2nd Trimester

Overbearing mom.

 How do you deal with a over bearing and SENSITIVE mom without hurting her feelings?

I just recently found out that my mom expects that she will be in the delivery room when lo is born and THEN staying with us after the lo is born. No, no, no, no, NOOOO. I don't want anyone but DH with me in the delivery room and I really don't want people at my house the first few days afterward either. When she was talking about this I literally started sweating. Just the thought stressed me out so much I couldn't stay on the phone with her. I love my mom but she has always been easier to love from far away....know what I mean? Ha.

So, where to I go from here? How do I let her down gently? My hormones would let me tell everyone else to eff off but I just can't do that to my own mom. What would you ladies do?

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Re: Overbearing mom.

  • You need to start this conversation now. Don't wait until the last minute. You just need to be straight forward with her and tell her what YOU want. If it hurts her feelings, she'll get over it. If she brings it up again, stay strong. She might cry and pout, but that is just too bad.
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  • I agree 100% same situation with my MIL.  I keep telling her that since she wasn't around when we conceived she won't be in the delivery room.  As for staying after LO is born, I want the chance to learn how to be a new parent on my own (that's what I am going to tell MIL word for word).  I am telling her and my mom that if we need help we will ask, and I am going to offer up that they can cook some meals in advance for us, but they can't drop them off unexpectedly.  ;)  be firm, its your baby, your family, lots of luck. 
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  • IDK your relationship with your mom, I adore my mom, but sometimes she drives me BSC. As far as the delivery goes, you have every right to have whomever you want by your bedside. You could tell her that the hospital requests spouses only wherever possible, maybe it won't hurt her feelings as much.

    As far as her being there when you come home, I cringed at the thought of mom being there constantly when DS came home, and when all was said and done, I thanked heaven she was there every day. Can you do it all alone, just you and DH, absolutely. Is it 1000x easier to get adjusted with help from mom? Yep. I appreciate my mom in such a different way now that I'm a mom too. Having her there did not in any way change the dynamic in my household, or the way I bonded with DS.

    My mom's cancer has relapsed very recently, and the only thing that matters to me is that she's there when this LO comes home. I can do it without her, but I don't want to. 

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  • Well, I am coming at this from the perspective of having my mom in the delivery room and stay with us for two weeks, but it was a wonderful experience from start to finish. I had a long and difficult 2 day labor and my mom was an invaluable support to both DH and I. She was a calming influence and there is no one like your mom when you are sick and exhausted and in pain. It was an incredibly special experience having her there with us and Dh agrees. We are both bummed she can't be there this time, but she has to take care of DD. 

    As far as having her stay with us - thank goodness she was there. She was a LIFESAVER!! She cooked, she cleaned, she took the baby and walked the floors with her while she screamed and I cried my eyes out. She helped me with personal hygiene (I had a terrible 3rd degree tear). She helped with the dog and basically kept our house running so DH and I could parent, bond and rest. When her visit was over I cried and cried. I didn't want her to leave at all. 

    On the other hand, my MIL and SIL arrived a few days later and that was rough on me. I had a hard time surrendering any kind of control to them and I was really critical of everything they tried to do. I begged my Dh to send them home. We normally have a wonderful relationship, but it was trying to have them there when my emotions were running so high. I was a total b!tch and super emotional the entire time.  They were incredibly helpful, but they couldn't do anything right in my eyes.

    You just never know how these things are going to go, I guess. Good luck!!

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  • She's your mom, just tell her! Tell her that you and your husband would like LO's birth to be a private moment and that she is welcome to visit you in the hospital after you're in your post-partum room. Tell her that you also need some time to get used to having the baby home before anyone comes over. That you would love for her to visit, but you would x amount of days as a family before ANYone comes to visit you in your home.

    As long as she understands that these requests apply to everyone and not just her, she should understand how you're feeling :)

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  • my mom still makes a big deal about not being able to be present in the birthing room. this is #3 for me and she is still bitter from the other two.

    here's what I suggest "mom, hubby and ihave discussed this a lot, but we feel like when i get to about 9 cm we want just hubby and i in the room. it's not you; no one else will be allowed to be present other than the staff. as far as after the baby is born i think i will really want to just get some rest and then call you if/ when we need your assistance. which im sure i will need at some point. I just don't want to make plans and rush if i really feel like i just want some alone time"

  • " Thank you so much for your kind offer, but we have it covered."  No further explanations, just " we have  it covered."

    I understand not wanting to hurt her feelings, but that is life.  Sometimes being an adult means making tough decisions and hurting a loved ones feelings.  Trust me, it isn't the end of the world and she will be ok.  You are the  mom and the patient and your desires and comforts are more important than hers. 

  • Just remember, it is not your fault.  Your Mom should never have those expectations.  I mean, I love my sister beyond words, but I never just assumed that I would be in the delivery room with her.  That is for her and my BIL to share.

    I would bring it up ASAP and let her know that it is the beginning of your family and a moment that you and DH will share.

    I had to actually have this conversation with my MIL and it was not pleasant but it was necessary.  The only people present for my LOs birth with be DH my MW and other necessary staff.

    GL! 

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  • If she is overbearing and sensitive then you are just going to have to get used to the idea that sometimes you will hurt her feelings. And that the world will not end. The sooner you start working through these issues, the happier you will both be. This will not end with the birth. Attempt to let her down gently, certainly, but recognize that you have no control in the end to how she chooses to react. Especially since she's guaranteed to know how uncomfortable you are with saying no and will take advantage of that.
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  • I would definitely tell her asap that you only want your DH in the delivery room, and that she can visit after you've had some time to settle down. 

    Thank goodness it is the norm in my family for people to give the couple space! It's only ever the hubby in the room and family visits later. 

  • Of course I do not know the relationship between you and your mom but my mother is very overbearing as well. I had to be firm with both her and MIL. MIL is cool but my mom is, like I said, overbearing, and wants to be present for everything in my life. When my mom asked about being in the room, I told her I didn't want anyone in the room except for doctor's, nurses, and my SO.  When MIL asked the same question, SO respected my choice and gave her the same answer. She hasn't mentioned staying with me but we don't really have anywhere for her to sleep anyway.

    At the end of the day, it's your baby, your family, your house, your choice. You and DH determine what goes on with your family and your household. People are going to have to respect that.

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  • Trust me, tell her NOW!!!  I have the same type of mom -- overbearing and VERY sensitive!!!  DD is 5 and I felt pressure from her for the first four years -- until other things went wrong in my family (another thread or novel, lol) and I just flatout couldn't take it any longer.  She and my dad came into the delivery room until the nurses kicked everyone but DH out and I didn't feel I could say GET OUT like I wanted.  After the baby was born, she was overbearing about everything.  Learn to say NO to your mom NOW so that when baby comes, you will be good at it!  You don't have to be mean/hateful, just be FIRM!!!!  I wish I would have learned that a LONGGGGG time ago!!!!!  Good luck!  Parents can be great and parents can SUCK when they're pushy!!!!!!
  • Thanks for all the advice everyone. I am gonna call her tonight and have a talk with her. :)
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