Parenting

SAHM question for you

does you husband ever make you feel bad about not working.

We had a huge fight this morning because dh was cranky because he stayed up till 12:00 to help soothe ds (we are trying to drop a night feeding--- he stays up late anyway and I can count on my hand the number of times I've asked for help from 7 pm to 7 am with the kids-- I nurse so I don't mind getting up)

Well that pushed my buttons I couldn't let it go that I get up in the night and am the first one up during the day and he is complaining and he got over 7 1/2 hours of sleep  (more than I've had in a row in 6 months)

he eventually said that I asked ofr it and it was my job because I was home and if I wasn't taking care of the night feedings and morning routine what was the poibnt of me taking a year off?

I hate that he always throws it in my face when he's mad

(I know he sounds like a real jerk... but we do have a good marriage and he is a good dad and husband I just hate like I feel he holds it over my head... like I should write a rent check

 

 

Re: SAHM question for you

  • sounds like he's tired, cranky & frustrated & said things he really didnt mean.  Once both of you cool down have a serious sit down talk. 

    DH & I had a hard time working out something that would work for both of us.  This is what we did....dh is normally a nite owl so I would go to bed at 7pm.  DH would give M her 10pm bottle & put her to bed.  I would then get up in the middle of the night usually it was just once around 2-3am and I would get up with her around 6am.  That way we both get a good chunk of time for sleep.

    Its just a matter of finding a good compromise that will work for both of you.

    (((((HUGS)))))

    Josh-10/1/87, Brittany 3/9/91, Mandi 7/26/92, Michelle 9/11/06 image I'M GRAPE JELLY- ALWAYS AROUND & ALWAYS THE SAME If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me. For I must be traveling on now. Because there are too many places I've got to see. -Allen Collins & Ronnie VanZant My favorite verse!
  • The sad part is I have no problem doing every night feeding. I juts think now that he's on solids and had been going 7-8 hours between night feedings we have to stop the eating every 3-4 that he started 1 month ago. I thought if dh tried to soothe him at the 11 or 12 wake up he might take a binky but when he see me he sees food and wants to eat

    I guess I don't feel appreciated for how little I sleep because I do get up all night and have to function all day (we have a 4 yr old who doesn't nap) . I just want to hear  a "thank you for getting up for all these months.. It is hard to do and I only did one night" Is that too much to ask?

  • No, generally my H doesn't make me feel bad about not working.  I made a lot of money as an attorney before we decided for me to SAH and sometimes I feel (not that he makes me feel) bad... or anxious... or something like that because there are a lot of sacrifices we make and there are things we wish we could do or have that we don't because we have only one income right now... but it is worth it for me to be home with our LOs.

    First of all *try* (though it is tough) never to take to heart comments made under duress of lack of sleep.  It sounds like he is lashing out.  

    One day when things are going well, I would have a heart to heart with your H.  If you both feel that having you home is important FOR YOUR CHILDREN right now, he can't use that as a weapon against you like that.  The point of a year off is not so you could operate on 3 hours of sleep a night for an entire year and take care of any crappy family job in the house.  The job is caring for your children when H is at work.  When you are both home (IMO) you jointly share responsibility for your children & family stuff.  When you shoulder a tough load (like a majority of wakings) a "thank-you" is definitely in order.

    We split night wakings in our house.  I ebf and DH gets LO and brings him to me.  Lately, LO has had wakeful spells at night that we split (TBH, DH often gets the short end of that stick and ends up up more than me, although there have been plenty of times in the past when I took the lions-share).  Sleep deprivation sucks for everyone.  Working at an office after a night without sleep sucks AND so does staying home with a demanding infant and toddler.  I am lucky DH gets that... I leave him home with both of them occasionally so he is reminded of how challenging it can be ;)  Sometimes only Mommy will do, and I have my share of doing way more than DH with the family, which is okay, but generally, we try to balance the work around the house even though he excapes-I mean goes to work- during the week and for now pays all of the bills.  It would be totally ridiculous (IMO) for a H to assume his "job" is 9-5 M-F, but his SAH wife's "job" is 24/7 Sun-Sat, I don't think that is healthy or sustainable.

    Hope you guys work something out that works for your family and helps you feel valued and good about what you are doing for your children.  It is a sacrifice to bow out of the workforce and especially challenging in this two income society we have today.  The last thing we need (as spouses) is to make it tougher by turning on each other.   (hugs)

    Fortunate to be a SAHM to my 3 musketeers (5/2006, 5/2010 & 12/2011). Soy & dairy free for the 3rd and final time. Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers image image
  • We've been there.  My DH travels for work and often complains about not being home and having to travel, meanwhile I'm thinking I would kill for a night of solitude in a hotel room...

    I did only make my DH take the night shift for a couple nights when we weaned DS.  I understand that we work hard at home!  I do.  But, I can see his point that he shouldn't be on the night shift because he has to be at work all day.  Our little ones can't fire us or pass us over for a promotion because we're sleepy at work, but our DH's don't have that freedom.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • image Bride2b2004:

    No, generally my H doesn't make me feel bad about not working.  I made a lot of money as an attorney before we decided for me to SAH and sometimes I feel (not that he makes me feel) bad... or anxious... or something like that because there are a lot of sacrifices we make and there are things we wish we could do or have that we don't because we have only one income right now... but it is worth it for me to be home with our LOs.

    First of all *try* (though it is tough) never to take to heart comments made under duress of lack of sleep.  It sounds like he is lashing out.  

    One day when things are going well, I would have a heart to heart with your H.  If you both feel that having you home is important FOR YOUR CHILDREN right now, he can't use that as a weapon against you like that.  The point of a year off is not so you could operate on 3 hours of sleep a night for an entire year and take care of any crappy family job in the house.  The job is caring for your children when H is at work.  When you are both home (IMO) you jointly share responsibility for your children & family stuff.  When you shoulder a tough load (like a majority of wakings) a "thank-you" is definitely in order.

    We split night wakings in our house.  I ebf and DH gets LO and brings him to me.  Lately, LO has had wakeful spells at night that we split (TBH, DH often gets the short end of that stick and ends up up more than me, although there have been plenty of times in the past when I took the lions-share).  Sleep deprivation sucks for everyone.  Working at an office after a night without sleep sucks AND so does staying home with a demanding infant and toddler.  I am lucky DH gets that... I leave him home with both of them occasionally so he is reminded of how challenging it can be ;)  Sometimes only Mommy will do, and I have my share of doing way more than DH with the family, which is okay, but generally, we try to balance the work around the house even though he excapes-I mean goes to work- during the week and for now pays all of the bills.  It would be totally ridiculous (IMO) for a H to assume his "job" is 9-5 M-F, but his SAH wife's "job" is 24/7 Sun-Sat, I don't think that is healthy or sustainable.

    Hope you guys work something out that works for your family and helps you feel valued and good about what you are doing for your children.  It is a sacrifice to bow out of the workforce and especially challenging in this two income society we have today.  The last thing we need (as spouses) is to make it tougher by turning on each other.   (hugs)

    All of this.  Except that I didn't make a lot of money as an attorney.  I was a legal aid attorney.  :)

    We had this discussion a while back, and it got pretty heated.  I was surprised at the number of people who thought the SAH parent should have the responsibility to do all of the night wakings.  And it made me feel lucky that DH understands I need sleep, too.  In the beginning, DH would change the diaper, then bring the baby to me to eat.  Once they stopped needing diaper changes, most of it would fall on me just because I was breastfeeding.  But on a really rough night, I did not feel guilty about calling on DH to take a shift with a wakeful baby.

    image
  • I totally agree that he needs sleep to work which is why I don't ask often for help. I only asked this time because he normally is up till 11 or 12 anyway.
  • This has been the fight I've had for the past 7 years, even though I have finished grad school in the meantime and worked part time for the last 5 years (since son 2 was 4 months old).  His definition of "work" is that you get paid. 

     

    Just say, when you are both calm, that you understand that he needs a good night's sleep to leave for work, and say that you are so thankful that he's willing to be a partner in this.  This stage won't last forever.

     

     

  • I am not a SAHM, let me preface this by saying that.  But, no, no, and no.  That is so unacceptable.  Just because he works out of the house and you work in the house does not mean that he gets free reign to act this way.

    Being a SAHM does not make you a doormat just because he's physically earning a paycheck.  And if he's holding that over your head, then I'm sorry.  You don't have a good marriage.  

    And the whole, "he needs his sleep" argument?  Please.  He doesn't need it anymore than you do.  

    Kill all my demons and my angels might die too. -Tennessee Williams

    image
    You take my ovaries, I take your yarns.
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