3rd Trimester

I feel like no one is listening to me...

Ok, so yesterday I had a false alarm, but I called my mom(she was at work, I live with her and was home by myself) and told her I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid but I wasn't sure and I tried to call l&d but couldn't get an answer (which was weird)... so I was trying to get a ride to the hospital so I could find out for sure. I told her repeatedly I wasn't sure I wasn't having contractions, etc... So she proceeds to call the whole family and tell everyone my water broke, I get to the hospital and there are already 5 family members there. My SO was even waiting to come until I told him what they said. I was so embarrassed, not to mention, I don't want 20 + people at the hospital while I am in labor. All 5 family members left while they checked me and swabbed me and all, and then my mom proceeded to invite everyone back into the room while I waited on results, then they all sat there and talked about me like I wasn't in the room. Today I tried to explain to my mom that I do not want them all at the hospital... I want my mom in the room and I want SO in the room but that is it, I don't want to have to entertain 20 people while I am in labor, and now my grandmother is trying to weasle her way into the delivery room and I don't want to piss everyone off but this whole thing has me in tears! I am at the point that I don't even want to tell my mom because she cant not call everyone and it sux because I need her there. I don't want to deal with this on delivery day but no one is respecting my wishes and IDK what to do.
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Re: I feel like no one is listening to me...

  • I'd wait to call your mom until you're at the hospital and actually getting admitted if you really want her there. But be absolutely clear to her that if she brings anybody else, they will all be kicked out by the nurses and she might as well go with them.

    You just need to be firm with your family.

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  • The only thing you can do is tell her. Maybe even tell the relatives that you would prefer they visit the next day. When you do call her when you go into labor, remind her repeatedly. You could go so far as to tell her that if she disrespects your wishes, then you will not let her in the delivery room. It depends on how stubborn she is, and how far you need to take the threat, if at all.

    I don't think you will have to entertain anyone during active labor. Most hospitals only allow 3 people in the delivery room. 

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  • Make them listen to you. Let the nurses know who is and is not allowed in and when and they will stick to that. Also, tell your mom that if she cannot respect your wishes, as much as it hurts you, you can't deal with her not listening and inviting people against your wishes. Tell her they'll all be welcome but not while you're in labor. Tell her what she did this time was completely unacceptable and that it cannot happen again. Be firm. This is your baby and your labor. Good luck.
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  • I tried to talk to her today, she thinks I am just being hormonal but I sincerely feel overwhelmed... I don't mind them being there in the waiting room but  I just can't deal with having people in my room 24/7... I am writing a letter to pass out to family members and I just hope they respect my wishes because I do not want to ask people to leave but I will, even if I have to deal with hurt feelings from them later.
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  • Does this sound bitchy to pass out or reasonable?

     

    Dear Family,

    I love you all very much and appreciate that you all are here to welcome my son into the world. However, this day is about bringing mine and Joel's son into the world and I would like to be able to remain as calm and comfortable as possible. Therefore, there are some guidelines that you will all be asked to abide by to avoid conflict.

    1. 3 people in my room while I am in labor maximum, this includes children. Unless I decide otherwise. Everyone can take turns visiting but my room is not to be full 24/7.

    2. Do not talk about me or my labor like I am not present and no unsolicited advice and no telling me what I should or shouldn't do or what I need or don't need, I have a doctor and I know what my body needs.

    3. Joel and my mother will be the only two people in the delivery room. This is not negotiable, I apologize if that hurts anyone's feelings, I am not comfortable having anyone else there.

    4. I do not want to hear about anything going on outside of my room at all, I don't care if china caught on fire, I don't care if the reincarnated Dali llama is in the nursery, I need peace.

    I really hate to be this way but if you all can't accept this then you can't be a part of this experience. My feelings need to be respected and this is the easiest way for no one to have hurt feelings... Now for the postpartum rules....

    1. I do not know postpartum when I will be ready for everyone to visit, it will depend on my feelings but Joel and I will want some alone time with the baby at some point. Everyone is welcome to visit baby in the nursery if I am not up for visitors.

    2. Everyone will wash their hands with soap before touching the baby.

    3. Everyone wishing to hold the baby will be seated while they do so.

    I in no way am trying to say that there is anyone that I do not want to be here, I just feel overwhelmed and I feel like my wishes are not being heard. These rules are non-negotiable and my feelings may change day of, but unless I say otherwise, this is how it is going to go.

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  • I think the problem lies with your mom, not the rest of the family. I understand you are upset but the letter is overboard. Really.

    You want your mom in the delivery room for sure? If not I'd just say wait until baby is out and then call her.

    Otherwise your only option is to confront her. Go over there, have a nice dinner together, and talk. Ask her about her labor with you. Confide stuff. Make her feel like it's a warm-and-cozy mother-daughter bonding event. Then bring up, "Mom, I know you think I am overreacting, but I really need you to listen to me. It's really important to me that...blah blah blah" and tell her. Try to stay calm, don't be accusatory, tell her how you want HER and your DH and they are the only 2 people you feel like you can deal with. Tell her you really need to her to help you out here -- by either not calling everybody or by helping you enforce your wishes at a very vulnerable time.

    If she refuses to hear you out/fights you on this, you have to decide what's more important: mom being there (plus a bunch of other family) or nobody but DH being there.

    Also as soon as you check in tell your nurses your wishes. They might even could put a sign on your door that says "NO VISITORS" or "all visitors must check in at nurses station before entering" and be sure only mom and DH are on the list.

    good luck!

  • I think that letter will just cause problems.

    Just call your mom when you're getting checked in at the hospital and tell her not to call anyone else because they will not be allowed.  Most hospitals have a policy that there are to be no more than 3 people in the delivery room, so your family would have to sit outside anyway.

    Tell the nurses what your wishes are and they will take it from there.  They can also put up a sign for post partum that there are no visitors, or like a previous poster said they have to check in at the nurses station first. 

  • I agree with the other girls: the letter is too much. But I do understand your frustration. You seriously need to ask your self if you really need your mom there, because she is completely ignoring your wishes. I understand you'd like her with you however it seems that she is causing more stress than good. Is this really something you want to deal with during labor? it should be a joyful moment, not you in tears and frustrated and angry Maybe it should just be you and your SO. And he can call your mom the second the baby is born?

    Perhaps your SO can be the one to inform whomever is at the hospital that they have to wait in the waiting area?

    Also, i think waiting until you are at the hospital to call your mom is a good trick

    Finally remember you can let the nurses know exactly who is allowed in the room with you and if you tell them only your SO and your mom, they will enforce this for you. That way, you don't have to be the bad guy.

     

     

  • Honestly it sounds like you are being wishy-washy. You need to tell your mom straight-up that she is NOT allowed to invite anyone to your delivery. Period. And as PP have suggested, tell the nurses who is allowed in your room, Mom and DH. I get that you don't want to hurt people's feelings, but it is not their turn to  make the decisions. It's your turn. They can get butt hurt if they want, but as soon as you have the baby and let them in, they will most likely forget it.


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  • Do you really want your mom in the delivery room, or are you just having her in there b/c she bullied you into it?

    In your case, I wouldn't even call anyone but your SO until after the baby was born.  Or I would wait to get checked into your room, tell the nurses exactly what you want, and have them keep the unwelcome family members out. 

    I don't see why this is a hard problem for anyone.  You just can't be a doormat and have to stand by what you want.  We've told our families that they're not invited in the hospital.  We mean it and they will not mess with us.  They know we won't tolerate it. 

    You need to stand up for yourself. 

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  • The letter seems like the other extreme. First you don't stand up for yourself and then you want to hand out a letter of your "rules" while at the hospital? Can't you just speak to those that are the problem or at least tell the people who were there the other day that when you go into labor you only want X, X and X in there or whatever? Seems silly to do a letter unless there are crowds that you can't speak to personally.
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  • 1. Don't tell ANYONE in your family next time you think you're in labor.

    2. Enlist the hospital staff (nurses are trained to do this) to be "bouncers" and keep unwanted visitors out of your room. They will make up real-sounding excuses to keep people away. 

    3. Tell your significant other that his job is to support you and keep unwanted family out.

    4. Relax. :) You're the boss, it's your body, and your birth.  

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  • I wouldn't even bother with the letter. I'd tell the nurses when you are admitted to L&D to not let anyone in the room except your mother (if you still want her there). They deal with this ALL OF THE TIME and will boot anyone out who isn't allowed in.

    Actually, at my hospital, the doors are locked at all times and you can only get in if you're a patient or "on the list". Not on the list? Tough crap. You have to sit in the waiting area.

  • I guess I am in the same kind of situation that you are in.  I don't see any problem with the letter except it sounds a little harsh.  With the hospital I'm delivering at, I could have my entire town in there if I wanted, as long as it didn't interfere with the doctors. And my hubby's family knows that.  We've considered even not calling anyone until after we deliver LO.  Unfortunately, that would cause more problems than just telling them not to visit.  The family knows that the only person allowed in that delivery room is DH.  The problem is now to get them to understand that we don't know how delivery is going to be. 

    I don't want to be trying to recover while I have my in-laws trying to squeeze all 50 members into my room as well as my side of the family(all 10 of us).  I don't want people picking up LO and kissing on her and handling her and introducing her to any number of germs.  I also don't want to feel like you do about having to entertain all these people who are undoubtedly going to want me to talk and interact after JUST PUSHING OUT A BABY. 

    I say revise the letter so it's not so harsh sounding and make sure your mom gets a copy.  Make sure the nurses get a copy, too.  They won't care what family member they're talking to when it comes to following your wishes.  Let the nurses be your scapegoat.

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  • Honestly, next time call your SO to go to the hospital, not your mother.

    Then, once you are checked into your room, you can call your Mom. And then you SO needs to stand by the door, and say "I'm sorry, We're not allowed to have any more visitors." to anyone else who walks in the door.

    You are having a baby, in a bed. You can't keep people out. But your SO sure can.

    DH told MIL that if she didn't back off he would tell hospital security she snatches babies. I think she gets the point of boundaries now.... 

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  • I agree with everybody else who doesn't think the letter would really be helpful. It'd probably just cause more drama, which is what you want to avoid.

    Wait till you're admitted to L&D to inform your mom that you're in labor. Tell her it's fine if she wants to spread the news, but that you've already told the nursing staff you don't want visitors, and they won't let anyone in. If family wants to show up, that's fine, as long as they know they'll be stuck in the waiting room for a while. (Until after you deliver!)

    Also, be very clear with your nurses about who is and isn't allowed to visit you. (I'm a nurse. A lot of hospitals are trying to be family-friendly and won't automatically keep visitors away unless you ask.) Tell them you don't want anyone but your mom and your SO to be allowed in. (Provide them with names, too.)

    You can also ask them to make you a "No Info" patient, which means that anybody who walks up to the desk or calls the hospital to ask about you will be given no information whatsoever. With a "No Info" patient, technically the nurses aren't even allowed to say whether you're a patient or not. If somebody calls and wants your room number, for example, the person answering the phone basically has to say, "I'm sorry, I don't have any information on anyone by that name."

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