Single Parents

One step forward and two steps back...

That's how I've felt the past week. I'm going to try to keep this short...

J started texting me and telling me that he wanted us to start hanging out b/c "Tatum will be here soon" I wanted to text him back and say are you kidding? I had no clue!!! But, I didn't. I was going to stand firm and not hang out with him. Well, we went to church last night and then went to dinner after and had a long talk about things.

He wants to be the one I call when I go in labor. He wants to be in the room with me. He wants to help out as much as he can after she's born. But...I had emailed him last week and told him that I just wanted to prepare him that I wouldn't be giving her his last name b/c he's been absent the last 3 months of this pregnancy and there is no way I will just let him have that right. His response to that "How do I know she's my child then, if she has SOMEONE ELSE'S last name (she will take my last name)." I was floored. He said...she's obviously yours b/c you have carried her the last 9 months and he isn't tied to her any other way. So would I please just let her have his last name. I told him that it wasn't up for discussion. He apologized for a lot and told me that he's going to go see someone for his issues and hopes he can get on medication b/c he's tired of the way he is and wants to get help. He said all the right things to me last night. But, in the back of my head...I just kept thinking of all the girls I am sure he's been hooking up with or just partying with. I don't know if he even has...just assuming. For those that dont know...I'm 31 and he's 30. So, were not young and this isn't some crazy drama bs. It's just he's freaked out totally since I got pregnant and can't get his crap together!

This morning he text me and asked how I slept. Then text me later in the day and asked how I was feeling. He's just all of a sudden so interested. I just got a call from him about 20 min ago and he had been at the Mavs game and was drunk. I don't know why, but it REALLY bothered me. I didn't even want to be on the phone. So, we ended things shortly.

Alright, I'll get to the point. How do you start trusting someone that has hurt you so much? How much do I allow him to be involved in the delivery? I don't want to be a push over but at the same time want to respect that he's trying to change.

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Re: One step forward and two steps back...

  • Why would he call you drunk? What an idiot.

    Anyway, definitely give LO your last name. It will be so much easier to change it to his in the future if things go well and you change your mind. I gave DD her dad's last name and I regret it sooo much. I can't change it to mine without his permission, and of course he won't approve it.

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  • image AshleyMichelle06:

    Why would he call you drunk? What an idiot.

    Anyway, definitely give LO your last name. It will be so much easier to change it to his in the future if things go well and you change your mind. I gave DD her dad's last name and I regret it sooo much. I can't change it to mine without his permission, and of course he won't approve it.

    This part bothers me sooo VERY much! Sometimes I hate this part of the law. You are her mother, and primary parent (physical and monetarily). Why should you have to have "permission" to change your daughters last name. I understand these laws are put into place for situations, but in your case I feel like you should be able to change it. Ugh!

  • You DON'T trust him again. My Ex was the same way. I don't believe he ever cheated, but the drinking, drugs, partying, putting his friends and fun before his family...That stuff never changes.

    Move on with your daughter and don't look back.

    Tell him he's welcome to a paternity test (and you'll compell one if he refuses to pay CS) if he doesn't believe the baby is his.

    As for the delivery...I wouldn't want him there. You're only going to want support and positive energy. And I wouldn't want someone I'm not currently involved with seeing my junk.

    Stay strong! I also wish my daughter had my last name. And I wish I had the power to change her last name to any future married name I might take.

  • You don't HAVE to do anything.  You don't have to begin trusting him again, and quite frankly, I wouldn't.  Change will be proven in time.  If there's one thing I have learned about these guys, it's that they are not patient.  Not in the least.  Maybe if you make him EARN his way back in, he will reveal his true colors.  If he really is committed to making a change, he will do it, regardless of your actions. 
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  • What makes you think he is trying to change?  Just because you went to church w/ him last night and he texted you twice today?  He also called you drunk today.  Please see the writing on the wall and realize that this in a fake and completely LAME attempt at trying to gain your trust.  The last few months should show you who he really is, not the last 24 hours.
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  • DB wasn't involved in my pregnancy and I had these same decisions to make not that long ago. I talked to people who had their father's last names, but their parents weren't together. To be fair I talked to friends and family that had positive and negative experiences with their bio dads. Almost every single one of them said they wished that had their moms last name. I talked to several moms (and PPs have said already) that they wished they had given their children their last name. This is just my finding, but I recommend you do the same if you are unsure and ask those who have been their done that. You will be the one enrolling your LO in school, taking them to doctors visits, and all those things. Like someone else said you can always change it if things end up working out. As far as being present in labor and delivery, DB gave me a guilt trip with that, but I ultimately decided against him being in the room and called him after our daughter was born. It's a personal decision, but remember that you need to feel comfortable, you don't need to be stressed, and if you don't want him around exposed ladyparts then you need to think about this.
  • Just as PP's said, you don't HAVE to do anything. My situation is similar to yours where my ex and I were not together through my pregnancy and still aren't. I gave DS my last name and am so happy I did. And as for him "trying to change", give it some time and see...I thought my ex would also but always in the back of my mind I knew he wouldn't, and he didn't. He came around alot in the first 3 weeks then I guess the novelty of having a child to care for wore off-he ditched visits with DS more than once to party with his friends and came crawling back the next day saying he was sorry. I finally got fed up and am now speaking with a lawyer.

    A leopard doesn't change it's spots. As Achase pointed out, make him EARN your trust, don't just give it because he promises to change and hasn't done anything to prove it just yet.

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