VBAC

New here! Feeling frustrated with people making me feel bad about wanting to VBAC

I'm new to this board. My story is short. I had a c-section with my son, who's my first, in December 2008 because he was "too big" and my doctors would not let me go more than 5 days past my due date and would not induce labor because they felt he was too big. I never felt a contraction and never went into labor. They would not even strip my membranes. They kept taking ultrasounds and telling me he was huge and 10+lbs and I couldn't deliver him vaginally. He was 8lbs 6 oz when born. I was never given the chance. 

But I was talking with my MIL about a week ago and mentioned I wanted to VBAC. She got all preachy and basically equated me wanting to VBAC to me putting my child in danger. She said the baby's health is all that matters, that I shouldn't push having a VBAC, that maybe it's all for the best to just get a repeat c-section ect. I didn't want to get into a big argument so I just nodded and said nothing. I felt really hurt and unsupported though.

Then one of my pregnant friends said something basically along the same lines. And made fun of me for going to an ICAN meeting. My sister, who is also pregnant (and had a c-section with her first) was saying stuff along the same lines and said she doesn't really care if she VBACs or not and that all she wants is a healthy baby.

Now why do I get the feeling that they're all insinuating that I would rather VBAC than have a healthy baby??? Why is it either having a healthy baby or VABC? Can't it be both? uhhh. And they're saying this to me, who lost twins at 15 weeks pregnant earlier this year....like I don't know how important having a healthy baby is, like I would risk my babys health in any way. I am just upset that that's how people around me are viewing the whole VBAC thing. Like it's a SELFISH need of mine and I'm not thinking of the babys health. Since when is delivering a baby through your vagina selfish???

Is it just me or are other people getting this kind of reaction from friends and family? 

Re: New here! Feeling frustrated with people making me feel bad about wanting to VBAC

  • I fortunately haven't gotten the outright 'you're selfish' thing, but I have gotten some insinuations from my mom, which bugged me big time.  Fortunately, with her, it was as easy as saying that the additional risk of a VBAC for uterine rupture (which is really the only inflated risk as a VBACer as opposed to a normal vaginal birth that I'm aware of) is less than 1%.  That  made her ok with things. 

    Mostly, I don't talk about my VBAC unless I'm aware I'm going to get a positive/supportive response, or if I really am so far from the perspective of the person I'm talking to that I know it won't bug me if they look at me and tell me I'm the crazy.  If I do get into that conversation, I generally bring up the things that I wasn't pleased about with my c/s - the fact I didn't touch DS until several hours after he was born, the fact we had issues bfing right away (partially because of that - he was in the nb sleepy phase by the time we tried), etc.  I don't get too into it generally, though.  

    There are times when some of what is said or is around does make me feel a bit selfish (I've posted about that here, too) and I generally come back with the fact that there ARE risks to a rcs.  In fact, RCS is generally said to be less statistically safe for the mom, more prone to PPD, harder to recover from (especially when you have a toddler wanting his own mama time), etc.  Those are all things that will impact our family and my children - not just me.  

    There are some great links floating around here.  Sadly, I don't have them handy, but if you look at some of the posts that discuss VBAC vs RCS or risks of repeat c/s, you will probably find them!  

    Oh - and it  has been so helpful to be around here and know that there are others in the same boat - welcome!!

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  • Ugh I'm sorry.  I haven't personally had to deal with that (my mom actually had me by VBAC).  I've had some friends and family tell me I don't have the hips for a vaginal birth, so that is pretty discouraging.  But yeah, the idea that a mother who wants a VBAC (or natural birth, or home birth, or elective primary cesarean, etc.) is selfish is a pretty common theme.  I don't understand all this judging other women for how they give birth and deciding they are selfish.  Maybe because there is so much societal pressure to be the Perfect Mother who sacrifices everything for her child?  Maybe people feel the need to validate their own choices by judging yours? Maybe because it's easier to blame other moms instead of addressing the real, systemic problems in health care that cause so many moms to have c/s in the first place?  I don't know.

    Anyway, f* them.  There is nothing selfish about VBAC. 

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  • image papagena:


    There are times when some of what is said or is around does make me feel a bit selfish (I've posted about that here, too) and I generally come back with the fact that there ARE risks to a rcs.  In fact, RCS is generally said to be less statistically safe for the mom, more prone to PPD, harder to recover from (especially when you have a toddler wanting his own mama time), etc.  Those are all things that will impact our family and my children - not just me.  

    This is an excellent point.  The thought process that VBAC is bad for the baby and RCS is good is short-sighted.  A mother who has a RCS is far more likely to have medical complications from her delivery and even die.  Where does that leave her children--this baby, and any previous children?  A mother who has RCS is more likely to have complications in a future pregnancy, so you can even count future children into the equation.  Children do best with a healthy, happy mother.  So what is best for her child(ren) is more complex than some people understand.

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  • I am hearing the same crap on my end too. Trust that you are not alone. My MIL tells me she cries when I tell her I want to VBAC. It IS safer and the more surgeries you have, the more YOU and the BABY are at risk. So I just tell my MIL that it's not her uterus and whatever comes out of my ute or vag doesn't belong to her.

    DH thinks baby and I are going to die if I have a VBAC. He keeps insisting on telling me shiz like this. "I don't want to lose both of you, just have the surgery." Well, try that crap on someone else. He doesn't go with me to my appts, he doesn't come to consults and THEN wants to give me a hard time about a decision I feel utterly alone in making. Too freaking bad.

    Now? I just don't give a damn anymore. It's my body, my baby and there is no way I feel that I am risking my baby's life to try and birth this child vaginally. You'd think I was trying to shoot up heroin with the way people are talking about it. Geez. If any other woman had a vaginal birth they'd be like awww that's so sweet, a new baby. But now? I'm catching hell from every angle.

  • It is safer for you to VBAC both for yourself and your baby. And I have said it before. If that is a selfish thing then GO FOR IT! There is nothing wrong with being "selfish". You want what is best for your baby and for yourself and that is to VBAC (barring any medical necessity of course). 

    This is a great place for support. Come here any time you need a pick me up. I am way too postive for people like that. You have enough to worry about and getting people's jacka$$ed opinions that don't support you isn't going to help. Just take as they are extremely ill-informed.

    I tell people, "this is the best for me and MY baby. When you get a doctorate in Obstetrics and Gynocology then we will talk." I then wink.

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  • I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't getting the support you need. I don't think anyone here would ever consider wanting a VBAC, or any birth for that matter , to be selfish. I can understand your grief though, I actually had on of my husband's aunts tell my how she had a friend who lost a "perfectly healthy baby" because she tried to VBAC. I'm in no way insinuating that she was lying, but without full details, it's hard to use that to sway me, she could have had any number of other complications that impacted her delivery/loss. I am very fortunate that I have the support I need from my H and many of my friends and family. I hope that you have the chance to educate others around you about your decision and why it means so much to you, in the meantime, many women here are very knowledgeable and we are all here for the same reasons.
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  • image iris427:

    Anyway, f* them.  There is nothing selfish about VBAC. 

    YesYesYesYes

    Maybe you could print out the most recent statement from ACOG, reiterating that VBAC is a safe choice? Let me see if I can find it and link it for you...

    http://www.acog.org/from_home/publications/press_releases/nr07-21-10-1.cfm

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  • I didn't give people a chance to feed me such BS. I didn't have to worry about my in-laws, thankfully. My MIL had planned a VBAC with twins, didn't end up getting it (both were breech), and she understands. My parents had NO experience with c/s at all until I had one. With my mother, I said, "I'm thinking about a VBAC because it would be so much healthier for both of us." "Really?!" Hey, got us talking! She never really understood it, and I think deep down she wished I'd just schedule the RCS, but she knew better than to say so out loud because she had no rationale to come back with after I'd explained myself. Once she witnessed how much better my recovery was, though, she was at least as blown away as I was!

  • I got some of that until I made it abundantly clear to family that I was the one who did my research and anyone who thinks multiple CSs are safe obviously read NOTHING.  I just didn't mention it to people who didn't outright ask, which saved some of the issues. When family knew I was serious, they laid off.

    I had a VBAC and an extremely healthy child.  You can (and usually do) have both.  There are many aspects of VBACs that are safer for baby than a CS.

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  • I am also new here, and I have been experiencing the same type of comments from close friends or family members about my choice to attempt a VBAC. I had an emergency CS due to HELLP syndrome at 36 wks, so I was never in labor. This is my reasoning for wishing to attempt a VBAC this time around, provided HELLP doesn't return.

    I don't discuss my birthing plan with others much only for this reason. My friend who had a CS due to baby being breech is puzzled why I wouldn't want to schedule a RCS... I explained how awful my CS recovery was, and how I wish to try to VBAC since I never had the opportunity. My OB is on board with me, and says I am a good candidate for a successful VBAC since I was never in labor with DD. 

    I am looking forward to getting more insight/info. from this board! TIA!

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  • image supermom83:

    I'm new to this board. My story is short. I had a c-section with my son, who's my first, in December 2008 because he was "too big" and my doctors would not let me go more than 5 days past my due date and would not induce labor because they felt he was too big. I never felt a contraction and never went into labor. They would not even strip my membranes. They kept taking ultrasounds and telling me he was huge and 10+lbs and I couldn't deliver him vaginally. He was 8lbs 6 oz when born. I was never given the chance. 

    But I was talking with my MIL about a week ago and mentioned I wanted to VBAC. She got all preachy and basically equated me wanting to VBAC to me putting my child in danger. She said the baby's health is all that matters, that I shouldn't push having a VBAC, that maybe it's all for the best to just get a repeat c-section ect. I didn't want to get into a big argument so I just nodded and said nothing. I felt really hurt and unsupported though.

    Then one of my pregnant friends said something basically along the same lines. And made fun of me for going to an ICAN meeting. My sister, who is also pregnant (and had a c-section with her first) was saying stuff along the same lines and said she doesn't really care if she VBACs or not and that all she wants is a healthy baby.

    Now why do I get the feeling that they're all insinuating that I would rather VBAC than have a healthy baby??? Why is it either having a healthy baby or VABC? Can't it be both? uhhh. And they're saying this to me, who lost twins at 15 weeks pregnant earlier this year....like I don't know how important having a healthy baby is, like I would risk my babys health in any way. I am just upset that that's how people around me are viewing the whole VBAC thing. Like it's a SELFISH need of mine and I'm not thinking of the babys health. Since when is delivering a baby through your vagina selfish???

    Is it just me or are other people getting this kind of reaction from friends and family? 

     

    I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with what your wanting. I have never had a C-section. It's simple a possibility with my pregnancy because Large babies run in my family and my husbands. I was only browsing. I tell you this so you know that I'm on the outside looking in and supporting you. If you want a chance and its not going to cause stress (more than a normal labor anyway ;)) Do it. It's your choice. You should stock up on your facts and next time they say something like that point out all the risks of a c section. Your body is made to have a baby vaginally. It's not made to be cut open and have a baby taken out. I am very lucky. I have an award winning doctor. He is literally the best on my side of the state. He has my total confidence. I told him first thing if a c-section was necessary I would understand, what ever is best. But he also knows my limits. I don't want suction or forceps used to retrieve my child no mater the pain I'm in. My aunt is a chiropractor and I've learned the risks with that. Make sure your doctor understands your feelings. If he isn't behind you, get a second opinion. If they both say no to a VBAC find out why and don't accept "your body can't do it he's too big" as an answer. Say you want medical facts not speculation. I lost a child in July. I lost her days after finding out I was pregnant. My doctors (not my OBGYN) told me it was unhealthy for me to decide it was a girl or to name her but that was my way of moving on and coping with my loss. (her name is Emily. and I still love her very much.)  Doctors know a lot but they are human. Take their advice but follow your gut. Your subconscious knows a lot more than you think. Take full control of your medical needs. You don't have to accept anything from them. They can not force you. Make sure you have a birth plan outline and very specific guid lines as to when they are allowed to do a c-section. 

     

    P.s. I have never heard of a doctor demanding a c-section like that. My doctor is very wary of them and he's really not a natural birth freak if you see what I'm saying. I would really check into that and get some other opinions. 

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