Blended Families

My vent on BM and myself

So on Sunday evenings DH and SS11 get to do one of their weekly webcam chats. BM sits with SS11 while doing these every Sunday & Wednesday. So, Friday was DH's birthday and BM whispers in to SS11's ear to ask his father what he got for his birthday. So DH tells him a new pair of tennis shoes. SS11 then asks if I made him a cake and DH says no. BM then says "if you want I can make you your apple pie and send it up next weekend". BM and SS11 both think this is hilariously funny and DH says thats ok, I'm good. I'm so irritated. Apparently she used to make DH an apple pie every year (his favorite) for his birthday.

Im upset that I'm still being made out as a joke in front of SS11. And I'm even more upset that I let myself get upset STILL by comments like these. I know she's just being immature but its hard to always be the bigger person. I swear if she sends an apple pie up with SS11 next weekend I am going to personally call and thank her and tell her that it is exactly what I needed at 36 weeks pregnant. Why do I still let her make me feel like crap for not baking my husband a birthday cake or making him a pie? I know he doesnt care and is exercising and watching what he eats right now but its not the point. I still let myself feel like a bad wife and I hate that she has that ability to do that to me still.

Re: My vent on BM and myself

  • You're out of line.  Your DH and his Ex will always have a connection.  It's not about you, it's about them and teh child they share together.  Don't take this personally, I don't think it was an attempt to put you in a bad light at all.
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  • image Karma1969:
    You're out of line.  Your DH and his Ex will always have a connection.  It's not about you, it's about them and teh child they share together.  Don't take this personally, I don't think it was an attempt to put you in a bad light at all.

    I disagree with you, it was specifically directed at me. She is the one who told SS11 to ask what his father got for his birthday because SHE wanted to know what I got him. It is none of her business what I got him for his birthday. And to offer to bake him a cake like I am not taking care of him as his wife has nothing to do with the child they share or their "connection".

  • image Karma1969:
    You're out of line.  Your DH and his Ex will always have a connection.  It's not about you, it's about them and teh child they share together.  Don't take this personally, I don't think it was an attempt to put you in a bad light at all.

     

    Sorry, I disagree.

    Yes, your DH and his ex will "always have a connection".....their child.  I think it's inappropriate for her to interject other "romantic" inuendos into their conversations.  Her baking him an apple pie was a loving gesture she made, while they were together.  They are not together anymore.  There should be no "loving/romantic gestures" made.  There should be friendly/civil/nice behavior as far as dealing with co-parenting, but any romance or romantically related conversation is inappropriate IMO.

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  • If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

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  • I agree with Jessy. My SDs BM brings up memories from their marriage, she and DH see each other for a total of 2 hrs per year but she squeezes them in! It irks me but I don't react. If I react, she gets what she wants so I just smile and go about my business. I'm the one going home with him, so she can hang on to those memories all she wants. Don't let it get to you!
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  • image Jessys_Girl:

    image Karma1969:
    You're out of line.  Your DH and his Ex will always have a connection.  It's not about you, it's about them and teh child they share together.  Don't take this personally, I don't think it was an attempt to put you in a bad light at all.

     

    Sorry, I disagree.

    Yes, your DH and his ex will "always have a connection".....their child.  I think it's inappropriate for her to interject other "romantic" inuendos into their conversations.  Her baking him an apple pie was a loving gesture she made, while they were together.  They are not together anymore.  There should be no "loving/romantic gestures" made.  There should be friendly/civil/nice behavior as far as dealing with co-parenting, but any romance or romantically related conversation is inappropriate IMO.

    I agree with you. It doesn't sound like you and her have a great relationship but do you H and his ex have a decent relationship? She might think that it's ok to make him a pie if they are friends but still I think I would be pretty upset if my H's ex baked him a pie. Of course if MY H's ex did that I would have it checked for posion because they don't have a decent relationship. Now if my SS's made H a cake and brought it to him that would be completely different.

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  • image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    to me this is different.  I think the whole "I used to bake you apple pies on your birthday so I'm going to SPECIFICALLY BRING UP the special apple pies" is very different than "i know you like oatmeal cookies, I made a batch and sent a few tih our son, if he wants to share them with you he can".  The first one is distinctly "lovey dovey" and the second is more "friendly".....I am not even sure WHY or IF that makes sense, LOL, but it's how I feel.

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  • image Jessys_Girl:
    image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    to me this is different.  I think the whole "I used to bake you apple pies on your birthday so I'm going to SPECIFICALLY BRING UP the special apple pies" is very different than "i know you like oatmeal cookies, I made a batch and sent a few tih our son, if he wants to share them with you he can".  The first one is distinctly "lovey dovey" and the second is more "friendly".....I am not even sure WHY or IF that makes sense, LOL, but it's how I feel.

    eh.  I still don't see a big difference.  We don't have a bad relationship with his Ex though.  They will sometimes make a few comments/jokes about when they were together.  It doesn't offend me.  They have a shared history. 

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  • image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    You dirty ho...or is it ho-ho? Count me in your club, I bake for everyone. 

    I understand that her intention was to make you feel bad. I do get that. Because that WAS her intention. If she was just being nice, and had no malicious intentions she would have just baked a pie and sent it along with SS, without asking those  questions, and putting you on the spot.

    In the end, we have to remember that we cannot control others actions. We can only control our own, and how we react to them. Try not to let it bother you.

  • If you feel like a bad wife because you didn't make a cake...why didn't you just make him one? I don't get it.
    Stay at Home Mama to 3 Beautiful Children by the miracles of Birth & Adoption
  • I think my bigger vent would be that BM sits there during the video call, tells SS what to say and interjects into the conversation. I can understand her being around in case there are technical difficulties with the computer, but an 11 year old who does this twice a week doesn't really need her help talking to his dad.

    Don't let stupid comments like that get to you. There are reasons why he divorced her and why he married and loves you and they have nothing to do with baked goods!

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  • image CurlyQ284:
    I agree with Jessy. My SDs BM brings up memories from their marriage, she and DH see each other for a total of 2 hrs per year but she squeezes them in! It irks me but I don't react. If I react, she gets what she wants so I just smile and go about my business. I'm the one going home with him, so she can hang on to those memories all she wants. Don't let it get to you!

    Yes

  • image paris.inthe.spring:
    image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    You dirty ho...or is it ho-ho? Count me in your club, I bake for everyone. 

    I understand that her intention was to make you feel bad. I do get that. Because that WAS her intention. If she was just being nice, and had no malicious intentions she would have just baked a pie and sent it along with SS, without asking those  questions, and putting you on the spot.

    In the end, we have to remember that we cannot control others actions. We can only control our own, and how we react to them. Try not to let it bother you.

    I know right, thats why I had to include myself in the vent because I cant believe after all the other major stuff in the past 2 years I let something really stupid and insignificant upset me lol. Thats my problem, by now I should be able to just shrug it off and usually I can but this time I let myself feel bad. I was irritated as much with her as myself!

  • image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I have nothing relevent to add, I just <3 this quote. Big Smile

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  • image Jessys_Girl:
    image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    to me this is different.  I think the whole "I used to bake you apple pies on your birthday so I'm going to SPECIFICALLY BRING UP the special apple pies" is very different than "i know you like oatmeal cookies, I made a batch and sent a few tih our son, if he wants to share them with you he can".  The first one is distinctly "lovey dovey" and the second is more "friendly".....I am not even sure WHY or IF that makes sense, LOL, but it's how I feel.

    Yea this is exactly how I felt as well and since she has tried in the past to get him back by trying to reminisce in ways like by sending him a video on his phone of their wedding dance (she put the wedding video on the TV and then recorded their wedding dance with her phone and then forwarded it to his phone), stuff like that is why I know it was a direct insult to me. It would totally be different if we met at our halfway point and she was just like here is some extra cookies I baked for your drive back or something like that.

  • image nickelbabi:

    I think my bigger vent would be that BM sits there during the video call, tells SS what to say and interjects into the conversation. I can understand her being around in case there are technical difficulties with the computer, but an 11 year old who does this twice a week doesn't really need her help talking to his dad.

    Don't let stupid comments like that get to you. There are reasons why he divorced her and why he married and loves you and they have nothing to do with baked goods!

    Yes that is definitely annoying to my DH, but its been like that since they moved so we are used to it.She also has to be sitting next to SS11 when he's on the phone talking to DH as well. I think she just needs to know what is being talked about. I wonder if SS11 opens up as much as he would if she wasnt there, like if he wasnt happy with the move I'm sure he's not going to say so in front of her but who knows.

  • image mom2one:
    If you feel like a bad wife because you didn't make a cake...why didn't you just make him one? I don't get it.

    This.

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  • image Erin0922:
    image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I have nothing relevent to add, I just <3 this quote. Big Smile

    I think I might put this quote in my siggy.

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    "Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
  • image fauxshelley:

    image mom2one:
    If you feel like a bad wife because you didn't make a cake...why didn't you just make him one? I don't get it.

    This.

    I am not going to go out of my way to make him a cake he doesnt want just because she always used to make him an apple pie. It was silly that I even let it bother me in the first place, to go out and actually buy or make a cake three days after his birthday because of her comment is ridiculous.

  • image Jessys_Girl:
    image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    to me this is different.  I think the whole "I used to bake you apple pies on your birthday so I'm going to SPECIFICALLY BRING UP the special apple pies" is very different than "i know you like oatmeal cookies, I made a batch and sent a few tih our son, if he wants to share them with you he can".  The first one is distinctly "lovey dovey" and the second is more "friendly".....I am not even sure WHY or IF that makes sense, LOL, but it's how I feel.

    I completely agree with Jessy on this.

    I also think that I would be super annoyed with BM having to be on the video call. Unless the SK is too small to hold himself up OR not old enough to stay in place long enough for the call there is NO reason for her to be on it. Also, it's suposed to be them talking not her telling SS what to say.

    But I also think that if you feel that bad then you should have just made him a cake.

    Lastly, don't worry I think we all have those days when we let stupid things BMs do get to us. As long as it's not everytime you'll be ok.

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  • I would take her up on the offer. Ask her if she would mind making that apple pie that DH loved so you can try it. Sounds yummy to me. I'd play right back....but I'm kinda immature. 

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  • I don't understand why you are upset, it's free pie! And if she made it every year for his b-day, it must be damn good pie!

    If BM made DH an apple pie, I would go buy some vanilla ice cream. What can I say? I love baked goods, no matter who it's from.

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  • image karatechrissy:
    image Erin0922:
    image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I have nothing relevent to add, I just <3 this quote. Big Smile

    I think I might put this quote in my siggy.

    Feel free. I would be honored to see my name in lights.
    image
  • Can we chalk this one up to pregnancy hormones? 'Cause I'm in the "overreacted" club too.

    It's annoying that she has to be on a call, but it's not about you. If you and your H had his perfect birthday together, then who the heck cares if she makes him a pie? I doubt HE sees pie as a romantic gesture ... and even if he did, is he honestly going to leave you because his ex-wife sent him a pie?

    And if he's not going to leave you, then why are you worried about it?

    (Also, I think it's probably really cool for your SS to have a conversation with his mom and his dad at the same time. I know my DSS would love that ... not maliciously because he hates me, just because he loves all of his parents. Don't make the kids feel like one parent is taboo in the other's house just because you had a moment of insecurity.)

    Like I said, I'm going to chalk it up to hormones. :)

  • image smbsantacruz:

    Can we chalk this one up to pregnancy hormones? 'Cause I'm in the "overreacted" club too.

    It's annoying that she has to be on a call, but it's not about you. If you and your H had his perfect birthday together, then who the heck cares if she makes him a pie? I doubt HE sees pie as a romantic gesture ... and even if he did, is he honestly going to leave you because his ex-wife sent him a pie?

    And if he's not going to leave you, then why are you worried about it?

    (Also, I think it's probably really cool for your SS to have a conversation with his mom and his dad at the same time. I know my DSS would love that ... not maliciously because he hates me, just because he loves all of his parents. Don't make the kids feel like one parent is taboo in the other's house just because you had a moment of insecurity.)

    Like I said, I'm going to chalk it up to hormones. :)

    I would have never thought of this that way. I agree you're completely right. I don't think it'll ever happen because DH and BM hate eachother but I think SS would totally think that would be cool for  all three of them to interact together.

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  • image mom2one:
    If you feel like a bad wife because you didn't make a cake...why didn't you just make him one? I don't get it.

    This.  She can't really make you feel bad.  Sounds like you already felt bad and she hit a sore spot.  It's too bad that SS was there, otherwise you could have just laid a big ol' wet kiss on DH and said "this!" and winked at her.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    I would love to steal your quote...but I haven't been able to log into my acct for 2 months now. (I have new pictures dang it!!)

    Anywho if my ex lived close by I would love to bake him a cake on his b'day. Not because it is romantic, but because it is a good thing to teach ds & we would have fun while doing it. But then again ds is 6 and not 11.

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  • I can understand being bothered by her comment, and further bothered that her comment bothered you so much in the first place. I say it's a legit vent. You already know that you shouldn't let her get to you, but she does anyway, so as long as you aren't complaining about it to DH as well and only venting here, I think you're justified. Sometimes you just have to get it off your chest and have your feelings validated.
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  • image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    This isn't "someone" this is her ex-husband, someone she baked for out of love and intimacy.

    It's a very different action from baking for a friend or co-worker.

    And the way she presented it, from what I can tell here, was inappropriate and meant as a slight to the OP.

    I would never bake specifically for my ex-husband and expect it not to upset his fiancee. 

  • image katieisawesome:
    image Karma1969:

    If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic,  I must be a slut. 

    I don't think this is a big deal at all.  My DH's ex makes great oatmeal cookies that he loves.  Every once in a while she will send over a batch for him.  I think it's a nice thing to do.  I don't think by any stretch that she is suggesting that I must suck as a wife because I'm not making him oatmeal cookies.

    This isn't "someone" this is her ex-husband, someone she baked for out of love and intimacy.

    It's a very different action from baking for a friend or co-worker.

    And the way she presented it, from what I can tell here, was inappropriate and meant as a slight to the OP.

    I would never bake specifically for my ex-husband and expect it not to upset his fiancee. 

    Actually it was the posters DH EX wife.  OP never said that her DH had an issue with it either, just her.  I still think it's no big deal.  It's a pie. 

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