2nd Trimester

to wed or not to wed?

Ladies--

I need some advice. My boyfriend and I are 25 and 26 years old and love each other very much, which is why when we discovered I was pregnant we embraced it. I have PCOS and doctors initially told me I would not conceive on my own, but would need IVF, so the fact that my baby girl is healthy (as far as we can tell) is a miracle to us.

Unfortunately, she was not planned -- so a lot of aspects of our lives have shifted (understandably so). My boyfriend was greatly affected by the bad economy and has just recently started to recover in that he has found a new job and is working towards a promotion. My job is very stable, very good, and so is my insurance. But because of the financial difficulties we have chosen not to get married before baby girl gets here. Instead we want to focus on: finding a house (rental lease is up soon), focusing on his job and possible promotion, buying/preparing life for baby, etc. Boyfriend still wants to buy "the perfect ring" for me and give me a "perfect engagement story", followed by a small ceremony between the three of us (me, him, and baby). After that we'd love to have a party to celebrate with family and friends -- but mind you this is our plan for after baby arrives.

When sharing this plan with my parents (who are very traditional, and Catholic no less) we hit a very hard wall. Hurtful words were said (get married or give baby up for adoption), because to them being unmarried is not an option. They brought up the legalities we would encounter but considering marriage IS in our future (I would guesstimate within a year of baby's birth) I didn't see how waiting would be much of a problem. I know it would take 10 min. and $100 to go to the courthouse and legally become married, but is it wrong to pursue a marriage that is out of love and in our time rather than  being a "knee jerk" reaction to a crisis? I am not concerned with what other people will thing -- but my parents obviously are.

Does anyone have any points that I am missing here? Wouldn't baby girl still know us as mommy and daddy and not be affected by the legalities?

PLEASE, I need some advice here. Especially with how to deal with difficult parents. I do not rely on them for anything (financially) but nevertheless it is important to me that they be supportive and happy as well. 

Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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Re: to wed or not to wed?

  • I don't think it's right for them to tell you marry or give your child away. Being married is NOT going to change your love for your child. I personally think you have to do what is right for you. You don't want to feel like you were pressured into getting married love or not. My SO and I had our son in 2007 and when I found out I was expecting my mom said "yay, so you are going to get married" No. We made a plan for us and only us, becuase when it comes down to it that is all that matters. My parents don't help me with money and don't have the money to pay for a wedding. I am currently in school and if I get married I have to pay out of pocket and I think an education is better then a paper saying we are together. I also want to have a wedding and we are paying for it. So we need time to save. I'm sorry you are having an issue with your fam about being married. Do what is best for your family (you, so, and baby). Good luck.
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  • I am so glad that you posted here, I am in a very similar position. My parents are also Catholic, and their first question after we announced we were expecting was "So when is the wedding?" We were already engaged before we got our BFP, and it was definitely unplanned, though we embrace it completely - I always knew I wanted kids young (I'm 21, FI is 23). So, we decided to go ahead with the wedding, and let me tell you, I am beginning to feel it is more trouble than it is worth. Part of me is still wanting to wait until after LO is born and we are better established. FI has a 3 year old from a previous relationship and his child support is sky high, so we're often left with very little money. But the bills get paid, and we're doing ok.

    The guilt I feel every time I spend money on something for the wedding is crazy. I feel like we should be concentrating all our energy and time on this baby, but I know that my wedding is also really important to me. I'm not willing to sacrifice having a wonderful special day and honeymoon because I feel rushed or guilty.

    That being said, you need to remember that getting married is entirely YOUR choice, NOT your parents. Having battled my father my whole life over the Catholicism issue, I know exactly how you feel about that. My dad acts like my choice not to become Catholic or raise my child that way is personally insulting to him. This obviously makes me angry because it has nothing to do with him personally, I just do not agree with Catholicism. So I know how hard it is, but when he says hurtful things, I just pretend not to hear him and take it with a grain of salt - he was raised Catholic and it's very important to him.

    My advice is to do what you want to do when you are ready to do it. Your wedding is a special, once-in-a-lifetime event, and it's not fair to you to rush it because you feel pressured to do so. If your parents are understanding, hopefully they will come around eventually. I wish you the best of luck and happiness, it is nice to know someone else is in this situation with me!

    P.S. Sorry if my post is a little disorganized, I'm definitely ready for bed LOL

    ETA: Also, the comments about "OH, so you're getting married because you're pregnant" are BEYOND irritating and insulting. We were picking out rings a month before we got a BFP, and I would not get married just because we're expecting. I have gotten this comment from multiple people, including family members, and it makes me incredibly angry.

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  • thanks mdargie, for the comment. i knew there would be some poor soul who is going thru something similar! i'm sorry to hear about your difficulties with your parents but i'm happy for you, both for the baby and the wedding. :)

    my parents also have a beef with the fact that i no longer consider myself Catholic, and that the baby most likely will be brought up non-denom, but it's baffling to me that at this point all they can see is MARRIAGE (or lack there of). they are not excited about being 1st time grandparents, or even concerned about money (which seems a much more pressing issue).

    i know my dad (who was angrier) loves me, and will eventually love the baby just as much... but i can't seem to wrap my head around his way of thinking. marriage is too important a thing to me to rush into... but to him it's the "proper" thing to do.

    oy! 

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  • My dad is the same way, very distant about the whole thing. I think it will take him a while to come around, maybe not until after he is holding LO. But I try not to worry about this too much, because I'm happy and FI is happy and everyone else will come around.

    We too are financially challenged at the moment, and no one in my family understands our decision to have an intimate ceremony, and then a more casual reception for everyone to attend. But I've just decided that there is no way to please everyone, and I'm going to make sure I'm happy first LOL. At the end of the day, our wedding is about our love, not our whole entire family getting their nosy butts in at the ceremony. 

    Oy is about right! Wink

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  • You poor thing! You really don't need this added stress in your life. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. I am 25, boyfriend is 27, baby was not planned. We have never had a doubt in our minds that we were meant to be together but marriage wasn't discussed officially until we found out about the baby.

    My brother and the mother of his children got married when she found out she was pregnant. It was a quick courthouse wedding because he wanted to do the "right thing." Well, 2 years and $40,000 later they are divorced. My boyfriend's parents also got married when they found out they were pregnant and ended a few years later in divorce. I'm not trying to say at all that this will happen to you, but having a baby really changes people and relationships. I think you have enough to focus on with the baby that a wedding would just be too much!

    When I told my parents, they actually asked us NOT to get married right away... how many people can say that! Haha, I guess they just don't want to see the same thing happen to us as it did my brother. We are both simply stating, when asked about marriage, "after the baby." You want your marriage to be about you, because you both are feeling that it is right and you are both ready. Marriage shouldn't feel like a consequence or requirement because of the baby because who knows if you may hold some resentment to that in the future?

    I hope your parents come around and become more understanding. Don't let it get you down because then the little one will be sad as well and you don't want that!! :)

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  • thanks sarteratops.

    neither boyfriend nor i want to even consider divorce as an option in our marriage, when we get married but neither of us are naive enough to think that it won't be hard. having this baby will be trying on the both of us as it is, and i feel that when we make it thru this challenging (beautiful, joyful, amazing... yet challenging) time we will be a stronger couple for it.

    i'm sorry to hear about the divorces in your family's history -- divorce is so prevalent now adays. my own parents, who have remained married, have been the most unsuited couple and although they have not filed any papers sometimes they may as well be divorced. which is worse: living with two people who are miserable with each other, yet continue to live thru it... or living with two people who are in love, who let that warmth fuel the family rather than a piece of paper? 

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  • Just wanted to say ::hugs:: and sorry for the way your family is acting. I seriously think that weddings bring out the worst in people (not the people involved.... you know, the peanut gallery). And then to bring a baby into the equation I'm sure is seriously stressful.

    I know you said that you have chosen not to be Catholic, but would you feel comfortable talking to a priest simply for information. The reason I suggest this is so that you could get all the "catholic" info straight from the source. There are MANY priests who will not marry a couple while they are expecting (especially if there were no immediate plans of marriage prior to getting pregnant). I wonder if your dad is aware of this stipulation. Also, I'm assuming you aren't interested in a Catholic wedding- but to have a catholic wedding most churches now require that you be engaged for 6-9 months prior to marriage. Again- I know you said you aren't Catholic but I wonder if you having some information to present to you dad would make him feel any more comfortable with not wanting to be wed prior to the LO arrival.

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  • If you really want to get married, go to the courthouse.  No, you won't get your fancy white wedding, but that doesn't take away the meaning behind WHY you're getting married.

    Also, don't get married for the sake of the child.  Do it because you're truly in love with each other and can see yourselves together forever.

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  • This is why I "hate" religion. I can't believe your own parents would put you through the stress of an ultimatum like that, knowing this child is such a miracle!  that being said, if they are such devout Catholics, wouldn't it also be wrong of you to get married in a court house and not a church? I really hope that you do what's right for you, this is your life and your child, NOT theirs. 
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  • I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But, you're an adult. It's a decision that only you and your BF can make and you need to communicate that to your parents - they need to get on board and respect your decision. Getting married only because you're pregnant isn't fair to you, your BF or your baby.
  • image Nanner22:

    Just wanted to say ::hugs:: and sorry for the way your family is acting. I seriously think that weddings bring out the worst in people (not the people involved.... you know, the peanut gallery). And then to bring a baby into the equation I'm sure is seriously stressful.

    I know you said that you have chosen not to be Catholic, but would you feel comfortable talking to a priest simply for information. The reason I suggest this is so that you could get all the "catholic" info straight from the source. There are MANY priests who will not marry a couple while they are expecting (especially if there were no immediate plans of marriage prior to getting pregnant). I wonder if your dad is aware of this stipulation. Also, I'm assuming you aren't interested in a Catholic wedding- but to have a catholic wedding most churches now require that you be engaged for 6-9 months prior to marriage. Again- I know you said you aren't Catholic but I wonder if you having some information to present to you dad would make him feel any more comfortable with not wanting to be wed prior to the LO arrival.

     

    Great suggestion. I was hoping to "do my homework" and speak to a few people -- people who have experience in the matter. my dad told me that i needed to get married -THIS- week, so regardless that is not going to happen anyway but when i talk to him again i did want to have my thoughts together to form a valid reason why marriage should wait for us.

     

    thanks! 

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  • image Crash Into Me:

    If you really want to get married, go to the courthouse.  No, you won't get your fancy white wedding, but that doesn't take away the meaning behind WHY you're getting married.

    Also, don't get married for the sake of the child.  Do it because you're truly in love with each other and can see yourselves together forever.

     

    to be honest with you, BF and i have never wanted a "fancy white wedding" in the first place (yes, even before we found out we were pregnant). it's always been a plan for us to go somewhere beautiful to elope (rocky mountains -- we're big outdoor folks), followed by a reception with family and friends. before knowing we were pregnant we shared this desire with both sets of parents and both sets loved the idea. so now, because baby is coming, we didn't see a reason to change the plan -- our wedding desires are low-budget and can be done on a whim.

    and although we know our plans will change now that baby is coming, but we really didn't want to do something as impersonal, and embarrassed as rushing off to a courthouse. that seems like something a couple would do to avoid the "shame" of having a baby out of wedlock, even if they have the bigger event later.

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  • image diana82:
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But, you're an adult. It's a decision that only you and your BF can make and you need to communicate that to your parents - they need to get on board and respect your decision. Getting married only because you're pregnant isn't fair to you, your BF or your baby.

     

    That is exactly the road we're taking. Although I'm 25 I'm still -super- scared of my dad. i love him but he was a military chief for 30 years and that definitely carried over into our family dynamic.

    thanks :) 

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  •  FI and I were planning on getting married anyways before we got BFP. Our plans have gone from a nice, medium sized ceremony next year to a quick courthouse marriage a huge BBQ to celebrate. We figured that, in ten or so years, we'll renew our vows and have a nice elegant ceremony then.This our our own decision and no one has effected that. Sure, my family may be happier if I did it this way (or had gotten married 4 months ago), but I'm not doing it for them.

    That said, it's completely your decision. Like PP have said, it's not going to change your love for your child or her love for you. Regarding your parents, the only thing I'd be concerned with is that they may or may not treat your child unfairly (my family is also very traditional Catholic and I've seen it many times).

    If you aren't particularly close to your parents, though, then it really shouldn't matter what they think. I know it's better said than done, but you two are responsible for making decisions for yourself and for your family. You should do what you feel is right for you.

    February 19, 2010- BFP! March 14, 2010- M/C January 17, 2011- BFP! April 26th, 2011- It's a boy! Due September 20, 2011 May 2, 2011- Confirmed Gastroschisis August 7, 2011- Labor begins August 12, 2011- Max is born October 4, 2011- Max comes home!

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  • image pinkpigeon:

    image diana82:
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But, you're an adult. It's a decision that only you and your BF can make and you need to communicate that to your parents - they need to get on board and respect your decision. Getting married only because you're pregnant isn't fair to you, your BF or your baby.

     

    That is exactly the road we're taking. Although I'm 25 I'm still -super- scared of my dad. i love him but he was a military chief for 30 years and that definitely carried over into our family dynamic.

    thanks :) 

    I totally get that. I grew up with Catholic guilt too. :)  GL to you!

  • I think you will have more regrets rushing the wedding than waiting and doing it according to your plans.  I get that your parents are concerned about you and want you to do the right thing, but what they view as right for them might not be right for you.  Do it on your terms.

    I get this being difficult for you. I remember being torn up when I moved in with my then boyfriend with no engagement (he's now my DH).  My parents laid it on thick about what I was doing was wrong and why couldn't we continue to live apart, etc. They were worried he was stringing me along.  Some not nice things were said and a lot tears were cried.  Later they said they were wrong and apologized in a way that was different from any apology I had received from them and that meant a lot to me.  It turns out I have no regrets about my choice, but my parents have regrets about how they responded to my choice.   

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  • image julygal:

    I think you will have more regrets rushing the wedding than waiting and doing it according to your plans.  I get that your parents are concerned about you and want you to do the right thing, but what they view as right for them might not be right for you.  Do it on your terms.

    I get this being difficult for you. I remember being torn up when I moved in with my then boyfriend with no engagement (he's now my DH).  My parents laid it on thick about what I was doing was wrong and why couldn't we continue to live apart, etc. They were worried he was stringing me along.  Some not nice things were said and a lot tears were cried.  Later they said they were wrong and apologized in a way that was different from any apology I had received from them and that meant a lot to me.  It turns out I have no regrets about my choice, but my parents have regrets about how they responded to my choice.   

     

    i'm happy to hear everything turned out for you. i'm hoping not to hold any resentment towards my parents for how they have acted, and really hope things can be healed from here on out although our life choices are much different.

    thanks for the pep talk! 

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  • image pinkpigeon:
    image julygal:

    I think you will have more regrets rushing the wedding than waiting and doing it according to your plans.  I get that your parents are concerned about you and want you to do the right thing, but what they view as right for them might not be right for you.  Do it on your terms.

    I get this being difficult for you. I remember being torn up when I moved in with my then boyfriend with no engagement (he's now my DH).  My parents laid it on thick about what I was doing was wrong and why couldn't we continue to live apart, etc. They were worried he was stringing me along.  Some not nice things were said and a lot tears were cried.  Later they said they were wrong and apologized in a way that was different from any apology I had received from them and that meant a lot to me.  It turns out I have no regrets about my choice, but my parents have regrets about how they responded to my choice.   

     

    i'm happy to hear everything turned out for you. i'm hoping not to hold any resentment towards my parents for how they have acted, and really hope things can be healed from here on out although our life choices are much different.

    thanks for the pep talk! 

    I know things don't always work out well, but I really hope for your case this was just a knee-jerk reaction from your parents and time will help.  I just think that you shouldn't rush the marriage for the sake of doing the right thing and making your parents happy.  Your parents' happiness will not impact the baby in the same way your happiness will.  You are looking out for yourself and that baby now, so do things on your terms.  Good luck.  

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  • I don't really have any advice--this is something only YOU and your BF can decide on--other than to make sure you do realize that your parents can't *make* you give up the baby for adoption--you are an adult. So I don't know why they are giving you that nothing-but-air ultimatum.
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  • image pinkpigeon:
    image Nanner22:

    Just wanted to say ::hugs:: and sorry for the way your family is acting. I seriously think that weddings bring out the worst in people (not the people involved.... you know, the peanut gallery). And then to bring a baby into the equation I'm sure is seriously stressful.

    I know you said that you have chosen not to be Catholic, but would you feel comfortable talking to a priest simply for information. The reason I suggest this is so that you could get all the "catholic" info straight from the source. There are MANY priests who will not marry a couple while they are expecting (especially if there were no immediate plans of marriage prior to getting pregnant). I wonder if your dad is aware of this stipulation. Also, I'm assuming you aren't interested in a Catholic wedding- but to have a catholic wedding most churches now require that you be engaged for 6-9 months prior to marriage. Again- I know you said you aren't Catholic but I wonder if you having some information to present to you dad would make him feel any more comfortable with not wanting to be wed prior to the LO arrival.

     

    Great suggestion. I was hoping to "do my homework" and speak to a few people -- people who have experience in the matter. my dad told me that i needed to get married -THIS- week, so regardless that is not going to happen anyway but when i talk to him again i did want to have my thoughts together to form a valid reason why marriage should wait for us.

     

    thanks! 

    That's a great suggestion. I also have to wonder whether your parents will "accept" a marriage that is not in the Catholic church.  I know some Catholic churches won't accept Protestant weddings as "real."  (I don't know if the same issue applies to JP weddings.)  My sister had this problem when she converted to Catholicism and was told that it was up to the priest to decide.  This caused an uproar in my Protestant family, as they were making her child, who was born five years after their marriage, a bastard in the eyes of the Church.  This further underscored my family's unhappiness with her conversion.  The priest, after getting the hard core press from the head nun, finally relented and "accepted" their wedding in the eyes of the Church.  I found the whole thing idiotic as it's the same God and that sort of thing shouldn't be up to some man to decide.    

    That being said, if your parents won't accept a non-Catholic wedding and you don't want a Catholic wedding, then really it doesn't matter.  You're not going to be able to do anything to please them on this front and they're just going to have to come to terms with it and move on. 

    There are also often a lot of restrictions on getting married in the Catholic church (as the above poster mentioned).  If you and your SO are not practicing Catholics, that may be a real issue to getting married in the Church.  They may also require you to be active members of the Church and to go to classes for X amount of time prior.  That length of time may be longer than you have left in the pregnancy.  Good luck in whatever you decide.  The key is that you're doing what's best for you, your SO and your baby.    

    BFP#1 4/17/10...EDD 1/6/11...M/C 5/28/10 BFP#2 11/19/10...EDD 8/4/11 Squeaker born 7/30.
  • My opinion - it's never right to get married because you accidentally got pregnant. That's not a reason for marriage. Marriage is HARD and unless you are 100% committed, it's not going to work. That said - if you are going to get married anyway I don't think I (personally) would wait. It is YOUR decision to make though, and yours (and S/O) alone.

     

    edit: read a post above with a good point. DH's grandparents (on both sides) are um strong catholics. DH and I are both Christian, not catholic, and decided to have our wedding on the beach where we live. We both felt close to God there, we spent a lot of time there during our relationship and it's always been a calm place for me to go and get some peace. They were livid because we weren't having the wedding in a church so the marriage wouldn't be recognized in Catholicism. We didn't care but...just a thought, if you're getting married because your parents are pushing you and it's not in a church, they may not even recognize it.

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  • I just wanted to add in here that there is a BIG difference between having a wedding and getting married.  Lots of people get married to have the wedding, the big part, etc...but what really counts is the marriage. 

    Marriage should be for love and its not necessary to have the party. You can always do that a while after baby is born so you don't have to stress about the planning and the money now.

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  • image cherylanddoug:

    I just wanted to add in here that there is a BIG difference between having a wedding and getting married.  Lots of people get married to have the wedding, the big part, etc...but what really counts is the marriage. 

    Marriage should be for love and its not necessary to have the party. You can always do that a while after baby is born so you don't have to stress about the planning and the money now.

     

    right, like i mentioned before in above posts our objective is not even to have a big party. that's not our style, regardless of baby. i don't care about a wedding as much as i care about the marriage (a wedding is a day, the marriage is every day afterwards). which leads to my point: i don't want to be rushed into marriage. i don't want to get married just because "it's the right thing to do" in some people's eyes. i do want people to know we are getting married because we love each other, not out of shame. and this is why we want to wait to do what is proper in our eyes -- develop a strong family bond, get our finances in order. it is important to my SO to buy a ring and get down on one knee and propose, because to him that is a huge act of love.

    i guess to some people the engagement wouldn't matter, and the way the marriage begins wouldn't matter, which is where my dad is probably looking at the situation. but to us it does. maybe we're being too picky? 

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  • image CDK1:

    My opinion - it's never right to get married because you accidentally got pregnant. That's not a reason for marriage. Marriage is HARD and unless you are 100% committed, it's not going to work. That said - if you are going to get married anyway I don't think I (personally) would wait. It is YOUR decision to make though, and yours (and S/O) alone.

     

    edit: read a post above with a good point. DH's grandparents (on both sides) are um strong catholics. DH and I are both Christian, not catholic, and decided to have our wedding on the beach where we live. We both felt close to God there, we spent a lot of time there during our relationship and it's always been a calm place for me to go and get some peace. They were livid because we weren't having the wedding in a church so the marriage wouldn't be recognized in Catholicism. We didn't care but...just a thought, if you're getting married because your parents are pushing you and it's not in a church, they may not even recognize it.

     

    yes, we know we will get married anyways but it wasn't in the initial plan for our future. "may as well get married anyway" kind of knocks down the importance of marriage to me. if i had that standpoint i would have married him the day i realized he was "the one", which was long ago. people time their marriages for reasons -- they don't rush into them (usually) and i think it's smart to have a clear head on one's shoulder's about a lifelong commitment to each other, rather than an emergency "fire extinguisher" resolve.

    and yes, good points regarding the catholic church. we wouldn't get married in a catholic church anyways -- because of all the points brought up here, plus some. my dad wants us to go to a courthouse and make it legal, but me bringing up that he's Catholic just shows how strict he can be on what is right vs. what is wrong. SO and i are spiritual and religious and want to be married in God's name but my dad is concerned with "how things will look" if we live together/have a baby while unmarried.

    blah!

    i sound like such a complainer here. i know in the end my life is my life and my family now consists of me, SO, and little Bria. what my father says/thinks still holds a high regard in my mind but, regardless i will do what is right us MY family. there may not be an easy way out for my dad and i, except for time to heal? 

    Bria - Born 7/20/2011 - 2 yrs old

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  • image pinkpigeon:
    image CDK1:

    My opinion - it's never right to get married because you accidentally got pregnant. That's not a reason for marriage. Marriage is HARD and unless you are 100% committed, it's not going to work. That said - if you are going to get married anyway I don't think I (personally) would wait. It is YOUR decision to make though, and yours (and S/O) alone.

     

    edit: read a post above with a good point. DH's grandparents (on both sides) are um strong catholics. DH and I are both Christian, not catholic, and decided to have our wedding on the beach where we live. We both felt close to God there, we spent a lot of time there during our relationship and it's always been a calm place for me to go and get some peace. They were livid because we weren't having the wedding in a church so the marriage wouldn't be recognized in Catholicism. We didn't care but...just a thought, if you're getting married because your parents are pushing you and it's not in a church, they may not even recognize it.

     

    yes, we know we will get married anyways but it wasn't in the initial plan for our future. "may as well get married anyway" kind of knocks down the importance of marriage to me. if i had that standpoint i would have married him the day i realized he was "the one", which was long ago. people time their marriages for reasons -- they don't rush into them (usually) and i think it's smart to have a clear head on one's shoulder's about a lifelong commitment to each other, rather than an emergency "fire extinguisher" resolve.

    and yes, good points regarding the catholic church. we wouldn't get married in a catholic church anyways -- because of all the points brought up here, plus some. my dad wants us to go to a courthouse and make it legal, but me bringing up that he's Catholic just shows how strict he can be on what is right vs. what is wrong. SO and i are spiritual and religious and want to be married in God's name but my dad is concerned with "how things will look" if we live together/have a baby while unmarried.

    blah!

    i sound like such a complainer here. i know in the end my life is my life and my family now consists of me, SO, and little Bria. what my father says/thinks still holds a high regard in my mind but, regardless i will do what is right us MY family. there may not be an easy way out for my dad and i, except for time to heal? 

     

    I hope it didn't sound like I was saying I thought you were only getting married for the baby. I meant that your dad's reasoning is wrong lol. Hmm do you know if the Catholic church recognizes JP weddings? If not, do you think that would be important to your dad, or he just wants you legally married? You sound pretty clear that you want to wait. So, I think you have your answer, and good for you. I am a strong believer that the ideal situation is marriage and then kids, but when that doesn't happen (because let's be honest, it doesn't happen all the time lol) people shouldn't just get married because of the baby. You are being wise. I really hope that your dad can come to terms with your decision. I really really hope that for you. 

     

    also - the reason I wouldn't wait (if I were 100% sure I wanted to marry this man and he was 100% he wanted to marry me) is because I never was a fan of long engagements. My DH and I started dating in April of one year, and the next year got engaged on July 4th and were Married November 22nd, same year (we knew each other and were good friends for 3 years before that). It would have been sooner but we wanted family to have time to buy plane tickets to come since I lived 1000 miles away :). That's all.

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  • you have to decide the moral side of things based on what you feel is the right thing to do BUT

    i wanted to say i have experience working with couples/people in financial stress, and from a financial perspective it is NOT a good idea to make major purchases as a couple unless you are legally married.

    this includes houses, cars, and credit card debt.

    regardles of your moral decision, i would continue to rent until you get married and keep any other major purchases under ONLY the person's name who plans to be responsible for them

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  • The choice is ultimately yours, and it's one you two need to be sure of and happy with. 

    That said, I'm pretty traditional, and here's my take. If you two plan on getting married, I see no reason not to now. It's like the When Harry Met Sally ideal- "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible" (to paraphrase). Marriage isn't about the wedding, the 'perfect ring' or the 'perfect story.' (Frankly, if it was, you're missing the obvious 'perfect timing' aspect there -not judging, just pointing that out). You can always 'upgrade' your ring at an anniversary- that's completely acceptable these days, and many people have a fancier 'reception' or vow renewal later on as well. Marriage is about the commitment. If you two really plan on getting married, then this wouldn't be a 'knee-jerk' reaction. It should be about wanting to send the message to your little girl that you two are as serious about your relationship with each other as you are about bringing her into this world together- that you value your commitment together in life (and this event) as THAT important.

    The bottom line here in my opinion comes down to how you two really view marriage. Personally, I think sending the message that making that commitment isn't as vital and 'can wait' compared to the extreme commitment of raising a child together is a bit mixed up. Certainly you didn't plan to have children right now, but still. If you plan on getting married within a couple of years, why not do it now? Waiting sends the message that it's more about the ceremony and ring and 'doing what you want' than about the actual marriage & raising a child together.

    I'm quite sure many people disagree with me, but that's my take. 

  • I am in a similar situation in that my boyfriend and I are also unmarried and our pregnancy was unplanned. However, thankfully, our families have both been extremely supportive, and it saddens me that yours are being so close-minded.

    Seriously- get married or adoption?! They have no right to make that kind of ultimatum to you. Also, I've always been confused by religious people who feel that an unmarried couple should wed quickly after becoming pregnant. Isn't the "sin" becoming pregnant out of wedlock? So in a sense, the rush to get married is just a sham to make it look like that never happened. And what "legalities" are they referring to exactly?

    As others have said, you need to do what feels right for you. Personally, I think it's a smart and responsible decision to hold off on the marriage due to your financial situation. It is NOT going to negatively affect your child or "send the wrong message" if you wait. I would feel incredibly guilty spending money on a wedding right now instead of investing it in our baby and future.

    Hopefully, your dad will eventually come to terms with your decision and love his granddaughter, despite the circumstances, and realize that your life is your life...not his.
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  • I agree, to do what you feel is best for you. My SO and I discussed getting married before I got pregnant, had even picked out a date(9/11/11), but it changed because baby is due 9/8/11. LOL (Baby playing jokes on us.)

    We'll get married after he/she is born because I just don't want to rush before the baby is born. I usually don't care what ppl think, but I just don't want to look like I did something wrong or am ashamed of my baby, like he/she was a mistake.  I'm going to marry him b/c I love him, not because it's the right thing to do to some people.

     

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  • I'm not entirely sure why this seems to be a knee-jerk reaction for "people of faith," or why said people sometimes feel they have the right to say hateful things, much less justify them against their faith.  Don't they realize they're not only damaging important relationships - they're making a bad name for themselves AND their faith as well?

    And I definitely know how it feels to have hurtful things said about you in the name of someone else's faith - I'm currently at odds with my maternal grandparents because of a very disrespectful, public tongue-lashing on their part in which they outlined all the ways I've become a heathen and a "dead fish in the river" .

    I say, stick to your plan.  I work hard to be a calm and levelheaded person, and I am a big believer that people make the most mistakes when they rush.  Your parents are too concerned with appearances, and not concerned enough with yours, your boyfriend's, or your future child's well-being.  They're not concerned with practicality, they're simply defaulting to the "rules" of their faith.

    You know what will make you wonderful parents to your baby girl?  Caring for her, loving her, and providing for her.  Being unified in your relationship and working together, talking together, making plans together, and making a home for her, whether that home entails a marriage certificate immediately or not.  Parenthood isn't defined by marriage - this has been made clear by the fact that single parents, gay parents, and parents who simply choose never to marry have been able to raise wonderful, well-rounded, well-adjusted children.  What parenthood is defined by is love and dedication to yourself and/or your significant other, and to your precious child.  F**k.  Everyone.  Else.

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