Babies: 6 - 9 Months

Appropriate to Post this Question on Loss Board??

I'd really like to ask the ladies on the loss board how I can best handle the following situation, but I don't want to accidently upset them during this difficult time.

I'm trying to figure out how to best reach out to a couple at our church.  They lost their son after an emergency C-section at 32 weeks and I was about 18 weeks pregnant at the time.  When I was still pregnant we were able to chat with them occasionally, but now it's just really uncomfortable for us.  DH went to church a few weeks ago by himself and the husband was there by himself.  He admitted to DH that his wife had miscarried early that week.  Ever since then, they barely acknowledge DD & me when we're there and I realize how difficult it must be for them to see us each week.  I really want to reach out and offer some support, but I just don't know how to best approach them.  Is there anything that I can do or do I need to just try to fade into the background and give them time to grieve and let them approach me when they're ready?

Do any of you have any suggestions about the situation?  For those of you that have had a loss previously, would it be alright to ask the loss board for some assistance in best supporting the other couple?  Thanks for your help and I sincerely hope that I haven't hurt or offended anyone.

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Re: Appropriate to Post this Question on Loss Board??

  • I've never had a loss myself, but I was in a situation similar to you.  When I was pregnant with Sydney, a friend of ours was due the day before.  We had our 20w ultrasounds the same day, and she found out that day that they had lost their son.  I just sent her a small gift and a card to let her know that I was there for her, but completely understood if she wanted distance/time. 

     She sent a gift after DD was born, but they still haven't seen her.  Everyone handles it differently, but good luck!

  • Why don't you keep your question here? Other women can answer this question too. I don't think you need to post this on the loss board, but I could be wrong..

    My opinion for your question is I think it'd be nice to let them know you guys are there for support, but if they are still having a hard time just be understanding, you know?

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  • I would give them their space. They will reach out to you when they are ready. 

    DD#1 is 3! And LO#2 is on his/her way! Due Feb 26th, 2014.

     

    BFP#1: EDD 5/7/2010 born on 5/20/2010. A little girl named Emily.  

    BFP#2: m/c 10/29/2012 EDD was 6/21/2012 Baby Hope was 6 weeks 3 days. 

    BFP#3: Twin B stopped growing at 8 weeks and 5 days. Found on 8/10/2014. EDD was 2/26/2014. Twin A is still doing great and due date is 2/26/14. 

     

  • image KelsoXOXO:

    Why don't you keep your question here? Other women can answer this question too. I don't think you need to post this on the loss board, but I could be wrong..

    My opinion for your question is I think it'd be nice to let them know you guys are there for support, but if they are still having a hard time just be understanding, you know?

    Yeah, I figured I'd see what kind of feedback I got from ladies here since I know that there are a few that have survived a loss themselves.  I figured I'd let this float out here for a few days and see what kind of responses I get, to both the situation itself and in regards to possible XP.

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  • image BBunnyFan1:
    image KelsoXOXO:

    Why don't you keep your question here? Other women can answer this question too. I don't think you need to post this on the loss board, but I could be wrong..

    My opinion for your question is I think it'd be nice to let them know you guys are there for support, but if they are still having a hard time just be understanding, you know?

    Yeah, I figured I'd see what kind of feedback I got from ladies here since I know that there are a few that have survived a loss themselves.  I figured I'd let this float out here for a few days and see what kind of responses I get, to both the situation itself and in regards to possible XP.

    Good idea. Wink
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  • I asked a question on the loss board. I was new to the bump and in my first tri. My cousin got pregnant at about the same time as me and we were both not making the news public yet BUT then our mothers (who are sisters) shared for us. Anyway, she lost her baby during 1st tri after us sharing so much and I felt so terrible about it and posted on the loss board because I don't know anyone in real life who had suffered a loss like that and I felt bad and wanted to get some ideas of what was appropriate/helpful or not, especially being pregnant at the same time and all. Anyway, while most of the ladies were nice there, they made it clear that I guess they get lots of people coming there for advice for dealing with others who have suffered a loss and they really would prefer not to have those kinds of posts. Maybe I was insensitive and should have realized it, but I didn't, so I wanted to point that out to you. Not saying you won't get some helpful responses or suggesting the ladies there were rude but just that I think they don't prefer getting these sorts of posts.

    But also - it is nice of you to be sensitive and want to reach out and everything; I have no real advice for this situation, just wanted to share my experience with the XP.

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  • image cookieinva:

    But also - it is nice of you to be sensitive and want to reach out and everything; I have no real advice for this situation, just wanted to share my experience with the XP.

    Thanks for the input on the XP.  That was kind of what I was trying to figure out.  While TB is completely public, I figured if there was any board that would want privacy, it would be that one and I didn't want to be insensitive to their situation.

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  • image emilysmommy2010:
    I would give them their space. They will reach out to you when they are ready. 

    See, I disagree. Sometimes people feel funny about reaching out to others. I think if you send a note that just says you are there for them if they ever need anything, that would be a really nice gesture.

  • I would keep this post here and not go to the loss board.  I lost one myself early on. and my brother lost his twins after other previous early loss. They were 5 month old and she had given birth and died within an hour.  He has not spoken to me since I let him know when I was 7 weeks preg.  Everyone deals with it diff. And I cant say i understand any of them.  I have another friend who know i had a loss just tell me yesterday shes finally preg and the reason she didnt make it to my shower is she had a misscarge the day before :(  this was a year ago.  I wish you the best of luck and I know where your at.  If anything maybe send a letter to her that you were thinking of her.  GL
  • image MrsMommyQ:

    image emilysmommy2010:
    I would give them their space. They will reach out to you when they are ready. 

    See, I disagree. Sometimes people feel funny about reaching out to others. I think if you send a note that just says you are there for them if they ever need anything, that would be a really nice gesture.

     

    I would do this (I had a very early M/C, if that helps) and then just leave the ball in their court. I don't think I could do nothing because I would never want to feel responsible for the distance in our friendship-although I would totally understand if my friend needed distance.

    Hopefully that makes sense :) 

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  • image MrsMommyQ:

    image emilysmommy2010:
    I would give them their space. They will reach out to you when they are ready. 

    See, I disagree. Sometimes people feel funny about reaching out to others. I think if you send a note that just says you are there for them if they ever need anything, that would be a really nice gesture.

     

    I would do this (I had a very early M/C, if that helps) and then just leave the ball in their court. I don't think I could do nothing because I would never want to feel responsible for the distance in our friendship-although I would totally understand if my friend needed distance.

    Hopefully that makes sense :) 

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  • I have had three losses myself and I would suggest that you send them a card with a nice note in it. With each of my losses, I did not want to talk about them face to face, but a card with a note letting me know that someone cared and was there for me when I was ready would have been meant a lot to me.

    As far as posting it on the loss board, some ladies may be fine with making suggestions for you while others may not. If you posted this question on the loss board, I would have answered your question there as well, so I am sure that some ladies wouldn't mind at all and would even appreciate your concern for your friend. So, if you don't get enough suggestions on this board, I'd also post it on the loss board if I were you.

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  • image MrsMommyQ:

    image emilysmommy2010:
    I would give them their space. They will reach out to you when they are ready. 

    See, I disagree. Sometimes people feel funny about reaching out to others. I think if you send a note that just says you are there for them if they ever need anything, that would be a really nice gesture.

    I have not suffered a loss but I agree with this... sending them a note lets them know you are thinking of them and there for them but doesn't pressure them into a face to face situation.
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