October 2011 Moms

Who has the final say?

MIL & I had a conversation today about who was going to be in the delivery room with me. I told her I wanted DH, my mom & her to be in the room during delivery. She was overjoyed that I wanted her in there and it made me happy. Then DH chimes in and says he doesn't want anyone in there but him. I don't want to "dog" my hubby, but he hasn't been that helpful during my sickness, so I doubt he will be helpful during labor. My mom & MIL on the other hand will go out of their way to do anything I need/want them to. It is also the first grandchild on both sides. I feel that since I am the one pushing the baby out, I should get the final say on who I want in there. DH says its "his baby too", but I feel that comes into play once the baby is actually born, in which I absolutely think his input is just as important as mine.

Re: Who has the final say?

  • I agree with you...it should definitely be up to you. You are the one responsible for carrying the baby, taking care of yourself so baby is as healthy as possible, doing all the hard work of labor and delivery and whatever makes you feel most comfortable during that time is LAW! lol. Seriously, the less stress you feel the better since that has an effect on the baby as well.

  • I am with you. When it comes to the labor portion of this, that is your call what you are comfortable with. If it was the reverse situation and you wanted no one in the room, that would be terrible if your hubby had no problem with you sharing all your business to people you were not comfortable with.
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  • I think since you'll be the ones with your legs in the air, pushing something very big out of something very small, ultimately you need to be the ones determining what is going to make the experience easiest for you.  This includes determining whether or not you'll have an epidural but also who you want in the room with you at the time.

     Has your husband expressed why he doesn't want anyone else in the room?  I know why I don't, but I'm going to be the one all exposed.  I think my husband would invite everyone he knows into the delivery room if I would allow it.

  • From a straight up legal standpoint, YOU are the patient.  Pretty sure what you say would ultimately be what stuck if it came down to it. 

    That said, does he know your reasoning for wanting the mothers there?  I ask because your reasoning sounds similar to mine.  I was in the room for my nieces delivery in Sept and as someone who'd never BTDT, I felt useless.  My mom and SILs mom were awesome.  They knew where to put pressure on her back, when to offer ice/water, etc.  Something about seeing the generations of women coming together to bring the new generation into the world was amazing.  Heck, the whole experience was amazing. 

    I told my DH that if my mom can be out here (she lives cross country), that I'd LOVE to have her in the room.  I'm worried he'll feel out of his element and not step up when I need it, and I'd like for him to be able to take it in.  Mom on the other hand, she's done it three times herself and been there for at least 2 other births.  I've seen firsthand she's calm and collected in the moment...and I know she knows me and the process well enough to know what I need.

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  • If you want extra support there then of course you should have it.  But rather than just insist on it, you might try the approach of first understanding why he wants it to be just the two of you.  By understanding his perspective you can work out a compromise or gently ease him into being accepting of what your needs are.
  • I tried to explain to him my reasons. Through my whole pregnancy, my mother has been there for me. She understands the severity of my sickness (because she was just as sick) and sympathizes with me. DH thinks im making it up most of the time. I know now he says he will step up in the delivery room, but I know him, he will freak out & have no clue what to do. His big thing is it is our child and we should have the experience just us. I assured him when the baby is born, our mothers can sneak a peak (& a few pictures) but once the baby is placed in my arms, I want some time for just the three of us to bond. Our mothers are also very understanding of this and think it is a wonderful idea.
  • I agree with you and everyone else who has posted. I believe it should be YOUR choice who gets to be in the room. You're the one who will be totally exposed and you deserve to have someone you're comfortable with helping. My H wouldn't argue this with me. And I am pretty sure he would agree with us gals! Good luck to you!
  • My uterus. My decision. DH would love to have his mom in the room (my mom will be). He didn't even ask though because he knows I'm the one pushing out the baby so I get to make the decision (and I sure as hell don't want her there!).

    Obviously you need to try to approach your husband in a constructive manner, but if he still doesn't get it, I would just be like "too bad."

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  • Why not compromise? I had my aunt in the room while I was laboring so she could help, but once it was time for me to push, it was only my DH and I. Maybe do that so you can have their support when you need them during labor but just have your DH with you at push time. 

    this time around I only want DH. I honestly feel like having her there kind of took something away from the experience. 

    I kind of agree with your DH on this one with it being your and his experience and that you should be the only ones to witness the birth of your child. But everyone is different. I just know that I did not want an audience at that point. 

    And actually when it was just DH and I in the delivery room, he stepped up much more than I thought he would. When other people were there, he didnt feel the need to have to be there for me. But when it was just him, he realized what he needed to do.  

     

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  • I feel that its up to you since you're the one carrying the baby and pushing the baby out of you.  You win. 
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  • I feel like you have lots of time before you deliver and you will be able to come to an agreement before then. It is his baby too, and maybe he'd be uncomfortable with his mom and yours in there. Are you planning on any childbirth classes? If you take them, maybe he'll realize what all he'll need to do and think about if he can handle it or not. My DH totally stepped up to the plate and was awesome during labor/delivery. I personally just wanted the two of us, fortunately he felt the same.
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  • It's your decision.  You're the patient, you're the one dealing with 99% of the situation, it's your call.  I agree with others to keep discussing it with your husband to try to get him to see your point of view.  I think childbirth classes might help him.  Unless your birthing experience is going to be a lot different than mine (maybe so!) it will not just be you, your husband and the baby.  At one point during my labor, there were no fewer than ten people in my room - me, DH, my mom and a bunch of hospital staff who rushed in because DD's heartrate dropped. 

    If your husband is ever in the hospital pushing out a kidney stone, he can decide who's in the room with him.  When you're in the hospital pushing out a baby, you get to decide.

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  • im with you. you get the final say. i will have my husband and mother in the room with me. (unfotunately i don't have a MIL but if I did she would be invited too) i feel like at the end of day when im in there in pain/scared/worried/excited/happy i want not just people to be there but people i know are going to be able to support me in different ways. and its not that my husband cant support me but lets be frank...he's never given birth so it would be encouraging to have my mother there, someone who has actually done this before,  to tell me its really fine, this is normal, your gonna live now suck it up! lol!
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  • On any other issue (parenting decisions, etc.), I would say that you and your dh, together, need to come to a compromise.

    On THIS issue - hellz to the no - this is YOUR call.  YOU will be doing 99% of the work, and you need whatever support system in place that you feel will bring you the most comfort and least stressful birth experience.  I could go on, but I'll just leave it at that ;)

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  • I had my hubs and sister. Let your hubby know that although you are doing the work there is a lot of stress and he will be exhausted too. Labor can go on for hours and he will lose focus at some point and will want a break. The moms will be a relief for him and they know what you are going through. I think my hubs was a little "weirded" out by my sis looking at my hooha with him-he was never comfortable in the exam room at my OBs with just the dr down there. (He'd be looking at the floor or ceiling during the exam) but as soon as the stress of labor hit..he seemed relieved to have someone there to help and support us. It can be a very scary place for men..they sometimes dont realize that until they are in that labor and delivery room.
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  • I'm gonna vote that you have the final say. Sorry, hubby, but you are the one giving birth, not him. DH actually wants his mom to be in there, and at first I was like what? NO. But now that I think about it, while DH would do just about anything for me, I need mom and MIL :]
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  • It's your call. It's 'his baby too' but you are the one in labour!

    Honestly, on the day of I think he might appreciate the extra support anyway. I would imagine the entire day is a bit overwhelming for first-time fathers. And if you have a long labour, having other people there means he can take a quick break, grab a coffee or snack, etc.

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  • I totally agree that it's your choice.  I would check with your hospital though about how many people are allowed in the delivery room.  My hospital only allows two people but I know some hospital don't have any limitations besides your request.
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  • You are in labor, you are the one doing all the work, You get to pick who gets to be in the room. 

    I might say that they will be there and when it comes time to push you will decide if you want them to stay or if you want it to be just you and DH. In the moment you may not want them there at the end but on the other hand you may want them even more than you thought you did. 

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  • I bet when the time comes, he will be glad to have some more experienced helpers there to help out.  Even if he doesn't, that moment is all about you and baby, and what will make it more comfortable for both of you.  If you want MIL and your mom there, then that is exactly where they should be.  I just asked DH, and he agreed :)
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  • You do. We had the opposite problem though. DH wanted everyone and I told him m vag wasnt a circus show. I finally got him to agree with my but I delivered so fast it would have been a moot point anyway.
  • Sean didn't want anyone else in the room. The day of, when I looked at him and said, "I want my mommy" he got my mommy :) 
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  • image Miss Shasta:

    MIL & I had a conversation today about who was going to be in the delivery room with me. I told her I wanted DH, my mom & her to be in the room during delivery. She was overjoyed that I wanted her in there and it made me happy. Then DH chimes in and says he doesn't want anyone in there but him. I don't want to "dog" my hubby, but he hasn't been that helpful during my sickness, so I doubt he will be helpful during labor. My mom & MIL on the other hand will go out of their way to do anything I need/want them to. It is also the first grandchild on both sides. I feel that since I am the one pushing the baby out, I should get the final say on who I want in there. DH says its "his baby too", but I feel that comes into play once the baby is actually born, in which I absolutely think his input is just as important as mine.

    completely off subject, but what part of ky are you in? I'm originally from murray and dh and i moved to lexington about 2 years ago.

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  • It is up to you. You are the only one with your lady bits exposed & pushing that baby out. So if you feel comfortable with other folks in there then that should be the end of the story. However, maybe you could compromise?

    Maybe have it be just you & H for the first half of labor? Then the second half have the others come in? That way everyone gets what they want. 

    I do think that your H should respect what you want since you are the one doing all the work in there, but ask him why he feels so strongly about it. Talk to him and ask him. 

    I wish you luck. 

     

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  • image KateCollins11:
    image Miss Shasta:

    MIL & I had a conversation today about who was going to be in the delivery room with me. I told her I wanted DH, my mom & her to be in the room during delivery. She was overjoyed that I wanted her in there and it made me happy. Then DH chimes in and says he doesn't want anyone in there but him. I don't want to "dog" my hubby, but he hasn't been that helpful during my sickness, so I doubt he will be helpful during labor. My mom & MIL on the other hand will go out of their way to do anything I need/want them to. It is also the first grandchild on both sides. I feel that since I am the one pushing the baby out, I should get the final say on who I want in there. DH says its "his baby too", but I feel that comes into play once the baby is actually born, in which I absolutely think his input is just as important as mine.

    completely off subject, but what part of ky are you in? I'm originally from murray and dh and i moved to lexington about 2 years ago.

    How neat! We are about 1 hr east of Lex, in Morehead.
  • image seanandcallie:
    Sean didn't want anyone else in the room. The day of, when I looked at him and said, "I want my mommy" he got my mommy :) 

    I can see myself doing this.  However, my Mom wont be there in time to help out.  But I know my MIL wont mind rolling her sleeves up. 

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  • You know I would make him feel more into the idea of haveing you mommas in the room instead of just saying what I say goes... Con him! tell him you have two legs to hold and he can only handle one of them and if you are apped for having pics tell him you need someone to handle the camera...

    With DS i had my hub, my mom and his. We agreed on having our moms but I much rathered my mom over the nurse holding my leg and my MIL was up toward my head taking pic of the surroundings( no the vag.) and of course DH was on the other leg.

    And if this is his first delivery he may need some support from his mom when he could possibly be on the floor... lol

  • It should be upto you & definitely your mom should be in there. Especially if you're close with her. If he doesn't want his mom in there then that's his choice. But my mom was in the room with both of my kids and she will be with this one too. Im pretty open on who goes in though! I had like 6 people in with my son and 3 with daughter.
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