.  I have an appointment for Monday.  So all that I have to do it make it through to Monday to talk to someone about this.  Thank you all for your support.  I, sadly, don't even have friends.  I have acquaintances, and people that I went to college with, but I haven't really talked to them in years, and would feel very strange talking to them about this.  I am just hoping that I can hold out until Monday.  But, if I get too bad I will call a Crisis Hotline, and, if it gets serious enough, I will check myself into a mental hospital so that I am safe from myself.  I am Bipolar and have had to be hospitalized twice now, so it's not like it is something that I am not used to.  I am going to try and see if my husband will go see someone too, because if he doesn't than it shows me that we don't mean enough to me and that means that we're done.  I can't handle it.  He got mad this morning because it took me six minutes to get up, go to the bathroom, get my son's clothes, and wake him up.  He woke me up 10 minutes late and screamed at me that my son was now going to miss the bus.  He is 3 and due to hearing loss due to a genetic disorder goes to a special school for the oral/deaf.  After he left for school, which I had him ready for with time to spare, my husband informed me that he didn't even care if my son went to school anymore.  He is past the point of just being mean to me, he is becoming cruel.  And I will not put up with it.  I divorced my first husband because it got to the point where he was mean to me all the time and all we did was fight, and, though I love my husband more than anything, I WILL NOT go through that again.  I can't do it, and I will not put my son in a situation where all that happens is that he gets bitched at.  He is a very sweet little boy, and no child deserves that, they deserve to feel safe and secure in his own home.  And I am going to make sure that is how it is.  I don't want to be a single mother again, but I will do anything for my son.  Thanks to extra strength for the pain of the surgery, and the anxiety medicine that I take I am at least calm right now, and I need to do my thinkin while I am calm and rational.  Please pray for me, I need all the prayers that I can get.
  • I am thinking about you and praying for you.  You are an amazing mother, wife, sister and daughter.  PLEASE keep coming back and let us know what is going on.  We are all thinking of you and care about you. 
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  • I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad u called & spoke to someone about getting help. You are worth it, your life is worth it & your daughter is worth it. I am saying prayers for you & please remember we are all here for you. Please pm me if you ever need to talk.
    BFP #1 2/8/2008 - Evan born 10/3/2008 via c/s @ 38wks
    BFP #2 12/31/2010 (EDD 9/1/11) -- Natrual m/c 1/9/10
    BFP #3 12/20/2011 - EDD 8/25/12
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  • I've sent you a PM. If you haven't had those before, just scroll to down the menu on the left side of this page and click on 'check private messages' under My Board.

    We are all here for you. (((HUGS))) 

    AMA over 40
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  • I hope you are doing ok.  Please, please continue to seek out help.  I will be thinking about you on Monday.  We are all here for you!!!

    BFP#1 EDD 11/8/11 - MC @ 9w6d, 4/15/11 we said goodbye
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  • I am so glad you were able to find something. I will be thinking of you on Monday. I can relate to your feelings, I too, am Bipolar and it is worse between Jan-May. This loss has been the biggest challenge I have ever faced while battling my depression.

    Please, continue to come here and vent as needed... I don't think anyone meant to come off as suggesting your DH is a bad person. He is also grieving and I am sure things are just so hard right now for everyone in your home that it is difficult to communicate in a healthy manor. I truly feel that once you are able to regain control of your emotions and express them in a healthy way that your DH will also be able to do the same. 

    best wishes

  • Hi babyhubbard, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and sending you prayers of strength to make it through the weekend to Monday. I read your post last night (but couldn't respond b/c my ipad was acting up) and I thought about you all day. I'm so pleased to see that your post today was more upbeat. But as any of us know that have gone through a miscarriage, or battled depression (or bipolar) it comes and goes with waves. Please keep a careful eye this weekend for how your moods may rise and fall, so that you keep awareness as to where you and if you need help. Let us all know how you are doing. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!

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  • The possible loss of a marriage compounds the loss of a child.  You are very brave and very strong.  Feeling hopeless in this situation is certainly a normal feeling.  There are those of us on this board who have experienced the concurrent loss of a mate and a child.  I am one of them.  If you need anything, I'm available by PM.
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