2nd Trimester

My mom is obsessed with me being pregnant

I apologize as I have posted about frustrations with my mom before but it is driving me insane. I really like hearing from people who can relate.

My mom is severely depressed, I am an only child, her focus is 10000000000% on me. It is very very suffocating. She honestly has nothing else going on, as she is not working and sits in the house all day. She is physically and mentally not well. She is extremely sensitive about everything.

I obviously want her involved in my pregnancy and with my baby, but she takes things to such an extreme. She uses my pregnancy as an excuse to call me constantly, at least 2x a day. I just gently asked her to call less, as I am exhausted and am working a full time job right now as well as starting my own business. ?She did listen to me and is calling a bit less, but I feel like I hurt her feelings. I always end up feeling guilty and as if I'm not doing enough for her.

My current gripe is that she has been emailing me- no joke-- at least 10-15 times a day with different decorating ideas for the nursery or things to buy for the baby. After I asked her to call less, its seems the emailing got worse. I know if I say something, I am just going to hurt her feelings again, but I feel like I need to set boundaries and this is so ridiculous. I need breathing room!

I want to make decisions about what to buy my baby primarily with my husband. She treats me like I am still 8 years old and need help with everything. I want her involved to some extent, but I want her to stop obsessing over everything. I told her I want to decorate the nursery in lavender and in no time I got bombarded with emails with different lavender accessories.?It also is ridiculous that I see some of her emails are sent to me at 2 or 3 am, and to think she is just sitting up all night researching baby products on the internet is ridiculous.

Thanks for listening, I just want to scream! I also understand that I am lucky she is involved.... so I dont mean to sound ungrateful...... pregnancy is just so overwhelming and it doesnt help to have my mother breathing down my neck....?

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Re: My mom is obsessed with me being pregnant

  • Oh man, that's a tough one. It doesn't help that she's physically not well... No distractions what so ever. I don't really have any ideas... Except maybe to give her ONE thing to plan and tell her you want it to be a total surprise for you (as in, if you tell me about it, it won't be a surprise, so keep it to yourself). Not that it would keep her from bugging you, but at least it would give her something to focus on that you wouldn't have to hear about 12 times a day. Maybe request that she put together a family tree for baby (a really, really long family tree!). 

    Who knows. I'm sorry you have to deal with that though. I'd lose it.  

    image Don't argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level then beat you with experience. - Mrs. G
  • My mom was a bit over zealous with my first, so I sort of understand. 

    At least when you asked her to call less, she respected your wishes. I truthfully think the emails are harmless. You can read (or not read) them at your leisure. If she's obsessing, maybe it's giving her something positive to focus on instead of being depressed. I remember how frustrated I was PG with my first and my mom wanted a part of everything, and all I wanted was DH. My mom no longer works, and unfortunately now is ill. Knowing that there's another grand child coming keeps her alive. I'm sure its a huge inconvenience for you, but maybe it's giving your mother something she really needs.  

    When she overwhelms you maybe you could just say something like 'mom, I need a little breathing room'. That's how I handle mine, and even if her feelings are a little hurt, it's ok. Everyone, pregnant or not, needs space and independence from their moms. You shouldn't feel guilty for asking for it, as long as you do it kindly. 

    HTH. 

    Me & My Grandma

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  • I would say all the emails are a great trade off for the phone calls. Just make sure to remind her that you can't answer them all and you will get a reply in when you can. I have a friend like that. She used to call me about 5 times a day, and I told her she needed to stop calling and start emailing me. She emails a lot, but I can read them at my convenience and take or not take her advice as I will. I don't ever respond to all of them, and she knows it's because I'm too busy. I understand that it is aggravating, and I am sorry that you have to deal with that. I hope you can encourage her to get involved in some activities that will take her focus off you. Can she sew? You might come up with some outfits/blankets that you would like for the baby and ask her to make them. If they don't turn out very well, just take pictures of the baby in them and send them to her. :)
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  • I struggle with things like this with my dad, I have to watch EVERYTHING I say. I always feel guilty for not being close to him, but in reality its his fault. I need healthy boundries.

    Maybe just tell her you are worried about her and how late some of the emails are? Or try to involve her in something she can focus on. Give her a project :) I do that with MIL.It helps her feel valued and included without me being burdened either.

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  • Mom is always asking "are you talking to our baby?" She says "i'm going to be really upset if you're not talking to that baby - you've got to talk to em."- like it's a houseplant or something. Crazy lol

    8/27/10 MC at 14 wks ~ 5/22/11 David was Stillborn at 23 wks Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • Wow. That sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Your story about her sounds the same too, all but the emailing, she doesn't have a computer. I'm not an only child, but my sister is 20 years older than me, so I'm the baby and it was like I was an only child. I think it makes things worse to be an only child or the baby of the family; moms seem to be more smothering.

    Mom's do tend to obsess, especially when there is a new grandbaby involved. I'm sorry you are feeling like you are. Hope things get better. I know how you feel and I can honestly say that.

    I love my mom. I just feel she smothers me, especially now that I'm pregnant with her only grandbaby. I'm thankful she's around though.

  • Maybe a way to help this a bit is to give her a task. I know you and your DH want to be the ones to pick the nursery items, but it wouldn't hurt for her to do the research for you. So maybe you could say, "Mom, will you research different lavender bedding sets for me please and email them to me." That way, since you DO probably want a lavender bedding set, you'll be the ones to choose but she can pick some different styles out for you and it will help to focus the emails a little bit. Plus it will probably make her feel really special and involved if she has a specific task just for her. KWIM?
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  • I do have an idea...

    Come up with one thing that she can put all her focus and energy into and that you are okay with her "taking the wheel" with. Set aside a little "meeting time"(15-25min?) the same time every week for you two to sit down and go over her recommendations about the topic during that specified time only (be firm about this).

    I am worried however, if you do this, that she still won't stick to the subject you choose for her or the time the you set especially aside for her to talk about it. If she can't stick to you boundries (and it sound like see is having a difficult time with this) unfortunaly any ideas might be mute.

    If she is suffering from some mental illness, in my opinion, you cannot continue to be afraid that you will always be 'hurting her feelings'. I'm not trying to downplay what a difficult situation it is to help care take for such a person and whom is your mother, I just feel as though if your sensitive, that doesn't mean you need to be a pushover.

    What a complex situation.... I hope you find some luck or resolve.

    BFP= 06/01/10; EDD: 03/08/11
    Missed Miscarriage detected 08/03/10
    D&C on 07/10/10
    BFP= 11/08/10; EDD: 07/17/11
    Missed miscarriage detected 11/26/10
    Miso on 12/12/10; incomplete, miso 2nd try 12/13/10
    BFP= 05/11/11; 10 dpo LNMP: 04/16/11
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  • I'm new to these message boards, and I had no idea other people were as annoyed with their mom as I am with mine!  My mom isn't calling and emailing me all the time, but my DH and I have been married almost 5 years and for the last couple of years she has asked me repeatedly when she can expect to be a grandma.  When I finally told her I was pregnant, and my DH and I were excited to start our family, she said "Well, it's MY grandchild."  It was almost like she was arguing with me over whose child this is going to be.  Whenever I talk to her she calls it "our baby."  I know she's just excited, but this is MY baby (and my husbands, of course!).  Then she didn't want me to tell anyone in our family I was pregnant, SHE wanted to be the one to do it.  

    My mom isn't necessarily mentally ill, but she's the type who really likes attention, and my pregnancy is a way for her to get the attention she craves. 

    Anyway- I'm sorry to hear that your mom is overwhelming you- I agree with the others that you don't HAVE to read all of her emails, or leave them in your inbox until you have time to read them.  Or, giving her a specific thing to be in charge of is also a good idea- particularly something you don't really care about.  Are you going to register?  Maybe you could ask her to research brands of strollers or something like that. 

     Good luck to you and congratulations! 

  • Understand that her intentions are good and she is trying to help.   I think it's a good idea to give her a small project to focus on rather than bombarding you with whatever comes to mind.  Good luck!
  • I agree about giving her one project to work on. My mom has been obsessing over baby bottles and pacifiers since we announced it. She says that she is going to get this brand and this kind. I repeatedly told her that we are to pick out the stuff. So I'm going to take the advice that is given on this board too. My mom is also mentally ill and I worry about hurting her feelings. But this is her first grandbaby.
  • Ugh. Sounds like my grandmother. I just let everything go in one ear and out the other-although that is definitely much easier said than done, especially when you're pregnant. Good luck and hang in there!!
  • having the same problem but with my step mother ! not even a women who raised me. my own mom is chill. My step mom is like your mother sits at home stalking my husband and me even on facebook and calling me all the time about the pregnancy. My whole life ive never called her to just talk we are close. She doesnt have any daughters of her own only boys. Im trying to find a nice way to let her know to back off a little and let me breath and that i have a mom. good luck with yours if i figure out how to seal with my step mother ill let you know
  • I can relate, I'm having a bit of the same problem. From the moment I told my mom I was pregnant, she began calling me weekly and giving me what I started to call "The Interview". Every week she calls and asks me the same battery of questions: Am I taking my vitamins? Am I getting enough rest? Am I seeing my doctor regularly? Some might say she's just being concerned, but the thing is that she has never really shown much interest in me my whole life, and has always been very distant with me up until now. So this newfound attention is a little weird for me. Then today she said she wanted to see the baby "every second" once it's born and wanted me to promise that I would let her. I said that she could come by my house to see the baby anytime, but she was pressing the issue of letting the baby stay at her house, which I am NOT comfortable with for several reasons! For one thing, this is my child and I want it to be at home with me and my husband. Secondly, she owns two large dogs (a german shepard and a pit bull, no less), which I feel could be a danger to my child. When I told her this, she became completely irrational and began claiming that I will never allow her to be a grandmother. I'm only 13 weeks along, still have a long way to go, and already she is acting like a psycho. I'm scared to think of how she'll be when the baby actually arrives!
  • I am glad I am not the only one! Since i told my mom i was pregnant EVERY single converstation we have is about babies and showers and anything else baby related. At first i was like well she is excited ill let it go but its gotten worse and worse now I am to the point where I sit there looking bored with her rambling. She gave me such an additude saying I am not excited about this baby and how i am crabby.  She just got a job last week after being laid off for over a year i thought this would ease the obsession but its not. She drills me with questions and concerns. AND to top it off my boyfriend and I live below my parents because we are buying a house at the end of the month. ( Luckily). She doesnt understand the fact that she is over whelming me to no end.

     My dad brought up our fight ( because of course i snapped and yelled ) and says i am not being fair to her and shes just excited. I knew he would side with her and all i had to say was there is being exciting and there is giving me anxiety and overwhelming me. My boyfriend is wonderful and understands what i am going through.. I am just glad I am no the only one.

    PS- I am also a only child ( and in my opinion the only child gets smothered to pieces)

  • See, it's strange, because I totally thought my mom would be like this! She's basically only excited about the baby shower and keeps asking me questions about that.

    Oh, and she wants me to have all MY old baby clothes?! Yeah, that's weird.
    (But kind of cool at the same time. As long as they aren't disgusting by now!!)

    I really like one PP's suggestion that she get a specific task like looking up a lavender bed set. Then she'll actually be helpful! I totally went through that with my wedding. I was in another country and my mom was crazy about researching for the wedding. Now, not so much! I kind of wish she was, because I feel a bit clueless (many times!) 

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