2nd Trimester

Husband bummed...

Yesterday we had our 20 week anatomy scan and while I didn't want to find out the gender, my husband did.  So we had the tech tell him but not me.  Well that drove me crazy and by late afternoon, I had him tell me.  He said he told the tech he thought it was a girl and she said that he was right.  Problem is he really really wanted a boy. I am happy with a girl, but I was also hoping for a boy too, mostly because I knew he really wanted one.

Now I feel guilty because I was a little sad it was a girl. Also, he seems really bummed about it. I know that when she arrives, he will change his mind and fall absolutely in love with her. But in the meantime I can't think of anything to say to him to make him feel better.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this either because we promised that if we found out, we would keep the gender a secret from the rest of our family and just have it something between the two of us! 

 Any suggestions on how to handle this?  Did your DH have the same feelings and how long did it take to get over?

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Re: Husband bummed...

  • When we found out DS was a boy I was a little sad and we even were hoping for a boy! The way I see it, either way you lose the hope of having either one. If they had told me DS was a girl I probably would have still been disappointed that it wasnt a boy. I have to say though that I wouldnt have it any other way though, him being a boy and if he was a girl I would feel the same way :)

    In the end I really don't think it matters and your husband will get excited about his baby girl. I bet she will even be a daddy's girl!

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  • That's a hard situation to be in. Maybe when it settles in a little more, you guys could go get her a little sports team shirt or something? The teams tend to have cute girlish stuff too. DH loved how cute our DD looked in her pink Phillies hat and shirt.
  • I think he probably just needs a little bit of time to absorb it. My DH and I were both pulling for a boy as well, and I admitted to him that I would feel sad if it were a girl...which I felt AWFUL about, but when you have certain "plan" in your head its ok to feel like your bubble burst when it doesn't turn out the way you hoped for. 

    I don't think there is much you can say to him, but I think just give it a little time and you will see that he starts to fall in love with the idea of having a little princess :) 

  • He will get over it.  My DH was hoping for a boy as well.  He wasn't bummed, but kind of shocked when we found out it was a girl. 

    Now he's madly in love with our future daughter.  It's really adorable!!  Don't worry. 

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  • WOW!  How about just being happy that it's a healthy baby!  Reading this infuriates me after TTC and all the other women TTC/TTCAL out there who would do anything for a healthy precious little baby.  You sound incredibly ingrateful for the most beautiful gift that God will ever grant you. 
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  • I had the same exact experience with my DH.  We were convinced that it was a boy and he was pretty bummed out when we found out it's a girl.  I tried talking to him about it and he pretty much told me to leave him alone for a bit and that he needed time to deal with it in his own way.  He has definitely gotten better about it now and he's really excited... it just took some time to get over the initial shock. 
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  • DH and I were certain that our LO was a boy...I guess she surprised both of us Smile

     At first DH was disappointed but now that I am farther along and we are starting to discuss names (we found one we both like) and nursery themes, he is really happy. And I am sure our little girl will have him wrapper around her little finger.

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  • Hopefully he will get over himself and be delighted with his healthy child. There are plenty of deserving fathers out there who aren't so lucky, and would be thrilled to be expecting a healthy little girl.

  • image Hopeful11:
    WOW!  How about just being happy that it's a healthy baby!  Reading this infuriates me after TTC and all the other women TTC/TTCAL out there who would do anything for a healthy precious little baby.  Seriously, I would really consider removing this post if I were you.  You sound incredibly ingrateful for the most beautiful gift that God will ever grant you. 

    Really no need for that... it wasn't an ungrateful post at all. I guarantee you that your pregnancy hasn't been all sunshine and beanie babies and that you have hit an emotional speed bump along the way. Stop trying to make others feel bad just to make yourself feel better. 

  • image Hopeful11:
    WOW!  How about just being happy that it's a healthy baby!  Reading this infuriates me after TTC and all the other women TTC/TTCAL out there who would do anything for a healthy precious little baby.  You sound incredibly ingrateful for the most beautiful gift that God will ever grant you. 

    You should probably just gofuckourself you ignorant little harpie.

     

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  • i think you can give your husband a day or two to 'get over it' and absorb having a girl.. like others have said, i bet he will soon fall in love with the idea.. that being said, i hope you are also putting this into perspective..  i can't help but assume people who have 'gender disappointment' haven't had a rough pregnancy thus far or experienced a loss in the past.. i can honestly say after certain tests came back indicating questionable health of our baby, even my slightest preference for girl/boy went completely out the window and i just prayed for a healthy baby (which thank God it looks like we are having).  If your husband doesn't get over this quickly, i would be sure to remind him of this..
  • image samfish2bcrab:

    image Hopeful11:
    WOW!  How about just being happy that it's a healthy baby!  Reading this infuriates me after TTC and all the other women TTC/TTCAL out there who would do anything for a healthy precious little baby.  You sound incredibly ingrateful for the most beautiful gift that God will ever grant you. 

    You should probably just gofuckourself you ignorant little harpie.

     

    This exactly.

  • image my4pups:

    image Hopeful11:
    WOW!  How about just being happy that it's a healthy baby!  Reading this infuriates me after TTC and all the other women TTC/TTCAL out there who would do anything for a healthy precious little baby.  Seriously, I would really consider removing this post if I were you.  You sound incredibly ingrateful for the most beautiful gift that God will ever grant you. 

    Really no need for that... it wasn't an ungrateful post at all. I guarantee you that your pregnancy hasn't been all sunshine and beanie babies and that you have hit an emotional speed bump along the way. Stop trying to make others feel bad just to make yourself feel better. 

    I completely agree

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  • For all the posters telling the original poster to "get over it" and be happy for a healthy baby and assuming she has never had any difficulties in her pregnancy or experienced a loss in the past, quit it, you're diminishing something that bothers her that she came here looking for advice on.

    To the original poster.....when I was pregnant with my first aside from wanting a healthy baby because we all know that deep down that's what everyone truly wants I really wanted to have a boy too.  I had always pictured myself having what people around me have called "The Rich Man's Family" two kids: a little boy with a younger sister.  The moment I found out I was pregnant I thought it was a girl and I was so looking forward to seeing dh interact with our daughter! Throughout my pregnancy I got a lot of comments about how the men in dh's family don't "make" baby girls and how I was definitely having a boy and looked liked I was having a boy blah, blah, blah. We did not find out what we were having until delivery and after a very traumatic emergency c-section I woke up from my anesthesia to my husband crying by my bedside telling me we had a little girl.  He as well thought all along we were having a girl although we openly admit to anyone that when we pictured and talked about our future family we had said we always wanted a boy first.

    I'm sure the shock factor will wear off in a bit and like everyone says your husband will be over the moon in love with his little girl.  Google Gender Disappointment......despite what some might say or argue it is real and not something one can control.  I think I read somewhere someone say that "it doesn't matter what your plans were for your family because it can all change and you learn to love what you have and in the end can't imagine life any other way" (or something along those lines).  I also read about this on Google because in the beginning of this pregnancy I not my husband was hoping for a boy......now I kind of think it'd be neat for my daughter to have a little sister, in all honesty it doesn't matter.  Please don't let anyone dismiss your or your husbands feelings on this subject!

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  • image ambrandau2:

    Hopefully he will get over himself and be delighted with his healthy child. There are plenty of deserving fathers out there who aren't so lucky, and would be thrilled to be expecting a healthy little girl.

    That.

    Husband has cystic fibrosis. I'm a carrier. We did TESE, IVF, ICSI, and PGD. After two failed IVFs, we were blessed with our twins.

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  • I see nothing wrong with allowing yourself and your husband some time to feel a little disappointed.  Just try to remind yourself that you have a healthy baby coming into this world shortly that you can cuddle and kiss and care for and LOVE. 

    Maybe try to get DH involved in some baby shopping to distract him?  Have him come with you to pick out some stuff? Once he sees how special his little girl is, I bet he forgets how he felt!

  • image miesl:
    image ambrandau2:

    Hopefully he will get over himself and be delighted with his healthy child. There are plenty of deserving fathers out there who aren't so lucky, and would be thrilled to be expecting a healthy little girl.

    That.

     

    I hate these comments.  Of course they are happy for a heathly child.  Of course they are greatful.  They are just disappointed and bummed.  That's a normal feeling.

    Although I was happy to find out our baby is a boy (and we wanted a boy), I was a little bummed to know that I wasn't having a girl.  Either way, I think I would have felt this--and I think it's totally normal. 

  • image Adog1178:
    image miesl:
    image ambrandau2:

    Hopefully he will get over himself and be delighted with his healthy child. There are plenty of deserving fathers out there who aren't so lucky, and would be thrilled to be expecting a healthy little girl.

    That.

     

    I hate these comments.  Of course they are happy for a heathly child.  Of course they are greatful.  They are just disappointed and bummed.  That's a normal feeling.

    Although I was happy to find out our baby is a boy (and we wanted a boy), I was a little bummed to know that I wasn't having a girl.  Either way, I think I would have felt this--and I think it's totally normal. 

    You post on this site, you are going to get a variety of opinions. I don't think my reply was mean just because I don't see where the OP's husband is coming from, nor do I in any way see being "bummed" when your child is healthy. Surprised, maybe a little shocked? Sure. Disappointed and bummed? Can't get there, sorry.

    You are entitled to think otherwise. She asked, she's going to get honest answers. This was mine.

  • It really is a common, normal reaction. From both parents. The indignation accomplishes nothing.

    It's also almost always temporary, however, so not something to be worried about. Especially not this soon. So I'm not sure 'handling it' is necessary, at least not in terms of actively working to change his mind. That can create unnecessary stress on both of you.

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  • My husband and I both thought that this little one was going to be a boy but truthfully, when looking at the ultrasound and having the tech point out that it's a little girl, we both started smiling.  It was just sooo cool seeing LO on the screen that that kind of took away any disappointment about the gender. 

    Then later, hubs called and told his dad (who has been saying all along that it's a girl) and his grandpa and both of them told him that it is just so special to have a daughter.  Pretty cool.

    Now, just a couple nights ago we were out driving home from being out and he goes "ya know, I'm actually pretty excited to have a girl!  But the next one should really be a boy...I'm going to need help protecting her..."  haha : ) 

    I'm sure that you and him both just need to get used to the idea.  Looking at the ultrasound pictures, picking a name, starting her nursery, doing all those things may help wrap your head around having a little girl!  It'll be fun!!!

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  • image Five_letter:
    image my4pups:

    image Hopeful11:
    WOW!  How about just being happy that it's a healthy baby!  Reading this infuriates me after TTC and all the other women TTC/TTCAL out there who would do anything for a healthy precious little baby.  Seriously, I would really consider removing this post if I were you.  You sound incredibly ingrateful for the most beautiful gift that God will ever grant you. 

    Really no need for that... it wasn't an ungrateful post at all. I guarantee you that your pregnancy hasn't been all sunshine and beanie babies and that you have hit an emotional speed bump along the way. Stop trying to make others feel bad just to make yourself feel better. 

    I completely agree

    Me too.  Oh, and how do you know we never had T-TTC??  I certainly did.  I even had emergency surgery to remove a tube.  But I'm not going to discredit other girl's questions or feelings about things b/c of it. 

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  • We're on our third baby girl, so I TOTALLY know how you and H are feeling. It's completely normal to have a preference and be a little bummed when when don't get what you hoped you would.

    Does it mean you don't want your healthy baby girl? Of course not! You will love her just as much as you would a son. And when she's here, you won't be able to imagine your life any other way. You'll look back and say "what was I thinking -- girls are so awesome!"

    Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. It's OK to be a little bummed. In a few weeks you will both be excited when you start going over names, and your H talks about putting her in a convent @ 16, and how she can never date because he knows how guys are. Just give him a little time to get used to the idea of something new.

    Really, I think that guys perfer boys because they are scared of raising girls -- they would never admit it, but I really think that is it. They don't know what to do with their parts, they aren't so good about feelings and emotions, and they know that they will love those little women with all of their heart and that one day some guy (much like themselves) will hurt her and there is nothing they can do about it. It's probably just REALLY scary for him. But he'll be OK!

    I have to say, even though we both really wanted a boy this time but are still so excited to be having a healty baby girl, I am a little jealous of the relationship my H has with our girls. They both fall all over him and they have him wrapped around their little fingers. I'm sure it will be the same for you!

    Congrats & welcome to team pink! 

     

     

  • You can be mad at me all you want for posting this opinion.  We love our little girl on the way, but we were also a bit sad that it wasn't a boy due to the possibility of the family name dying out.  We aren't sure if we can/will have another child due to a health condition, and we were hoping that having a boy first would make the decision easier.  I know that girls can keep their maiden name blah, blah, blah but it's not the same.  It's just sad to see the end of a family name.  The other reason is because I am a huge tomboy and am certain to get a pricess and I'm going to have to learn to girly things.  But I'm happy with whatever way she turn out.  It's just something you have to do as a mother.  I'm happy that she's healthy and I love her already, but that doesn't stop me from feeling just a little sad, and that's my right.
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  • image samfish2bcrab:

    image Hopeful11:
    WOW!  How about just being happy that it's a healthy baby!  Reading this infuriates me after TTC and all the other women TTC/TTCAL out there who would do anything for a healthy precious little baby.  You sound incredibly ingrateful for the most beautiful gift that God will ever grant you. 

    You should probably just gofuckourself you ignorant little harpie.

     

    Oh Sam, you beat me to it. Everytime. 

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  • My DH admitted to me just last night that he was sort of bummed for the entire pregnancy when we found out that we were having a girl (with our first).  This came up because he is adamant that he does not want to find out this time, and I asked him why not.  He just wants to enjoy this pregnancy and he said, once our DD was here, it didnt matter if it was a boy or a girl, it was just instant love.  Now, of course, DD has DH wrapped around her little finger.  Those 2 are inseparable!!!  So, even though DH might be somewhat bummed, that will change in an instant once your beautiful little girl is here!
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  • Any parent in their right mind wants a healthy baby and is grateful that they are blessed to have one, so let's not even start that horse and pony show. Laying guilt on someone for having an easier time in the conception department (and who knows if it even was easy- lots of assumptions here) is uncalled for. Everyone at sometime in life gets delt a shi!tty hand, and I've had my share too both with a loss and TTC. Still, her and her husband's feelings shouldn't be discredited. It's not like they're getting an abortion now or going to sell her on the black market after birth.

    OP- My DH and I were convinced that this baby was a girl. Right down to picking out the bedding and just coming shy of hitting the 'pay' button. We were 'shocked' to say the least when the US tech said 'another boy!' It took me at least 2 weeks to come to grips with the fact that we will never have 'said girl.' It takes some time when you have your mind set on one thing and you're thrown another. It's not that I'm ungrateful to be having a healthy baby, or anything of the like. It's wrapping my head around the fact that I will never get to experience the things you do with a daughter as opposed to a son. Am I overjoyed for Ty to have a brother? Yes. Am I thrilled that it's a viable pregnancy and healthy? Yes. Am I going to love him any less? No. However, I still long for the girl that I thought he was.

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  • The musical Carousel has a great song where the main character goes through the whole mental process of how exciting a son will be to oh no what if it's a daughter to being totally attached to the idea. You can even find Hugh Jackman singing it on YouTube. The overall story is sort of grim, however, so I wouldn't automatically recommend renting the film version.
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  • I'm sure he'll get over it. But I've never understood sex disappointment. It isn't b/c I've had tttc (though I have), I've just never had a preference. But I have to think at some point he'll forget about the fact that he isn't having a son and focus on the fact that he is having a daughter.
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  • DH and I were actually both hoping for a boy... so I think we were both a little bummed at first. But my DH figures that he's going to get a daddy's girl (one of my fears) and I'm hoping to correct some egregious errors I think my mom made raising me.

    We're both on board with having a girl now, so I think it really does just take time.

  • I once read a passage in a book that really addressed this problem well. It's one of the Outlander books, btw. Anyway, the passage was something like that when you give birth to a baby having thought it was a boy or wanted a boy, and the baby is a girl, you mourn the loss of your son, and it's okay, because you still love your daughter, and soon you've forgotten the disappointment. I'm sorry you are feeling this way but it will get better as you begin to get used to the idea of having a girl. Good luck!
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