2nd Trimester

s/o Do you think the mother/daughter relationship is overidealized?

It seems like tons of women want a girl that they can have a bond with and be close with when they're grown. But irl, I don't know, it seems like more girls have that sort of bond with their fathers to me.

Most Moms and daughters I know have a lot of ups and downs in their relationship as mutual adults, and some flat out don't get along. It just strikes me as strange that young women continually idealize that mother and daughter relationship, given frequent proof in their own lives that these things rarely turn out perfectly

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Re: s/o Do you think the mother/daughter relationship is overidealized?

  • I was a daddy's girl when I was younger but as a young woman and now grown woman am hands down closer to my mom.  I think it's easier for mothers/daughters to tolerate the ups and downs in their relationship (I totally have this with my mom) but I think it's because we're so much alike we respond the same way.  I am not like my father at all so when we argue we argue differently and there's a strain on our relationship for awhile, whereas with my mom we get over it quicker and are more understanding of each other.

    I wouldn't know what to do without my mother and I hope my daughter feels that way about me someday.

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  • I do not have a relationship with my mom.  She treated me very badly until my got custody. My G-mom raised me along with my Aunt.  G-mom died almost 3 years ago and my aunt was more like a sibling.  That being said, I just want a healthy baby. I guess because my mom/daughter relationship was non-existant I never wished for that girl so we could have a special bond.
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  • I am one of those that bonded with Dad and have a very complicated relationship with Mom. This was one of the primary reasons that I was really hoping for a son.

    I never really realized just how much of a buffer my Dad provided between my Mom and myself until he passed away 6 years ago.

    I know it's not isolated to me, because my sister interacts with her even less than I do.

    Obviously, you don't get to choose the gender of your child, and my husband and I are having a daughter. It scares me that I really don't know what my Mom did to make our relationship so difficult, so I really don't even feel like I can learn from her mistakes. 

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  • My mother and I had a horrid relationship growing up. It's better now, but still not what I would want for my kids.  So yes, I think it absolutely is. I want to have a close relationship with my kids regardless if they are both boys or if this next one is a girl.
  • I would say my dad and more "friends" than my mom and i are, but i think ours is a special snowflake situation.  

    My mom is an identical twin and no one has ever been closer to my mom than her twin.   They are like one person.  

    My dad and i are a LOT alike and understand each other very well.  

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  • I'm close with my mom, my sister is not. I love my dad, but I can talk easier with my mom.

    The bond my mom and I share isn't enough for me to "want" a particular gender/sex.

    I think the most important thing is to be a good and open parent. DH and his mom are close, and he's a boy.


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  • i should add that my mom and I do have a good mother/daughter relationship and very rarely if ever conflict over anything.
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  • My mom is my best friend. I love my Dad, and I'm really close with him as well, but I do have an awesome relationship with my mother.

    I certainly hope my daughter and I will have the same relationship her Nana and I have, but I also know that takes work (esp. in the teenage years) and a lot of willingness on the part of the mom to be flexible and let your daughter be who she is. I think often moms have this expectation of how it WILL be when it comes to their daughters and want too much of their girls, and that leads to friction. I'm like my mom in a lot of ways, and different from her in many others, and she was willing to roll with that and adjust as I was growing up.

    My mom supported me and encouraged me to be myself, and I think that's why we are as close as we are today. From the experience of many of my friends, their mothers just were not capable of that, and it has hurt their relationships.

  • I have no relationship with my mother. She is toxic to me and is not part of my life anymore.

    I also see a lot of posts where women wish for a daughter because they think they are going to be so close, do all the "girly" things together, etc, and I think they are setting themselves up for disappointment.

    I have a daughter and I'd much rather see her nurturing her mind that dressing up like a princess and getting her nails done all the time.

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  • I have an awesome relationship with my mom and while my dad and I get along great our relationship is no where near what my mom and I have.  I love both my dads, but it's just not the same.  As with all posts about mom/daughter and mil/dil relationships I think the perspective of whether it is over idealized is directly related to your own relationship and life experience.  Not all moms are great moms and not all daughters are great daughters.  It would be impossible for everyone to have the stereotypical mother daughter relationship.  In my case no I don't think it is over idealized at all and my mom and I have certainly had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day any good relationship has ups and downs and it is more about how you deal with them than the fact that you have them.  IMHO any relationship without struggles is generally a surface level relationship at best.
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  • I was very much a Daddy's girl growing up and fought with my mom all the time. I now relate a lot more to my Mom but we still butt heads whereas my Dad and I have never been that way.

  • I have to say one of my irrational pet peeves is women really hoping for a girl so they can have some pie in the sky relationship with their daughter. 

    I am very close with my mother, I am super lucky we have a lot in common, she even buys me work clothes boxes them and ships them to me b/c she knows my taste and decorated our guest room from 400 miles away.  She spent the better part of my childhood driving me thousands of miles to horse competitions and lots of hours in the car together discussing the meaning of life and everything under the sun.  We have had our minor ups and downs.  We are close but she is not my best friend, she is my mom. If I have a girl, I am not looking for anything different than I have with her.  I don't want my child, male or female to be my best friend.  I know that in all likelihood they are going to be very different from me and I need to respect that.

    All that said, I am my father's daughter. We share the same laid back personality and are super close.  I wouldn't say I am daddy's girl at all we just simply relate on a certain level because we are similar.


  • I am closer to my father because of how much like him I am.  While my mother and father have a wonderful relationship, the parts of me that are like her make our relationship less close.  That being said, I have a great relationship with my entire family because they are awesome!  Big Smile

    I think that sometimes one set is closer than another down a family tree.  My mother was closer to her mother than we are, and her sister was closer to her father.  Now, my aunt and cousin are super close, while my mother and I are not as close.  I wouldn't be surprised if my daughter and I are more alike while my cousin might have a bit of a closer relationship with her son (who is like a mini her).  I think people get used to roles, and that can affect those types of relationships.

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  • If my daughter and I have half of the relationship that my mom and I have, I'll be thrilled. She's the best person I know...kind, loving, non-judgemental, and always there for me. We went through the regular ups and downs that all kids go through with their parents, but never anything big (and never anything I didn't deserve).  She's just truly an amazing, wonderful person. I love her so much. Awww, now I want to call her! Note: I realize how lucky I am.
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  • My mom and I have a great relationship and she is my best friend. However, I have a twin brother and they are extremely close as well. He tells her everything. So I don't think you need to have a daughter to share that special bond.
  • It is funny, because I've always had the notion that mothers and daughters have many more problems than mothers and sons.  I personally have a horrible relationship with my mom, but it's not typical stuff, and my brother has a horrible relationship with her too.
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  • No, I don't think it's overidealized. I think those who have wonderful relationships want to replicate that with their own daughters, and those who may have had rocky relationships want the chance at something better.

    My mom and I have a wonderful relationship. There is nothing in the world like a mother's love, comfort, and support. I would never talk to my dad about the things I talk to my mom about. I can't wait to have that bond with my daughter.

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  • I love both of my parents but I would say that I am closer with my mom. She and I are very close and I hope to have that with a daughter someday.
  • I was a total daddy's girl.  In certain ways, I still am.  I think that's normal.  However, my mom is my best friend.  I can talk to her about anything.  Although I love both my parents, our relationships are different, and I like that.  I need my mom to be my friend and my father to still spoil me here and there (like when he changes my oil for me).  I hope our little girl has the same kind of relationship with myself and my DH.




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  • Yes, i think it is overidealized.
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  • image rssnlvr:

    No, I don't think it's overidealized. I think those who have wonderful relationships want to replicate that with their own daughters, and those who may have had rocky relationships want the chance at something better.

    My mom and I have a wonderful relationship. There is nothing in the world like a mother's love, comfort, and support. I would never talk to my dad about the things I talk to my mom about. I can't wait to have that bond with my daughter.

    I get what you're saying. But who's to say you and DD will get along the same way you and your Mom did. You are talking about different people.

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  • My mom is impossible to deal with and has serious jealousy issues.  It's really put a strain on a fairly non-existant relationship.  I'm still dreading telling her I'm pregnant. 

    I'd be perfectly happy with a house full of boys.

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  • It depends on how you are raised, and each relationship is unique. I don't think it matters whether it's a boy or a girl. My mother and I are best friends, and I'm excited to have the same sort of relationship with my daughter. I believe we will.
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  • I am and have always been a big mama's girl. I don't speak to my Bio father. And even if he was the last person on this earth I wouldn't say one word to him. My mom is my best friend. We do everything together and now that i have been married and have a daughter of my own I would love to have just a little bit of that relationship that I have with my mother. I want DD to be a daddy's girl too though. I never got to see what it was like to have a father/daughter relationship though. My mom is my anchor and I love her for always being there. She did a great job of raising me as a single mother IMO. That being said no I don't want to have DD being raised by a single parent so I work really hard at my marriage.
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  • image heather_09_15_07:
    image rssnlvr:

    No, I don't think it's overidealized. I think those who have wonderful relationships want to replicate that with their own daughters, and those who may have had rocky relationships want the chance at something better.

    My mom and I have a wonderful relationship. There is nothing in the world like a mother's love, comfort, and support. I would never talk to my dad about the things I talk to my mom about. I can't wait to have that bond with my daughter.

    I get what you're saying. But who's to say you and DD will get along the same way you and your Mom did. You are talking about different people.

    Sure. But the same can be said of any parent-child relationship. Daddy's girls will not always be close with their sons, either. But my point was, in answering the original question, no, in my experience, the mother/daughter relationship is not overidealized. In my experience, it has been an amazing relationship, and of course I'm going to project those same feelings onto my own daughter.

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  • My daughter is a daddy's girl, but sometimes she is a mommy's girl.  I wouldn't trade her for the world (I may change my mind when she is 16 though).
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  • I have a 15 month old boy and another boy on the way.  I feel blessed to not have to deal with a teenaged daughter.  But I had a terrible relationship w/ my mom so I guess I'm off the hook w/ my fears about reliving it.  I love love love love love having a boy and I am so happy to be having another one.  I can't imagine being UNhappy with whatever gender my kids were, though.  I'm sure if I was having a girl I'd be ecstatic about that too.  As I told my husband "boys love their mamas!".  And it's true. 
  • P.S. I'm much better suited to playing in dirt than having princess parties, so I'm also happy to be off the hook for that stuff.  haha.
  • My mom and I have a great relationship, she is really a confidant, was my Matron of Honor, etc. I also have a great relationship with my dad, though. I really want to be close with my DD without crossing into buddy buddy territory. It's a fine line, but my mom did it and I think I can too.
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  • I don't think it is, necessarily. Women relate more easily to girls. Even if you have a classic mama's boy, when it comes to the big issues (puberty, dating, sex, etc), they'll more than likely be talking to their father, and not their mother. That's not to say their contributions don't help mold their sons', they surely do! However, some feel left out when it comes to the big issues later on. Even relating to how boys interact with their friends can prove trying.

    Not to mention the fact some women relive their childhood/teenage years through their daughters. Not necessarily in a bad way, like pushing their dreams onto their children, but in that.. They remember their experiences, and when they see their child faced with them, they want to make sure the child handles it well if they themselves did not. Women want to nurture, give wisdom, and all of that. It's far easier to do so when you've been through the situations, and often time with boys they haven't.

    And when they get older, and it comes time for relationships, girls look to their mothers whether they realize it or not. It may be that they want to be in a loving marriage like their mother, or that they saw what NOT to do and don't want a bad relationship like their mother. But either way, they relate more easily.

    Personally, I initially wanted a boy. After going over genetically inherited health risks with my doctor, I had hoped for a girl. And up until last month, the hope for a girl was strong! But honestly.. if I ever do have a girl, and she's anything but a tomboy, I will never relate LOL. I wasn't a princess, barbie, frilly, dress-wearing girl. I never will be. I was the girl that gave her sister's barbies mohawks, and played drums and guitar, trying my damnedest to be in my brother's band haha.

    Even though my father wasn't around, I've always bonded better with men. Growing up, all of my friends were boys. I was never interested in gossiping, hair, make up, or any of the usual girly things. I had a few friends that were girls, but only the ones considered to not "fit in," as around here, if you're an intelligent woman that doesn't play ditzy to make the man feel dominant, you weren't normal. So, I could never relate to those things. However, I am my mother. And I respect her for all of her good qualities. And when the time comes when I need advice, I always go to her. We were never close, hell my family isn't even a hugging family. But, I've always felt that if I needed guidance, she was the one to provide it.

     

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